Lizardfina
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2018
- Messages
- 9
Hello! This will be a long report of a ~week-long psychedelic binge. I had two weeks off from work mid August, and my only goal was "trip as much as possible". It began with some amazing experiences, and ended with a horrible anxiety experience, and I hope this will encourage some people to make smarter choices than I did ^^; I have no ill-will towards psychedelics, by the way. I still love them, and understand that it was my own fault, and fully intend to keep working with them. I received some very clear messages and lessons which I chose to disregard. That's entirely on me, not the fault of a drug. Sorry, but I've seen a lot of people swear off psychedelics and proclaim them to be "evil" after having a nightmare trip, but I don't buy that. I don't even really believe in bad trips -- mostly... what most people refer to as bad trips are actually just darker trips, or "negative" emotions like sadness or fear. Those end up being the most rewarding when you face and work through whatever thing it is you don't want to face. People call these bad trips because they're expecting psychedelics to be pure sunshine and rainbows all the time.
But I *do* now fully appreciate the importance of set and setting. Sometimes, there is no dark trip to be embraced, just sheer anxiety and terror because you've overworked your brain and you're not physically capable of engaging in any sort of trip. Try to avoid that, lol
Here's a rough outline of how things progressed:
Wednesday, August 8th:
Tried DMT for the first time, under guidance, with Syrian Rue. Not sure how much Syrian Rue was consumed. I did not break through, as my lungs are terrible and I could not inhale as much or hold it as long as recommended. Funnily enough, although I have not smoked crack in ~10 years and can't even remember what it tastes like, all I could think from the first exhale was "oh my god, it tastes exactly the same." This ended up being an invaluable experience. I feel like I maybe broke some mental associations, and was very, very happy to note that this did not trigger cravings or using dreams or anything like that.
I look forward to trying DMT again some day in the future when I eventually quit smoking.
Thursday:
I take 200ug 1P-LSD around 2:30pm. There is not much noticeable visual change, but the body high is insane and I just lie in bed for hours. At around 10:30pm, I'm not feeling very much anymore, and I take 50mg of 4-aco-dmt. Yes, that is a lot. I have taken that much before with tolerance, and having heard that cross tolerance from 1p-lsd kicks in fairly quickly, I didn't think this would be a strong dose. For reference, the closest I've come to ego death was on a 75mg dose which I had tried to convert to psilocin. Most of the time, doses in the 35-40mg range (with maybe a week between doses) produce mild visuals and ego-confusion which can be very enjoyable in the right set/setting.
So I was very surprised when the trip crashed into me in the blink of an eye. Visuals were *insane*. Every surface was spiraling, trying to read anything on my phone made it look like a laser light show coming out of my screen (sparkles and rainbows), anxiety started to rise because I wasn't expecting this, paint stains on a wood grain wall started to look like evil faces.... So I closed my eyes, talked myself through it and suddenly everything felt better. Those evil paint stain faces apologized for scaring me and I knew everything would be fine. I got a very, very clear message that I needed to put down my phone because distracting myself from this trip would only make things feel unpleasant. I needed to be part of what was happening. That occurred in maybe a minute or less.
I was smoking a bowl of weed, btw. Yes, I am aware marijuana intensifies a trip. I typically enjoy that quite a lot, and I enjoyed it this time, as well. I couldn't finish the bowl, though, because every time I inhaled, I swear I was hit by a super strong wave of psychedelia that would completely take me out of my surroundings to who knows where. I was aware during those moments, but as I'd come back to "reality" I'd very quickly lose my train of thought and completely forget what I had been experiencing. I came out of a lot of those moments giggling and obviously enjoying myself, but at least once there was fear.
At around 12:45am, I was still being rocked by these intense waves, and I started feeling really hot. I gave in to a little bit of anxiety and started seriously considering that somehow I was developing hyperthermia and was going to suffer some serious health consequence as a result. I washed my face and had some water and kicked myself for thinking that.
The next day I was in awe of that experience and really wanted to recreate it (mistake number 1 -- getting fixated on the idea of recreating a trip, or chasing a certain experience). I wasn't sure if the 4-aco-dmt was potentiated by the Syrian Rue, or the 1P-LSD, but I was researching like crazy trying to figure out how to get visuals that come on that quickly and intensely all the time. Be careful what you wish for. I got exactly what I asked for the next week, but it was not what I wanted.
Friday:
45mg + 35mg + 40mg (+?) 4-aco-dmt
Basically, the first dose isn't as strong as I want, so I take more, it's still not strong enough, so I take more, etc. I'm pretty sure I only took three doses. It does get close to a level I want near the end, but I find redosing 4-aco-dmt makes the unpleasant side effects (impaired motor skills, e.g. drunkenness) more pronounced. Still, there's a nice moment near the end where I start to think I actually can control the physical effects of my trip and I sit there sending waves of pleasure through my head by concentrating on remembering what it feels like until it happens. Yeah, it was probably just coincidental good timing, but it was interesting ^^;
Saturday:
By Saturday, I'm sure the Syrian Rue has been fully metabolized and it is safe to take MDMA. I have one 110mg dose. As expected, it's a mild but enjoyable experience, although I smoke way too many cigarettes and this makes me feel guilty because I'm thinking about how my takeaway lesson from the DMT experience was how I should work on quitting, and all this tripping is only helping me smoke more.
Sunday:
22mg 2c-e + 25mg 4-aco-dmt
Early in the trip, there are moments that feel really good, and moments where I am made to face some thoughts that I don't really want to face. Mainly that I am using psychedelics entirely the wrong way these days. I feel compelled to stand in the sunshine and it makes things feel better. All I can think at times is "you shouldn?t be tripping this much just for the sake of tripping because you have time off. You should be taking care of yourself. Eat a proper meal, get a decent night of sleep. Work harder for your trips. Put in the personal effort."
Naturally, I don't listen to this advice from myself, and I boost with another 9mg of 2c-e and 25-30mg of 4-aco-dmt. When that last dose of 2c-e finally kicked in, holy hell, it was *rough*. I spent a long hour or more battling horrible nausea as well as ego confusion. I was struggling to maintain a grip on reality because I did NOT want to let go. Everything was overwhelming and I did what I usually do when that happens and stuck my hands under running water to ground myself. I told myself I needed to throw up in order to feel better, but then I'd tell myself that if I threw up I'd lessen the intensity of the trip, and wouldn't it be more rewarding to endure? If I threw up, I'd regret it later. And so on and so on.
Either way, I couldn't throw up. I did eventually try, but it just didn't happen. The nausea remained terrible until it went away on its own. Things were better after the insane peak calmed down, but not by much. 2c-e is just too long, and I'm starting to remember why I used to keep etizolam on hand.
Monday:
This was dumber than dumb, just don't do it. Just no.
Just so you know I'm not entirely insane, these doses were influenced by past patterns. I know most people dose 5-meo-mipt (moxy) in the 5-12mg range, and I agree that is a good range with no tolerance, but I have found that in the past with tolerance, I needed to take 25mg doses for effects similar to 15mg with no tolerance.
25mg + 20mg 5-meo-mipt.
When this dose kicked in, it didn't feel strong enough. I honestly didn't wait very long before taking another 20mg.
And I thought I was overwhelmed during Sunday's 2c-e peak! This was physical hell. When I was feeling overwhelmed, I'd look up bad trip reports from people who overdosed and basically just remind myself to be grateful that at least I was in control and not running naked down a highway. Obviously my tolerance is high enough that I did not lose my mind, but I felt like I was tweaking for six hours, and that felt like the longest six hours of my life due to the time dilation. I was just wishing I could smoke weed to relax, and knowing that it would only make things worse. It was brutal.
I've never freaked out enough to flush my collection, but this experience had me seriously considering tossing everything that wasn't a tryptamine.
Tuesday - Friday
I woke up Tuesday with a terrible cold/fever and basically spend the next few days resting. I was also showing signs of serotonin depletion -- definitely from the MDMA, but I hear the debate is still ongoing about whether or not moxy actually releases serotonin. I can't help but feel like the moxy definitely did a number on my brain.
Saturday, August 18th:
Because my time off work is nearly over, and I regret not being able to enjoy tripping more, I go ahead and take 30mg of 4-aco-dmt (dissolved in water for ~40hours, in an attempt to convert it to psilocin. No colour change occurred) at around 11pm, chased with lemon juice. I also prepare a second 25mg dose of weighed powder in case my solution has degraded and it's not as strong as I want it to be, and I move outside. I am physically and mentally exhausted, and I have never taken a psychedelic under those conditions. As soon as I felt myself coming up, everything was tinged with anxiety. Visuals are a bit stronger than I was expecting from this dose given what I've put myself through over the past week and a half, and I am not able to feel any positive emotions. I remember telling myself not to take the second dose, later. I suspect that because of serotonin depletion, I just don't have the ability to interpret things positively. My brain is unable to feel good, and instead everything feels really bad -- the only other time I have experienced this on a 4-aco-dmt trip was right after taking a lot of methylone, so I'm sticking with this theory.
At 12:45am, the anxious peak is over and I'm able to start enjoying the trip, and *of course* I think "I want more" and I convince myself to take the second dose. It's two hours after the first dose at this point. Waiting this long before redosing has *never* intensified a trip, only lengthened it.
At 1:13am, thinking I have already felt the second dose hit me, I'm smoking weed as usual, and suddenly the fence in front of me starts spiraling in alternating directions wildly and quickly. For the first time ever, I put down the weed because all I know is I *do not* need this to be stronger. Trees in my backyard are flowing at an insanely fast speed --- it looked like branches waving on an extremely windy night, but there was not even the hint of a breeze.
I'm not sure if I was actually close to ego loss, or if I was just terrified that it would happen and convinced myself that strong visuals = you will lose control/consciousness if you close your eyes. Everything felt very fast and I didn't even have time to think, let alone process what was happening rationally. All I knew was the presence of visuals at all was terrifying thanks to the anxiety, and I had made a decision to fight for control and I was going to stay outside. The thought of going back inside the house was terrifying for some reason.
I have no idea why this trip was so strong, although I lean towards being mentally exhausted as one factor (what we see, whether sober or under the influence of a psychedelic, is the brain's interpretation of the signals sent by the eyes, so my simplistic reasoning is that my brain was too tired to process these signals in a predictable way).
I also have no idea whether I was actually on the verge of any sort of ego dissolution or ego death, or if I just had a really bad anxiety attack and *thought* I was going to lose control. It certainly doesn't help that I had spent days reading report after report of people overdosing on nastier (fatal) psychedelic substances. With these reports somewhere on the back of my mind, I'm sure anything approaching ego-death would leave me subconsciously terrified of losing total control of myself and causing massive damage to others and myself. In reality, with 4-aco-dmt, all I'd need is a blanket and a comfortable room and I'd probably be just fine.
I think it's clear that as much as I have loved all of my previous surprise high dose/borderline ego-death trips, I am not even close to ready for ego-death. When those trips happened years ago, I had no idea what ego-death even was. I had no expectations in place, and just went with the experiences. I have never been able to fully let go. I have a strong-willed ego, and I've always managed to stay planted in reality, even on doses that people swear SHOULD have left me no choice in the matter.
I think being someone who thinks I KNOW myself, and someone who hates relinquishing control of my life to others, that knowing what ego-death entails adds a new layer of anxiety to my trips that I was maybe not aware of until now. I might really like the thought of letting go, but ultimately, subconsciously it is terrifying and if I keep haphazardly taking high doses of whatever because I've handled them well before, I am going to keep having experiences like these where all I do is fight myself and the experience.
I'm going to try to refamiliarize myself with what lower doses feel like, and learn to fully appreciate them before continuing to try to push the limits. I don't want to be afraid of stronger experiences, especially when I know firsthand how amazing and rewarding they can be. I'm mostly recovered (still a lingering cold and fatigue), but still have these anxious assumptions that all visuals go hand in hand with ego loss. I still have some slight worry/fear that I won't be able to handle any visuals, but I'm sure this will pass as I get my neurochemistry back into some sort of balance.
But I *do* now fully appreciate the importance of set and setting. Sometimes, there is no dark trip to be embraced, just sheer anxiety and terror because you've overworked your brain and you're not physically capable of engaging in any sort of trip. Try to avoid that, lol
Here's a rough outline of how things progressed:
Wednesday, August 8th:
Tried DMT for the first time, under guidance, with Syrian Rue. Not sure how much Syrian Rue was consumed. I did not break through, as my lungs are terrible and I could not inhale as much or hold it as long as recommended. Funnily enough, although I have not smoked crack in ~10 years and can't even remember what it tastes like, all I could think from the first exhale was "oh my god, it tastes exactly the same." This ended up being an invaluable experience. I feel like I maybe broke some mental associations, and was very, very happy to note that this did not trigger cravings or using dreams or anything like that.
I look forward to trying DMT again some day in the future when I eventually quit smoking.
Thursday:
I take 200ug 1P-LSD around 2:30pm. There is not much noticeable visual change, but the body high is insane and I just lie in bed for hours. At around 10:30pm, I'm not feeling very much anymore, and I take 50mg of 4-aco-dmt. Yes, that is a lot. I have taken that much before with tolerance, and having heard that cross tolerance from 1p-lsd kicks in fairly quickly, I didn't think this would be a strong dose. For reference, the closest I've come to ego death was on a 75mg dose which I had tried to convert to psilocin. Most of the time, doses in the 35-40mg range (with maybe a week between doses) produce mild visuals and ego-confusion which can be very enjoyable in the right set/setting.
So I was very surprised when the trip crashed into me in the blink of an eye. Visuals were *insane*. Every surface was spiraling, trying to read anything on my phone made it look like a laser light show coming out of my screen (sparkles and rainbows), anxiety started to rise because I wasn't expecting this, paint stains on a wood grain wall started to look like evil faces.... So I closed my eyes, talked myself through it and suddenly everything felt better. Those evil paint stain faces apologized for scaring me and I knew everything would be fine. I got a very, very clear message that I needed to put down my phone because distracting myself from this trip would only make things feel unpleasant. I needed to be part of what was happening. That occurred in maybe a minute or less.
I was smoking a bowl of weed, btw. Yes, I am aware marijuana intensifies a trip. I typically enjoy that quite a lot, and I enjoyed it this time, as well. I couldn't finish the bowl, though, because every time I inhaled, I swear I was hit by a super strong wave of psychedelia that would completely take me out of my surroundings to who knows where. I was aware during those moments, but as I'd come back to "reality" I'd very quickly lose my train of thought and completely forget what I had been experiencing. I came out of a lot of those moments giggling and obviously enjoying myself, but at least once there was fear.
At around 12:45am, I was still being rocked by these intense waves, and I started feeling really hot. I gave in to a little bit of anxiety and started seriously considering that somehow I was developing hyperthermia and was going to suffer some serious health consequence as a result. I washed my face and had some water and kicked myself for thinking that.
The next day I was in awe of that experience and really wanted to recreate it (mistake number 1 -- getting fixated on the idea of recreating a trip, or chasing a certain experience). I wasn't sure if the 4-aco-dmt was potentiated by the Syrian Rue, or the 1P-LSD, but I was researching like crazy trying to figure out how to get visuals that come on that quickly and intensely all the time. Be careful what you wish for. I got exactly what I asked for the next week, but it was not what I wanted.
Friday:
45mg + 35mg + 40mg (+?) 4-aco-dmt
Basically, the first dose isn't as strong as I want, so I take more, it's still not strong enough, so I take more, etc. I'm pretty sure I only took three doses. It does get close to a level I want near the end, but I find redosing 4-aco-dmt makes the unpleasant side effects (impaired motor skills, e.g. drunkenness) more pronounced. Still, there's a nice moment near the end where I start to think I actually can control the physical effects of my trip and I sit there sending waves of pleasure through my head by concentrating on remembering what it feels like until it happens. Yeah, it was probably just coincidental good timing, but it was interesting ^^;
Saturday:
By Saturday, I'm sure the Syrian Rue has been fully metabolized and it is safe to take MDMA. I have one 110mg dose. As expected, it's a mild but enjoyable experience, although I smoke way too many cigarettes and this makes me feel guilty because I'm thinking about how my takeaway lesson from the DMT experience was how I should work on quitting, and all this tripping is only helping me smoke more.
Sunday:
22mg 2c-e + 25mg 4-aco-dmt
Early in the trip, there are moments that feel really good, and moments where I am made to face some thoughts that I don't really want to face. Mainly that I am using psychedelics entirely the wrong way these days. I feel compelled to stand in the sunshine and it makes things feel better. All I can think at times is "you shouldn?t be tripping this much just for the sake of tripping because you have time off. You should be taking care of yourself. Eat a proper meal, get a decent night of sleep. Work harder for your trips. Put in the personal effort."
Naturally, I don't listen to this advice from myself, and I boost with another 9mg of 2c-e and 25-30mg of 4-aco-dmt. When that last dose of 2c-e finally kicked in, holy hell, it was *rough*. I spent a long hour or more battling horrible nausea as well as ego confusion. I was struggling to maintain a grip on reality because I did NOT want to let go. Everything was overwhelming and I did what I usually do when that happens and stuck my hands under running water to ground myself. I told myself I needed to throw up in order to feel better, but then I'd tell myself that if I threw up I'd lessen the intensity of the trip, and wouldn't it be more rewarding to endure? If I threw up, I'd regret it later. And so on and so on.
Either way, I couldn't throw up. I did eventually try, but it just didn't happen. The nausea remained terrible until it went away on its own. Things were better after the insane peak calmed down, but not by much. 2c-e is just too long, and I'm starting to remember why I used to keep etizolam on hand.
Monday:
This was dumber than dumb, just don't do it. Just no.
Just so you know I'm not entirely insane, these doses were influenced by past patterns. I know most people dose 5-meo-mipt (moxy) in the 5-12mg range, and I agree that is a good range with no tolerance, but I have found that in the past with tolerance, I needed to take 25mg doses for effects similar to 15mg with no tolerance.
25mg + 20mg 5-meo-mipt.
When this dose kicked in, it didn't feel strong enough. I honestly didn't wait very long before taking another 20mg.
And I thought I was overwhelmed during Sunday's 2c-e peak! This was physical hell. When I was feeling overwhelmed, I'd look up bad trip reports from people who overdosed and basically just remind myself to be grateful that at least I was in control and not running naked down a highway. Obviously my tolerance is high enough that I did not lose my mind, but I felt like I was tweaking for six hours, and that felt like the longest six hours of my life due to the time dilation. I was just wishing I could smoke weed to relax, and knowing that it would only make things worse. It was brutal.
I've never freaked out enough to flush my collection, but this experience had me seriously considering tossing everything that wasn't a tryptamine.
Tuesday - Friday
I woke up Tuesday with a terrible cold/fever and basically spend the next few days resting. I was also showing signs of serotonin depletion -- definitely from the MDMA, but I hear the debate is still ongoing about whether or not moxy actually releases serotonin. I can't help but feel like the moxy definitely did a number on my brain.
Saturday, August 18th:
Because my time off work is nearly over, and I regret not being able to enjoy tripping more, I go ahead and take 30mg of 4-aco-dmt (dissolved in water for ~40hours, in an attempt to convert it to psilocin. No colour change occurred) at around 11pm, chased with lemon juice. I also prepare a second 25mg dose of weighed powder in case my solution has degraded and it's not as strong as I want it to be, and I move outside. I am physically and mentally exhausted, and I have never taken a psychedelic under those conditions. As soon as I felt myself coming up, everything was tinged with anxiety. Visuals are a bit stronger than I was expecting from this dose given what I've put myself through over the past week and a half, and I am not able to feel any positive emotions. I remember telling myself not to take the second dose, later. I suspect that because of serotonin depletion, I just don't have the ability to interpret things positively. My brain is unable to feel good, and instead everything feels really bad -- the only other time I have experienced this on a 4-aco-dmt trip was right after taking a lot of methylone, so I'm sticking with this theory.
At 12:45am, the anxious peak is over and I'm able to start enjoying the trip, and *of course* I think "I want more" and I convince myself to take the second dose. It's two hours after the first dose at this point. Waiting this long before redosing has *never* intensified a trip, only lengthened it.
At 1:13am, thinking I have already felt the second dose hit me, I'm smoking weed as usual, and suddenly the fence in front of me starts spiraling in alternating directions wildly and quickly. For the first time ever, I put down the weed because all I know is I *do not* need this to be stronger. Trees in my backyard are flowing at an insanely fast speed --- it looked like branches waving on an extremely windy night, but there was not even the hint of a breeze.
I'm not sure if I was actually close to ego loss, or if I was just terrified that it would happen and convinced myself that strong visuals = you will lose control/consciousness if you close your eyes. Everything felt very fast and I didn't even have time to think, let alone process what was happening rationally. All I knew was the presence of visuals at all was terrifying thanks to the anxiety, and I had made a decision to fight for control and I was going to stay outside. The thought of going back inside the house was terrifying for some reason.
I have no idea why this trip was so strong, although I lean towards being mentally exhausted as one factor (what we see, whether sober or under the influence of a psychedelic, is the brain's interpretation of the signals sent by the eyes, so my simplistic reasoning is that my brain was too tired to process these signals in a predictable way).
I also have no idea whether I was actually on the verge of any sort of ego dissolution or ego death, or if I just had a really bad anxiety attack and *thought* I was going to lose control. It certainly doesn't help that I had spent days reading report after report of people overdosing on nastier (fatal) psychedelic substances. With these reports somewhere on the back of my mind, I'm sure anything approaching ego-death would leave me subconsciously terrified of losing total control of myself and causing massive damage to others and myself. In reality, with 4-aco-dmt, all I'd need is a blanket and a comfortable room and I'd probably be just fine.
I think it's clear that as much as I have loved all of my previous surprise high dose/borderline ego-death trips, I am not even close to ready for ego-death. When those trips happened years ago, I had no idea what ego-death even was. I had no expectations in place, and just went with the experiences. I have never been able to fully let go. I have a strong-willed ego, and I've always managed to stay planted in reality, even on doses that people swear SHOULD have left me no choice in the matter.
I think being someone who thinks I KNOW myself, and someone who hates relinquishing control of my life to others, that knowing what ego-death entails adds a new layer of anxiety to my trips that I was maybe not aware of until now. I might really like the thought of letting go, but ultimately, subconsciously it is terrifying and if I keep haphazardly taking high doses of whatever because I've handled them well before, I am going to keep having experiences like these where all I do is fight myself and the experience.
I'm going to try to refamiliarize myself with what lower doses feel like, and learn to fully appreciate them before continuing to try to push the limits. I don't want to be afraid of stronger experiences, especially when I know firsthand how amazing and rewarding they can be. I'm mostly recovered (still a lingering cold and fatigue), but still have these anxious assumptions that all visuals go hand in hand with ego loss. I still have some slight worry/fear that I won't be able to handle any visuals, but I'm sure this will pass as I get my neurochemistry back into some sort of balance.
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