Venting sex, drugs, grief.

[your average druggie]

recently my nana passed after 3-4 hard years of struggle with cancer. i have been clean for around a month now, and i have been working on myself mentally and focusing on myself. ever since my ma died when i was 7, ive had a bit of unhandled grief and mental health issues. about last year i got placed in a impatient hospital after 3 seperate attempts and SH related issues and since then i have been working on myself. i always knew i had shit i needed to handle ever since my ma died and have never really took good care of my mental health and instead self medicated. this went on for a few years and i started using heavily with more illicit drugs around the 2nd time i was admitted to a behavioral hospital because of an undergoing assualt case i had. i went there, came back and didnt stop using. i got a drug charge and was sentenced probation. i stopped using, got off probation, and used rarely after that. im currently recovering from using by the way.after i cut off cold turkey i started masturbating and what not to take the edge off. quit about a week or 2 ago, and all of the sudden my nana dies in the care facility. for the past three days she was in a state where she could no longer speak, she could barely open her eyes, eat. my step ma and dad were visiting her for the final time when i was in school. i get a call and heard she died. go to the bathroom, and process what is going on.i thought "im not ready for this i cant do this right now" to myself. because to me, my friends, family, psychiatrist, this is a major setback. for these past few days ive been trying to convince myself im in a bad dream, dead, etc. i cant get myself to believe she is gone. ill never see her again. ever. ever. again.

i love you nana and im trying my hardest.
sincerely, your grandson.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Hey there, I'm really sorry these things have been happening in your life. I can tell that you love your nana and this is a very difficult time for you right now.

Now I am not trying at all to minimize how you feel just remember, getting old and dying is part of life. It happens to every single person on earth and always will. Many people don't even have a chance to get old. I have lost best friends and even my fiancee when they were a good 50-60 years away from old age. I hope you know that you are not alone.

I can't really tell but it seems like you are tiptoeing around using these tragedies as a reason to possibly relapse on drugs. The best advice I can give is to please not let this be an excuse to use again. Rather use it as motivation to be a stronger person and fight against the world and society that all expect you to relapse. Would your nana want you to use drugs again because of all this? Believe me, I know from experience that when the everyone else expects me to do the wrong thing, I have learned to try to do the opposite if anything then just to spite them.

Honestly I hope I'm not coming across as too harsh. I probably sound more like a football coach than a therapist but I am neither IRL. If you need to, I do recommend visiting a therapist to help you process this grief you are feeling. Sometimes it gets too much to try to do it alone and a therapist is someone to lean on and it's definitely a better alternative to relapsing especially after all the progress you've recently made.

Much love

 

[Joey]

My thoughts about the prior or resulting drug use here. Drug use which co-occurs before someones point in life and afterward feeling their circumstances are beyond their ability to cope.

This isn't an unexpected possibility, and it shouldn't be a shameful thing no matter what the before and after is. If you're dancing around having already used or planning to - you need to get that out somewhere. Blue light is a good and safe place but try and find someone in your immediate family or recovery/psych circles (on the doctor/counseling level) who can listen. Chances are often given again and again, and drugs like a short term antidepressants or a low dose benzo are often possible.

Wherever you are you do need to fit the mold of whatever your set peoples plans are enough to pass by. You can also start moving toward whatever you're thinking you want here without it being something off the street or too much too. There's no point in feeling ashamed of having these cycles here - although thats always an easier said than done.

I don't know what your issue with masturbating is, but honestly thats fine. Just keep it to yourself at home if there's some reason someone might make it weird for you. There's hardly a person in the world who doesn't do this if you're older than like 12 or 13. You're an adult from how I read this. Think about why this is such an issue you decided to write that up here.

Clearly you're looking for some acceptance, to feel physically better, to accept what's happened with your nana and feel still connected. I think maybe you should write her some letters. Try a bit of prayer. Even if you done believe in it, it's not for God - it's for you to make a headspace to think about her and talk. That's real enough.

Take your time and take it easier on the expectations around than if you have a big 'relapse' too. The harder you work on those parts and keep things kosher within your circles here the easier any drug use can be dealt with and without shame anyway. An approach like this might make you want to use less anyway.

Either way she won't judge you for it. Ive always found out when people die that it's others who talk shit.. because 'they would have wanted'...

It doesn't make logical sense to condemn behavior representing a dead person.. and it's not what an honorary to help someone rest in peace in death would require for anyone - no matter how good or bad.

You get to choose what parts of her life are best for you - and how those reminders and chats go.

 

[Eligiu]

None of us here (or at least those who you should pay any mind to, who are here in good faith and to help others) are in a mind to be judgemental.

For whatever reasons, we all struggle with what I was taught are 'relapse justifications' and some of these are very, very good justifications according to our brain and soul.

I've had some justifications be my mentor and friend who helped me through recovering from CSA to the extent I did completely betray me. I've had others be unidentifiable.

In early recovery, missing the bus was a relapse justification.

I can guarantee you, that the sorrow and grief that you currently feel will not go away with drugs. They're just a mask for your emotions that need processing. And it's okay to process these things. One step at a time. It's okay if you get really upset, and it's okay to cry. I cried with my therapist on Monday so hard I have never felt like that in my life but I needed it. I was in agony, but I felt better after.

Have I processed that emotion? No. It's going to take more than that. That was just the start. But, I know that processing it is how I will be able to come to terms with it. Not with the drugs I took the day before. They didn't help. Not with getting drunk a week later to try and cope.

Because then it's just a potential recipe for shame and self hatred at using a tragic family event, or XYZ as a reason to use. We always find a way to turn it on ourselves.

Think of how proud she would be to know that you didn't use, and you let yourself truly grieve her loss. There's something in that. We are not truly present when we are high or drunk. But being there, sober, when you are in pain? It sucks, yes. But it's ultimately a huge sign of respect to your grandmother - 'I am here, I am suffering, I miss you, but I am here, I am present to say goodbye to you.'

As someone who wasn't present at the funeral of my nonna, or at least not at the wake... I felt so guilty afterwards that I got high. I wish I could turn back time.

 

[sonicwhite]

Bro I relapsed on meth and abstained for 18 yrs. I didn't think it would suck me in like it did but it did. My excuse was this barking dumbass and t bone car accident that I said ef it. If I'm going toe to toe he's leaving in a body bag. Still they where all an excuse. I get what your saying tho. I know pain. I befriended him because he chisels the rough edges of my life and helps me be a better person. Like the Apostle Paul said I appealed to the Lord three times to take this thorn yet He said my grace is Sufficient. My Power is made perfect in weakness. So please take it from some who nearly went two decades besides a month relapse where I told the dealer to cut me off. It's not worth it. Grit thru it. It does getting easier.