• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: axe battler | xtcgrrrl | arrall

Unnecessary Trust Issues

ScorpioGypsy

ScorpioGypsy

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 9, 2015
Messages
4
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. I've known him for three years but we didn't start a relationship until about this time last year. We are also expecting our first child (a boy) at the end of the month which we are both super excited about, my first child and his second. Our relationship, for the most part, has been wonderful. We love each other very much but we definitely have our issues. One problem in particular I thought we would be through already is his absolute lack of trust in me.
First I should establish that I have never cheated on him and as far as I know, he has never cheated on me. I am 13 years younger than he is and had only ever been in two previous relationships; one in high school and one just before my boyfriend now and have never had sex outside of a relationship let alone cheated on either of them. So the fact that I am accused of it baffles me.
When we first started going out he would sake me if I was seeing someone else. I would tell him "no" because I wasn't but he would ask again later. It got worse overtime as he would go through my texts, messages, pictures and social apps while I was sleeping. At first I didn't care, I had nothing to hide and if it gave him some peace of mind I was okay with it. But then I started noticing changes, he started deleting my male friends and blocking them, even the ones I've known since I was in elementary school, as well as some of my close male family members and coworkers. Not that I had many, I don't use Facebook very often and maybe have 70 friends total (guys and girls).
Anyway at the beginning of the year I had plans to have a sleepover at my stepdads house with my stepsister who is 11 and loves me to death. I'd promised her one several months back and thought I should deliver. At this point my boyfriend and I were already living together so I mentioned to him my plans for the night and immediately I could sense he was upset about it. But I went anyway because I'd already told her I was coming. Well to this day he accuses me of having gone over to one of my guy friends houses and sleeping with him. And anytime my friends get together and have a girls night I am only "allowed" to stay for a few hours and I can't stay the night with them. And heaven forbid I even think about hanging out with any of my old guy friends. I asked him why he still does it when I clearly talk to no one else, and he said its because I probably delete or hide the messages.
I should note that to this day he still goes through my apps and messages while I sleep. I don't even bother to replace my phone that I broke because it causes too many issues between us, but I am a blogger so I use my tablet and computer. I should also mention that to this day I have respected his privacy and have never gone through his phone or devices or accused him of cheating. Even when I suspected it. I do know however, because he likes to show me all the funny video posts and because they comment on everything that he posts and tag him in their posts, that he is friends with every ex and girl that he has fucked or thought about fucking and that about 300 of his 500 friends are non-family member females and that he still accepts any friend request he gets from a pretty girl (which is fairly often) If I glance over or when he scrolls through his feed to show me something I get to see dozens of pretty girls posting selfies with their asses sticking out, lips puckered, boobs pushed up etc... and most of them are gorgeous. When I asked him why he is still friends which them and why he still continues to add other girls he hasn't even met he gets upset and tells me that they haven't done anything wrong to him and that he doesn't hide it from me and that he isn't going to change for me and that I need to stop bringing it up. And he doesn't hide it, in fact sometimes he will show me their pictures and posts.
But it hurts because I have never done anything to loose his trust. In fact I have given up everything for him. My friends, a large part of my independence, the first job I ever really liked, my collage classes, I'm even giving him a child. But he questions weather the baby is his or not and threatens to get a DNA test like we live on the Jerry Springer stage.
Also, because he trusts me so little I question weather or not I should trust him. Is he just guilty and hoping to find that I'm guilty as well? My dad used to say you can only trust someone as much as you trust yourself. And I know that before me he was casually sleeping with other girls and hasn't been in a serious relationship since his daughter turned 2 nine years ago. So maybe he is just used to being around the kind of girls that casually sleep around or sleep around for money and thinks that all girls are the same. But if so then even after all this time he doesn't know me at all.
So for the past 7 months of my pregnancy I sit at home everyday, I don't call anyone, go anywhere or do anything. If I do go out I have to get "permission" and call him every hour or so and respond right away if he calls or texts. But still he thinks guys come over. And two of his cousins rent a room from us so of course if I speak, look, or acknowledge their presence in anyway then It must be because I am sleeping with one or both of them.
The really fucked up part is that when we have sex his favorite (and really only) fantasy is to watch me have sex with someone else. He'll talk about how he wants to see me fuck someone else, or he'll ask me to call him by another name and pretend he is someone else. At first I just chucked it up to role play and dirty talk but after the 30th or 50th time it gets kind of boring to me and seems to be making things worse. But every night that's his fantasy and he won't come unless I play along. I tried introducing new fantasies or games but it always turns into his fantasy. He also watches excessive amounts of orgy porn (despite the fact that we have sex at least once every night) and I question weather or not I satisfy him. I decided to casually ask him one day if he wanted to invite someone else to have sex with us, he admitted that he might enjoy himself in the moment but also said that the moment I did I would be out of his life forever.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like I deserve better but I just want to do the right thing, and we have worked through so much already I feel it would be a shame to give up now. So If you have read this far (I feel like I just typed up the whole First Testament) and have any advice on how we might be able to work through this that would be great.
 
You know, in my experience, guys who act like that are cheating themselves. I used to treat my X like that as well, and you know where it went? She started cheating. She felt so suffocated that she just burst at the seams and began doing her own thing. (Maybe that was an excuse, but it made sense). It sounds like he is very, very insecure, and in my opinion, you are in a very unhealthy relationship. What I learned over time is that approach doesn't work. With my girlfriend now, I just don't care what she does. I just need to believe in my heart she won't do anything, but if she chooses to cheat, it's her prerogative , whatever, but you can't suffocate a person to their breaking point. I don't look at her phone, I don't pester her when she's out, I just let her live. You aren't an animal in a cage, you are a human being with your own life to live. Yes, you are pregnant, yes you two are involved, but you should be allowing each other to grow individually.

When you embrace love, it goes a lot further than squeezing love. I don't really know what advice I can offer you here other than sitting down and talking to him about how you feel, and if that doesn't go anywhere, consider other more harsh options. I understand you have a lot more at stake because of the pregnancy, but you have to think about yourself and the child that will be on this earth soon. He is clearly pushing you away based on your seeking answers. I feel for you, and I am sorry. Please keep us updated.
 
Abusive relationship alert

OP, this has 110% ALL the warning sounds of an abusive relationship. He doesn't need to punch you in the face for this to be abusive - he's already practically holding you hostage, emotionally blackmailing you, isolating you, destroying your future prospects, controlling your every move, manipulating you, making everything about his needs, using his insecurities to ensure compliance, destroying your relationships with your family, stopping you from being independent, limiting your contact with the outside world as you now need "permission" to go out and he's controlling your digital communication, and it's a totally different set of rules for him, like he's a king or some shit... do I need to go on?? This isn't going to get any better as long as you keep making excuses for his pathetic, out of order, immature, abusive bullshit crybaby behaviour. He's only pulling this "I'm scared of you cheating" shit on you because this way he's got you where he wants you - his property, his home slave, his sex toy. What about your sexual needs and preferences? What about what you enjoy and like, doesn't sound like this features? GET OUT NOW. Abusive relationships always get worse after a baby comes along (because he's still expects it all to be about his needs, nevermind that you're tired and emotional and need support) and he'll resent the baby for taking away your attention and he'll keep talking shit about it not being his (while probably avoiding the paternity tests, after you've finally given in to his ridiculous demands). Maybe then some more serious physical or psychological abuse will start properly, as by that point you'll be completely alone with a baby, nowhere to go and no friends left to turn to. He's already being a controlling asshole. I really hope you can do something to change this dynamic... because (in Dan Savage's words) - this isn't a relationship, this is a hostage situation. Hugs <3 xxx
 
Your situation does not sound healthy and I'm a little worried about this child you're bringing into this.

Couples therapy, for sure!
 
he sounds like a cheater. he is so cheating and then thinking you are like him

this relationship is controlling and accusatory.

why have you tolerated this?
 
I know many guys that are over controlling but they don't cheat. I dont see any direct correlation but there might be some. I agree with lola that this " this isn't a relationship, this is a hostage situation. ".
 
Two things: 1: he is either insecure and controlling 2: is cheating on you and projecting, or often fantasizes/attempts to cheat. Or both

Either way, he needs to completely stop, and if he doesn't .. Leave

Things will only get worse
 
I find myself doing similar things, not to this extent at all like going through your messages or deleting your friends.. But in the back of my head i feel uncomfortable when my gf does "girls night out". Its not good at all what hes doing but its a sign he really doesnt want to lose you and hes VERY insecure. At least thats how i feel.

EDIT:When i started feeling better about myself like going to the gym and tanning ect i lost a lot of my jelousy that i had at the start of our relationship. Most of jealousy stems from insecurity in themselves.
 
An update after 6 years. Where do I begin, so shortly after making this post I had my son, and then completely forgot I had even made it (the post, not my son of course). I'm doing this update so that it might hopefully help someone who is going through or considering going through something similar to me. After we had our son, things seemed to get better. We were in a short of baby bubble and everything was about the baby and for the baby. Things didn't stay that way though I am sure you guessed. He very quickly went back to his old insecurities and would occasionally "joke" that the baby wasn't his with everyone.

I even found out some things I didn't know about him. That he used drugs, and that his business he owned was all about conning people were the biggest surprises. He owned a landscaping company and would often start jobs, get paid then never finish. I tried hard to help me make his business ligit and help him with his finances and managing his time and creating a schedule. I created a website for him and listed his business on several social media platforms. But he only received bad reviews and my attempt to help backfired. Now people could look him up and see that he was bad business. So he demanded I take it all down and stay out of it. So I did. He assured me that his drug use was under control but he would spend hundreds of dollars a week on that poison. He also had a disgusting habit of talking to other women video chatting with them to jerk off.

I stayed with him for another year and a half, limiting my friendships because they made him insecure, distancing my family so they wouldn't see how controlling and abusive he was and worry about me. When I would visit my grandparents he would call every two hours and get upset if we were watching tv, having fun, and heaven forbid I miss a call. I finally convinced him to be okay with me having a job. I picked the girliest job I could (Bath and Bodyworks) knowing it would be mostly female staff, but he was still upset about the one gay guy that worked there. I did start to gain back some of my independence though and progressed really fast in my job. Leo had wrecked my car then sold it without consulting me several months before, and so had to start driving me to work. We still owned two cars but he refused to have the second one fixed so I could drive it (it just needed a new starter and battery) He would complain my job was a burden to him, and tell me to quit not go in. I would be late because of him, and often waited hours after work for him to pick me up.

Something else I should insert before I continue. He was an illegal immigrant. So there was always this fear of him being detained. I expressed this fear with him many times but he was so sure he would never be caught. After the Trump election ICE started tightening up their reigns and I begged him to marry me so we could fix his paperwork. He'd done such an amazing job of making sure my son and I were completely dependent on him. I reminded him many times that if something happened to him we would be left with nothing. I couldn't afford the apartment we had on my own. He'd completely destroyed my credit, by not paying for bills he had put in my name. And I had no friends or family to turn to for help. We would argue about this so often as well as everything else, that I became fed up. I was offered a management position at work that would pay me enough to afford our living expenses and I wanted OUT. I knew that we would probably still have an off and on again thing and we would need to see each other because of our son, but I wanted my own place, I wanted my own life. Of course that's when I found out I was pregnant again. And not just pregnant, 5 months pregnant. I'd lost so much weight and didn't notice the symptoms because of all the stress that I didn't even know until one night I felt the baby kick. I was more surprised than anything, and Leo was so excited.

The one thing I can give him credit for is that he is a decent dad, he might even be a prefect one if he treated the mom's of his kids with an ounce of respect. He loves being a dad, he loves all the dad things. His relationship with our son is quite beautiful. I didn't have my father in my life as a kid (did you already guess the daddy issues?) so I wanted to make sure no matter what happened with our relationship we would raise them together. So I decided to wait a little while and give it a chance.

A week after my pregnancy test Leo was arrested by ICE. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I found out that Leo hadn't been paying the rent, that he hadn't paid off our cars, and I lost everything within a matter of two weeks. I did my best to keep my job, and his business going. My bothers came into town and I drove them and Leo's employees around to the different jobs I knew about to finish what we could and assure everyone else we were doing all we could to get Leo back. but in the meantime I lost the one working car we had and used an entire paycheck just to get the other one up and running. I later found out that he didn't even own that car. He'd gotten it as a trade for a job he never finished. I had to drive around and find the guy who owned it, pay him $600 dollars for the unfinished work (another paycheck) just to get the title. At this point there was no way I could afford rent that month (we owed over $1600 total) and not to mention the 100 dollar consultation fee for the lawyer, plus the $2,500 for her to get started. Then the seperate fees for documents and paperwork. All the while making sure Leo had commissary and money for phone calls. Then ofcourse the car that I have starts to have other issues. I had to quit my job because I had no way to get there. I lost everything.

I move in with my mother and eventually things started to calm down a bit. We lost Leo's immigration case after three months of waiting. Leo was going back to Mexico.

That should be then end of the story. Happy ending right?

Wrong.

I decided to go to Mexico. Judge me as you will. I certainly do. But keep in mind that I had nothing, and no one else. I was 18 when Leo and I started going out, and went straight from a strict household as a kid to an full one relationship as a sudden adult who didn't know how credit worked or how to file my taxes. I'd depended on him for so long. And he was the father of my children. He promised to finally marry me the week I got there and we would work on fixing his paperwork from there.

So I sold the rest of my things, paid off what debts I could then awaited the birth of our daughter. I left for Mexico literally two weeks after she was born.

And this is where shit gets INSANE. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

His sister cam to pick us up from the SAT airport 8 hours from the border. She'd been very kind to us and helped us with most of the lawyer's expenses. I trusted her. It had been a loooong day. I woke up at 4 am just to catch my flight from my home state to the Atlanta GA airport and from there to Texas on my own with an infant and a two year old. I was exhausted to say the least. I fell asleep on the car ride to the border. When I woke up we were in Mexico. SURPRISE!!!

What's wrong with that story? You guessed it, we never. stopped. at. the. border. She had brought me and my children into the country illegally. After I had spend so much money and passports and documents just to cross. Her excuse. "Oh nobody was at the office, you'll have to come back later or go to the consulate". WTF right? But I had never been to the border. I had no idea what to expect or how it worked, so naturally I didn't see any reason not to believe her, though I had m suspicions.

We were reunited with Him. He was so happy to see us and We all cried. Our son was the most overwhelmed and wouldn't let his dad go for hours. It was beautiful.

But you guessed it. It didn't last. He didn't marry me the week I arrived there. And no one would take me to the consulate. I begged for months for help with my visa. But I was continually told not to worry about it, "Mexico isn't like the US you don't really need it here". But I did research online and began to be afraid. there was a lot of conflicting information, but basically I was afraid of loosing my kids or going to prison or both. Our first year goes by and I quickly find out nothing had changed with Him. He still had a drug problem, he still liked to "chat" with other women. He still argued with me and made me feel useless. He even began actually hitting me. I should also mention that we lived with his mom and dad. They saw all of this happen and did nothing to help me. I am grateful to them for allowing us to live with them. Especially at first when we really couldn't afford groceries or the basic things. And over all they were very kind. But I'd had enough. After a year in Mexico I started planning my trip back to the US. I was terrified of what might happen at the border. Leo would often pressure me into having sex with him, I was so angry and unhappy. Basically I would say "No" he would get mad, then put me down, then apologize then push again, and I would be so exhausted from the emotional roller coaster that I would give in,

So I got pregnant again. This time was different. I was not happy and neither was he. I spent months in deep depression. I was so sick through this pregnancy and it took a while for me to accept it and be okay. He didn't take me to the doctor, and he never asked me about how I was feeling. He completely ignored me and the baby, he would stay up all hours of the night getting high, getting horny and occasionally he would come and bother me. If I didn't hate him now I was sure starting to. So I started going to JW meetings regularly and making friends there. I don't know if you believe in god or not but I basically came to the point where I had no where else to turn. I didn't even want to be alive anymore. I was scared I might be giving up soon. Then a friend from the congregation sent me a scripture that basically talks about testing God; Malachi 3:10 . (I promise not to preach to you too much hang in there). Basically in order to be blessed I needed to start living the way God asked. Meaning not living with my boyfriend outside of marriage. To be blessed you have to give God something to bless. and He can't bless an immoral relationship. So I had my baby. Then I left.

Not Mexico. Just an abusive situation. So here I am typing this up. I've moved in with my first friend I have had in a while. My best friend. Leo and I are still "in a relationship" but what kind of relationship that is will be determined in the next few months or so. I like it here in Mexico for the most part, and now that I have a baby here It will be easy for me to fix my undocumented status. I am currently searching for an online teaching job. For the first time in a long time I don't feel anxious about the future. I don't feel hopeless and depressed. He of course is not happy, still begging me to go back, still trying to bargain. But I think that if I can be as loyal to him as I have been and he has treated me so awfully, then I can be just as loyal and stubborn about my choice.

If he wants to have us back he needs to 1) move out of his mothers and get a place of his own. 2) Marry me and 3) Seek help for his drug and mental problems. and 4) Pay to get my tubes tied.

You probably think I am crazy for even considering going back to him. I admit it is insanity. But I no longer expect to ever find my happiness in him. I don't expect that he will ever change or be what I need him to be. But I have a different hope for the future and it no longer is all about him. I want us to raise our kids together if we can. And I will divorce him quicker than a heartbeat if he ever does cheat. But I fully accept that we don't love each other the way married people should and we probably never will.

But so far he has been the biggest wimp about it all. So many excuses on why I am asking for too much, and how much money it is going to cost. So maybe it won't ever happen. At this point I don't even care. Honestly it would be kind of a relief if he just found someone else's life to ruin.

Maybe I'll do another update in several months or a year. Right now I am enjoying my time with my babies in quarantine, and I am going to soak up this moment of happiness and bliss because it won't last, and who knows if I will ever find it again in this system.

So if you have any advice to give I'd love to hear it. But if you notice the signs like the ones I mentioned above in someone you are dating, GET THE HELL OUT.
 
I think you're... not crazy but.... perhaps following not the best path you could have in life?

Lots of <3, I don't know how you're still doing so well <3 <3 <3
 
wow that's quite a story! it sounds like Leo has a Madonna-whore complex, the way he treats you could be deeply tied to his relationship with his mom
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top