Want to relapse

[anonymouse77]

I want to feel better. I quit alcohol late last year after I was drinking non-stop after my father died out of despair and became very paranoid that someone was after me. I will admit here (I am not proud of it) it got to the stage I was going to kill myself and I attempted to cut my neck and the police knocked the door down and they injected me with ketamine and threatened to taze me to get the knife out of my hand. I wanted them to shoot me. I told my brother this afterward (he is 17 years older than me) and he told me to get them to shoot you you have to charge them with the knife. Imagine your own brother telling you that! Anyway so I spend a week in the hospital and haven't drank since as that scared me and I didn't want to go through anything like that again.

I have no support from family. My birthday was the last day of last month and for the first time in 46 years my own mother ignored it. I may as well drink. Thank you for reading.

 

[brokedownpalace10]

I want to feel better. I quit alcohol late last year after I was drinking non-stop after my father died out of despair and became very paranoid that someone was after me. I will admit here (I am not proud of it) it got to the stage I was going to kill myself and I attempted to cut my neck and the police knocked the door down and they injected me with ketamine and threatened to taze me to get the knife out of my hand. I wanted them to shoot me. I told my brother this afterward (he is 17 years older than me) and he told me to get them to shoot you you have to charge them with the knife. Imagine your own brother telling you that! Anyway so I spend a week in the hospital and haven't drank since as that scared me and I didn't want to go through anything like that again.

I have no support from family. My birthday was the last day of last month and for the first time in 46 years my own mother ignored it. I may as well drink. Thank you for reading.

Your mom's going though a lot as well. I'm not saying that your mom isn't mad at you or whatever, I am saying that you don't know that. She might just be very overwhelmed.
Don't let something that seems horrible tear you apart. It might be bad, but you don't know that if you haven't checked.

And remember that the best way to deal with an alcoholic, especially a violent one, is to stay away when they are drinking. Not enable them. Does your mom know you haven't been drinking for months?

If you have fallen off the wagon, it's not the end of the world. Doesn't matter how many times you fall off as much as how many times you get back on. Sometimes relapses are necessary to show you that it's the same old same old there. If you haven't fallen off, remember that it's a pain to climb back on.

 

[anonymouse77]

Your mom's going though a lot as well. I'm not saying that your mom isn't mad at you or whatever, I am saying that you don't know that. She might just be very overwhelmed.
Don't let something that seems horrible tear you apart. It might be bad, but you don't know that if you haven't checked.

And remember that the best way to deal with an alcoholic, especially a violent one, is to stay away when they are drinking. Not enable them. Does your mom know you haven't been drinking for months?

If you have fallen off the wagon, it's not the end of the world. Doesn't matter how many times you fall off as much as how many times you get back on. Sometimes relapses are necessary to show you that it's the same old same old there. If you haven't fallen off, remember that it's a pain to climb back on.

Thank you for kind words. I appreciate it very much.

I just want to make a couple of things clear. My mother knew (last time I spoke to her) that I hadn't been drinking and I haven't since. I wasn't violent towards anyone but myself. I wanted to die. Also my mother and father had a bitter divorce years ago and my mother remarried so it won't be affecting her in that way as much. She offered no support to me when he died apart from saying that he was lucky to have lived to the age he did. One of the times I saw her I said how I was thinking of getting a piece of jewelry with my dad's handwriting engraved in it and she just dismissed the idea and said what a bad father he was. He had his issues but I still loved him. It was a dysfunctional family all around. It's like she is so poisonous towards him and she projects that hatred onto me.

 

[brokedownpalace10]

Thank you for kind words. I appreciate it very much.

I just want to make a couple of things clear. My mother knew (last time I spoke to her) that I hadn't been drinking and I haven't since. I wasn't violent towards anyone but myself. I wanted to die. Also my mother and father had a bitter divorce years ago and my mother remarried so it won't be affecting her in that way as much. She offered no support to me when he died apart from saying that he was lucky to have lived to the age he did. One of the times I saw her I said how I was thinking of getting a piece of jewelry with my dad's handwriting engraved in it and she just dismissed the idea and said what a bad father he was. He had his issues but I still loved him. It was a dysfunctional family all around. It's like she is so poisonous towards him and she projects that hatred onto me.

Sorry life sucks so bad for you right now. Have you relapsed? If not, do this.
Relapsing to escape will not make things better, it will make them worse. Take the time to get past this the best you can. Try to rebuild bridges or get over the loss if you can't. Drink only when you have improved your life.
Call it your reward for getting through this. Then, you will enjoy it so much more. May even find you don't want to, but do it if you wanna. But only then.

I wish I really had some kind words that could make this all better.

 

[anonymouse77]

Sorry life sucks so bad for you right now. Have you relapsed? If not, do this.
Relapsing to escape will not make things better, it will make them worse. Take the time to get past this the best you can. Try to rebuild bridges or get over the loss if you can't. Drink only when you have improved your life.
Call it your reward for getting through this. Then, you will enjoy it so much more. May even find you don't want to, but do it if you wanna. But only then.

I wish I really had some kind words that could make this all better.

Thank you so much for understanding. I didn't relapse. I ended up having a cup of coca leaf tea yesterday morning which gave me the boost to go out into the world and do some grocery shopping. Only to come home and be gang stalked by next door neighbour. I believe family have poisoned my neighbours against me and monitor my facebook posts and because I post about their treatment of me they do this type of thing. It honestly has been happening my whole life. I always noticed the middle brother (who is adopted and hates my guts) would bring friends around who would give me the cold shoulder when I would try to speak to them or greet them and he was a massive bully to me and I realise now years later he lives to drive wedges between people and causes trouble. He bullied me my whole life (he is five years older) and when I said anything he turned it around to make me out to be the trouble-maker.

 

[nznity]

I want to feel better. I quit alcohol late last year after I was drinking non-stop after my father died out of despair and became very paranoid that someone was after me. I will admit here (I am not proud of it) it got to the stage I was going to kill myself and I attempted to cut my neck and the police knocked the door down and they injected me with ketamine and threatened to taze me to get the knife out of my hand. I wanted them to shoot me. I told my brother this afterward (he is 17 years older than me) and he told me to get them to shoot you you have to charge them with the knife. Imagine your own brother telling you that! Anyway so I spend a week in the hospital and haven't drank since as that scared me and I didn't want to go through anything like that again.

I have no support from family. My birthday was the last day of last month and for the first time in 46 years my own mother ignored it. I may as well drink. Thank you for reading.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have a very narcissistic egotistical cunt of a father, but u know what? In the past, I'd get frustrated because he wouldn't be proud of me, give me any attention or tell me he loved me.My mother used to be the other way around, Super caring, loving and even over protective most of the time. So when she died suddenly of cancer, I expected to receive this kind of affection from my dad. It was a complete mindfuck for me realizing this and I went into the deepest hole for years on end.
Until I said enough is enough, fuck him. I'm not gonna expect anything from him anymore. I needa improve my self-esteem, LOVE MYSELF and do it for myself. Tbh, FUCK THE REST. If they are like that, we can't change that. That is something that goes beyond our control. So far it's working for me and I'm improving myself. Please, you've already come this far. Don't fuck it up just cause u got a shit family, it is what it is. Embrace that fact and stay sober for yourself and YOURSELF ONLY.
I send u a big hug and positive vibes.
Regards buddy
xx

 

[brokedownpalace10]

This ^^^^^
Fuck 'em feed 'em fish heads.
You've come this far. Stay sober for you.

 

[anonymouse77]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have a very narcissistic egotistical cunt of a father, but u know what? In the past, I'd get frustrated because he wouldn't be proud of me, give me any attention or tell me he loved me.My mother used to be the other way around, Super caring, loving and even over protective most of the time. So when she died suddenly of cancer, I expected to receive this kind of affection from my dad. It was a complete mindfuck for me realizing this and I went into the deepest hole for years on end.
Until I said enough is enough, fuck him. I'm not gonna expect anything from him anymore. I needa improve my self-esteem, LOVE MYSELF and do it for myself. Tbh, FUCK THE REST. If they are like that, we can't change that. That is something that goes beyond our control. So far it's working for me and I'm improving myself. Please, you've already come this far. Don't fuck it up just cause u got a shit family, it is what it is. Embrace that fact and stay sober for yourself and YOURSELF ONLY.
I send u a big hug and positive vibes.
Regards buddy
xx

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and your toxic father's cruel response. I am glad to hear you are improving things for yourself and doing better.

I appreciate your good advice. Thank you for the hug and hugs back and positive vibes.xx

 

[anonymouse77]

This ^^^^^
Fuck 'em feed 'em fish heads.
You've come this far. Stay sober for you.

Thank you so much. So far so good.

 

[nznity]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and your toxic father's cruel response. I am glad to hear you are improving things for yourself and doing better.

I appreciate your good advice. Thank you for the hug and hugs back and positive vibes.xx

Dw brother, we are here to help each other much love brother, your body Is a sacred temple. Take care of it, love it with all your
Vibes bro. ️