ferocious_squirrel
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 10, 2022
- Messages
- 2
The dosage and timeline is approximate. This wasn't expected to be worthy of a trip report at all until the very end.
* 20:30 to 21:00: a glass champagne
* 22:00 to 24:00: 2 glasses wine
* 24:00-3:00: several shots of whisky (40% alcohol), 1x whisky sour
* 01:00: catnip, vaporized (1 or 2 loads)
* 01:30: nicotine, from an e-cigarette, around 12 puffs in a row
* 03:00: coffee, 1 espresso
* 03:30: cannabis, 80mg, vaporized
* 04:30: 1 cigarette, smoked
My [26M] relationship with cigarettes has been a story of reluctance and disappointment. During my mostly-drug-naive adolescence and early adulthood (up to the age of 25) I avoided them due to their reputation of being extremely addictive and a strong fear of addiction. When I finally tried them, I had already had cannabis and psychedelics as a comparison. I tried cigarettes about 6 times throughout the last year: on its own, with cannabis, with alcohol, with DXM (1st plateau), even with LSD (when I ended up throwing it away and running away from the smoke). For the mixes, my motivation has always been curiosity how such a stimulant would mix with the other drug. Each and every time I ended up disappointed, I either felt nothing or the effect was not intense enough; however, for some reason I kept trying different combos.
I attended a party, which started with a glass champagne. However, this initial dose of alcohol was way more dissociative than usually. Having drunk two thirds of it, I would disconnect from the conversation and stare at the marble-like patterns at the wall. More wine was given during the meals and afterwards we started drinking cocktails, vodka and whisky. At some point people started dancing and this was the point when I decided to add some catnip.
This time catnip had a pronounced stimulant effect. The alcohol-induced brain fog receded to some extent. My body felt energized, yet my brain was somewhat sluggish. This reminded me of a previous experience where a cigarette would somewhat counter the cannabis intoxication and led me to a curious thought: how would the two mix? After a while I followed my curiosity. One of the guests had an electronic cigarette and I borrowed theirs to test the mix. In order to make sure I can actually feel anything, I kept inhaling until I could barely stand and had to sit down. I felt a stimulant tingling throughout my body, resembling the one I experienced on 4-FMA. However, unlike the latter, even such a strong dose of nicotine was disappointing; the stimulation afterwards was not significantly stronger than the one before the experiment.
The party ended at 3am and I planned going to a club with an intent of trying to get laid, so I drank an espresso, with the intent to see how it would mix with cannabis (not noticing how absurd the latter intent was, given how many drugs I had mixed so far). No pronounced effect. After roughly 30 minutes I reached the club and vaporized cannabis. The effects were perceptible but not as strong as I would expect from such a dose, perhaps due to prior intoxication.
At the club, I alternated between the dancefloor and a quiet lounge. As usually, cannabis provided excellent immersion while dancing, however, none of the females there was receptive. People said with admiration I was having great fun there, but deep inside I felt it was not me but just the drug. Without it, the frustration of being unable to get laid would bubble up much more quickly. This was the dancefloor part - in the lounge it didn't go much better; girls either didn't keep the conversation with me going or eventually turned out to be taken.
At some point I approached a table, where three female high school students stood, smoking cigarettes. The conversation was quite mediocre, but I was unable to tell if it was their lack of effort in keeping it up or my intoxication, so I kept on trying for some time. At some point one of the girls grabbed one more cigarette (speaking about how she started to like them). I have no idea what my logic was and how I ended up doing that, but I asked for one too and was smoking it in around a minute, as quickly as possible, barely taking breaks between the puffs. Perhaps I did so in order to obtain as strong an effect as possible, but I'm not sure if it's just my rationalization _a posteriori_. This time, the effect was clearly sedative, noticing my eyes closing themselves slightly ajar and my mind slightly disconnecting from the surroundings - and it was an unpleasant state to me. I didn't really finish the cigarette because of that and I didn't smoke any more, even though I talked to some other girls who smoked at the lounge later on, with one of the conversations ending up exchanging phone numbers.
Even though that even was seemingly a kind of success, I had an overwhelming feeling of disgust about the whole night out. I felt I had mistreated my own body and didn't like it. I also felt I didn't really like the place I visited. Other of my reflections were that it wasn't an effective or sustainable method of meeting girls; that the way we partied was not even hedonism but rather self-destruction. I also noticed how curiosity was a loophole for my brain and could be used to rationalize virtually anything, as I should've expected to be disappointed by nicotine; that curiostiy itself can't be a sufficient reason to do something.
I arrived at home around 6am. I had a lingering feeling of having mistreated my own body and consequent disgust. My lungs hurt and so did my throat. After some basic hygiene I went to sleep and woke up after an hour. This is when things started to get scary.
After I woke up I felt a pressing thought to smoke a cigarette. Its bodily manifestation resembled a prick and it displaced all other thoughts. It disregarded the whole physical side effects caused by the tobacco stick, the state of the lungs and the throat. At some level, I was aware I shouldn't do it, but awareness was all my brain could spare; the feeling persisted and eventually all my actions happened as though guided by an autopilot and there was even no place for resistance. I recalled that there have been some leftover cigarettes at the balcony so I started to look for a lighter, but there was none in the whole apartment. I started looking for the wallet in my backpack. As soon as I grabbed it, I had a sudden moment of realization, when I broke out of the autopilot mode for awhile and asked myself what the hell I was doing. This is the first time in my life to experience a compulsion to redose. I'm not sure if this is how an addiction feels like, but I felt frightened by the sheer feeling of incapacitation of my willpower. Still having the twinging sensation, I repeated myself that the compulsion to redose is just the result of all the drugs taken that night and that it would subside.
Then the cycle of falling asleep, waking up after an hour, experiencing the craving and falling asleep again repeated 3 or 4 times. Each subsequent time, however, was much easier to handle. Some residual thoughts like this would reappear for the rest of the day and even during the subsequent days. My lungs would keep on hurting for a day and my throat remains hoarse for two days.
Rationally, I admit, more strongly than ever, that cigarettes are the most disappointing drug I've ever tried and their use would be a net negative addition to my life, even in smallest quantities. Actually, I don't see any reason to use them at all for their effects. Their stimulating effect is disappointing and catnip is equally effective at countering intoxication; I explicitly dislike their sedative effects. As far as the social aspect is concerned, one can easily enter conversations without relying on the drug, which I have verified myself - it just takes some self-confidence.
However, it baffles me that some part of my brain doesn't want to part from this wicked drug forever and never touch it again, even though it's the right thing to do. This, again, is scary, especially that I my use have always been occasional. There seems to be a part of the brain that wants to get deeper into the rabbit hole, even though it should be clear there's nothing of value there. This is also a clear warning sign for me to finally stop experimenting with it and avoid it in the future.
All in all, I do consider this a valuable experience. Several factors helped me notice the insidiousness of an addictive drug like that: my dislike for the effects, prior negative attitude to all the side effects and prior experience with more intense drugs. Had the first really addictive I came across been something I'd actually like, it might've taken me a much longer time to see the dark side.
* 20:30 to 21:00: a glass champagne
* 22:00 to 24:00: 2 glasses wine
* 24:00-3:00: several shots of whisky (40% alcohol), 1x whisky sour
* 01:00: catnip, vaporized (1 or 2 loads)
* 01:30: nicotine, from an e-cigarette, around 12 puffs in a row
* 03:00: coffee, 1 espresso
* 03:30: cannabis, 80mg, vaporized
* 04:30: 1 cigarette, smoked
My [26M] relationship with cigarettes has been a story of reluctance and disappointment. During my mostly-drug-naive adolescence and early adulthood (up to the age of 25) I avoided them due to their reputation of being extremely addictive and a strong fear of addiction. When I finally tried them, I had already had cannabis and psychedelics as a comparison. I tried cigarettes about 6 times throughout the last year: on its own, with cannabis, with alcohol, with DXM (1st plateau), even with LSD (when I ended up throwing it away and running away from the smoke). For the mixes, my motivation has always been curiosity how such a stimulant would mix with the other drug. Each and every time I ended up disappointed, I either felt nothing or the effect was not intense enough; however, for some reason I kept trying different combos.
I attended a party, which started with a glass champagne. However, this initial dose of alcohol was way more dissociative than usually. Having drunk two thirds of it, I would disconnect from the conversation and stare at the marble-like patterns at the wall. More wine was given during the meals and afterwards we started drinking cocktails, vodka and whisky. At some point people started dancing and this was the point when I decided to add some catnip.
This time catnip had a pronounced stimulant effect. The alcohol-induced brain fog receded to some extent. My body felt energized, yet my brain was somewhat sluggish. This reminded me of a previous experience where a cigarette would somewhat counter the cannabis intoxication and led me to a curious thought: how would the two mix? After a while I followed my curiosity. One of the guests had an electronic cigarette and I borrowed theirs to test the mix. In order to make sure I can actually feel anything, I kept inhaling until I could barely stand and had to sit down. I felt a stimulant tingling throughout my body, resembling the one I experienced on 4-FMA. However, unlike the latter, even such a strong dose of nicotine was disappointing; the stimulation afterwards was not significantly stronger than the one before the experiment.
The party ended at 3am and I planned going to a club with an intent of trying to get laid, so I drank an espresso, with the intent to see how it would mix with cannabis (not noticing how absurd the latter intent was, given how many drugs I had mixed so far). No pronounced effect. After roughly 30 minutes I reached the club and vaporized cannabis. The effects were perceptible but not as strong as I would expect from such a dose, perhaps due to prior intoxication.
At the club, I alternated between the dancefloor and a quiet lounge. As usually, cannabis provided excellent immersion while dancing, however, none of the females there was receptive. People said with admiration I was having great fun there, but deep inside I felt it was not me but just the drug. Without it, the frustration of being unable to get laid would bubble up much more quickly. This was the dancefloor part - in the lounge it didn't go much better; girls either didn't keep the conversation with me going or eventually turned out to be taken.
At some point I approached a table, where three female high school students stood, smoking cigarettes. The conversation was quite mediocre, but I was unable to tell if it was their lack of effort in keeping it up or my intoxication, so I kept on trying for some time. At some point one of the girls grabbed one more cigarette (speaking about how she started to like them). I have no idea what my logic was and how I ended up doing that, but I asked for one too and was smoking it in around a minute, as quickly as possible, barely taking breaks between the puffs. Perhaps I did so in order to obtain as strong an effect as possible, but I'm not sure if it's just my rationalization _a posteriori_. This time, the effect was clearly sedative, noticing my eyes closing themselves slightly ajar and my mind slightly disconnecting from the surroundings - and it was an unpleasant state to me. I didn't really finish the cigarette because of that and I didn't smoke any more, even though I talked to some other girls who smoked at the lounge later on, with one of the conversations ending up exchanging phone numbers.
Even though that even was seemingly a kind of success, I had an overwhelming feeling of disgust about the whole night out. I felt I had mistreated my own body and didn't like it. I also felt I didn't really like the place I visited. Other of my reflections were that it wasn't an effective or sustainable method of meeting girls; that the way we partied was not even hedonism but rather self-destruction. I also noticed how curiosity was a loophole for my brain and could be used to rationalize virtually anything, as I should've expected to be disappointed by nicotine; that curiostiy itself can't be a sufficient reason to do something.
I arrived at home around 6am. I had a lingering feeling of having mistreated my own body and consequent disgust. My lungs hurt and so did my throat. After some basic hygiene I went to sleep and woke up after an hour. This is when things started to get scary.
After I woke up I felt a pressing thought to smoke a cigarette. Its bodily manifestation resembled a prick and it displaced all other thoughts. It disregarded the whole physical side effects caused by the tobacco stick, the state of the lungs and the throat. At some level, I was aware I shouldn't do it, but awareness was all my brain could spare; the feeling persisted and eventually all my actions happened as though guided by an autopilot and there was even no place for resistance. I recalled that there have been some leftover cigarettes at the balcony so I started to look for a lighter, but there was none in the whole apartment. I started looking for the wallet in my backpack. As soon as I grabbed it, I had a sudden moment of realization, when I broke out of the autopilot mode for awhile and asked myself what the hell I was doing. This is the first time in my life to experience a compulsion to redose. I'm not sure if this is how an addiction feels like, but I felt frightened by the sheer feeling of incapacitation of my willpower. Still having the twinging sensation, I repeated myself that the compulsion to redose is just the result of all the drugs taken that night and that it would subside.
Then the cycle of falling asleep, waking up after an hour, experiencing the craving and falling asleep again repeated 3 or 4 times. Each subsequent time, however, was much easier to handle. Some residual thoughts like this would reappear for the rest of the day and even during the subsequent days. My lungs would keep on hurting for a day and my throat remains hoarse for two days.
Rationally, I admit, more strongly than ever, that cigarettes are the most disappointing drug I've ever tried and their use would be a net negative addition to my life, even in smallest quantities. Actually, I don't see any reason to use them at all for their effects. Their stimulating effect is disappointing and catnip is equally effective at countering intoxication; I explicitly dislike their sedative effects. As far as the social aspect is concerned, one can easily enter conversations without relying on the drug, which I have verified myself - it just takes some self-confidence.
However, it baffles me that some part of my brain doesn't want to part from this wicked drug forever and never touch it again, even though it's the right thing to do. This, again, is scary, especially that I my use have always been occasional. There seems to be a part of the brain that wants to get deeper into the rabbit hole, even though it should be clear there's nothing of value there. This is also a clear warning sign for me to finally stop experimenting with it and avoid it in the future.
All in all, I do consider this a valuable experience. Several factors helped me notice the insidiousness of an addictive drug like that: my dislike for the effects, prior negative attitude to all the side effects and prior experience with more intense drugs. Had the first really addictive I came across been something I'd actually like, it might've taken me a much longer time to see the dark side.
