Sometimes I look back...
And what I see is what I despise about myself
Sometimes I Look back...
And what I see is what I love about myself
My reality is subjective to my circumstance. It's subjective the the people I let influence me and the people I influence. The paths I take and the short-cuts I don't take. For me at least when I look back upon certain things it's hard to stay completely focused. A certain over-all jaded sense seems to loom over my past mistakes and the choices I wouldn't brag about (if you understand).
I think this jaded feeling is to make myself feel better. Because there is no place I can go and there is no place I can hide from the things I have already done. They are done, they are set in stone and can never be done again differently. I cannot go back and I cannot do it again. Perhaps I can ammend certain things or partially fix them but just as the human body scars, so does those things you need to 'fix'.
Everytime I get to thinking I look back. Or I look forward. Forward is too complicated (too many ifs that wil be solved at a later date) so I tend to look back. I see the faces of those whom I have met and that have changed me or taught me or who are just *there*--imprinted into my memory. In the past is where I hide, where I try to solve my problems. Maybe I neglect the present sometimes. Maybe I withdraw too far and for too long into that already painted picture, trying to change something that cannot be changed. And I know this. And I know it cannot be changed yet it still hurts.
If you have a splinter deep enough in your skin you cannot get it out with your fingers, yet you'll still push at it and pinch at it and eventually...
and I look back
and I see her face
I can feel her tears
I can hear her laugh
still to this day, because I never got to say goodbye I cannot let go. Finality is necessity to things which are of an importance.
Then The Thoughts Change
My Grandmother
I couldn't go to a family members funeral this weekend, because I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. My mom just asked "do you want to go" and it echos in my mind what I said
"I can't. Not even yet. I couldn't... not even after so long"
5 years? 6, 7, 8 years? How long has it been since she died? I don't remember the year but I remember that it was during this time of the year. and I remember not crying. I remember watching my cousin who was a hardened military type person. His face was stern and hard. I stared at him for his strength. I was young, I didn't have any strength of my own. Tears started to fall from his eyes, his jaws clenched, his breathing accelerated. His face distorted from strength to pain to distress to helplessness. He fell into his sister's chest and cried horrible tears of loss. He fell apart.
What was this?
Why was everyone crying?
Everyone is crying...
Except for me.
Are they crying because they know their time is soon as well? That they will someday let everyone around them down by passing on? No, that is selfish and hollow.
They cry because they are in pain.
Their hearts are broken
Their minds are numb
their hands are cold.
... ... ...
my face was wet...
what is this in my stomach?
SOMEONE HELP!
THERE IS SOMETHING PUSHING IT'S WAY OUT
there is a pain that burns within...
my chest burns and then colapses over and over
a small noise comes out of my mouth. disassociation.
it wimpers like a weak animal
there is a pain that burns within...
i fall into my lap where it's dark and she flashes into my mind.
My Grandmother.
my jaws clech up and my body gives up and it all comes out. A chours of hurt and release. I LOVE YOU. I MISS YOU.
Just to say it one more time. To feel her warmth one more time. To be yelled at by her one more time for not washing my plate. To smell her perfume on her skin to see her with her hair done, ready to go out. To see her one more time... to feel her warmth
there is a pain that burns within.
the most desperate place that I have ever been
an emptiness that I try to hide
it claws it's way through from the other side.
------------------
_________ ___________
| || || || ||Pyro| || |
______________________
And what I see is what I despise about myself
Sometimes I Look back...
And what I see is what I love about myself
My reality is subjective to my circumstance. It's subjective the the people I let influence me and the people I influence. The paths I take and the short-cuts I don't take. For me at least when I look back upon certain things it's hard to stay completely focused. A certain over-all jaded sense seems to loom over my past mistakes and the choices I wouldn't brag about (if you understand).
I think this jaded feeling is to make myself feel better. Because there is no place I can go and there is no place I can hide from the things I have already done. They are done, they are set in stone and can never be done again differently. I cannot go back and I cannot do it again. Perhaps I can ammend certain things or partially fix them but just as the human body scars, so does those things you need to 'fix'.
Everytime I get to thinking I look back. Or I look forward. Forward is too complicated (too many ifs that wil be solved at a later date) so I tend to look back. I see the faces of those whom I have met and that have changed me or taught me or who are just *there*--imprinted into my memory. In the past is where I hide, where I try to solve my problems. Maybe I neglect the present sometimes. Maybe I withdraw too far and for too long into that already painted picture, trying to change something that cannot be changed. And I know this. And I know it cannot be changed yet it still hurts.
If you have a splinter deep enough in your skin you cannot get it out with your fingers, yet you'll still push at it and pinch at it and eventually...
and I look back
and I see her face
I can feel her tears
I can hear her laugh
still to this day, because I never got to say goodbye I cannot let go. Finality is necessity to things which are of an importance.
Then The Thoughts Change
My Grandmother
I couldn't go to a family members funeral this weekend, because I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. My mom just asked "do you want to go" and it echos in my mind what I said
"I can't. Not even yet. I couldn't... not even after so long"
5 years? 6, 7, 8 years? How long has it been since she died? I don't remember the year but I remember that it was during this time of the year. and I remember not crying. I remember watching my cousin who was a hardened military type person. His face was stern and hard. I stared at him for his strength. I was young, I didn't have any strength of my own. Tears started to fall from his eyes, his jaws clenched, his breathing accelerated. His face distorted from strength to pain to distress to helplessness. He fell into his sister's chest and cried horrible tears of loss. He fell apart.
What was this?
Why was everyone crying?
Everyone is crying...
Except for me.
Are they crying because they know their time is soon as well? That they will someday let everyone around them down by passing on? No, that is selfish and hollow.
They cry because they are in pain.
Their hearts are broken
Their minds are numb
their hands are cold.
... ... ...
my face was wet...
what is this in my stomach?
SOMEONE HELP!
THERE IS SOMETHING PUSHING IT'S WAY OUT
there is a pain that burns within...
my chest burns and then colapses over and over
a small noise comes out of my mouth. disassociation.
it wimpers like a weak animal
there is a pain that burns within...
i fall into my lap where it's dark and she flashes into my mind.
My Grandmother.
my jaws clech up and my body gives up and it all comes out. A chours of hurt and release. I LOVE YOU. I MISS YOU.
Just to say it one more time. To feel her warmth one more time. To be yelled at by her one more time for not washing my plate. To smell her perfume on her skin to see her with her hair done, ready to go out. To see her one more time... to feel her warmth
there is a pain that burns within.
the most desperate place that I have ever been
an emptiness that I try to hide
it claws it's way through from the other side.
------------------
_________ ___________
| || || || ||Pyro| || |
______________________
