gatorade_rainbow
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 31, 2016
- Messages
- 1
This is my first post on bluelight, if the thread is in the wrong subforum, i apologize.
M20. In mid-March of this year, I was in a dark spot. I was recovering from the most catastrophic year of my life and right in the middle of the worst of the SAD. I wasn't functioning to the level that I should have and had a lot of energy crashes and bad moods. I decided I couldn't fight this through discipline alone and tried to give myself a fighting chance. I wanted something to provide me with energy, focus, and motivation whenever I needed it. Coffee wasn't enough, so I ordered some 4F-MPH. The period of waiting it to come through the mail was agonizing; even before I tried it, I was addicted. I understood the risks of depression and accepted them from the beginning, knowing that I would prefer that to constant depression. In the time before it came in, I was barely functioning, waiting for the boost in the right direction.
When it finally came in, it took me a few tries to find a high enough dosage (which was 20 mg orally, I never went above that amount). I was hoping for 5 hours of physical and mental energy; instead, I got 1-2 hours of only physical energy with no focus attached. After the peak died, the residual stimulation felt like I had more energy than I knew what to do with, but I was tired at the same time. It prevented energy crashes temporarily, but it hurt my appetite (which I already struggle with). Also, I had the social aptitude of a gargoyle while I was on it. Still, I kept using it almost every day hoping the next day, I would get it to work how I wanted - and I did like the first hour.
On my 21st. day of using, I woke up late, dosed, had an okay workout at the gym, played on the Internet, then went to grab a grilled cheese sandwich. As I sat in the lobby eating it, but I only got half of it down. A realization hit me: "It's 3 pm, I've barely eaten anything today, I've just finished a workout.. and I can't even eat the lightest sandwich on the menu. That's not okay - especially since my main goal is to bulk right now and I've lost 10 lbs. in 3 weeks. I already have stomach issues and this is exacerbating them. Any energy I get is cancelled out by my low blood sugar. This shit is hurting more than it's helping. No wonder I've been struggling so much socially. This stuff snuck up on me." I decided right then and there that was my last dose.
And it was. I suffered no withdrawal symptoms and my appetite improved on day 1 of quitting. 5 weeks later, I still have not used it. Around the same time, I've moved into a less stressful and more sunny environment, but my mood is much better. My self-confidence is a lot higher because I did win a mental victory by realizing the 4F was bad for me and quitting instantly without bullshitting. Still, the door is open for me to use - I think I will take some before the monster shift at my fast food job on Saturday - busiest day of the year because a parade's in town. And I'll use it for my Thursday, 8 am, organic chemistry labs next semester. I have the self-control. I know not to make it a daily thing, because food has to come first.
So do you think I can say that I overcame a legitimate addiction? I sure thought like an addict before and during my use, but I used for such a short time and quitting was so quick and easy. Does it count?
M20. In mid-March of this year, I was in a dark spot. I was recovering from the most catastrophic year of my life and right in the middle of the worst of the SAD. I wasn't functioning to the level that I should have and had a lot of energy crashes and bad moods. I decided I couldn't fight this through discipline alone and tried to give myself a fighting chance. I wanted something to provide me with energy, focus, and motivation whenever I needed it. Coffee wasn't enough, so I ordered some 4F-MPH. The period of waiting it to come through the mail was agonizing; even before I tried it, I was addicted. I understood the risks of depression and accepted them from the beginning, knowing that I would prefer that to constant depression. In the time before it came in, I was barely functioning, waiting for the boost in the right direction.
When it finally came in, it took me a few tries to find a high enough dosage (which was 20 mg orally, I never went above that amount). I was hoping for 5 hours of physical and mental energy; instead, I got 1-2 hours of only physical energy with no focus attached. After the peak died, the residual stimulation felt like I had more energy than I knew what to do with, but I was tired at the same time. It prevented energy crashes temporarily, but it hurt my appetite (which I already struggle with). Also, I had the social aptitude of a gargoyle while I was on it. Still, I kept using it almost every day hoping the next day, I would get it to work how I wanted - and I did like the first hour.
On my 21st. day of using, I woke up late, dosed, had an okay workout at the gym, played on the Internet, then went to grab a grilled cheese sandwich. As I sat in the lobby eating it, but I only got half of it down. A realization hit me: "It's 3 pm, I've barely eaten anything today, I've just finished a workout.. and I can't even eat the lightest sandwich on the menu. That's not okay - especially since my main goal is to bulk right now and I've lost 10 lbs. in 3 weeks. I already have stomach issues and this is exacerbating them. Any energy I get is cancelled out by my low blood sugar. This shit is hurting more than it's helping. No wonder I've been struggling so much socially. This stuff snuck up on me." I decided right then and there that was my last dose.
And it was. I suffered no withdrawal symptoms and my appetite improved on day 1 of quitting. 5 weeks later, I still have not used it. Around the same time, I've moved into a less stressful and more sunny environment, but my mood is much better. My self-confidence is a lot higher because I did win a mental victory by realizing the 4F was bad for me and quitting instantly without bullshitting. Still, the door is open for me to use - I think I will take some before the monster shift at my fast food job on Saturday - busiest day of the year because a parade's in town. And I'll use it for my Thursday, 8 am, organic chemistry labs next semester. I have the self-control. I know not to make it a daily thing, because food has to come first.
So do you think I can say that I overcame a legitimate addiction? I sure thought like an addict before and during my use, but I used for such a short time and quitting was so quick and easy. Does it count?
