This is crazy to be typing, but I did indeed relapse after 5.5 years of recovery and sobriety.
I'll give some back story as best I can.
I was actively in AA, but I quit going to meetings during start of pandemic. But I still stayed heavily connected with other recovering addicts both in AA and other fellowships. I still maintained spiritual fitness, and still worked on my self the best I could.
I never had any desire to use during the 2 years of pandemic or whatever it was. In fact I've not had a desire to use at all except for year 1 and 2 of recovery.
So up to speed with where I am now, I was dating a girl who I happened to like quite a lot. We hadn't been dating crazy long, few months, but I saw a future with her. She was inviting me to wedding showers and all these social events with friends and family.
Everything that would say aw hell yeah this going great. Well out of no where day after she was over and we went to dinner and hungout at my place she ends it all over a text.
Bro I was fucking devastated. It felt so dirty and sudden. She didn't even give me a good reason AND she didn't do it in person to top it off.
I do believe this was the beginning of the end for me. I was feeling an emotional void I don't think I had experienced up until this point. I had other girls I had liked that didn't work out, and I'd pick myself up and move on. But it did seem to get harder each time. This one just seemed to be too much for me.
Afterwards I was just so sad. So defeated. I felt so useless, so hopeless, and so purposeless. And not cause this girl Is just that amazing, its more so because I feel like what the fuck am I doing in life then? I can't find anyone, no relationship works out for me. Like clearly I'm doing something wrong or there is som3thing wrong with me.
My mind goes dark fast but I don't disagree with the things it says if that makes sense. Like there Is no way I can go my whole life single and living alone and being content. No fucking way man.
So these thoughts are going on and then I thought it was a good idea to binge watch Intervention and the season on the heroin triangle. Solely because that's my area and I know all about it quite well.
I don't do heroin. I hate heroin, so in my mind I'm thinking this is no big deal. Wrong. Every time a rig was used it just rustled my head a little more, and a little more. Then before I know it I realize I'm thinking about doing a shot regularly. And I'm fighting it off best I can.
I'd feel better after a while then it would return. Any addict can relate to this. Then somewhere along the line I succumbed. Just 3pm on a Saturday I was playing a video game, stood up and got In my car and drove into ATL. Scored coke from some random dude in the hood, and so begins my 12 hours straight of shooting coke.
Then I did it again....
But the worst part is I don't know if I want to quit. After all this time and all the work and all the bullshit I'm just kinda over life right now.
I'm struggling to see the point, I'm struggling to see the reasoning. I've NEVER felt like I belonged. Ever. It's gotten slightly better but I still often feel like an outside.
I wish I could go back to when I was teenager and never touch hard drugs for the first time. Shit has felt like nothing but a curse my whole life. And the people who say its a gift they can give back to people blah blah. Yeah fuckin right dude, if you're really honest with yourself that shit is a goddamn curse
Idk where I'm going with this. TLDR: Relapsed after 5 years. Still actively using off and on. Not every day, maybe once a week right now at most. Mixture of super depressed but also enjoying it? Needed to vent somewhere safe that won't result in instant consequences.
I'll give some back story as best I can.
I was actively in AA, but I quit going to meetings during start of pandemic. But I still stayed heavily connected with other recovering addicts both in AA and other fellowships. I still maintained spiritual fitness, and still worked on my self the best I could.
I never had any desire to use during the 2 years of pandemic or whatever it was. In fact I've not had a desire to use at all except for year 1 and 2 of recovery.
So up to speed with where I am now, I was dating a girl who I happened to like quite a lot. We hadn't been dating crazy long, few months, but I saw a future with her. She was inviting me to wedding showers and all these social events with friends and family.
Everything that would say aw hell yeah this going great. Well out of no where day after she was over and we went to dinner and hungout at my place she ends it all over a text.
Bro I was fucking devastated. It felt so dirty and sudden. She didn't even give me a good reason AND she didn't do it in person to top it off.
I do believe this was the beginning of the end for me. I was feeling an emotional void I don't think I had experienced up until this point. I had other girls I had liked that didn't work out, and I'd pick myself up and move on. But it did seem to get harder each time. This one just seemed to be too much for me.
Afterwards I was just so sad. So defeated. I felt so useless, so hopeless, and so purposeless. And not cause this girl Is just that amazing, its more so because I feel like what the fuck am I doing in life then? I can't find anyone, no relationship works out for me. Like clearly I'm doing something wrong or there is som3thing wrong with me.
My mind goes dark fast but I don't disagree with the things it says if that makes sense. Like there Is no way I can go my whole life single and living alone and being content. No fucking way man.
So these thoughts are going on and then I thought it was a good idea to binge watch Intervention and the season on the heroin triangle. Solely because that's my area and I know all about it quite well.
I don't do heroin. I hate heroin, so in my mind I'm thinking this is no big deal. Wrong. Every time a rig was used it just rustled my head a little more, and a little more. Then before I know it I realize I'm thinking about doing a shot regularly. And I'm fighting it off best I can.
I'd feel better after a while then it would return. Any addict can relate to this. Then somewhere along the line I succumbed. Just 3pm on a Saturday I was playing a video game, stood up and got In my car and drove into ATL. Scored coke from some random dude in the hood, and so begins my 12 hours straight of shooting coke.
Then I did it again....
But the worst part is I don't know if I want to quit. After all this time and all the work and all the bullshit I'm just kinda over life right now.
I'm struggling to see the point, I'm struggling to see the reasoning. I've NEVER felt like I belonged. Ever. It's gotten slightly better but I still often feel like an outside.
I wish I could go back to when I was teenager and never touch hard drugs for the first time. Shit has felt like nothing but a curse my whole life. And the people who say its a gift they can give back to people blah blah. Yeah fuckin right dude, if you're really honest with yourself that shit is a goddamn curse
Idk where I'm going with this. TLDR: Relapsed after 5 years. Still actively using off and on. Not every day, maybe once a week right now at most. Mixture of super depressed but also enjoying it? Needed to vent somewhere safe that won't result in instant consequences.
