Trying to find hope....

[cdespain3]

Today is day number 16 of my sobriety, and surprisingly it's not the first time that I've said this. A few years ago I decided i wanted to exit my decade-long drug addiction. It seemed easy then. It was like there was finally a bright light, and I realized what I considered a good life was a horrible life that was filled with numbness and consistent selfishness. I wanted to be happy, naturally happy. Not the happiness that you received from a pill; that we all know doesn't last forever. I had a different look at life. I can't explain that moment besides saying I saw a light...

From that moment I decided that I was going to life my life differently. I wanted to be healthier. I knew without a doubt that my ten year drug problem had caused harm to my body, both psychologically and physiologically.

I gave myself a few days to get through the worst of the physical withdrawal, and I got right to my healthier life. I began to pay attention to what I was eating. I ate as naturally and organic as I could. Do not get me wrong, i rewarded myself for hard work, but it was almost a year before I purchased fast food again, and I remember mentioning that my cheeseburger reminded me of seasoned rubber. I even began to go to the gym and being more active all together.

Any other time I had "tried" to quit (my use of quotation marks is due to the fact that anytime before this, I was being persuaded into quitting) the depression and feeling exhausted always drove me back to using. But being active and getting my heart rate up really helped. I would either do a bike ride, run, hike, or go to the gym.

I think within two weeks I was feeling pretty amazing. My life was changing, and I didn't have a desire to use!

(I could include so much more of the journey i had, but i do not want to bore anyone.)

About a year ago, i picked back up where i left off, i was a drug user again. A little over two weeks ago, i decided it was time to quit again. I can't find that same motivation I had, but i am okay with this. I am happy with quitting, but i just want to feel the way i did the last time, but there is not a part of me that want's to do all of that again. I am hoping that the feeling will come eventually, and I'll want to get myself back to peak health. I do have moments of deep depression, moments of feeling empty and a alone. I realize that I am no longer numb, and therefore these feelings will be here for a while, especially when life kicks you in the nuts. (It does seems like when you mess up while on drugs, all the mistakes seems to rush up on you during the weakest parts of your recovery.)

I guess i am writing for encouragement and to get this out. Nobody really knows that i messed up again besides my significant other and my brother....

 

[Ligaturd]

It will absolutely get better. You are in post acute withdrawal syndrome, a pain staking process where your endogenous neurotransmitter levels are normalizing. This lasts 6 months to a year. Things will get better but you have to be strong and patient and get over this hurdel it is this period that is the most important to get through. People feel depressed, apathetic, anxious during thid period and this is the time when it is most easy to relapse. If you are conscious of this you have more knowledge and therefore power over your addiction. You can absolutely conquer this and make a better more fulfilling life for yourself.

 

[neversickanymore]

Have you added in the exercise yet

 

[abadab]

you sound like a pretty strong person. have you found an alternative to deal with stress, boredom and anything else that could trigger a relapse? i think that helps a lot.

 

[VastEmpty]

Cdes-

Congratulations on making it two weeks! You are doing awesome. Keep it up and it WILL get better.

I am sure most of us on here can relate to exactly how you feel. The acute withdrawal stage is sooooo painful and feels like it lasts 8 lifetimes. then, when you feel just a bit better and no longer want to die - but you certainly don't want to live, you don't want to do anything (and by "you," I mean that's how *I* feel when PAWS hits). The not wanting to do anything part lasts the longest for me.

I can tell you how I delt with it when I was in your position. I rationalized - I know everyone can't do that, but it works for me. I knew that there was no way "out" of how I felt. I knew that no matter what, I had to let my body do what it was going to do. Taking pills wasn't an option because I knew that they would poison any progress I made and I would have to do all of it over again - including the feeling I'm having at the time I might want to use a pill to feel better. I just remind myself how sick and circular it all is - and I know the only way to break that cycle us to simply not take another pill...no matter the what or why.

Somehow, rationalizing made it all more bearable for me. It became more of a painful journey than anything else. Something I was just kind of "along for the ride" on. I found it easier to give in to what I was feeling and what was going on around me knowing that my only real "job"'in all of this was to just not take another pill - meanwhile I know I have no choice but to need to sit back and let my body heal from all the damage I have done to it.

I did have one question, but no need to answer it if you don't want to. Is your significant other and brother supportive with all of this?

Sorry i I can't be more helpful. You can't rush it. And it is harder than hell. I would literally have to repeat the above mentioned thought process about 52 minutes out of every hour in the beginning. It gets easier. Keep coming back, if it helps, we are always here to cheer you on. You absolutely can do this and get back to peak health in time!

- VE

 

[RedRum OG]

Good luck man. Healthy living ( healthy eating, sleeping, exercise, hobbies) truly is the key to recovery.

 

[herbavore]

OP, you learned so much and enacted so many changes and now you have that experience to draw on. But obviously there was something deeper that you did not get to last time around so now you have the opportunity to explore that and add that knowledge to your self knowledge. I think people want to be high for so many different reasons. You have to ask what deep need is not being fulfilled? Is it a need for adventure and risk, something to alleviate boredom? Is it a need for love and acceptance on a level that you do not have? Is it a need to escape from a painful past? What does it do for you when you are using? You already know what it does not do for you but what are the benefits that drew you back in? Once you identify what it gives you, you can begin to seek healthy ways to get that into your life without being owned by a drug habit. One of the worst aspects of addiction is the instant gratification; healthy alternatives take time and persistence, risks and trials. It can be hard at first but well worth the effort to keep going deeper into yourself. Any chance you could go to a therapist and explore some of that?

 

[cdespain3]

I would absolutely say that PAWS is the worst part of recovery. I have started to add physical activity into my recovery. I have started doing yoga daily. I am not flexible, so this should be interesting. It does seem to give me the energy i need to get me through the day. I was at work for eleven hours yesterday, and I was in an excellent mood and felt energized. I keep reminding myself that this is temporary, and that I have done this before, so I can do this again. I think the more time I alone that i have, the worst the PAWS will be, so getting out and being around people really does do wonders for your mental state.

 

[cdespain3]

Thank you for the kind words. I really do know that it will get better, but in the moments that it's the worst is when i begin to feel the weakest. Rather than allowing my mind consume me, i get moving. It doesn't matter what i do, i just make sure that i get my mind on something else that isn't so draining.