Cudi
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2015
- Messages
- 186
I am so tired of all this. Last year I went to an inpatient detox facility for a week after heavily abusing Clonazolam, Etizolam, Alprazolam, Clonazepam, and Diclazepam. I'd Ubered myself to the hospital during withdrawal and had a seizure shortly upon arrival, luckily with EMT around me to catch the fall and help out immediately after. A month after my discharge, I relapsed and attempted suicide but luckily I have friends that care about me so I survived after once again going to the hospital.
Fast forward to now. I'm prescribed Klonopin 0.5mg twice a day. Down from 1mg twice a day a couple months ago which I do realize is progress, but when I go two days without it my whole world begins collapsing. I'm tired of this dependence. I can't stand the fact my life is dangling on a thin thread made up of benzos. I've tried tapering before but I always end up right back in the same sinister cycle. I have no health insurance anymore because I lost $53k this year-- a major financial fuckup. I'm broke, hopeless, unmotivated, 24 y/o back in my mom's basement. Had to abandon my social life and everything I had in another state. Each day I have extreme suicidal ideation and am not interested in anything. I have a college degree and a massive employment opportunity approaching in the next 3-4 months, but I still can't gather the strength to prepare, study, and remain qualified for it. It also doesn't help that I was heavily dependent on Adderall for a year up until July 4th when I ceased usage. Ever since, I haven't had the mental or physical strength to do jack shit. I'm trying to save up money just so I can live on my own, get health insurance again, and see a psychiatrist before I implode. Depression, anxiety, low T, suicidal fantasies, kleptomania, agoraphobic tendencies, benzo dependence + slight Ambien dependence. I really just wanna end my shit but I still have an ounce of hope left in me to try for another 5-6 months. What can I do in this situation with no health insurance, no motivation for part time work in between now and when I'm supposed to be employed, and have to pass the Series 3, 34, and 65 exams? It just seems so impossible. Everyday I fluctuate rapidly. Tomorrow I might remember I posted this and delete it out of shame and embarrassment. The next day I might be rushing back trying to read replies and find hope. The day after that I'll think "get it together you piece of shit, you don't need outside help". And the cycle continues. Trapped, trapped, and more trapped... I have to find a way to make money just to get some medical/psychiatric help, because I feel I can't even hold a job unless I have that base of support.
Fast forward to now. I'm prescribed Klonopin 0.5mg twice a day. Down from 1mg twice a day a couple months ago which I do realize is progress, but when I go two days without it my whole world begins collapsing. I'm tired of this dependence. I can't stand the fact my life is dangling on a thin thread made up of benzos. I've tried tapering before but I always end up right back in the same sinister cycle. I have no health insurance anymore because I lost $53k this year-- a major financial fuckup. I'm broke, hopeless, unmotivated, 24 y/o back in my mom's basement. Had to abandon my social life and everything I had in another state. Each day I have extreme suicidal ideation and am not interested in anything. I have a college degree and a massive employment opportunity approaching in the next 3-4 months, but I still can't gather the strength to prepare, study, and remain qualified for it. It also doesn't help that I was heavily dependent on Adderall for a year up until July 4th when I ceased usage. Ever since, I haven't had the mental or physical strength to do jack shit. I'm trying to save up money just so I can live on my own, get health insurance again, and see a psychiatrist before I implode. Depression, anxiety, low T, suicidal fantasies, kleptomania, agoraphobic tendencies, benzo dependence + slight Ambien dependence. I really just wanna end my shit but I still have an ounce of hope left in me to try for another 5-6 months. What can I do in this situation with no health insurance, no motivation for part time work in between now and when I'm supposed to be employed, and have to pass the Series 3, 34, and 65 exams? It just seems so impossible. Everyday I fluctuate rapidly. Tomorrow I might remember I posted this and delete it out of shame and embarrassment. The next day I might be rushing back trying to read replies and find hope. The day after that I'll think "get it together you piece of shit, you don't need outside help". And the cycle continues. Trapped, trapped, and more trapped... I have to find a way to make money just to get some medical/psychiatric help, because I feel I can't even hold a job unless I have that base of support.