Antiprosynthesis
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 15, 2022
- Messages
- 1,155
*trigger warning*
The content in this thread may be triggering to people in recovery. Please proceed with caution.
At the moment i AM not engaging in any dirty drug use, but i used to engage in a lot of dirty drug use, i AM going to do everything I can To never again go back to dirty drug use...
Dirty drug use van mean many different things that are not at all always referring to the actual using, the consumption of drugs but it often refers to other aspects of drug use that are more indirect consequences...
I dont really know in which way exactly these things are actually dirty, IT can have something to do with things that are actually not hygienic, but often this has nothing to do with it and IT often refers to dirty in another meaning, more a mental kind of dirty...
One of the worst types of dirty use for me personally is buying only very little food to have more money for drugs, i often binged seriously on stims so i automatically ate very little OR nothing, depending if i used coke when i still would like to eat a little but OR if i did speed OR Meth and would not wat at all...
Often i also didn't have any money when the stim binge ended and i not only started to get really hungry but simply urgently needed food for recovery and basic survival...
This feels very dirty to me, and this is the only word that perfectly describes hoe this made me feel, dirty...
Having poor hygiëne due to heavy drug use is Both by definition dirty drug use as well that IT means ITs mentally dirty...
Shooting up to me is also a type of dirty drug use, very dirty actually, i did IV drugs a few times, once with heroin, once with coke, and once Both in a speedball, i did this one the first Day, the following Day the other and the Day after that i did the combo, everything.in my body screamed out to not shoot up but i really needed to know what it was like and i had a specific interest in shooting up coke, heroin and a speedball but had no interest at all in doing this with Any other drug, i used meth for a while and i really liked smoking It but nothing in me, not even the smallest part of me, wanted to know what it was like to IV Meth and i even not once wondered about this...
To shoot up was a must for me, simply because I really believed that this would be the ultimate drug experience, and of course if there is one ultimate drug to shoot up imo its heroin, and coke was at that time by far and already quite some time my nr 1 drug, so i really had to do this IV... And I always had a fascination with speedballs because I had a strong feeling the euphoria of Both the coke and the heroin would be much more intense and also because this to me was a classic to iv and the fact that i already wanted to IV coke and heroin each alone and the speedball meant that i didn't have to IV A third extra drug felt as a really good thing to me, and tho my body screamed no because this felt so dirty to me, Both in a hygienic as well as mental way, i was really excited About doing this and once i started planning this i really looked forward to it.
I decided i would shoot up 3 days in a row, each Day one shot of each thing i wanted and after that never to shoot up again, except if something went wrong and i would not have any effect at all for example due to probably having used a too small dose, i wanted to keep trying till each 3 were succesful, i excecuted my plan from the first time with great succes and never did IV again and never even felt like doing IT again and im pretty sure that i Will also not do this ever again in the future...
I did really lots of research before Excecuting my plan, about the drugs, the combo and anything relevant about IV... However, i dus not want to do the actual shot myself as i suspected this would not be something I would be good at and also i knew from experience with doctors that i had very difficult veins, something that really worried me as even professionals like doctors had quite a lot of difficulties with my veins and they always had to try multiple Times before they could take blood...
But i remotely knew a guy that was a regular IV user of also Both coke and heroin,.only he did not do speedballs, hè was not someone i had any real connection with but he was not a bad Guy and seemed to have very little to no problems with shooting up, and hè seemed to be quite able to do IV in a good way, for example hè always used a scale to measure his doses while most IV users i knew didn't even own a scale, and what really made me feel good was that he was not really a hardcore user, at least compared to other IV users i knew as i see simply shooting up as being hardcore...
So, he helped me out and all 3 shots were succesfull without Any real difficulties and i enjoyed every experience very much, however since this was really a must to me i really expected a lot from IT and tho each shot was really good i expected more from IT, i did not deel like this was the most intense drug experience that could be possible... As suspected i enjoyed the speedball the most and IT did produce the most euphoria, what i considered to be the least enjoyable, but still good, was the coke, this Just was not that intense, perhaps Maybe could have used a bit larger dose for the coke?
The IV coke did give me a specific feeling and this feeling was the most intense and to this day, over 20 yrs later, i can really remember this feeling very well, and IT felt like a really clean feeling and i cant really describe IT much better than that, IT felt like the coke was cleaned somehow like all the dirt in IT was gone, this was a special feeling and tho this was the least experience im happy that i was able to experience coke this way...
Back to types of dirty drug use now:
Scamming ppl for money to buy drugs is dirty...
Stealing food or drinks in stores cause you spent all your money on drugs is dirty...
Not cleaning your home due to drug use is dirty in Both ways...
Lying and manipulating due to anything concerning drugs is dirty and when this happens with loved ones this is probably as well as not buying food the most dirty type of drug use...
And there are many more types of dirty.drug use, but im not going to list Them all...
Im sure you guys know what i mean with dirty, what are dirty ways of using drugs To you?
The content in this thread may be triggering to people in recovery. Please proceed with caution.
At the moment i AM not engaging in any dirty drug use, but i used to engage in a lot of dirty drug use, i AM going to do everything I can To never again go back to dirty drug use...
Dirty drug use van mean many different things that are not at all always referring to the actual using, the consumption of drugs but it often refers to other aspects of drug use that are more indirect consequences...
I dont really know in which way exactly these things are actually dirty, IT can have something to do with things that are actually not hygienic, but often this has nothing to do with it and IT often refers to dirty in another meaning, more a mental kind of dirty...
One of the worst types of dirty use for me personally is buying only very little food to have more money for drugs, i often binged seriously on stims so i automatically ate very little OR nothing, depending if i used coke when i still would like to eat a little but OR if i did speed OR Meth and would not wat at all...
Often i also didn't have any money when the stim binge ended and i not only started to get really hungry but simply urgently needed food for recovery and basic survival...
This feels very dirty to me, and this is the only word that perfectly describes hoe this made me feel, dirty...
Having poor hygiëne due to heavy drug use is Both by definition dirty drug use as well that IT means ITs mentally dirty...
Shooting up to me is also a type of dirty drug use, very dirty actually, i did IV drugs a few times, once with heroin, once with coke, and once Both in a speedball, i did this one the first Day, the following Day the other and the Day after that i did the combo, everything.in my body screamed out to not shoot up but i really needed to know what it was like and i had a specific interest in shooting up coke, heroin and a speedball but had no interest at all in doing this with Any other drug, i used meth for a while and i really liked smoking It but nothing in me, not even the smallest part of me, wanted to know what it was like to IV Meth and i even not once wondered about this...
To shoot up was a must for me, simply because I really believed that this would be the ultimate drug experience, and of course if there is one ultimate drug to shoot up imo its heroin, and coke was at that time by far and already quite some time my nr 1 drug, so i really had to do this IV... And I always had a fascination with speedballs because I had a strong feeling the euphoria of Both the coke and the heroin would be much more intense and also because this to me was a classic to iv and the fact that i already wanted to IV coke and heroin each alone and the speedball meant that i didn't have to IV A third extra drug felt as a really good thing to me, and tho my body screamed no because this felt so dirty to me, Both in a hygienic as well as mental way, i was really excited About doing this and once i started planning this i really looked forward to it.
I decided i would shoot up 3 days in a row, each Day one shot of each thing i wanted and after that never to shoot up again, except if something went wrong and i would not have any effect at all for example due to probably having used a too small dose, i wanted to keep trying till each 3 were succesful, i excecuted my plan from the first time with great succes and never did IV again and never even felt like doing IT again and im pretty sure that i Will also not do this ever again in the future...
I did really lots of research before Excecuting my plan, about the drugs, the combo and anything relevant about IV... However, i dus not want to do the actual shot myself as i suspected this would not be something I would be good at and also i knew from experience with doctors that i had very difficult veins, something that really worried me as even professionals like doctors had quite a lot of difficulties with my veins and they always had to try multiple Times before they could take blood...
But i remotely knew a guy that was a regular IV user of also Both coke and heroin,.only he did not do speedballs, hè was not someone i had any real connection with but he was not a bad Guy and seemed to have very little to no problems with shooting up, and hè seemed to be quite able to do IV in a good way, for example hè always used a scale to measure his doses while most IV users i knew didn't even own a scale, and what really made me feel good was that he was not really a hardcore user, at least compared to other IV users i knew as i see simply shooting up as being hardcore...
So, he helped me out and all 3 shots were succesfull without Any real difficulties and i enjoyed every experience very much, however since this was really a must to me i really expected a lot from IT and tho each shot was really good i expected more from IT, i did not deel like this was the most intense drug experience that could be possible... As suspected i enjoyed the speedball the most and IT did produce the most euphoria, what i considered to be the least enjoyable, but still good, was the coke, this Just was not that intense, perhaps Maybe could have used a bit larger dose for the coke?
The IV coke did give me a specific feeling and this feeling was the most intense and to this day, over 20 yrs later, i can really remember this feeling very well, and IT felt like a really clean feeling and i cant really describe IT much better than that, IT felt like the coke was cleaned somehow like all the dirt in IT was gone, this was a special feeling and tho this was the least experience im happy that i was able to experience coke this way...
Back to types of dirty drug use now:
Scamming ppl for money to buy drugs is dirty...
Stealing food or drinks in stores cause you spent all your money on drugs is dirty...
Not cleaning your home due to drug use is dirty in Both ways...
Lying and manipulating due to anything concerning drugs is dirty and when this happens with loved ones this is probably as well as not buying food the most dirty type of drug use...
And there are many more types of dirty.drug use, but im not going to list Them all...
Im sure you guys know what i mean with dirty, what are dirty ways of using drugs To you?
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Edit: effects of alcohol not illegal drugs.
But that's great your family forgave you. It's hard to know how much of the shame is caused by our own minds rather than others. I had a bit of a breakthrough with that one night after talking to a friend for a long time about why my brother and I were/are such drug fiends. 
I remember consciously thinking I need to forgive myself for this behaviour because somehow my mind associates cigarettes with safety and comfort, and part of me thinks I will *die* without them.
I quickly pulled over to get rid of it and make sure she hadn't cut herself.. She hadn't, but even now I feel horrible about that incident. It's a vivid memory of how shit my alcoholism was and the lifestyle of it.