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Trying to get clean on my own during the pandy

W

WitchDr

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2018
Messages
69
I'm a 32 year old on benzos for 20 yrs on opiates for 15 yrs an heroin for the last two years.

I began cutting my benzo back down 7yrs ago an did well then I got a rough job an started increasing my opiate intake an then got on heroin 2 yrs ago.

I'm 5 months off of heroin now. An used morphine to help with withdrawals. I've tapered my morphine intake from 160 mgs a day down to 20 mgs a day sometimes less. I'm only on .25 mgs of Clonazepam now but I do take 900 mg of gabapentin an 8 mg of zanaflex.
It's a pretty fucked situation being on benzos and opiates but I haven't given up.

I'm still have zero energy, tons of anxiety, depression and still having minor withdrawals sometimes an can't sleep but overall it feels good to be getting further from the desperation of heroin.
I'm trying to stay positive.

I want to get off the morphine but taking a small amount doesn't get me any kind of high but does keep me from feeling out of control. So I think I need it or I should be ready for buprenorphine but at the same time feel I'm doing really well with the morphine. Either way I don't think going cold sober is a good idea. I have a life an can't afford to go hole up in a rehab, wish I could but I'm broke barley make rent let alone insurance.
 
Not trying to throw out another drug but have ya tried kratom? I know it's "nasty" but is effective in my experiences with withdrawal. Maybe it can be used for a short time to ease further off other substances? It has worked for me and now use it for pain management and anxiety.
Not a doctor but play one sometimes in sex games in real life. 🤭
 
PtahTek said:
Not trying to throw out another drug but have ya tried kratom? I know it's "nasty" but is effective in my experiences with withdrawal. Maybe it can be used for a short time to ease further off other substances? It has worked for me and now use it for pain management and anxiety.
Not a doctor but play one sometimes in sex games in real life. 🤭
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I haven't tried it, but I'll start looking for a source because if it has any potential to help I'm all in. Plus I'm assuming it's a safer alternative to morphine..
Also how do I like comments here?
 
WitchDr said:
Also how do I like comments here?
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I think ya have to have 50 posts to be able to "break free". ;)
WitchDr said:
Plus I'm assuming it's a safer alternative to morphine.
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I personally think so but like all substances it deserves respect (which it looks like you are at the end of a battle and have this). IMO, it may be just what Dr. Love orders. It is subtle but effective.
 
PtahTek said:
I think ya have to have 50 posts to be able to "break free". ;)

I personally think so but like all substances it deserves respect (which it looks like you are at the end of a battle and have this). IMO, it may be just what Dr. Love orders. It is subtle but effective.
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Thanks i don't really have anyone I know who understands what I'm dealing with, it's good to be able to talk to someone with advice based on experience. And I'm definitely going to give kratom a try, anything to help me get further away from the dangerous opiates I'm willing to try.
 
WitchDr said:
i don't really have anyone I know who understands what I'm dealing with,
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Classic and ditto.
been with SO for 25+yrs and she isn't a user and still bashes the shit outta me for it. It is hard to communicate with john doe specially if they have no knowledge/experience of drug use... or worse if they tryin' to hide their use. It's just so fuckin' judgemental that it just aint worth it to even try to talk to most.
I love it here cause we be birds of many colorful feathers. Perfect for me: as high as i may be there is always someone higher; as low... someone is lower. But I fuckin' fit (I think). Go figure.
We can talk whateva, man. discretion goes a long way, though, so dont share any intimate details or this may wind up in the lounge, for fucks sake. =D
Be safe and join the party, bro. Great for distracting one from their own woes. ;)
One love,
Ptah
 
I also try or want to try but everyday the same. I can't right now even if I am at home and have nothing to do. What a fucking anxious thing I am. Hate myself these times.

JJ
 
PtahTek said:
Classic and ditto.
been with SO for 25+yrs and she isn't a user and still bashes the shit outta me for it. It is hard to communicate with john doe specially if they have no knowledge/experience of drug use... or worse if they tryin' to hide their use. It's just so fuckin' judgemental that it just aint worth it to even try to talk to most.
I love it here cause we be birds of many colorful feathers. Perfect for me: as high as i may be there is always someone higher; as low... someone is lower. But I fuckin' fit (I think). Go figure.
We can talk whateva, man. discretion goes a long way, though, so dont share any intimate details or this may wind up in the lounge, for fucks sake. =D
Be safe and join the party, bro. Great for distracting one from their own woes. ;)
One love,
Ptah
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Ya I've been with my SO (who isn't an addict) for 4yrs now she saw me before heroin an during. I tried to hide it but that don't work. It sucks cause we're just starting our relationship an she's seen the worst of me. I'm definitely not my best self and I know she's gotta be sick of it. It motivates me to be better some an also drags me down in shame. So I just don't talk about it at all with her.
I'm glad I found this cause it gives me hope reading other people's stories an realizing I'm not alone an if other people can live their lives going through addiction and recovery then maybe I can too.
 
JoEhJoEh said:
I also try or want to try but everyday the same. I can't right now even if I am at home and have nothing to do. What a fucking anxious thing I am. Hate myself these times.

JJ
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I definitely know how ya feel. I destroys you everyday. I definitely wouldn't be able to get where I am if I didn't have morphine and gaba to taper off the heroin an benzos
 
WitchDr said:
I tried to hide it but that don't work. It sucks cause we're just starting our relationship an she's seen the worst of me.
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Nah, it doesn't work like we think. We went through the same deal in our firs 5 years (the worst) so one can only go up from there. Logical, right? Haha And she has made me a *better person over the years (she is my hero and if I ever grow up i wanna be just like her) and she has gotten equally from me in some way(s) or she wouldn't be around, I guess.
Fuck it: Here's to raising up! It is a lot easier to just keep numbing whatever pain(s) but we have to deal with shit sometimes and I am a great procrastinator and will write a tutorial here somewhere one day inna minute. lol
Ya here... why not share is what i be thinking.
sorry for the english, syntax, spelling, grammer and basic human survival skills im startin to feel a nice buzz on some wood i just acquired
Let's keep the channels open?
We stronger than we think... we just gotta try, focus and create what the fuck we want. Not easy... rather just numb up and fahgettaboutit.
Best
 
PtahTek said:
Nah, it doesn't work like we think. We went through the same deal in our firs 5 years (the worst) so one can only go up from there. Logical, right? Haha And she has made me a *better person over the years (she is my hero and if I ever grow up i wanna be just like her) and she has gotten equally from me in some way(s) or she wouldn't be around, I guess.
Fuck it: Here's to raising up! It is a lot easier to just keep numbing whatever pain(s) but we have to deal with shit sometimes and I am a great procrastinator and will write a tutorial here somewhere one day inna minute. lol
Ya here... why not share is what i be thinking.
sorry for the english, syntax, spelling, grammer and basic human survival skills im startin to feel a nice buzz on some wood i just acquired
Let's keep the channels open?
We stronger than we think... we just gotta try, focus and create what the fuck we want. Not easy... rather just numb up and fahgettaboutit.
Best
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You're right and I like the positivity, I'm trying to rise up an be a person, to feel alive. It's hard but at this point like you said ya got nowhere to go but up. I feel like I got nothing to lose. It's either be on drugs an die or face reality an see what life is. I really don't think anything can be worse then being desperate on heroin.
 
WitchDr said:
It's either be on drugs an die or face reality an see what life is.
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Maybe not for everyone and definitely not trying to promote drug use but can there be a balance? Does it have to be either/or?
Maybe in the beginning. There has to be a conscious experience of ones power to find a balance, maybe? Still looking.
 
Be easy on yourself!! If this was easy, every drug addict in the world would be clean, for as long as they needed or wanted. But its a life time of hard work, and wonderful experiences when clean. I wish my using was not just to " Not be Sick" But it is what it is!! Or it would be differant 😇
 
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