Thank you so much for the information that you have given me. I’m not built like most people I quit speedballing 14 years ago and have not had one relapse until 2 1/2 months ago. I was in a really bad spot mentally and wanted to die, I am being very reckless and I am aware I tend to go HAM with everything.
I actually went to see a doctor about Suboxone to stop using speedballs 14 years ago and he told me that the recovery rate for what I am doing since I did 10 white and 10 black a day that recovery ratio is 2% and he just doesn’t see it happening for me so what I did was I went and got some Suboxone somewhere else to Strips each 8 mg. I cut them into four pieces on the first day and eight pieces on the next in a week. I was sober. Of course, I had to replace my habit with another ritual, so I got in the tea and turned into a big fat tea snob
12-step programs do not work for me. What did work for me was the small book based on Albert Ellis’s philosophy of rational emotive therapy, which I really appreciated. I have never listened to or read the whole book. I think about 48 pages and I had what I needed
I won’t 14 years without one incident at all. I was completely able to watch People use and not have any cravings
I believe the thing benefited me, the most was I would sit and visualise situations where people would offer me drugs to use with them, and I would just decline in my mind. Eventually, I got really comfortable with it.
Getting clean is really my only option, but until I can learn how to appreciate and love myself I’m going to continue to punish myself and that’s why I use drugs. They’re not fun for me anymore
However, it’s the only way I can get out of my head
I hate that I’ve been on riddle in an Adderall since I was four years old and 48 today
I have shot math before, but it doesn’t do anything. I don’t feel any altered state no kind of nothing it doesn’t do anything.
I wanted to thank you for your response. If you have any additional advice or information I’m soliciting it from you please I’m open to constructive criticism I like raw honesty
You're in luck man. I try to be as blunt as possible. Radical problems sometimes require radical solutions. There's a big difference here between what is medically/ethically advisable and what actually happens in practice. All drugs have their qualities, right? Cocaine to me is known for you're either extremely high or desperately craving Cocaine. There is little time for perspective and insight.
Do you use other drugs or are you just a Cocaine user? People who know me know that I got through some of my worst moments by getting creative. When I had to quit using Heroin or Methadone, I leaned into other substances that could act as a salve for the worst symptoms while still allowing me to progress through the stages of the syndrome.
- Gabapentin/Pregabalin
-Cannabis
-Clonidine
-Benzodiazepines
And so on. You can be incredibly addicted to Heroin for instance and still have zero tolerance for Benzodiazepines, Gabapentinoids or what have you. While you may have a 300-400/day Coke habit, yet 4-5 bucks worth of Gabapentin could be enough to sate you a little bit. The other stuff you will use to sleep. Sleep is your friend, cause when you're asleep, you're not feeling the pain and time is still passing you by. Time and distance are the only things that will truly heal your mind of the desire to use Cocaine. However, with time and dedication, I believe anyone can master even the most compulsive of habits.
This is all well and good, but my honest advice to you would be to start by checking into detox. Ideally, you should try to go somewhere for at least a month. Rehabs are not all evil and you might actually learn some good skills in dealing with your addiction while there. The most important thing again though is gonna be time and separation. You need to find a way to derive happiness from your life. I know this sounds like a bunch of bullshit when you're in it. I can tell you that there was a point in my life when I would have sold my own Mother's soul to the devil to get high. I'm not exaggerating. I was an animal.
The part where you find meaning will take time. It's not gonna be overnight. You're going to need to put in a lot of work. It will be shitty, yes, but when you get clean, you plant your seeds. With enough time in the dirt, we get to see beautiful flowers start to pop up. For a lot of us, we plant the seeds and we're gone before we even get to see what they might become. Maybe that's your child telling you they love you, maybe it's your Father telling you that he loves and respects you, maybe it's finding a good woman. These are all things you can't touch until you've put in the work. However, it's not long at all before that shit starts to bloom. You're slogging every day. The rewards come in bursts and we use these feelings to motivate us to keep going. Realizing our inner strength and ability to say no will reaffirm in your heart that you're a human being, deserving of love and happiness.
You're capable dude. You're here right now talking about it. That is not an easy thing. You've taken your first step. You get the brownie badge for initiating things. This will be your first motivator. You've got that and you've got legendary junky
@Keif' Richards backing you up all the way. If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.
