Last night I went to an event with DJs in the main room and rock/jam bands playing the smaller stage. Everything was cool for a while, mostly chilling in the band side, good vibes there. I had taken 2 ecstasy pills hours apart, and was feeling comfortable enough to add a psych on top, so I ate my capsule of miprocin. Again, feeling great for a while. But then something changed. The headliner came on and began blasting this hideous 500 bpm random noise hateful bullshit, and the crowd WENT NUTS. I was laughing about it at first, like this is just ridiculous nonsense.
I went back to the band side to enjoy some funky tunes. The people here are much cooler. As time goes on though, more and more of the "others" began coming over to my haven. The one that I think really set off my negative spiral was this young dude, all muscles, no shirt, jumping around and fist punching the air like it owed him money... during a particularly slow section of a song. After a few seconds of "raging" and nobody joining him, he got a seriously confused look on his face and made his exit, still jumping around, but now with a consternated look on his face.
Throughout the night I had been seeing signs of shady dealings, one in particular involving a dispute over coke sales. I sensed an undercurrent of impending violence. Many of the faces I saw filtering into the band room were straight out of "faces of meth". One chick with utterly destroyed teeth and skin was just bouncing up and down to make her tits wobble at 300 rpm. This whole picture I got, and frankly I colored with my own biases, was insanely negative and toxic to me. I began backtracking the imagined life choices of "rage guy" until I was nearly crying for him. I continued on this thought process for many minutes, trying to ignore the negativity that I felt, but eventually I worked my way into a near panic attack and made a hasty exit, not even saying goodbye to some of the friends I came with.
I spent some time in the car discussing the events with one of my closest friends through text messages and just waited to calm down enough to drive. Another friend had posted a Beatles song on Facebook, and this was exactly the change of pace I needed. I spent much of the ride home listening to Beatles songs and then Above & Beyond, to prove to myself that their is loving, beautiful, inspirational electronic music to counter the deplorable methy madness I had just experienced.
I took some psychic bruising last night, but I feel that I will come out stronger for it in the end. I will have to be much more careful with my psych use in public places from now on, a lesson I should have known already, but which has now been hammered home forcefully. I can only imagine the lasting damage if I had used a "deeper" tryptamine like psilacetin. My question now is, how do I deal with the horrible imagery and the negative emotions, both witnessed and imagined, that are stuck in my mind? What is there to integrate from this, or is it best to try to forget and move on? I feel like I looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked back at me with hunger in its eyes.
EDIT: I want to add that I am glad that I waited until I was sober to write this. I fear that if I had spelled this out in my vulnerable state, that would have cemented the negativity and anxiety much more. They're still there, but much less immediate and threatening than before. I am truly sorry that the hippies had to be roped into that mess, it really ought to have been 2 separate events rather than trying to coexist.
I went back to the band side to enjoy some funky tunes. The people here are much cooler. As time goes on though, more and more of the "others" began coming over to my haven. The one that I think really set off my negative spiral was this young dude, all muscles, no shirt, jumping around and fist punching the air like it owed him money... during a particularly slow section of a song. After a few seconds of "raging" and nobody joining him, he got a seriously confused look on his face and made his exit, still jumping around, but now with a consternated look on his face.
Throughout the night I had been seeing signs of shady dealings, one in particular involving a dispute over coke sales. I sensed an undercurrent of impending violence. Many of the faces I saw filtering into the band room were straight out of "faces of meth". One chick with utterly destroyed teeth and skin was just bouncing up and down to make her tits wobble at 300 rpm. This whole picture I got, and frankly I colored with my own biases, was insanely negative and toxic to me. I began backtracking the imagined life choices of "rage guy" until I was nearly crying for him. I continued on this thought process for many minutes, trying to ignore the negativity that I felt, but eventually I worked my way into a near panic attack and made a hasty exit, not even saying goodbye to some of the friends I came with.
I spent some time in the car discussing the events with one of my closest friends through text messages and just waited to calm down enough to drive. Another friend had posted a Beatles song on Facebook, and this was exactly the change of pace I needed. I spent much of the ride home listening to Beatles songs and then Above & Beyond, to prove to myself that their is loving, beautiful, inspirational electronic music to counter the deplorable methy madness I had just experienced.
I took some psychic bruising last night, but I feel that I will come out stronger for it in the end. I will have to be much more careful with my psych use in public places from now on, a lesson I should have known already, but which has now been hammered home forcefully. I can only imagine the lasting damage if I had used a "deeper" tryptamine like psilacetin. My question now is, how do I deal with the horrible imagery and the negative emotions, both witnessed and imagined, that are stuck in my mind? What is there to integrate from this, or is it best to try to forget and move on? I feel like I looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked back at me with hunger in its eyes.
EDIT: I want to add that I am glad that I waited until I was sober to write this. I fear that if I had spelled this out in my vulnerable state, that would have cemented the negativity and anxiety much more. They're still there, but much less immediate and threatening than before. I am truly sorry that the hippies had to be roped into that mess, it really ought to have been 2 separate events rather than trying to coexist.
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