Mental Health Want to change my life. Sick of shit.

[passthatshit]

Im changing my fucking life once and for all. I remember all the things that led me onto my path towards self destruction. Ive had a fucked up life. And now I want to take it back. All life ever did for me was take. I deserve something for myself. Seeing other people in better situations than myself makes me feel extremely jealous. The only people I can relate to are the homeless and severely unfortunate.

I lived with an extremely abusive step father and a dependant mother for longer than I should have. My step father was the issue. He was the kind of dude that would wake up one morning and decide to kill the whole family and himself. I lived with that asshole for so long. I would always run away from my house because I couldnt stand being around him. I started doing hard drugs when I was 14 and because of my outlook on the world around me, I decided that Id kill myself in a few years.. right after I wrote a book or two.
Anyways, Im sick of that shit now. Ive seen what my mentality has done to me. I know that if I dont try to change myself, it will be too late for me when I finally decide to pull the trigger. Im choosing life again today. I remember saying that a year ago and being proud of myself. Today I dont feel real great but its whatever. Im gonna try again. See what i like in life. There isnt much. But whatever. At least when im alive I have options. If im dead well.. i cant do anything. Id like to have more adventures. Im thinking of doing the trainhopping thing once and for all. Or maybe not. I just wanna feel alive again. So maybe i will. Who knows.

 

[herbavore]

Good for you for saving yourself. It is not easy to undo all the damage that was done to you at an early age--but it can be undone and so much more. If you started getting high seriously at 14 (so did I) it can take a while to do some catching up on the development that usually comes at that age. Adolescence is a time when you ideally start creating a positive sense of self to carry you through adulthood and all the trials of adult life. When trauma or abuse or just a really dysfunctional situation robs you of that developmental phase you have to do later. There is no timetable really--it's your life. And after all, you may have missed out on some aspects of maturity while being catapulted into others (like surviving on your own).

The most important thing for you to do for yourself is to develop acceptance and compassion. When you have a strong relationship with yourself, meaning that you are not bogged down with feelings of failure or hopelessness and blame, you can spread that compassion out to others and that is when the real changes begin to happen.

What is your living situation like now? Do you have support of any kind or are you isolated?

I'm with you on the adventures--I am 63 and at 16 I thought my life might as well end soon. But I had the exact same thought as you--"why not change myself and my life?" --and the surprises and adventures have never stopped. I know it won't be easy but nothing worth having ever comes easy. Stay positive and try your hardest not to compare yourself or your life to any other person. Everyone is struggling in their own way to live a fulfilling, connected and meaningful life. Most of the markers of success are false, at least they are when there is nothing underneath them. So make your changes deep inside--the rest will get easier once you do. I read a lot of very sad stuff on this forum everyday--your post made me smile and gave a good start to the morning. Thanks!

 

[passthatshit]

Hello there. Your post made me smile too. Supportive and wise. Never knew what people were talking about when they said that substances & abuse stop brain development.. but now I get it. You explained it in a way that clicked. Thanks. I want to be 63 years old & see what knowledge i can come across. Realizing that drugs in excess get you into a state opposite of expected is enlightening. I can never allow myself to relapse on meth again. I can never allow myself to develop a massive heroin addiction. I stopped myself from shooting up & im quite glad. To have drugs rob me of what could have been a great life, is retarded. You get on drugs hoping to relieve some pain & only create even more. Meth was the worst and I'll never touch that shit again. Anyways, as far as my apathy is concerned, not sure I have much of that anymore either. I currently live at home with my biological father. He's a great guy, big sweet heart. Family man. He only wants to see me succeed. My mother is homeless and shooting up meth daily. Trying to get back on her feet. Its sad to see where my mother is but im not trying to judge her either. Ive been in the same position. She shouldve never had children but im glad im the person I am I think. Even though I say I hate it, im always trying to improve somewhere. Sure, I do let myself down & I do get severely depressed. But I havent smoked meth in one year & I got myself away from shooting up heroin when I had the chance. Id say thats trying. I also called multiple doctors, and applied for jobs. My step dad just got out of prison but hes away from my mother thankfully.
Im doing well.