Advice Telling a new romantic partner that you’re a recovering addict

[Sweet Jane78]

So in my last relationship we used together. Now that we’re no longer together I’m thinking about relationships I’ll have in the future.
I’m interested in your thoughts and experiences with this. Did you tell them? How long did you wait to tell them? What was your approach with bringing it up? How did they react?

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I didn't tell my boyfriend (current fiancé) that I'm a heroin user. Early on in the relationship it was clear by several remarks he made about drugs and drug users that he wouldn't ever consider anything more than a casual fuck with anyone he'd regard as a 'junkie'. I dropped a few remarks of my own hinting at my more liberal stance towards using just to test the waters, and the reaction was... not good. Xd

I'd also by that time already started to have serious feelings for him and wanted to keep him at any price ; I also didn't want to stop using. Sooner or later I'd have to inevitably fess up of course, preferably BEFORE he'd walk in on me one day.
I managed to lead a double life for the first four years we were in the relationship, because actually physically being together involved an intercontinental flight and I could only see him for one month each year (the time of his annual holiday). It was easy enough during this period to stop using in time for any telltale marks to heal and then resume use on returning home.

Well long story short it all blew up in 2019 when the fact just sort of slipped out during a phone conversation where I was slightly drunk and not guarding my tongue as well as I should have done. By that time though he'd already been guessing - in his own words, because I'd made one too many flippant joke about drugs "of the sort that only the junkie types make". Despite that he was devastated to have the confirmation out of my own mouth and he threatened to call off the relationship. There was never ending drama over the next two years, the low point was probably when I made him have a breakdown at work when I'd been using far too much and was basically overdosing while on the phone with him. (Fortunately remained conscious enough for long enough to follow his prompt to use my antidote, so I narcan'd myself then took a taxi to the local hospital.)

He still feels betrayed and like I basically tricked him into getting a relationship with me under false pretenses, which I can't argue with as it's true.
Right as of now I'm not using at all because I've been set an ultimatum. Which is also not a point you want to get to ideally. So yeah, total honesty right from the get-go is best. That's if you're looking to get into anything long-term and serious.

 

[Foreigner]

I'm not an addict but I've been in long-term relationships with recovered addicts. There were two. In one, he didn't tell me he was an addict until he relapsed, which was 8 months in. I thought it was something brand new but then he admitted it was a long-term problem. I felt so betrayed. He concealed such a huge and important part of his life from me out of shame. His addiction spiraled quickly and that ended the relationship, so I fortunately didn't have to make a very difficult decision. The last time I saw him he was at a gay bar trying to setup an orgy with 5 guys he met there, while doing coke with one of them in the bathroom. I really dodged a bullet.

My last bf was an addict and he was up front about it from day one. He told me about all of his supports to prevent relapse, including support groups, counselling, and that his whole social community knew about it. He told me his time line, told me his risk factors and triggers. I very much appreciated it and I would recommend going with this approach. Transparency is essential. It's a sensitive topic but if you demonstrate that you're on top of things, it will ease a lot of pressure.

Unfortunately, in my second example, he greatly overestimated his "recovered" status. He told me he was in the clear when he was still in active addiction but suppressing it in order to get control of his life, and he was only able to control himself for the first 3-4 months we were together until he couldn't take it anymore and entered active addiction. Basically, he tried to put a lid on it in order to get with me, and then it exploded. He was a narcissist on top of it so he blamed the relapse on our relationship, even though I was innocent. So... I think in addition to sharing your strategies to support yourself, you also have to be very real with the person about the possibility of relapse and whether or not it's about to happen or not. Just how "recovered" are you and how easily could you be triggered into active status again?

So... you have to be transparent, but how transparent you are able to be depends on how honest you are with yourself. If you are lying to yourself or are in denial about anything, then you are going to fail disclose information that the person you're seeing probably should know about.

On the flipside of all that, if someone won't give you a chance because you're an addict, then they aren't right for you. I personally need a break from dating addicts because of my history, but there are people out there who would be willing. If I were your person of interest, I would appreciate knowing you are an addict so that I could kindly decline because getting involved in all that right now would probably give me a nervous breakdown.

 

[Eligiu]

I refuse to use the label addict to be applied to me. I have suffered from severe addictions in my life with periods of uncontrolled use but I am not an addict who has zero self control over substances. I control my use. I view the 'no control' explanation as a cop out. It absolves people of the responsibility and reality that they made the choices to use drugs and in almost all situations nobody forced them to consume the substances. In my experience just as I made the choices to use, I also made the choice to quit. That proves it is a choice. So the addict label doesn't sit well with me because I believe in owning the fact that it was your actions that resulted in those consequences and I view it as pretty childish to pretend otherwise.

Because of this, I'm pretty open about my use, especially as I'm currently still using. I am very honest about my use in general though and if anyone but my parents asks if I'm high they'll get the truthful answer. Hell, I'll tell them exactly when I used and how much too. I'll tell them anything they want to know. I'm painfully honest about this and it's the actual reason why my many in real life friends totally tolerate having a mate who regularly injects meth on a routine basis in their life. Doesn't much bother them.

In the past, I was always doing a lot of outpatient rehab, particularly in 2017-2019. 3 days a week 2.5 hours a day. So naturally, there needed to be an explanation for my time being occupied constantly. I elected to tell people. I'd break the ice by revealing I had a drug problem, then based on that response I'd ease my way into disclosing the IV meth and heroin use. One partner actually fucked me over and spilled the information to her best mate, and at my lacrosse party night I was drinking a beer and the friend asked 'should you be drinking that?' and I was like 'hang on, why are you asking me that question' so the next day I confronted my then partner and asked why her friend would question me like that and she admitted she told them because she 'couldnt handle the information herself'. She had literally requested I open up more to her or she would break it off not one week before I told her. So I asked her if she had told the friend any other personal and sensitive information about myself. She reluctantly admitted she also disclosed me being trans. I furiously told her that I was immensely pissed off and didn't want to speak to her for a week because she had literally made my first impression to her best friend as being a tranny meth and heroin junky. Fucking wonderful.

Another time I didn't actually disclose it very early, but realised it would become necessary due to being on maintenance therapy every day and needing to collect that from the chemist each morning. So eventually she would ask for some explanation as to why I always needed to go there. Also, she told me at one stage that her dad died of a heroin overdose so I felt an obligation to allow her to break it off if they was an issue.

To be frank, if I was abstinent and very comfortably so I wouldn't tell a partner about my previous substance use. Because I don't use the addict label I don't view addiction as something which permanently follows me around. After 5ish years of abstinence I'd be done and recovered, I'd still need to be vigilant but lord I would not still be obsessing over this and making it my main personality trait. They don't need to know I had a prior substance use disorder, maybe I just find the taste of alcohol unpleasant, maybe I had alcoholic parents and don't drink. Even if they don't like 'addicts' they wouldn't be dating one because the addiction wouldn't exist. It was a temporary thing.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

I didn't tell my boyfriend (current fiancé) that I'm a heroin user. Early on in the relationship it was clear by several remarks he made about drugs and drug users that he wouldn't ever consider anything more than a casual fuck with anyone he'd regard as a 'junkie'. I dropped a few remarks of my own hinting at my more liberal stance towards using just to test the waters, and the reaction was... not good. Xd

I'd also by that time already started to have serious feelings for him and wanted to keep him at any price ; I also didn't want to stop using. Sooner or later I'd have to inevitably fess up of course, preferably BEFORE he'd walk in on me one day.
I managed to lead a double life for the first four years we were in the relationship, because actually physically being together involved an intercontinental flight and I could only see him for one month each year (the time of his annual holiday). It was easy enough during this period to stop using in time for any telltale marks to heal and then resume use on returning home.

Well long story short it all blew up in 2019 when the fact just sort of slipped out during a phone conversation where I was slightly drunk and not guarding my tongue as well as I should have done. By that time though he'd already been guessing - in his own words, because I'd made one too many flippant joke about drugs "of the sort that only the junkie types make". Despite that he was devastated to have the confirmation out of my own mouth and he threatened to call off the relationship. There was never ending drama over the next two years, the low point was probably when I made him have a breakdown at work when I'd been using far too much and was basically overdosing while on the phone with him. (Fortunately remained conscious enough for long enough to follow his prompt to use my antidote, so I narcan'd myself then took a taxi to the local hospital.)

He still feels betrayed and like I basically tricked him into getting a relationship with me under false pretenses, which I can't argue with as it's true.
Right as of now I'm not using at all because I've been set an ultimatum. Which is also not a point you want to get to ideally. So yeah, total honesty right from the get-go is best. That's if you're looking to get into anything long-term and serious.

Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. Quite a bumpy road you’ve had. Do you want to stop using or are you abstaining just because of the ultimatum? In the agreement did you discuss the reality of a relapse? If you show him you’re making an effort and then relapse down the road will that be the end of you guys?

Yeah, it’s a tough one because if I wait until I start having feelings for someone and then tell them I’m totally afraid they’d want nothing to do with me.
If were to have a redo do you have any idea how soon you would have told him? I have no idea. Tell them on the first date so as not to waste any time?
I developed my drug habit about 11 years ago when my boyfriend introduced it to me. I had never even heard of meth.We just recently broke up and now I’m thinking no one will ever want to be with me if I tell them.
I really hope it works out for you guys!

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I'm only abstaining because I don't wanna jeopardise the relationship and yeah, that's fishing for trouble down the road.

Thing is by the time I met him I'd already gone from addicted user back to recreational user. Like 1 to 2 x weekly, as opposed to 4 on average and up to 8 x daily. But even that wasn't good enough due to his total (and sadly very well founded) antipathy towards drug users.
I promised him an absolute but I know I'll be using again some day so it will be a question of can I conceal it, or will he be prepared to handle it. I don't know where we go from there..

PS lie as much as you need for a fling. Be upfront from the start if you want to get serious. Don't make my mistake of having someone who was willing to give you everything feel like you just screwed them around all along.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

I refuse to use the label addict to be applied to me. I have suffered from severe addictions in my life with periods of uncontrolled use but I am not an addict who has zero self control over substances. I control my use. I view the 'no control' explanation as a cop out. It absolves people of the responsibility and reality that they made the choices to use drugs and in almost all situations nobody forced them to consume the substances. In my experience just as I made the choices to use, I also made the choice to quit. That proves it is a choice. So the addict label doesn't sit well with me because I believe in owning the fact that it was your actions that resulted in those consequences and I view it as pretty childish to pretend otherwise.

Because of this, I'm pretty open about my use, especially as I'm currently still using. I am very honest about my use in general though and if anyone but my parents asks if I'm high they'll get the truthful answer. Hell, I'll tell them exactly when I used and how much too. I'll tell them anything they want to know. I'm painfully honest about this and it's the actual reason why my many in real life friends totally tolerate having a mate who regularly injects meth on a routine basis in their life. Doesn't much bother them.

In the past, I was always doing a lot of outpatient rehab, particularly in 2017-2019. 3 days a week 2.5 hours a day. So naturally, there needed to be an explanation for my time being occupied constantly. I elected to tell people. I'd break the ice by revealing I had a drug problem, then based on that response I'd ease my way into disclosing the IV meth and heroin use. One partner actually fucked me over and spilled the information to her best mate, and at my lacrosse party night I was drinking a beer and the friend asked 'should you be drinking that?' and I was like 'hang on, why are you asking me that question' so the next day I confronted my then partner and asked why her friend would question me like that and she admitted she told them because she 'couldnt handle the information herself'. She had literally requested I open up more to her or she would break it off not one week before I told her. So I asked her if she had told the friend any other personal and sensitive information about myself. She reluctantly admitted she also disclosed me being trans. I furiously told her that I was immensely pissed off and didn't want to speak to her for a week because she had literally made my first impression to her best friend as being a tranny meth and heroin junky. Fucking wonderful.

Another time I didn't actually disclose it very early, but realised it would become necessary due to being on maintenance therapy every day and needing to collect that from the chemist each morning. So eventually she would ask for some explanation as to why I always needed to go there. Also, she told me at one stage that her dad died of a heroin overdose so I felt an obligation to allow her to break it off if they was an issue.

To be frank, if I was abstinent and very comfortably so I wouldn't tell a partner about my previous substance use. Because I don't use the addict label I don't view addiction as something which permanently follows me around. After 5ish years of abstinence I'd be done and recovered, I'd still need to be vigilant but lord I would not still be obsessing over this and making it my main personality trait. They don't need to know I had a prior substance use disorder, maybe I just find the taste of alcohol unpleasant, maybe I had alcoholic parents and don't drink. Even if they don't like 'addicts' they wouldn't be dating one because the addiction wouldn't exist. It was a temporary thing.

Thanks for sharing. I see what you’re saying about not wanting to label yourself as an addict.Down the road, with a considerable amount of time not using I think I’d probably skip the label, too.I’ve spent the most time in NA recovery groups so I guess I just picked up their terminology. I am interested in exploring other recovery programs, though.
That’s shitty what happened with the first girl. I can understand her feeling like she needed to talk to her best friend about it. The friend really fucked up and should have kept it to herself and stayed out of it. So what ended up happening with the relationship?
How did the second girl react to you telling her? Did she stick around?
I appreciate your perspective.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

I'm only abstaining because I don't wanna jeopardise the relationship and yeah, that's fishing for trouble down the road.

Thing is by the time I met him I'd already gone from addicted user back to recreational user. Like 1 to 2 x weekly, as opposed to 4 on average and up to 8 x daily. But even that wasn't good enough due to his total (and sadly very well founded) antipathy towards drug users.
I promised him an absolute but I know I'll be using again some day so it will be a question of can I conceal it, or will he be prepared to handle it. I don't know where we go from there..

PS lie as much as you need for a fling. Be upfront from the start if you want to get serious. Don't make my mistake of having someone who was willing to give you everything feel like you just screwed them around all along.

Oh, I see. So are you in a recovery program now?

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Oh, I see. So are you in a recovery program now?

Nope. I'm just not using.
I decided that for myself.

 

[Dreamflyer]

I'm dreading this. I haven't been in a relationship since I became addicted to opioids, but I've always believed in full disclosure and honesty, so if it became serious then I would probably do it.

Things like addiction and mental illness are so commonly talked about these days that I don't think there's as much of a stigma as there used to be.

And if they can't accept the truth, then they're not the one for you.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Im not trying to get in to a relationship right now but I generally tell people straight away, I don’t drink so the discussion tends to come up. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who had an issue with it, and lying only leads to issues anyway as what other people have posted confirms.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I refuse to use the label addict to be applied to me. I have suffered from severe addictions in my life with periods of uncontrolled use but I am not an addict who has zero self control over substances. I control my use. I view the 'no control' explanation as a cop out. It absolves people of the responsibility and reality that they made the choices to use drugs and in almost all situations nobody forced them to consume the substances. In my experience just as I made the choices to use, I also made the choice to quit. That proves it is a choice.

It doesn’t absolve people of any responsibility.

If you can control your use then clearly you are not an addict are you, it doesn’t surprise me to hear that you’re unable to comprehend that people might have a different experience to you.

You ‘made a choice to quit’….but you’re still injecting meth….ok

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Tbh take back that laugh, denial is a terrible thing I just feel bad for you.

 

[crazyhairman]

Oh they know about me.

 

[Neuroborean]

I think it's more important to act/behave as a recovering addict than telling this or that...
if you're really recovering, then you're not exactly an active addict, but someone who is erasing that part of themselves.