Outermostline
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2016
- Messages
- 10
Hi everyone, this is the first thread I've started on this site and I would like to get honest opinions from people on here on how serious/dangerous my drug use patterns are.
First I would like to say I know that this post may seem silly as you probably think I should be able to judge my actions on my own...unfortunately noone in my family knows I am still using drugs, and I can't tell them or they'd be heartbroken and worried constantly, and the majority of my friends use as much or more than I do and therefore tend to have the mindset that they and I are invincible and can keep using substances at the rate we have been forever. So I don't have anyone to give me advice or tell me "Hey, maybe you should lay it off today bud, you've been spending all of your extra cash on dope lately".
So here is my story. I have been using drugs for about 8 years now, and I am in my early 20s. The first substance I ever tried to get a buzz off was alcohol at age 13. Even for my first buzz ever, it gave me a feeling that not many other drugs do, and not a very nice feeling, more of a flu-like state along with the mild euphoria and loss of motor control...to this day, I never liked alcohol enough to form a habit. Next came cigarettes shortly after my first time getting drunk, which I hated even more than alcohol. I only ever smoke stoags when I am on some other substance which is complimented by the nicotine buzz.
Now moving on to age 14, I tried weed, instantly fell in love, and continue to smoke once or twice a day almost every day, other than when I take a tolerance break for a good week or two once every couple of months. (I am not concerned with my marijuana usage at all)
A year later I tried my first E pill and I remember peaking on my first roll, thinking "It can't get any better than this". Several years and many rolls later, I no longer feel the effects of MDMA. I am almost certain this is because I took it waaaaaay too often in my high school days, popping it every other friday for almost 2 years. I decided to lay it off for a while after the last few rolls I had back then. I remember feeling that "magic" feeling which cannot be described in words completely gone after my first 20 or so times, and it became a lot more tweaky and uncomfortable, almost like amphetamine (I've seen the M crystals tested multiple times I've bought and it came up clean so I know it's not due to RCs/bunk molly). So now I haven't had MDMA in over a year and am planning to take a point or two soon to see if that magic that I miss so much will come back or if I've actually ruined xtc for myself forever.
The only part that concerns me about my previous MDMA usage is the irreversible damage I may have already done to my serotonin receptors. However, the main reason I decided to post this all is around 16 I got into cocaine, amphetamines, benzos, and painkillers; mainly oxy and morphine. Ever since I was 16-17, I would teeter on the brink of addiction from time to time, going on stimulant binges for 3 or more days, and every time I would only stop when I: a) threw up from keeping an empty stomach, b)collapsed and passed out from exhaustion, or c) ran out of cocaine or speed. These binges happened 2-4 times a month throughout the end of my high school and up until recently, when I decided that it would be best to stay away from stimulants as much as possible after I accepted the fact that I was seriously damaging my heart and circulatory system as well as my brain...It's almost as if I am not able to even think the same way anymore. Any time I smell gasoline I will have flashbacks of my seshs and start thinking about buying some nice yay and just spending the whole day doing lines at home. As for amphetamine, I now feel that its negative effects outweigh its positive ones, similar to how MDMA is to me now, so I don't do speed at all anymore because I can no longer tolerate the high. Cocaine on the other hand, I still enjoy way more than I should and have a hard time keeping it out of my thoughts on a daily basis.
To cope with this, I started taking sedatives almost every day - usually xanax, sometimes zolpidem instead, although I would probably replace those with an opiate habit if painkillers were easily available in my area. I always make sure not to take the downers every day for long periods of time, forcing myself to leave them alone for at least a full 2 days out of every week to avoid addiction. The xanax seems to control my urge to do more tempting drugs nicely, but has given me some annoying side effects, namely not being able to remember certain details such as where I put things in my house or how I wake up some mornings missing a couple of $20s from my wallet from the night before. I currently take 2-3mg of xanax or 20mg of zolpidem, usually all in one dose in the morning, to calm my nerves each day. Opiates are my doc after MDMA and cola. If I ever get ahold of painkillers, I pretty much stop using the other sedatives altogether and replace them with oxy/hydro/whatever else is available 2-3 times a day until the supply runs dry. Then I go back to taking xanax.
So I am basically stuck in this endless cycle of what some might call psychological addiction and what I consider avoiding my past habits by taking the risk of becoming unable to control my current benzo habit. I am very thankful and proud to say that I have never been physically addicted to any substance, but I know that my patterns of use are considered well beyond dangerous. I also want to say that I still smoke cannabis on a daily basis, but I don't think it helps distract me from the yay because I noticed that the times when I decide to get yacked out have sometimes been after smoking, but I often slip when I'm sober too.
What do you guys think? Should I continue using downers somewhat responsibly in order to prevent myself from falling into stimulant binges? Or is the xanax doing even more harm than the stims? Should I attempt to quit everything other than weed altogether? What have you all found are the best alternatives to hard drugs? I just want to be able to live without intense cravings every day, and I am determined to overcome this because unfortunately my drug use is the number one barrier in my life at the moment. Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read this post all the way through.
First I would like to say I know that this post may seem silly as you probably think I should be able to judge my actions on my own...unfortunately noone in my family knows I am still using drugs, and I can't tell them or they'd be heartbroken and worried constantly, and the majority of my friends use as much or more than I do and therefore tend to have the mindset that they and I are invincible and can keep using substances at the rate we have been forever. So I don't have anyone to give me advice or tell me "Hey, maybe you should lay it off today bud, you've been spending all of your extra cash on dope lately".
So here is my story. I have been using drugs for about 8 years now, and I am in my early 20s. The first substance I ever tried to get a buzz off was alcohol at age 13. Even for my first buzz ever, it gave me a feeling that not many other drugs do, and not a very nice feeling, more of a flu-like state along with the mild euphoria and loss of motor control...to this day, I never liked alcohol enough to form a habit. Next came cigarettes shortly after my first time getting drunk, which I hated even more than alcohol. I only ever smoke stoags when I am on some other substance which is complimented by the nicotine buzz.
Now moving on to age 14, I tried weed, instantly fell in love, and continue to smoke once or twice a day almost every day, other than when I take a tolerance break for a good week or two once every couple of months. (I am not concerned with my marijuana usage at all)
A year later I tried my first E pill and I remember peaking on my first roll, thinking "It can't get any better than this". Several years and many rolls later, I no longer feel the effects of MDMA. I am almost certain this is because I took it waaaaaay too often in my high school days, popping it every other friday for almost 2 years. I decided to lay it off for a while after the last few rolls I had back then. I remember feeling that "magic" feeling which cannot be described in words completely gone after my first 20 or so times, and it became a lot more tweaky and uncomfortable, almost like amphetamine (I've seen the M crystals tested multiple times I've bought and it came up clean so I know it's not due to RCs/bunk molly). So now I haven't had MDMA in over a year and am planning to take a point or two soon to see if that magic that I miss so much will come back or if I've actually ruined xtc for myself forever.
The only part that concerns me about my previous MDMA usage is the irreversible damage I may have already done to my serotonin receptors. However, the main reason I decided to post this all is around 16 I got into cocaine, amphetamines, benzos, and painkillers; mainly oxy and morphine. Ever since I was 16-17, I would teeter on the brink of addiction from time to time, going on stimulant binges for 3 or more days, and every time I would only stop when I: a) threw up from keeping an empty stomach, b)collapsed and passed out from exhaustion, or c) ran out of cocaine or speed. These binges happened 2-4 times a month throughout the end of my high school and up until recently, when I decided that it would be best to stay away from stimulants as much as possible after I accepted the fact that I was seriously damaging my heart and circulatory system as well as my brain...It's almost as if I am not able to even think the same way anymore. Any time I smell gasoline I will have flashbacks of my seshs and start thinking about buying some nice yay and just spending the whole day doing lines at home. As for amphetamine, I now feel that its negative effects outweigh its positive ones, similar to how MDMA is to me now, so I don't do speed at all anymore because I can no longer tolerate the high. Cocaine on the other hand, I still enjoy way more than I should and have a hard time keeping it out of my thoughts on a daily basis.
To cope with this, I started taking sedatives almost every day - usually xanax, sometimes zolpidem instead, although I would probably replace those with an opiate habit if painkillers were easily available in my area. I always make sure not to take the downers every day for long periods of time, forcing myself to leave them alone for at least a full 2 days out of every week to avoid addiction. The xanax seems to control my urge to do more tempting drugs nicely, but has given me some annoying side effects, namely not being able to remember certain details such as where I put things in my house or how I wake up some mornings missing a couple of $20s from my wallet from the night before. I currently take 2-3mg of xanax or 20mg of zolpidem, usually all in one dose in the morning, to calm my nerves each day. Opiates are my doc after MDMA and cola. If I ever get ahold of painkillers, I pretty much stop using the other sedatives altogether and replace them with oxy/hydro/whatever else is available 2-3 times a day until the supply runs dry. Then I go back to taking xanax.
So I am basically stuck in this endless cycle of what some might call psychological addiction and what I consider avoiding my past habits by taking the risk of becoming unable to control my current benzo habit. I am very thankful and proud to say that I have never been physically addicted to any substance, but I know that my patterns of use are considered well beyond dangerous. I also want to say that I still smoke cannabis on a daily basis, but I don't think it helps distract me from the yay because I noticed that the times when I decide to get yacked out have sometimes been after smoking, but I often slip when I'm sober too.
What do you guys think? Should I continue using downers somewhat responsibly in order to prevent myself from falling into stimulant binges? Or is the xanax doing even more harm than the stims? Should I attempt to quit everything other than weed altogether? What have you all found are the best alternatives to hard drugs? I just want to be able to live without intense cravings every day, and I am determined to overcome this because unfortunately my drug use is the number one barrier in my life at the moment. Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read this post all the way through.
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