Should I lower my expectations for people I like ?

[l33t]

I know this is a bit weird but I have really high standards for relationships ( friends and girlfriends ) . I am 29 and straight, good job happy life etc, regular weed smoker , some mushrooms once a year and rarely some LSD. I have been in around 4-5 serious relationships with girls. Unfortunately, I am not really easy with my relationships and I have high standards. If something happens in the relationship that I don't like I will stop it immediately. This has worked pretty good for me and Ive met many people I like and Ive probably avoided a lot of drama. I mean I am really picky about things and I won't let things that trouble me go easily. Also I take things really personally and give attention to details, mostly because I want to improve myself and be happy. I am also pretty straight about things, really open, if I like something I will tell you , if I don't I will tell you again.

Generally speaking I am quite picky in my relationships but I am happy to spend time with anyone to work things out , its just when I feel we talk and we cant work it out , it's then that I end my relationships.

Now I want to talk about sex. Well, I have really high expectations on sex as well and if it's not like that I get angry and/or stop being interested in that girl anymore. I have also talked to girls and stopped them while they were doing oral to me and tell them that they aint good/I dont like ( I didnt ) and proceeded to show them how I would like it to be done. Some girls get offended but what am I supposed to do ? I never just say "you are bad" and leave it there . I tell them that I have high expectations and I show them what I like and discuss it in the nicest way but I have caught myself to be angry and not talk as nice which I feel bad about. Most girls are pretty scared and they dont really talk about sex until I start talking about things.... which sometimes I mind cause I think communication is key.

Now it's that I really like these girls and generally we get along fine it's just that they don't really please me sexually.... I am quite experienced and I care about them so I make sure they are always pleased and spend time to know what they like and how they like it but I find they don't or are scared..... And then since my sex needs are not met I ask them to be friends only, which works ok most of the times, I have many girl friends, I like them.

I really like young girls ( 20 - 30 ) and unfortunately most of them are not very experienced or up to the level.

I love HARDCORE sex ALL NIGHT LONG every day.

Do you think I should try and work it inside me and lower my expectations ? Am I a unrealistic ? Sometimes I feel bad about telling them that I don't get what I like because they feel bad. Keep my high expectations and wait till I find what I am looking ?

When I say high expectations I mean perfect oral, hand jobs , go on top of me and fuck me perfectly, be active, care about me even when her sex drive is not that high.... I like girls that are active on bed, hate the very passive girls. I think 70me active 30her active is what I like . Most girls Ive been with are 95me-5her. I had girls that were really pro at bed but we were just not compatible or didnt find them that sexually attractive ( friends first then sex, I dont like sex with girls I dont know, one night stands etc, shallow only-sex relationships, had my fair share ) .

Btw I am not really the monogamous type kind of guy but I am happy to be only with one girl if she can fulfill a lot of my needs. The reason I go with many girls is that I think no single girl can fully fulfill my needs so why stay with one. It's the same with friends. Sometimes, though, we have a best friend and we like to spend only time with him if he can fulfill our needs I am always open about my intentions though and what I do , never cheated.

Thanks

 

[queenbee1127]

Jesus, you sound like a dick.

 

[l33t]

I hope you understand you are no better than me when you reply like that, probably worse since you are insulting me and I never did that . I try to understand my actions and and why I behave in certain ways. If you think I am what you think I am why not explain further ? You just feel nice by posting insults online ? Low self esteem issues ?

I don't think I am a dick if I want certain things, even if these things are weird or unrealistic, since I am not hurting or insulting anyone. If you don't like what I like and I hurt noone maybe you should consider you are "racist" against people who don't share your opinions and you need more help than me. I am not hurting anyone and never forced anyone into anything. Telling a girl I don't enjoy her BJ and talking about it and showing her how I would like it even more is not disrespecting/insulting her.

I guess it's a matter of finding a partner with the same sexual drive and experience or meditating to help me control my sexual drive/desires.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Yes you should lower your standards but do you want a girlfriend, or a woman that's a FWB/FB who is just good at sex and experienced? Or do the women you date know you are dating multiple women at once or that you're not monogamous with them?

I know people who are really picky/fussy when it comes to relationships; but I figure it's their choice to be this way.

 

[l33t]

For me there is no difference really between GF and friends with benefit.... I know for many people it is different though. I always treat my girlfriends as friends first. I dont go into relationships that I dont feel like a friend with the girl. I know many people make a distinction between these two but for me my girlfriend is a friend that I can also have sex with. The only difference for me between girls and boys is that with girls I can also have sex and enjoy it and also have babies. But friendship is friendship and friendship includes love, for me love feels the same between girls girlfriends and boys and parents. I want my relationships to be deep and feel like I can share everything.

Yes I am always open and honest about me generally not being monogamous. It's something we discuss at the beginning and sometimes I don't mind agreeing to see just this one girl if I feel happy with her and my needs are satisfied. I never cheat. Many girls will run away when I tell them how I feel but many don't care that I like being around many girls and they think it's normal ( just as I do ... ) .

 

[samnslumberland]

No, you shouldn't lower your standards. Simply because I don't think the person whom you lowered your standards for deserves the unhappiness of knowing that she does not meet your standards, and because you'll make a project of getting her to fit into some mold of perfection that she'll realistically never be able to fit into. This isn't an attack on you by any means, I've seen this scenario play out many times.

Also, communicating what you want and giving direction while a girl is giving you head is great. But your approach does sound somewhat demeaning and offensive (I'd be offended). You should never be aggressive about it, and you shouldn't stop her in the midst of it to tell her what she's doing wrong or right. Just tell her what you want as she's doing it and have some patience.

 

[queenbee1127]

I never said I was better than you, don't put words in my mouth.

I sincerely hope that you are such a 10 in real life that it warrants these impossibly high standards. I think the question kind of speaks for itself - if you know that you have ridiculously high standards and have trouble finding a woman who satisfies them, then yes, they need to be lowered. I wouldn't even use the term ''lower your standards", I would call it being realistic and managing your expectations.

Also, the term "racist" applies to discrimination based on race, that's the whole meaning of the word. Not liking what you like does not make me a racist. Open a god damn dictionary.

 

[apatheist]

It might be worth reading up on Nonviolent Communication, OP.

 

[Ziiirp]

You said you had 4-5 serious relationships. How long endured those ?

Perhaps you should have less sex (watch less porn?) so that you can appreciate a partner for what she has to offer instead of forcing her to fit your prefabricated template of "perfect sex". Every woman I had known - even the sexually active ones - are turned off by such an approach.

 

[l33t]

No, you shouldn't lower your standards. Simply because I don't think the person whom you lowered your standards for deserves the unhappiness of knowing that she does not meet your standards, and because you'll make a project of getting her to fit into some mold of perfection that she'll realistically never be able to fit into. This isn't an attack on you by any means, I've seen this scenario play out many times.

Also, communicating what you want and giving direction while a girl is giving you head is great. But your approach does sound somewhat demeaning and offensive (I'd be offended). You should never be aggressive about it, and you shouldn't stop her in the midst of it to tell her what she's doing wrong or right. Just tell her what you want as she's doing it and have some patience.

If I lower my expectations I won't expect anymore these things from my partner, so she would meet my expectations and there is nothing unhappy about it/her and I wont try to fit her to my expectations/standards. Its a work I will do inside me. I agree that I get angry/dissapointed and thats what is this thread is about but in no way I get violent or pushy. I have catched myself putting it a girl in not the best possible way but I worked on it and I recognize my behaviour. I like what you say and thank you.

I never said I was better than you, don't put words in my mouth.

I sincerely hope that you are such a 10 in real life that it warrants these impossibly high standards. I think the question kind of speaks for itself - if you know that you have ridiculously high standards and have trouble finding a woman who satisfies them, then yes, they need to be lowered. I wouldn't even use the term ''lower your standards", I would call it being realistic and managing your expectations.

Also, the term "racist" applies to discrimination based on race, that's the whole meaning of the word. Not liking what you like does not make me a racist. Open a god damn dictionary.

I never said you said you were better than me. You are the one who puts words into my mouth. Also I know what racist means and that was the reason I used the brackets. Brackets can be used when we use a word in a metaphorical way. So open a grammar book. "Not liking what you like does not make me a racist." No , but calling me an idiot makes you. But to the point, I agree with what you say. I don't know if I am a 0 or a 10, guess this lies in the eyes of the beholder, I just want to find someone that we can do stuff we like together. What maybe high standards/expectations to me might be low to you....

You said you had 4-5 serious relationships. How long endured those ?

Perhaps you should have less sex (watch less porn?) so that you can appreciate a partner for what she has to offer instead of forcing her to fit your prefabricated template of "perfect sex". Every woman I had known - even the sexually active ones - are turned off by such an approach.

Around 1-3 years each. These were my long term ones. This is exactly what I used to do, I would refrain from masturbating/lots of sex so I could enjoy it more... I dont really have a perfect sex bubble, I just have high expectations and I am experienced... I have had sex with women before that would satisfy me and even more for months. I am not a huge porn fan, I prefer to do it on my own. I fantasize about sex I had and I really liked I have a high sex drive and when I am not in a relationship , so I have something to do about it !

I dont know, sometimes it seems sad and frustrating that I can't get what I want with the girls I want and sometimes I feel sad and that all this sex thing doesn't matter as long as we can do hugs and communicate and have fun. I think the answer probably lies somewhere in the middle.


Has anyone left their partner because they werent sexually satisfied ? Has anyone stayed with someone although the sex wasnt ideal and got past that just because the great person was so great and kept having sex with that person ?

Thank you for your responses