Advice What do I do about this girl?

[lost and found]

Firstly, to say a few things about myself. I am a 20 year old man. I would consider myself a low level software engineer and reverse engineer which I have been learning about for about 7 or 8 years. My father, and a lot of my other family, were/are terrible alcoholics. I dealt with pretty bad obesity in my teen years, which I have now overcame. I also have had some pretty bad anxiety throughout my life. Social anxiety, my health, money, those are the things that come to mind right now. I would say these days in general I feel less anxious, especially socially, but in other ways too that made me a prisoner of myself. Today I might be scared to start a conversation with a new person, but I am pretty good at talking to anyone about anything once that passes. I've done shrooms once a year ago and maybe I plan to try a low dose again soon, I also started smoking cannabis about a year and a half ago. I told myself I would only use very infrequently, which turned into a little psychological addiction. Maybe I am still working on that, but I currently vape THC, CBD, and CBG in smaller quantities since my tolerance reset after covid. I also very occasionally drink kava. I've done a lot of research on all types of drugs, cannabis being the most, and I don't ever want to use and have pretty much sworn off any drug that will cause physical dependence. I write here because I believe the people on this forum have a unique perspective on life and other things.

I haven't been able to write my thoughts about what happened in a clear manner that others can read and discuss, so far more speaking what I am feeling in the moment. I have heavily analyzed my situation and what happened, which maybe says something in itself. Maybe my situation is silly or foolish, after all I am young and probably naive, because it feels a little foolish to type out. I met a woman about one year ago, firstly just met in a casual social setting with no intention of my own while visiting a friend. In early January of this year, while visiting again, I was able to have a fantastic conversation with her, we just chatted with each other for three hours on my friends bed. Near the end, she asked me about something bad (very bad, or worst, worded something like this, but I cant quite remember now) that happened to me, with such a broad question I didn't know what to say really, lots of "bad" things of varying degrees and levels of appropriateness to share have happened to me. She then told me something quite unexpected, that an older cousin tried to make her suck his p***s when she was 9. My response was a little taken aback, I didn't dismiss it but we moved on in the conversation. I seriously hate to write that, and I wish I didn't have to include it or feel the need to share something so private, it doesn't pertain to the rest of what happened directly nor has it been discussed since, but it really stuck out to me and maybe some people here have some insight as to why she would tell me that.

After this night, I went back home (which is not so close) I didn't talk to her for a few months, until I decided one night to text her. From there we continued to talk more and more, we clearly liked each other, calling and texting and having great conversations. We talked about everything and anything. During this I was planning to move out of my moms house, likely with my friend who I was visiting those other times, where she was living. Now I should mention a few important things about her. She has a boyfriend, which, I knew about. And that she, along with her boyfriend, are from a post soviet country. She was going back home for the summer, and she told my friend that she was going to break up with her boyfriend if he did not move to the US. Shortly after, before she went back, while we were texting, maybe she was already speaking to her boyfriend then (she tells me later on that she wasn't before/around this time), and after she said something just a little too much, she says "this isnt right". From there on she went back, and I could feel the distance and disconnect she placed between us, the conversations became more generic and boring. During this time I still texted her at least on a weekly basis, before then daily.

So then I move in with my friend and other roommate shortly before she returned to the US. Our speaking becomes more frequent again, and I still liked her and I wasn't sure if she had broken up with him or not. So I told her that I liked her, to which she denied and said she had a boyfriend. She wanted to talk about it, she came over and we did. This was about 2 months ago now, so I wont be too detailed here, as I don't want to write anything that is not how it really happened. I asked her about her boyfriend, to which she told me she went back and found him again. That this is her first serious relationship, and that shes 95% sure it will work out with him. And immediately after, we have a nice conversation about anything else which was probably flirtatious, I seen her looking away and smiling during. After that we were friends, she would come over frequently and hang out with me, my roommates, and friends, go the store with us, eat, play video games, and even watched a movie with us. I wont go into too much detail, but I was pretty certain that she still liked me, in the way she behaved and presented herself to me, the things we talked about and spoke, that maybe she was thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend. Also, one day after we picked her up she told all of us that she had figured some things out for herself, which I assume is whatever we had going on, but I didn't comment on it. During this whole time she was also still slightly distant, she would not be herself 100% like I had seen before. At some point I contracted covid and felt pretty terrible physically, and one night I thought it was now or never, once again. I texted her in detail about how I felt, maybe texting was a mistake, I was met with the same rejection. A week later I was able to have a quick conversation with her in my car about what happened. She said she didnt like me now, she also told me that when we were speaking initially over text and talk, she liked me and was interested, and that she was not talking to her boyfriend at all at the time. Why would she tell me this? To make it seem more legitimate that she did not want me now? I was feeling quite disheartened at the whole thing at this point, my friends all told me that she was leading me on. She says we should stop talking as much, and I tell her I agree, that I would not like to see or speak to her again. I felt that I had been wronged and hurt. Well it has been four weeks and I really want to talk to her, to say something, anything, maybe that what I said in the car wasn't what I wanted to say, or maybe some of the very things I write here that I didn't mention to her. I never touched her physically in a sexual or suggestive manner, because I felt it would be too inappropriate. Maybe you can say physically cheating, but I would call her previous behavior emotional cheating at the very least, which is not really okay either.

To end things, she is 19, while her boyfriend is 26. During our first conversation after rejection, she said she had been dating him for about 1.5-2 years, and that she had known him much longer. To me, this doesn't seem right really. With a 7 year age difference at these ages, it looks to be that he groomed her for some time and waited until she turned 18 to do something. The other thing she mentioned makes this stranger. I don't want to speculate and assume too many things because it will only make me think about all this more, its also something that is difficult to bring up with her because I am not trying to give her reasons or convince her to leave him. My only previous relationship was with a terrible someone who was a liar, and incredibly manipulative, which I blindly ignored until things fell apart and some of the truth was revealed. What should I do here? Should I try to forget about her? I don't want to move on and find someone else, to seek someone else. I would rather be with myself until I come across someone who will enrich my life unexpectedly like she did. I can drown myself in my computer work which I enjoy most of the time, but zero chance of interacting with people in real life. Since I stopped talking to her, I had some very terrible stress and anxiety, maybe due to covid, I also wasn't using cannabis very often at the time. It was so bad, that I thought there was something wrong with me, I went to the doctor crying on the drive which I have not been to in a long time. The few visits and reassurance they gave me truly helped and I felt much better. But now, I have entered a somewhat depressive state, all I want to do is be on my computer and work on things, while feeling pretty bad and thinking of her often. I really want to message her, but maybe that's a bad idea. Sometimes my phone buzzes from a text and my mind thinks it might be her, which triggers a pretty bad feeling of anxiety. I feel like I am going to get a message from her out of the blue, and if not that, I will likely see her in some shared social setting. Maybe she will try to talk to me there, do I even want to speak to her? No, because I know the initial feeling it will cause, but yes because I really want her and I don't think I could say no. The sight of her which I can imagine will trigger the same bad feeling of anxiety, a terrible feeling in my stomach and distress. Even if she said she wanted to be with me, after what she has done, there needs to be a serious discussion because I would not like that to happen to me.

 

[G_Chem]

Hey man,

First off glad to have you here. You honestly seem like a really nice guy and don’t mean that in the bad way (entirely..).

To get to the meat and potatoes of the matter, you need to move on from this girl. All the “what if’s” don’t really matter. She’s made it fairly clear what she wants, whether you think the guy is a grooming asshole is (unfortunately) irrelevant.

There’s a lot to unpack here so I’ll try my best.

I do believe initially there may have been a spark between you two. You obviously had amazing connection and conversations, she even admits that she did early on. But people can change their opinion and based on your behavior you likely came off as needy, especially with the repeated love confessions. You also waited far too long between that initial encounter and when you finally contacted her, essentially allowing that flame fizzle out. I’ve learned firsthand women don’t like waiting on the call.

“She said she didnt like me now, she also told me that when we were speaking initially over text and talk, she liked me and was interested, and that she was not talking to her boyfriend at all at the time. Why would she tell me this? To make it seem more legitimate that she did not want me now?”

Yup your right on your last question, she realized she needed to really spell it out for you so there was no more confusion.

The great thing is this, you are young buck at 20yrs old. You will meet a woman that knows exactly what she wants and will tell you so. You don’t need to go looking per se, but you do need to get off the computer and do some IRL stuff. For me, that’s going to shows, festivals, and spiritual community related events.

-GC

 

[lost and found]

Hey man,

First off glad to have you here. You honestly seem like a really nice guy and don’t mean that in the bad way (entirely..).

To get to the meat and potatoes of the matter, you need to move on from this girl. All the “what if’s” don’t really matter. She’s made it fairly clear what she wants, whether you think the guy is a grooming asshole is (unfortunately) irrelevant.

There’s a lot to unpack here so I’ll try my best.

I do believe initially there may have been a spark between you two. You obviously had amazing connection and conversations, she even admits that she did early on. But people can change their opinion and based on your behavior you likely came off as needy, especially with the repeated love confessions. You also waited far too long between that initial encounter and when you finally contacted her, essentially allowing that flame fizzle out. I’ve learned firsthand women don’t like waiting on the call.

“She said she didnt like me now, she also told me that when we were speaking initially over text and talk, she liked me and was interested, and that she was not talking to her boyfriend at all at the time. Why would she tell me this? To make it seem more legitimate that she did not want me now?”

Yup your right on your last question, she realized she needed to really spell it out for you so there was no more confusion.

The great thing is this, you are young buck at 20yrs old. You will meet a woman that knows exactly what she wants and will tell you so. You don’t need to go looking per se, but you do need to get off the computer and do some IRL stuff. For me, that’s going to shows, festivals, and spiritual community related events.

-GC

Hey GC, thanks for responding. I am a lurker here and see your posts frequently.

"You also waited far too long between that initial encounter and when you finally contacted her"
Initially, there wasn't anything more for me there, it was just a nice conversation, I didn't have any intent on going further. She admitted that she liked me later on after we started texting all the time, a few months later. Maybe I waited too long to say how I felt about her, but I didn't think it would be okay to say earlier on as she had a boyfriend who she was not quite ready to leave. I can see how you might think I might come off as needy or clingy, but I don't believe that was the case here. I confessed to her twice because by the second time it was eating away at me by continuing to say nothing. We are both pretty independent people who and would both ask each other about their day and reach out to each other and talk, I don't think it was like I kept messaging her and she wasn't interested. She had even planned and asked for us to go ice skating, an escape room, and do some other things later in the month. I think we both felt the desire to message and talk to each other.

I agree, I probably do need to spend some more time away from my computer, I feel like I have been ignoring others to be by myself. Well, when I moved here about 3 months ago I didn't really spend any time on it, mostly being social with people, which was a change from where I used to live where I knew very few people except the lots I talked to online for business and friends. My work is on my computer and I need (or want, desire) to finish some things up right now, and usually when I work like this it takes up a large portion of my time. While I might be a bit scared to start talking to new people, I can then usually talk anyone up, man or woman, and relate about a lot of things to someone or share or show my personal interests. I haven't felt the need to pursue anyone else like with her. The shared social space which I will likely encounter her again is this game night me, my friends, and her would go to every week. Our social circles overlap, so I don't see how I can avoid interaction with her forever unless I intentionally avoid contact. I think that trying to avoid her like that might come off as childish or spiteful too, which I don't believe I have any hard feelings about, I just feel kind of bad and uncertain of everything. I am quite certain if I see her or a message from her, it will trigger my anxiety heavily, which I don't want to have happen in a public social space either.

I really believe she did still like me, I asked her in the car if she did in the last month that we were talking, which she also replied yes but not strongly. There are so many little things she would say or do that made me believe this too, I could even list them. I don't want to be delusional or believe things that are not really true for myself. I don't want to keep hanging on to something that wasn't there, or to try to convince others that my perspective is the correct one. I realize I may be trying to convince myself of something I want to be true which is not, I don't know which it is. I don't feel like whatever it was is completely over, and I will have to face here again some day sooner or later.

 

[G_Chem]

You gotta also remember there’s people who feed off the attention of multiple people, as much as you guys connect this may be a case where she doesn’t want you but doesn’t want you with someone else. She will continue to give you as little as required to keep you on the string. Went down this road myself with the first girl I really had a thing for as a 15yr old.

I understand that it may be hard to avoid her, but you definitely need to create distance in some way. Whether that be avoiding contact over social media, phone etc. You don’t need to ghost but just take longer to respond and be brief. This is for your own sanity.

From my outsider perspective, don’t waste any more emotional energy on her. If you’re a capable be friends, but be cognizant of how hard that can be and don’t fault yourself if space is needed.

You are 20 man. I’m gonna sound old but if I was 20 and single… lol you get it. You don’t need to be confined to your friend group, I’ve changed friend groups entirely based on my drug use over the years it’s hard but doable. Try something new, whether it be a music venue, coffee shop, surprisingly grocery shopping, everyone is so disconnected these days we all need to get off and go out.

-GC

 

[TripSitterNZ]

As a young man it can be hard, its all a learning experince. Some Women will do this alot, avoid those types. They are just wanting attention to boost their own egos. It will be be hard for a few months to get your mind off her. I was like you and still am.

Work on yourself and something alot better will come around, somebody who will acutally care about and love you.

It can be hard to try totally cut things off with somebody you had feelings with. But honestly you feel so much better once you do, block them on social media and don't look back. Your young. Between the ages of 20-25 you will learn many things and look back one day and realize why you dodged a bullet of somebody who would of used you.

Once upon a time I was led on by my flat mate. She really fucked up my head at 20. As i got older and found people who cared for me I laughed at my old 20 year old self for been a dumb ass when it comes to falling in love with the wrong type of women.

G Chem wrote everything perfectly.

You seem like a good lad, who is intelligent. You will grow up and learn alot over the coming years in your 20's. The right women will come along into your life one day. Till then have fun, study work hard save money.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

To end things, she is 19, while her boyfriend is 26. During our first conversation after rejection, she said she had been dating him for about 1.5-2 years, and that she had known him much longer. To me, this doesn't seem right really. With a 7 year age difference at these ages, it looks to be that he groomed her for some time and waited until she turned 18 to do something.

If he was "grooming" her he wouldn't have waited until she turned 18...that's the whole point of grooming! It seems like you're kind of removing her own agency and ability to make decisions here...

Forget her. That's my advice. Easier said than done when feelings are involved but yeah...trust me on this one

 

[crazyhairman]

Without reading any of that.... Forget her lol