kapheen'
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2002
- Messages
- 885
I haven't posted on bluelight for quite some time. I've always gotten good feedback here. So I guess it's time to return.
A lot has been going on in my life these past years. I'm a recovering opiate addict. I've been in and out of jail and prison. I was released from prison on May 28th. I don't use any longer and haven't for awhile. I'm doing well on that aspect. But I'm having some really straining relationship issues and I'm having a really hard time understanding things.
I was reacquainted with this wonderful person from my past recently. I've somehow managed to fall head over heels for this girl and in just 6 or so short weeks. I'm currently 35 years old and she's 23 (yeah). When I was younger, 18 or so, I dated her older sister. We had a pretty decent stretch, about 3.5 years. She was my first love. She cheated on me. I broke up with her. Then shortly there after, I found myself in the midst of a horrible addiction, which lasted for over 10 years.
Fast forward. So now I'm fresh out of prison and clean from drugs. I'm on facebook and my sister posts a picture of her and I. I see all the "comments" and "likes". My GF (for lack of a better term) "likes" a couple of the picturs. So I decided to send her a message. My intentions were just to say hello and see how she had been. She responded back almost immediately and we began talking. Almost as quickly I started developing feelings for her. She expressed those same feelings towards me and that the age difference was meaningless to her, as it is for me as well. We talked non stop, only sleeping for 2-3 hours a night. It was like that for about 2 weeks. Then we started seeing each other. We have this incredible connection of the minds. Something I've never experienced before. It's just so beautiful.
We started seeing each other, going to the park and playground (she has a 3 year old daughter). We went to the beach and watched the sunset together. There wasn't too much physical contact during these times. Just a lot of talking, holding hands and kissing, really just getting to know each other. Then she started coming over after her daughter was down for the night. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other for the most part. There were times when she seemed reluctant or hesitant, almost as if she was battling within herself, other times where she would just let go. Those reluctant moments were scattered and few and far between, compared to the rest of what was going on. We had the most magnificent sex.... and then we would just lie in each others arms talking, for hours, until we fell asleep. She would come over a couple nights a week. I was writing poetry for her and bringing her flowers to her work. It all seemed so perfect.
Here's the thing, our relationship was pretty much a secret from her family. She was horribly afraid of her older sister finding out. But I was insistent. Telling her that everything would be okay and that I'd be by her side through out the whole ordeal. So we're making posts on facebook, nothing directly related to each other in any kind of relationship sense. I would post statuses referring to how wonderful it was to feel love again. Though, it was only obvious to those who knew, who those statements were directed towards. She would "like" my posts and I would hers. I would comment on her posts as well, as nonchalantly as possible, but at the same time also trying to make it obvious to anyone who was paying attention. Her older sister was definitely paying attention. Last Monday was the last time she spent the night. Tuesday her family found out and started in on her really hard. Putting me down, telling her how bad of a person I was and this and that. "He's a drug addict and a thief", "He's a worthless piece of shit, he'll never change". She defended me to everyone, for days, telling me that our love was giving her the strength. She was defending me to two of her other sisters and her mother. They were persistent and relentless. Her older sister, my ex, went to the point of saying that my GF couldn't see her kids ever again and so on. But she still chose to fight and be with me.
My GF lives in a two family home. Her mother and father live on one side and her and her daughter live on the other. When she left at night her daughter was not alone. Her mother and father were right through the living room door. That became a pretty big issue.
Another big point to this situation, is the fact that she just recently got out of a emotionally and physically abusive 6.5 year relationship, with her daughters father. She kicked him out during the first few days of us talking. That was already in the process of happening. I don't think her and I talking had a direct impact on that. But I think maybe I gave her the needed strength to go through with it. Apparently they were just basically living together as room mates for nearly 2 years. Rarely talking or even expressing anything towards each other. He was pissed off when she kicked him out and saying he would change and so on. Then last Thursday, she took her daughter to see her father. I had taken them fishing a few days before that. Her ex saw the fishing pole in the trunk and commented that he knows she didn't put it together. He was nagging her until she finally told him about me. At that point he beats her up, in front of her daughter. Hitting her in the face, head, arms and legs. All while shes trying to drive. She brings him home, she's calling me and telling me about everything that just happened. I really didn't know how to react. I know I wanted to go and fuck him up... But that wouldn't have solved anything. It probably would have made things worse for her. I told her to call the police or at least get a restraining order. She didn't do neither.
The next day we went to the beach together. Everything went great, but it seemed like maybe she was distancing herself a little. When we eventually got back to my house, her daughter was sleeping in the back seat of her car. We talked for awhile, kissed and fooled around a little bit. She started saying she wanted me to come to her house, but she was scared her family would catch me there. I didn't press the issue, though it was obvious she wanted me to come over. We eventually agreed that we would wait a few days. Looking back, I wish I would have pushed and gone over there.
Sunday, we had plans to goto the beach again. This time with my sister and her kids as well. Right as shes leaving her house to come here, her mother started verbally attacking her because her daughter was saying how excited she was to be going to the beach with me again. At the same time her phone starts going crazy, her ex was calling and sending texts. Apparently my ex (her sister) had called her ex and told him who I was. She told him all about me. So he starts talking all sorts of trash, about her, about me. Making threats. He even sent my sister a message on facebook, telling her to tell me to stay away from my GF. He didn't have the balls to message me himself. Out of respect for my GF, I didn't message him either. That was the point when I felt like she started distancing herself. At the beach that day she was distant. Pulling away from me when I was trying to kiss her. Other times kissing me...
A day or two after, she tells me that she wants to take a couple steps back and that we moved too fast. She's telling me that she's battling within herself, her heart and mind. I try to pull back but she's still messaging me, all through out the day (we talk that way about 95% of the time, through messages). So I jump back in and it seems okay for a day or so. Then the next day she's telling me it's not going to work, that she jumped into a relationship way to fast after recently just leaving her ex. I feel like these things are all excuses and that there's more going on than what I'm seeing. Again though, she's still sending me messages. She's telling me about all her self doubts and saying that she's difficult. But all at the same time she's telling me that she cares for me and we've got to try and make this work. It's so confusing, I cant figure it out. So I'm trying to ignore her, which just seems to make her send more. I always give in and respond to her. We had made plans for her to come over and talk to me, three nights this week, but each time she cancels. I know if I would have gotten to see her, one on one, it would have strengthened us.
I feel like all thats going on with her family has caused some distress, but after her ex found out is when everything seemed to come crashing down. Yesterday, I had been ignoring her all day, though still getting non stop messages from her. At one point she was even saying things that we say to each other when we're flirting. Then eventually she says she has something for me, that she's going to come over later and leave it on my front porch if I'm not home. At that point I responded and told her I would be home. I told her to message me when she was on her way. Later, she sends the message letting me know she was on her way. So she gets here and gives me a perfume sprayed card, in which she tells me she loves me, but also explains why we can't be together. She was crying, hugging me, holding my hands, she kissed my neck. Then she had to leave because her daughter woke up and started crying....
Even now, after last night, she's still sending me messages. As recently as 3 minutes ago. She keeps trying to explain why we can't be together, like she's not only trying to convince me but also herself. I'm trying to ignore her at this point. I told her I can't keep talking to her if it's not going to work out, because that's just damaging to me.
I know she suffers from depression and has attempted suicide in the past. I can see that she is emotionally damaged, but I still love her. I can't help it. I see so much beauty in her. I really don't know what to do. I'm having my "feeling sorry for myself moments" way to frequently.
I'm getting advice from people who know me and know her. Mixed advice and definitely biased advice as well. I really just need some input from some outside sources. I'm struggling here and I don't know what to do. I'm so confused by all of this. I can't wrap my mind around everything and look at things from all angles, because of my feelings for her. I just don't understand how it went from 100 to 0 so fast. It doesn't make any sense to me. She's telling me she loves me but needs time for herself. Who runs from feelings like that? I don't get it.
Is this whole thing lost? What can I do, if anything, to fix this?
Anything anyone can offer, feedback, advice, opinions, whatever, is highly appreciated.
Thanks for reading. Apologies for the length.
Brian.
A lot has been going on in my life these past years. I'm a recovering opiate addict. I've been in and out of jail and prison. I was released from prison on May 28th. I don't use any longer and haven't for awhile. I'm doing well on that aspect. But I'm having some really straining relationship issues and I'm having a really hard time understanding things.
I was reacquainted with this wonderful person from my past recently. I've somehow managed to fall head over heels for this girl and in just 6 or so short weeks. I'm currently 35 years old and she's 23 (yeah). When I was younger, 18 or so, I dated her older sister. We had a pretty decent stretch, about 3.5 years. She was my first love. She cheated on me. I broke up with her. Then shortly there after, I found myself in the midst of a horrible addiction, which lasted for over 10 years.
Fast forward. So now I'm fresh out of prison and clean from drugs. I'm on facebook and my sister posts a picture of her and I. I see all the "comments" and "likes". My GF (for lack of a better term) "likes" a couple of the picturs. So I decided to send her a message. My intentions were just to say hello and see how she had been. She responded back almost immediately and we began talking. Almost as quickly I started developing feelings for her. She expressed those same feelings towards me and that the age difference was meaningless to her, as it is for me as well. We talked non stop, only sleeping for 2-3 hours a night. It was like that for about 2 weeks. Then we started seeing each other. We have this incredible connection of the minds. Something I've never experienced before. It's just so beautiful.
We started seeing each other, going to the park and playground (she has a 3 year old daughter). We went to the beach and watched the sunset together. There wasn't too much physical contact during these times. Just a lot of talking, holding hands and kissing, really just getting to know each other. Then she started coming over after her daughter was down for the night. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other for the most part. There were times when she seemed reluctant or hesitant, almost as if she was battling within herself, other times where she would just let go. Those reluctant moments were scattered and few and far between, compared to the rest of what was going on. We had the most magnificent sex.... and then we would just lie in each others arms talking, for hours, until we fell asleep. She would come over a couple nights a week. I was writing poetry for her and bringing her flowers to her work. It all seemed so perfect.
Here's the thing, our relationship was pretty much a secret from her family. She was horribly afraid of her older sister finding out. But I was insistent. Telling her that everything would be okay and that I'd be by her side through out the whole ordeal. So we're making posts on facebook, nothing directly related to each other in any kind of relationship sense. I would post statuses referring to how wonderful it was to feel love again. Though, it was only obvious to those who knew, who those statements were directed towards. She would "like" my posts and I would hers. I would comment on her posts as well, as nonchalantly as possible, but at the same time also trying to make it obvious to anyone who was paying attention. Her older sister was definitely paying attention. Last Monday was the last time she spent the night. Tuesday her family found out and started in on her really hard. Putting me down, telling her how bad of a person I was and this and that. "He's a drug addict and a thief", "He's a worthless piece of shit, he'll never change". She defended me to everyone, for days, telling me that our love was giving her the strength. She was defending me to two of her other sisters and her mother. They were persistent and relentless. Her older sister, my ex, went to the point of saying that my GF couldn't see her kids ever again and so on. But she still chose to fight and be with me.
My GF lives in a two family home. Her mother and father live on one side and her and her daughter live on the other. When she left at night her daughter was not alone. Her mother and father were right through the living room door. That became a pretty big issue.
Another big point to this situation, is the fact that she just recently got out of a emotionally and physically abusive 6.5 year relationship, with her daughters father. She kicked him out during the first few days of us talking. That was already in the process of happening. I don't think her and I talking had a direct impact on that. But I think maybe I gave her the needed strength to go through with it. Apparently they were just basically living together as room mates for nearly 2 years. Rarely talking or even expressing anything towards each other. He was pissed off when she kicked him out and saying he would change and so on. Then last Thursday, she took her daughter to see her father. I had taken them fishing a few days before that. Her ex saw the fishing pole in the trunk and commented that he knows she didn't put it together. He was nagging her until she finally told him about me. At that point he beats her up, in front of her daughter. Hitting her in the face, head, arms and legs. All while shes trying to drive. She brings him home, she's calling me and telling me about everything that just happened. I really didn't know how to react. I know I wanted to go and fuck him up... But that wouldn't have solved anything. It probably would have made things worse for her. I told her to call the police or at least get a restraining order. She didn't do neither.
The next day we went to the beach together. Everything went great, but it seemed like maybe she was distancing herself a little. When we eventually got back to my house, her daughter was sleeping in the back seat of her car. We talked for awhile, kissed and fooled around a little bit. She started saying she wanted me to come to her house, but she was scared her family would catch me there. I didn't press the issue, though it was obvious she wanted me to come over. We eventually agreed that we would wait a few days. Looking back, I wish I would have pushed and gone over there.
Sunday, we had plans to goto the beach again. This time with my sister and her kids as well. Right as shes leaving her house to come here, her mother started verbally attacking her because her daughter was saying how excited she was to be going to the beach with me again. At the same time her phone starts going crazy, her ex was calling and sending texts. Apparently my ex (her sister) had called her ex and told him who I was. She told him all about me. So he starts talking all sorts of trash, about her, about me. Making threats. He even sent my sister a message on facebook, telling her to tell me to stay away from my GF. He didn't have the balls to message me himself. Out of respect for my GF, I didn't message him either. That was the point when I felt like she started distancing herself. At the beach that day she was distant. Pulling away from me when I was trying to kiss her. Other times kissing me...
A day or two after, she tells me that she wants to take a couple steps back and that we moved too fast. She's telling me that she's battling within herself, her heart and mind. I try to pull back but she's still messaging me, all through out the day (we talk that way about 95% of the time, through messages). So I jump back in and it seems okay for a day or so. Then the next day she's telling me it's not going to work, that she jumped into a relationship way to fast after recently just leaving her ex. I feel like these things are all excuses and that there's more going on than what I'm seeing. Again though, she's still sending me messages. She's telling me about all her self doubts and saying that she's difficult. But all at the same time she's telling me that she cares for me and we've got to try and make this work. It's so confusing, I cant figure it out. So I'm trying to ignore her, which just seems to make her send more. I always give in and respond to her. We had made plans for her to come over and talk to me, three nights this week, but each time she cancels. I know if I would have gotten to see her, one on one, it would have strengthened us.
I feel like all thats going on with her family has caused some distress, but after her ex found out is when everything seemed to come crashing down. Yesterday, I had been ignoring her all day, though still getting non stop messages from her. At one point she was even saying things that we say to each other when we're flirting. Then eventually she says she has something for me, that she's going to come over later and leave it on my front porch if I'm not home. At that point I responded and told her I would be home. I told her to message me when she was on her way. Later, she sends the message letting me know she was on her way. So she gets here and gives me a perfume sprayed card, in which she tells me she loves me, but also explains why we can't be together. She was crying, hugging me, holding my hands, she kissed my neck. Then she had to leave because her daughter woke up and started crying....
Even now, after last night, she's still sending me messages. As recently as 3 minutes ago. She keeps trying to explain why we can't be together, like she's not only trying to convince me but also herself. I'm trying to ignore her at this point. I told her I can't keep talking to her if it's not going to work out, because that's just damaging to me.
I know she suffers from depression and has attempted suicide in the past. I can see that she is emotionally damaged, but I still love her. I can't help it. I see so much beauty in her. I really don't know what to do. I'm having my "feeling sorry for myself moments" way to frequently.
I'm getting advice from people who know me and know her. Mixed advice and definitely biased advice as well. I really just need some input from some outside sources. I'm struggling here and I don't know what to do. I'm so confused by all of this. I can't wrap my mind around everything and look at things from all angles, because of my feelings for her. I just don't understand how it went from 100 to 0 so fast. It doesn't make any sense to me. She's telling me she loves me but needs time for herself. Who runs from feelings like that? I don't get it.
Is this whole thing lost? What can I do, if anything, to fix this?
Anything anyone can offer, feedback, advice, opinions, whatever, is highly appreciated.
Thanks for reading. Apologies for the length.
Brian.
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