What drugs are capable of suppressing instinct of self-preservation/fear of death?

[Lolpingu]

Before I begin, I'd like to make one point perfectly clear: I am NOT suicidal, and I would very much like to live out my life. I have many goals and desires yet unfulfilled, and I plan to pursue them.

Okay? okay.

On to the reasoning of the title.

For a long time now, I've been afflicted with a consuming fear of my own death. As futile and pointless as this fear is, it's been getting gradually worse and no amount of placatory logic and stoicism that I tried to feed myself, that other people tried to feed me, could put a dent in it, and I'm a generally logical and stoical person. I just... can't deal with it. I can't accept it. You know how people in H.P. Lovecraft's books go insane just by becoming aware of an old one? as in, they become aware of a truth that they do not possess the psychological means to deal with, so it basically leads to a mental BSOD. Well, that's what death is to me. It's a truth that I cannot deal with, cannot accept. I can't process it. It's a constant error in my mind. Because of this, I'm in a permanent state of anxiety and it's drastically impacting my quality of life.

What would give me comfort, bizarrely enough, is if I knew that I had control over my death. That I could end it all whenever I want to. Technically, nothing is physically stopping me from committing suicide whenever I please, but as I explained before, I'm really, REALLY afraid of death, to the point that it impedes my everyday life. What would help me in this case is a drug that creates a state of near-total apathy, such that would make me disregard my fear of death. Ideally, at that point, I would simply carry out whatever plans I had prior to taking the drug in a sort of robotic fashion, those plans being suicide.

Now, keep in mind that I need this knowledge mostly for much-needed reassurance. I'm not sure that, when I reach a point where I'm quite confident that my life won't last much longer (old age, terminal disease), I would do it even with this drug in my possession. Maybe I wouldn't mind dying so much at that point, but that's the future, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now, I'm trying to handle a very serious problem at present, a problem that's getting in my way and terrorizing me to no end. All I need to make this problem go away is this bit of inert knowledge. No need for any addictive anxiety meds with potential side effects, just a piece of information. A name.

I sincerely thank anyone who can give me this name.

 

[VastEmpty]

Lol -

I don't know if I can answer your question, but I'll throw two things out there.

1) you should really consider therapy to help you deal with this fear/anxiety.
2) I am deathly afraid of flying. I got a job a few years back that requires infrequent plane rides. Before my first plane ride I had to go to my doctor. I told him that I needed "a pill that would make me not care if I live or die" - I got Ativan 1 mg (take one on the way to the airport and then another one when you get to the airport an hour later, provided that you still care if you live or die).

I can't say that the Ativan made me not care to the degree that I was hoping for, but it certainly made me sleepy. Sleeping when you are convinced you are dying isn't usual, but I did sleep through some of the flights. Also, I wasn't threatened once by the flight crew when on Ativan, so that's saying something.

Anyway, good luck! I'm sorry you are having a hard time lately. You should really consider getting to see a therapist.

- VE

 

[Lolpingu]

Lol -

I don't know if I can answer your question, but I'll throw two things out there.

1) you should really consider therapy to help you deal with this fear/anxiety.
2) I am deathly afraid of flying. I got a job a few years back that requires infrequent plane rides. Before my first plane ride I had to go to my doctor. I told him that I needed "a pill that would make me not care if I live or die" - I got Ativan 1 mg (take one on the way to the airport and then another one when you get to the airport an hour later, provided that you still care if you live or die).

I can't say that the Ativan made me not care to the degree that I was hoping for, but it certainly made me sleepy. Sleeping when you are convinced you are dying isn't usual, but I did sleep through some of the flights. Also, I wasn't threatened once by the flight crew when on Ativan, so that's saying something.

Anyway, good luck! I'm sorry you are having a hard time lately. You should really consider getting to see a therapist.

- VE

Thanks for taking the time to reply, VE.

Unfortunately, I've been going to therapy for the better part of 12 years (ever since 2nd grade, basically) and it never proved itself to be anything more than a waste of time, money and willpower for me. Didn't help my obsessive fear of death nor did it help any of my other mental issues. As far as I'm concerned, I'm beyond therapy's reach.

About Ativan, how does it compare to Xanax and Valium? my experience with those two benzos does confirm that this class of drugs causes a noticeable feeling (or more like non-feeling) of apathy, but not strong enough for my goals. Is Ativan stronger for a given dosage?

 

[herbavore]

It sounds to me like you have a very strong mind and you need to turn it around rather than disengage it with a pill. If you are constantly afraid of dying and you are looking for a pill to take that anxiety away you are looking for something to be on all the time (as opposed to the person that only had to take it before flying). Benzo dependence is horrible. It sounds like you would be better served by some sort of mind re-training rather than just talk therapy.

I'm curious if you have any particular beliefs about death?

 

[Moreaux]

I agree, I therapy would be the most beneficial as if you rely on medication you are not actually dealing with the issue, just masking the symptoms. What exercises have you tried to overcome this fear? I have OCD and suspect some of the CBT exercises I have to do to deal with the OCD would probably help you overcome your fear of death.

Drugs are not a sustainable solution, especially not benzos. They will work for a period of time but you will build a tolerance and need more benzos, and eventually they increase your anxiety levels as well. Long term use cause cognitive impairment which takes years to recover from after you stop the benzos. I would think perhaps certain disassociatives may help, but you simply cannot live a productive life and be on those 24 hours a day. I think your only solution is to change your thought process and mindset.

 

[Lolpingu]

It sounds to me like you have a very strong mind and you need to turn it around rather than disengage it with a pill. If you are constantly afraid of dying and you are looking for a pill to take that anxiety away you are looking for something to be on all the time (as opposed to the person that only had to take it before flying). Benzo dependence is horribl.e

No. That wasn't what I was looking for. Perhaps I didn't explain myself well enough. What I'm looking for is a hypothetical drug that would make me so apathetic that I would no longer care about or fear death. Why? because I want to know that I can end my life at my own leisure rather than leaving it to chance. What does this hypothetical drug have to do with that? my fear of death makes deliberate suicide impossible for me. Part of what makes me fear death so much is the feeling of helplessness and lack of control over the end of my existence. If I knew that I would decide when that day comes, rather than leaving it up to less predictable causes like heart disease or strokes, it would be much easier for me to live my life. It's not so much a plan of action as it is a concept to cling to. A psychological tool. Perhaps even make believe. Even if I do end up putting this knowledge to use eventually, it would be decades from now when I'm reasonably sure that my life won't last much longer and I'm satisfied enough with what I accomplished that I could forfeit the few years I would have left at that point. This drug is not something I intend to take regularly, or at all, until that day.

It sounds like you would be better served by some sort of mind re-training rather than just talk therapy.

If you're referring to CBT or derivatives of CBT, I tried that aswell and I found it to be worse than useless for me. It just made me extremely angry for reasons I won't go into right now.

I'm curious if you have any particular beliefs about death?

Eternal oblivion, pretty much. It makes the most sense to me.

 

[Moreaux]

After reading your latest response I think your answer may lie in disassociatives - but Answer me this. Why do you think your fear of death will prevent you from committing suicide? You said yourself that you're not ready to die yet, so the fear makes sense. Have you considered when you are ready to die the fear will no longer be present?

Regarding the lack of control, you're never going to have total control. You could die in a car crash tomorrow, you may end up making it to 100. You simply can't predict the future, and some how you have got to come to terms over the lack of control. Having a suicide contingency plan may help some aspects of your predicament, but you still have to reconcile the unknown and the lack of control...most drugs aren't going to help with this.

 

[MrRoot]

Maybe your fear of death will stop when the time comes for natural death? As you said that it will take decades so why bother it now? There might be more drugs available in that time and euthansia might be even legal in where you live then.

Just relax. If death is eternal oblivion why not take advantage of time you have and live it the best way you can? Are there something else preventing it than the fear of death

As our ski jumping world champion said "Life is a man's best time.".

I've literally and metaphorically dodged a bullet multiple times and I haven't had fear for death after realizing at the age of fourteen that there isn't anything else than life in the universum.

 

[Inso]

It's a common anxiety symptom. I personally started Cymbalta (for headaches) but also found it to have the side effect of killing off my anxiety almost completely, in fact maybe even too much so. I am much more able to live in the moment now. Something like this could be worth a try maybe?

 

[Lolpingu]

After reading your latest response I think your answer may lie in disassociatives - but Answer me this. Why do you think your fear of death will prevent you from committing suicide? You said yourself that you're not ready to die yet, so the fear makes sense. Have you considered when you are ready to die the fear will no longer be present?

Regarding the lack of control, you're never going to have total control. You could die in a car crash tomorrow, you may end up making it to 100. You simply can't predict the future, and some how you have got to come to terms over the lack of control. Having a suicide contingency plan may help some aspects of your predicament, but you still have to reconcile the unknown and the lack of control...most drugs aren't going to help with this.

After reading a bit on dissociatives, it does seem to be the class of drugs I would want to look into if and when it becomes relevant. As bizarre as it may sound, this little bit of information has really helped. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Thank you so much! this is just what I needed.

As for whether or not I'll stop fearing death in the future, that may be, but this was a different, more immediate problem that needed to be taken care of now.

Regarding control, I'm aware exactly of how little control I have. As a matter of fact, I personally don't believe that I actually have any control because I don't believe a person is anything other than the sum of their genetics and environment, but that's just me. Fortunately, emotions are illogical, so knowing that I can 'choose' to commit suicide in an apathetic bliss somehow gives me a feeling of control that isn't immediately erased by my ultimate lack of control. Then again, emotions are what made me this way to begin with... hmm...

Regardless, once again, thank you for this. I hope I'll never have to use this piece of information, but even if I do, what's the harm of living a long, satisfactory life and then going out in a haze of apathy and detachment?

Maybe your fear of death will stop when the time comes for natural death? As you said that it will take decades so why bother it now? There might be more drugs available in that time and euthansia might be even legal in where you live then.

Just relax. If death is eternal oblivion why not take advantage of time you have and live it the best way you can? Are there something else preventing it than the fear of death

As our ski jumping world champion said "Life is a man's best time.".

I've literally and metaphorically dodged a bullet multiple times and I haven't had fear for death after realizing at the age of fourteen that there isn't anything else than life in the universum.

Preaching to the choir, man. I get what you're saying on a logical level, but not on an emotional level, know what I'm saying? I can accept it from a logical stand point, but no matter how hard I try, I can't accept it emotionally... or at least, not directly. I needed a weird roundabout thought process that could achieve something similar without requiring me to directly accept death as it is commonly experienced. Fortunately, I can now do that, and it feels fantastic. Of course, a lot of things can end my life prematurely, but I'll take what I can get.

It's a common anxiety symptom. I personally started Cymbalta (for headaches) but also found it to have the side effect of killing off my anxiety almost completely, in fact maybe even too much so. I am much more able to live in the moment now. Something like this could be worth a try maybe?

My experience with 3 SNRIs (generic, Effexor and Viepax) has been very negative. The number of side effects that I experienced during adjustment AND withdrawal (insomnia, irritability, jitteriness, mood swings, worsened anxiety, abdominal discomfort, and most bizarrely, prostatitis-like pain) was worse than the crash I experienced after snorting 90mg of MPH this one time, which is saying a lot. I'm staying on the safe side and avoiding it. I'm glad it's helping you, though. It's always nice when you can find comfort with less addictive and harmful substances when possible.

 

[neversickanymore]

If and when "that day comes" you will no longer fear it.

What are the thing/s that scare you about death?

 

[14YearsOfFlux]

You come off as extremely intelligent; almost to the point of hindrance (I can relate).I may have missed this if it was mentioned, but have you considered simply using high doses of good quality medical marijuana? You can fine tune your choice of strain to the point of targeting specific "symptoms" and I think for a mind like yours, it could be hugely beneficial.

 

[Lolpingu]

If and when "that day comes" you will no longer fear it.

What are the thing/s that scare you about death?

The idea of ceasing to exist one day is revolting to me. I guess my beliefs kind of compound this, as the idea of an eternal void of consciousness is horrifying. It IS odd that I am horrified by this idea, as it's basically like dreamless slumber, which isn't that bad considering I experience it most of the time. Or rather, don't experience it. I can even argue that it has plenty of perks over existing, such as being incapable of feeling any kind of negative feelings. Of course, this works both ways. I guess I can chalk it up to instinct of self-preservation, which is probably compounded by anxiety and depression. This cocktail of fear for my own existence kind of puts me in a permanent state of being mentally hunkered down.

You come off as extremely intelligent; almost to the point of hindrance (I can relate).I may have missed this if it was mentioned, but have you considered simply using high doses of good quality medical marijuana? You can fine tune your choice of strain to the point of targeting specific "symptoms" and I think for a mind like yours, it could be hugely beneficial.

Sadly, this is not in the cards for me. Weed is very expensive and low-quality where I live, as are all the other 'street drugs'. My only real options are prescriptions, which I try to use sparingly to avoid unnecessary addiction. Ambien is pretty nice, though it IS addicting and the research suggesting that it may be cancerous really worries me

 

[Moreaux]

The idea of ceasing to exist one day is revolting to me. I guess my beliefs kind of compound this, as the idea of an eternal void of consciousness is horrifying. It IS odd that I am horrified by this idea, as it's basically like dreamless slumber, which isn't that bad considering I experience it most of the time. Or rather, don't experience it. I can even argue that it has plenty of perks over existing, such as being incapable of feeling any kind of negative feelings. Of course, this works both ways. I guess I can chalk it up to instinct of self-preservation, which is probably compounded by anxiety and depression. This cocktail of fear for my own existence kind of puts me in a permanent state of being mentally hunkered down.

Outside of losing my loved ones, this is my biggest fear. If I let myself ruminate on it, it is almost incapacitating. I have a siezure disorder and when I was going through withdrawal and PAWS I had several grand mal siezures, and what I experience during those types of siezures is like standing on the edge of death - everything is black, I am no longer connected to my body, just free floating in nothing with no sense of time or perception...completely and utterly alone. Because of those experiences I can no longer spend much time contemplating the subject or I will begin obsessing about it and losing sleep and not functioning well. I get in such a state about it that I'm actually afraid to fall asleep in case it happens. I can certainly relate to your fear. Most likely I will choose to be euthanized when the time is right and all my loved ones are gone, before I am too old to care for myself.

 

[neversickanymore]

The idea of ceasing to exist one day is revolting to me. I guess my beliefs kind of compound this, as the idea of an eternal void of consciousness is horrifying. It IS odd that I am horrified by this idea, as it's basically like dreamless slumber, which isn't that bad considering I experience it most of the time. Or rather, don't experience it. I can even argue that it has plenty of perks over existing, such as being incapable of feeling any kind of negative feelings. Of course, this works both ways. I guess I can chalk it up to instinct of self-preservation, which is probably compounded by anxiety and depression. This cocktail of fear for my own existence kind of puts me in a permanent state of being mentally hunkered down.

What if death is not the end and birth is not the begining. What if there was no beginning and will never have an end. What if we pass eternally from one unique exspierience to another.

If it all ends and we are gone or pass into a "void of conscienceness" then we will not be around to give two shits about our weak conclusion. Are thoughts and fears of ceasing to exist causing you to fall short of existing while you have the chance.

You feel prescriptions are your only option. Drugs don't change the world.. they only attempt to change our perception of it. They all come with side effects and more often then not they are negative.

If your looking for manipulation of the very same chemicals with no cut and no paying big pharma or a smaller dealer.. I would pop, snort or mainline some exercise. Best medication/drug on the plannet.. true.

Our exspierience of life is detemened by our perception of what life throws our way. Our perception is determined by our thoughts. We have the ability to control our thoughts. So we control our exspierience of life.

We can learn and choose to control our thoughts instead of being controlled by them.

Just like with death we have little or no control over what life throws our way.. but we have total control over how we choose to think about or perceive what comes our way.

Most of us have no idea what happens when we die and none of us have controll over what happens.

Worrying about things we have no control over is a form of insanity that so many of us suffer from.. and I mean suffer.. and I mean suffer from with no positive ends.

If you have no control over anything then why make yourself misserable worrying about it?

What makes life great.. being safe and "living" forever? What's one of the hardest deaths on the plannet... death by old age?

If I were you I would proceed immediately to the nearest perfectly good airplane.. then I would jump out off it.. go skydiving right now.

You don't need to fear death, but rather the unlived life.
~Natalie Babbitt

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

People mention dissociatives as a possible option, but I don't agree. It's entirely possible to become extremely anxious in a hole, dissociatives are very psychedelic, and the rules which apply are very similar to the classic hallucinogens. In that they're a magnifying glass on the soul, magnifying whatever you're feeling at the time. I think it'd be all to easy to spin out into a nasty death trip if that was your focus.

There's a vote for cannabis, but again I don't agree. Cannabis for me just exacerbates my anxieties, it was for that reason I stopped taking it altogether after years of smoking.

You say benzos work, but not well enough. This I do agree with. Although I think a higher dose might get you where you want to be. I don't recommend this though, because benzos are ultimately the work of Satan.

I wonder if hypothetically, something like lithium might be what you're after. I've no experience of it, but from what I've read it induces a state of complete and total apathy.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

I should mention I don't recommend taking lithium either, by all accounts it's very horrible. Just seems like it might offer the mindset you're looking for.

 

[neversickanymore]

For many people CBD is effective in treating anxiety and depression. If it's available to you you may consider giving it a go.

 

[Taye]

I have this problem too, I get mad nervous about death. I think that everything is just a waste right now. That we're going to die but we don't even know what's going to happen when we do. I like to have faith that we all go to heaven but we don't know for sure. I usually try to ignore it and breathe when it happens but sometimes it is hard. Good luck man, you'll be fine we just gotta live life and try to enjoy it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I would suggest looking into ketamine therapy. You can find doctors relatively easily in the US who will administer it, and it works much better than any benzodiazepine for what you sound like you're going through OP.

I would also suggest something like iboga or ayahuasca, but it honestly does not sound like you are ready for that OP. I also highly recommend you find yourself a good therapist who is trained in motivational interviewing in particular, or specializes in trauma therapy. It will take time, but it will help you more than you know.

But in terms of your present anxiety and existential crisis, if you can find it ketamine therapy is the way to go.

Magic mushrooms and MDMA have also been shown helpful for these problems, but you would need to use such drugs with a trained, sober companion to guide you through the experience for it to be truly therapeutic. Shoot me a pm if you want any more advice.