NeverSummer420
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2015
- Messages
- 5
Hi-
I've had a pretty un-depressing life for the most part. Sure there's been bouts, usually caused by grief from one of the many friends I've had who have left this world sooner than I hoped and wished. But I would always move on. I always had an excitement for the unknown and true joy at new experiences, almost in a fearless but not self harming sense. I just liked to learn and experience. As time passed I ended up getting hooked on prescribed pain killers which lead me down a road that changed my life forever, a road I will never regret going down either.
I ended up homeless after a few years, friendless, family-less, poking needles in my arm and doing atrocious things to get my fix. I ended up surviving an entire brutal winter in Denver, CO completely homeless, but too knew and prideful to go to shelters or ask for help.
Finally help came in the form of my older sister whom I hadn't spoken with in years. She wanted to help, set it up before hand, and then asked me to meet for coffee. I obliged in hopes could at least score some cash off her. But it turns out she knew what I had been doing b/c she had hired a PI to find me. I was just always one step ahead, but he had info that I didn't think was available, so I believed her.
She asked me to get help and all I had to do was say yes and the rest was set up. I remember drinking this frozen mango smoothie she bought me and froze for a moment of time at the thought. I had already condemned myself to this life and a premature death from freezing, dehydration, or more likely overdose as my favorite was this great powder heroin and some really good coke. I had many close times. But I digress.
So there I am, frozen at her offer, I break out of it, look up at her for the first time and just utter the word Yes.
The next day I was on a plane to rehab in Cali. I spent 4 months in that damn place, and then started building my life. It was amazing. After 2 years I finally got to speak with my parents who had all be given up on me. I had met some great people, a girlfriend, job, car, but much more important than anything tangible, I had this peace and serenity that gives me chills just to think about as I write. Some people thought I was crazy, but those who knew me knew the truth. I became grateful, grateful for everything "good" or "bad".
It ultimately turned into pure unconditional acceptance with the complete removal of any expectation from my life. My close friends thought it would be a phase, but after 2 years they started asking me what I had done. I hadn't done anything really, I just realized that expectations were literally destroying me inside, they cause stress, anxiety, worry, fear and so much more. When I was able, I made a conscious decision to let them go, all of them and to unconditionally accept everything just the way it was. That night I went to bed, slept better than I had in years, and woke up feeling refreshed and truly at peace.
I continued this practice. I would still do normal things, but I no longer had any desired results from any of it (expectations) and I cannot come close to explaining the peace and serenity that had become me. It wasn't in me, it was me. And everyone I was around could feel and sense it. I would share what I could, but what I did overnight was not easy and after 2 years I realized that I really had no normal emotions.
I was happy and nice, but it was different. Then something tragic happened and I felt nothing. No sadness like the past 12 friends I had laid to rest. It scared me a bit, and so I imagined the worse thing I could in meditation, and used as many details as possible to make it seem utterly real, terrifying, and painful: The death of my entire family on a plane crash. And I felt nothing. I would miss them, but I knew I would she no tears. At that moment I stopped being this all accepting being and slowly entered the realm of the "normal" and began to feel my emotions again.
I can't tell you if it's good or bad what I went through, but I can tell you now, after 5 years and having the love of my life leave me 4 months ago, out of the blue, with no explanation that I have never felt so mentally miserable as I do now.
I meditate, I exercise (or try to), I try to eat health (but that's hard cause my appetite is gone). One problem I know that is affecting me is that I have no real friends, where nearly my entire life I had at least 1 or 2 "best friends" and many more good friends. When I met this love of my life I had just moved to town and she and I were attracted like really powerful magnets. We spent two years living our lives together, started a business, went on some fun trips, and made plans to buy a place and save our money instead of renting where next year we would sell and use that money to travel the world.
My heart and ego were crushed. I've spoken with her, but she still can't explain why she left. I spent the next day after she left finding myself with a big bag of heroin and a high I had forgotten existed. After 5 years clean and free from that flower sap I autonomously when and got some and did it. That lasted a few months until I had enough and started the process of quitting with subutex. It took a few tries, but I can honestly and happily say it's now been 3 months or more since I've put an opioid in my body, including subutex. I weened off of it quickly because I know how hard it is to kick when on maintenance.
But I'm still terribly depressed, anxious, and just found out I also suffer from panic attacks plus some form of ADHD or lethargy. Things I've never had before in my almost 35 years of life. It has to be with her. I don't know how to handle it. I've searched far and wide for any other resentment I may have and have made amends for each one except her. I don't know if I can. I feel like she threw me away like a piece of trash and I would've literally figured out how to empty the entire pacific ocean if she asked and it would make her happy.
It wasn't just a physical relationship, we were connected on so many levels that after 6 previous serious long term relationships I now realize that I've never actually loved anyone but her.
So I've been working on fixing this for 5 or more months on my own, with no support system aside from random conversations with strangers on the net. I distract my self with work. As of last week I decided to try something new: professional mental health treatment.
I've met with a therapist 2 times already, thought we didn't get anywhere as she needed my story and background, and I have an appointment in 7 hours with a psychiatrist who I have been spending my free-time studying and understand as much as possible about their profession.
I'm not looking for long term meds, but perhaps something short term might help if it's suggested. I just have a hard time with the anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, and complete lack of energy each day combined with a complete lack of motivation.
I haven't cleaned my place once since she left. I don't know how and that's very atypical of me. So I'm excited to go through this experience and hope I make it out the other side I a better man (expectation) but I've run out of options.
I've had a pretty un-depressing life for the most part. Sure there's been bouts, usually caused by grief from one of the many friends I've had who have left this world sooner than I hoped and wished. But I would always move on. I always had an excitement for the unknown and true joy at new experiences, almost in a fearless but not self harming sense. I just liked to learn and experience. As time passed I ended up getting hooked on prescribed pain killers which lead me down a road that changed my life forever, a road I will never regret going down either.
I ended up homeless after a few years, friendless, family-less, poking needles in my arm and doing atrocious things to get my fix. I ended up surviving an entire brutal winter in Denver, CO completely homeless, but too knew and prideful to go to shelters or ask for help.
Finally help came in the form of my older sister whom I hadn't spoken with in years. She wanted to help, set it up before hand, and then asked me to meet for coffee. I obliged in hopes could at least score some cash off her. But it turns out she knew what I had been doing b/c she had hired a PI to find me. I was just always one step ahead, but he had info that I didn't think was available, so I believed her.
She asked me to get help and all I had to do was say yes and the rest was set up. I remember drinking this frozen mango smoothie she bought me and froze for a moment of time at the thought. I had already condemned myself to this life and a premature death from freezing, dehydration, or more likely overdose as my favorite was this great powder heroin and some really good coke. I had many close times. But I digress.
So there I am, frozen at her offer, I break out of it, look up at her for the first time and just utter the word Yes.
The next day I was on a plane to rehab in Cali. I spent 4 months in that damn place, and then started building my life. It was amazing. After 2 years I finally got to speak with my parents who had all be given up on me. I had met some great people, a girlfriend, job, car, but much more important than anything tangible, I had this peace and serenity that gives me chills just to think about as I write. Some people thought I was crazy, but those who knew me knew the truth. I became grateful, grateful for everything "good" or "bad".
It ultimately turned into pure unconditional acceptance with the complete removal of any expectation from my life. My close friends thought it would be a phase, but after 2 years they started asking me what I had done. I hadn't done anything really, I just realized that expectations were literally destroying me inside, they cause stress, anxiety, worry, fear and so much more. When I was able, I made a conscious decision to let them go, all of them and to unconditionally accept everything just the way it was. That night I went to bed, slept better than I had in years, and woke up feeling refreshed and truly at peace.
I continued this practice. I would still do normal things, but I no longer had any desired results from any of it (expectations) and I cannot come close to explaining the peace and serenity that had become me. It wasn't in me, it was me. And everyone I was around could feel and sense it. I would share what I could, but what I did overnight was not easy and after 2 years I realized that I really had no normal emotions.
I was happy and nice, but it was different. Then something tragic happened and I felt nothing. No sadness like the past 12 friends I had laid to rest. It scared me a bit, and so I imagined the worse thing I could in meditation, and used as many details as possible to make it seem utterly real, terrifying, and painful: The death of my entire family on a plane crash. And I felt nothing. I would miss them, but I knew I would she no tears. At that moment I stopped being this all accepting being and slowly entered the realm of the "normal" and began to feel my emotions again.
I can't tell you if it's good or bad what I went through, but I can tell you now, after 5 years and having the love of my life leave me 4 months ago, out of the blue, with no explanation that I have never felt so mentally miserable as I do now.
I meditate, I exercise (or try to), I try to eat health (but that's hard cause my appetite is gone). One problem I know that is affecting me is that I have no real friends, where nearly my entire life I had at least 1 or 2 "best friends" and many more good friends. When I met this love of my life I had just moved to town and she and I were attracted like really powerful magnets. We spent two years living our lives together, started a business, went on some fun trips, and made plans to buy a place and save our money instead of renting where next year we would sell and use that money to travel the world.
My heart and ego were crushed. I've spoken with her, but she still can't explain why she left. I spent the next day after she left finding myself with a big bag of heroin and a high I had forgotten existed. After 5 years clean and free from that flower sap I autonomously when and got some and did it. That lasted a few months until I had enough and started the process of quitting with subutex. It took a few tries, but I can honestly and happily say it's now been 3 months or more since I've put an opioid in my body, including subutex. I weened off of it quickly because I know how hard it is to kick when on maintenance.
But I'm still terribly depressed, anxious, and just found out I also suffer from panic attacks plus some form of ADHD or lethargy. Things I've never had before in my almost 35 years of life. It has to be with her. I don't know how to handle it. I've searched far and wide for any other resentment I may have and have made amends for each one except her. I don't know if I can. I feel like she threw me away like a piece of trash and I would've literally figured out how to empty the entire pacific ocean if she asked and it would make her happy.
It wasn't just a physical relationship, we were connected on so many levels that after 6 previous serious long term relationships I now realize that I've never actually loved anyone but her.
So I've been working on fixing this for 5 or more months on my own, with no support system aside from random conversations with strangers on the net. I distract my self with work. As of last week I decided to try something new: professional mental health treatment.
I've met with a therapist 2 times already, thought we didn't get anywhere as she needed my story and background, and I have an appointment in 7 hours with a psychiatrist who I have been spending my free-time studying and understand as much as possible about their profession.
I'm not looking for long term meds, but perhaps something short term might help if it's suggested. I just have a hard time with the anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, and complete lack of energy each day combined with a complete lack of motivation.
I haven't cleaned my place once since she left. I don't know how and that's very atypical of me. So I'm excited to go through this experience and hope I make it out the other side I a better man (expectation) but I've run out of options.
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