Relationships, friends... loss of interest

[kapheen']

I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to find someone who I'm interested in spending any significant amount of time with. I currently have a girlfriend, it's kind of a long distance relationship. She lives a few hours away. We have the capability to see each other every week. Usually she comes to my place and stays for a couple days. But I can't seem to keep myself focused. I always seem to find things that I don't necessarily like. She was great at first... but now there's a couple things that I just can't get over, and in turn I've drifted. I know she senses that something is wrong, I'm not entirely certain why, but I haven't broken up with her yet. She's not very good in bed and only likes it missionary. So the sex has gotten boring already. We've tried other ways but she just doesn't get into it, AT ALL. Just locks her body and doesn't make a sound. Obviously for a man that's no good. For me, I get off BIG time when I know my girl is being satisfied. She's sexy, nice body, she has breast implants AND she squirts (which is a huge turn on for me). I'm over it though. I really hate to sound like I'm putting her down, because she's got a great heart, but her level of intelligence just isn't there for what I'd like it to be. Not that she's stupid, because she's not, she's just a 35 y/o girl who likes to smoke weed and have a good time. I'm 39, and not that I don't like having a good time, I'm just a little further along with things I think. I don't have problems getting girls. I just NEVER can seem to stick with one and I don't know why. I've always got reasons as to why I'm unhappy with the situation. Am I being too picky? I want to settle down. Lately I've completely lost interest with social situations, I don't spend time with my friends, I just sit at home and literally do nothing - Fuck around on my PC, my phone, or watch something on TV. Is this common, this type of behavior? I've been wondering if I'm depressed, that's also part of why I haven't broken up with my GF yet. I have hope that this will pass, but I'm not so sure. In the beginning we talked all day every day, seeming to have to much in common, but now I avoid talking to her... idk. Thoughts? Opinions?

 

[stovepipe]

I can somewhat relate. You might be a little picky, but at the end of the day, you want what you want. The comes a point where if you're sifting through women and never finding one you can settle with, then Id say it's you. Only you can answer that one. As for the laying around and not hanging out with friends, thats a clear sign of depression. I suffer from the EXACT same thing. My Dr prescribed me meds for it but I am very skeptical in taking it. Also have almost zero motivation to do anything anymore.

 

[kapheen']

I'm also a bit lacking in the motivation department. Maybe I should speak to my doctor and see what's good as far as SSRIs (which I hate) or any other possible alternatives. I've thought about this a few times, though I didn't want to make that jump.. I've been on various anti-depressants in the past. I never liked them much. Left me too numb. I will say tho, they did help with the panic/anxiety attacks I was having at the time.

As for being too picky, I don't deny it. I've always told myself I wouldn't settle. I don't want to be that schmo that stays with someone, unhappily, because he fears change or fears he can't find better. I'm not expecting to find perfect, just someone more compatible to me. I used to date girls much younger. Before my current gf I was dating a 22 y/o girl. I've pretty much lost hope for that though, the level of maturity was lacking severely... also, and actually more importantly, their priorities are much different at that age.. at least as far as my experience goes.

 

[silly_gal]

My thoughts were that maybe you are suffering from depression. Even possibly a mild case. If that's what's going on then that could be the cause for a lot of the "pickiness" you just aren't happy in general so you can't find someone that makes you happy. The old saying goes, you can't love someone until you fully love yourself. It's a hard chore though, even when you don't have depression. I'd say talk to the doc, see what his opinion is, If you get meds and still feel like it's not happening then go from there. But one step at a time. Good luck to you. And I wouldn't feel bad that you feel "picky" like the one person said, you want what you want. I mean, relationships are about so much more than just one thing, like sex. If you don't connect with someone spiritually or mentally, or on a intelligence level then that's going to affect every aspect, if you ask me. YOu know some things can be overlooked, but at the same time, there are things that can't be overlooked. Sounds like your girl has a rocking body but what good is that if she's not into sex? You can stare at her I guess, but really what's the point in that? lol To me there is nothing better than connecting with a person on multiple levels and then engaging in mind blowing sex, and just feeling incredible. My boyfriend and I used to be that way, but now it's changed and it's like the sex is not what it used to be. Because our relationship is not what it used to be. Just going through the motions but the connection is misplaced and not there. sucks for sure. Especially when you know what it COULD be like and then what it is now. Again good luck, and definitely talk to the dr.

 

[stovepipe]

I'm also a bit lacking in the motivation department. Maybe I should speak to my doctor and see what's good as far as SSRIs (which I hate) or any other possible alternatives. I've thought about this a few times, though I didn't want to make that jump.. I've been on various anti-depressants in the past. I never liked them much. Left me too numb. I will say tho, they did help with the panic/anxiety attacks I was having at the time.

As for being too picky, I don't deny it. I've always told myself I wouldn't settle. I don't want to be that schmo that stays with someone, unhappily, because he fears change or fears he can't find better. I'm not expecting to find perfect, just someone more compatible to me. I used to date girls much younger. Before my current gf I was dating a 22 y/o girl. I've pretty much lost hope for that though, the level of maturity was lacking severely... also, and actually more importantly, their priorities are much different at that age.. at least as far as my experience goes.

I wish I had your problem of never having a problem getting girls. I suffer from extreme BDD which has prevented me from actuivaly seeking a women. I always waited for it to come to me. I always told myself I wouldn't ever get married of settle either. I finally broke down after 6 years and gave this girl a chance. I feel in love with her. After a year the real her came out. She took me for granted and put me through so much stress that I literally at times thought I was going to have a heart attack. She asked me to marry her 100's of times but knew deep in my heart it wouldn't work in the long run.

I broke up with her cause of all the bs she kept putting me through. When things were good, they were amazing. Like you said, overtime one becomes uphappy and stays for all the wrong reasons. That was me, i was kissing her ass because of my BDD thinking I wouldn't ever in my life find anyone better. I was unhappy most of the time. Only thing that made me stick around as long as I did was because the sex was so good.

Im close to your age now. I have zero motivation to do ANYTHING. Cut off most my friends, hate my family, starting to hate humans in general, few friends I have left invite me to go out but I dont. I just lay around on the computer, watch tv and eat crap on top of doing drugs to help cope with my depression. Seems the older you get the more you realize how hard it is to be in a relationship while being truly happy.

Its so much work, stress, money and all the other bs involved. People always seem perfect in the beginning, but then change into something you dont like. I need help, badly, I am on a destructive path and If I continue I probably won't see 40. Take it from me, you suffer from depression, go seek help if you want change. Admitting you have it is the first step in treating it. I have no insurance so Im basically fucked. I also look my parents. All they do is complain about each other almost 24/7. They dont sleep in the same bed or are intimate. I've told each of my parents If i was them I would have walked alway years ago. I know misery loves company, but Id rather much be alone then stay with someone for all the wrong reasons. Good luck brotha

 

[pofacedhoe]

sound a bit depressed and afraid of commitment but also like you have not met someone you want to be with forever. do you think these three things are maybe linked for once?

at 39 and male you could settle down at 42. a shit sex life for me is a no no personally. if its lame to begin with it will never be amazing. some can be learned a lot of talent and aptitude is innate. like the ability to dance or paint.

dont beat yourself up. also SSRI's will make you fat and complacent potentially (its what i've seen them do to me and a lot of people) and make u okay with a shitty sex life or being bored generally.

get a new hobby do some exercise. get out into nature and go for a walk somewhere beautiful. sitting on PC waste of your life. (oh the irony!)

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

^Mhmm and to piggyback on this..

What do you like to do for fun? Try new things... find your passion.

 

[theMerovingian]

Walks in nature, moderate exercise like long distance walks, some cycling. Nature and when you appreciate all the colour out there it will make you smile. Like I went for a walk with my dad in the woods about two weeks ago and it was just beatuiful. Peaceful and tranquil. Hobbies whether its reading, writing, photography.

I use my laptop a lot but I watch no tv and I recommend that. TV from my experience mate makes us into sheep and act with a herd mentality. Thats my own views but again I can be at fault with some things. Sounds like depression as I kinda suffer from what you described with one BUT. You can get chicks like nOt my case AND so I'm resigned to that and just do what i do like never going happen so yea just have tO get on with that fact. A lot of people would envy your situation if you can score and women or a partner if you getme. Many people are so alone in society and left in the cold. I hope you can pull through and take every day one at a time. As I say same shit different day.

Peace

 

[kapheen']

Thanks for all the replies. I hear what all of you are saying. I definitely think I'm a bit depressed. I've done the "working out" thing, exercise, healthy eating. I always seem to fall off after awhile. Honestly, I don't have many hobbies at this point in my life. I cultivate mushrooms (lol), that's pretty much my only REAL hobby.

So, I went on a date last night with a girl I met on tinder. It was one of those situations where her pictures didn't match up to what she looked like in reality. She was overweight, more so than I'm accustomed to liking. I don't mind a little "extra" in certain areas, but it was too much for me and very disappointing. I don't understand what these girls are thinking, advertising themselves as someone they're not. Like what do you expect to happen when you finally meet? Did you expect your deciet would go unnoticed? I don't fucking get it.
This is going to sound horrible, but I haven't broken up with my GF yet. We're hardly talking at this point. Couple messages throughout the day and maybe a 5 minute call during the evening. She's very aware that things just aren't the same, yet holding on to hope desperately. I was kind of hoping she would get fed up and call it quits herself, but that doesn't seem to be happening. So now I'm tossing around the idea of how exactly to let her down. I know there's no way to avoid the hurt associated with the break up indefinitely, but there are ways to minimize it. So, analyzing the current situation, I think I'm going to just explain that I can't work with the distance - that it's just too much for me. I would much rather date someone I can see when I want to, someone I can call and say "hey, lets get dinner tonight"... I don't think I'm afraid of commitment, I do, however, have a hard time choosing to settle down with someone. I look at the situation in it's entirety and decide whether or not it's worth trying for. That's when I see the obsticals, see the points where it becomes too complicated to bother pursuing any further.... fuck. idk.

Stovepipe, best of wishes to you, bro. I really hope you can get yourself out of that slump. There has to be some way you can get yourself some professional help. Maybe the lack of motivation is keeping you from doing the research you need to do? I don't know where you're from, but here in NY, there are ways to get medical care. Sometimes it takes a bit of effort and a little time. Trust me tho, there are ALWAYS options. Fuck, they have something called charity care for the people who don't qualify for insurance because their income is too much, but also too little to afford it on their own. Look into your options, bro. Good luck.

I've scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist this coming Tuesday. I'm going to discuss what's going on and see what my options are. I agree with you, pofacedhoe, about the SSRIs. I've been on a number of them throughout my journey. Never liked them much. I do think I'm depressed though. I just hope I can get to the bottom of this before I let myself go completely.

P.L.U.R. (wow, I haven't said that in YEARS. Seems ancient now)