Barretine Blitzkreig
ByxXBADGERXxon 14 January 2013
Aaaah , fond memories , fond memories indeed . Back in the `90`s I was the doyenne of the party scene ..... fast Cars , loose Women and a "Jet Set" lifestyle that would be the envy of any modern man . Concordes were still flying , property market was flourishing and Supercars had names rather than numbers , good times . It was at one of my legendary soirees that I was introduced to to this rather enchanting and cheeky little number . One of the tradesmen had been in , making sure that the Jacuzzi was serviced , I was walking with the gentleman in question and writing him a cheque for his services (remember those ?) . As I thanked him for his work , I espied this alluring Amethyst glow in the back of his van . As he thanked me I could not take my eyes off this mesmerising and oily fluid ..... I enquired as to what it was and exclaimed "It`s meffs , mate , why ?" . I enquired further and he presented me the bottle saying "`ere , `ave it , got tons of the stuff" . And with a cheery crunch on the gravel from his tires , he was gone .
I scuttled back into my Country abode , fetched myself a Glass and peeled away the anti-tamper and flipped the lid . The wonderful Nutty aroma filled my Nostrils and the hypnotising delay of the fluid as it was swirled around was almost too much to take . I nosed the Glass and instantly my Heart pounded , I took a tentative sip and my world exploded . Everything turned Paisley , I could taste the Clouds and then I passed out . I awoke in a puddle of my own Urine ....... every time , but I could not resist . I managed to get myself cleaned up for the Evening`s imminent arrival of Guests and the party ensued . Many hours passed and my mind was not on the Party or the inane banter of these drivelling idiots . I had to get rid of them . By midnight I was back in the arms of my newest conquest , carressing her shapely form and inhaling her deeply ..... you Purple Temptress , oh how I adored you , worshipped you .... wanted more .
Many months went past and my life started to take a turn for the worst . It started one afternoon , after a rather heavy session . I had developed a rather embarrassing rash around my mouth and was imbibing more Barretine to take the edge off life . I had arisen at some Studently hour of the day and tried to pass Urine . I beared down as hard as I could but there was no stream of Golden relief ...... I managed a small spurt and then there was a "Pop" and relief came . These damnable Kidneys were giving me Hell . I lost my Job in the City not long after , but I had enough in the coffers to keep me going . And a nice supply in the Cellar . The days turned into nights , into days , into nights into weeks into months and this delicious temptress dragged me down further . The worst and lowest point came when the Cellar was found to be the source of the Fire , the Insurance could not believe how a Wine Cellar could have caused such a roaring flame , I was lucky to get out with Smoke Inhalation ...... but still , I had a juicy cheque that could fuel my unquenchable thirst for more Barretine .
The money didn`t last long , The Barretine was my only comfort in life as it warmed my cold hands clad in fingerless gloves , Two bottles at all times in my inner pockets of this greasy coat . A paper bag keeps the other Rat-Like prying eyes away from the delicious and haunting flavour . I can barely ask for money now as I have become incomprehensible with my gruff voice and cheeky charm , mostly hidden by my beard , flecked with Saliva from my rantings at those that ignore my plea of "Fiffy Pea furra cuppaTea guvner ?" . I recognise some of these people as they run away from me as my wrath is incurred by the scurrying rodents of the stock exchange , I pity them and their lives , shackled to a nightmare . I bid them a cheery "Fuggya , yabazzard" and return to the only thing I know .......... The Purple charm of Barretine swilled over the gums , totally lipsmacking on these cracked lips , gets a Blackened thumbs up from me .
