kittenkween
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2019
- Messages
- 1
Hey guys,
I am new here. Just felt extremely nervous about seeing my dad today for the second time this year. Just to give some context, he blocked me off Whatsapp and Facebook in March because I went to BurningMan (afrikaburn). I am 24 years old . I beat a xanax addiction a year ago
My dad cancelled the lease to the apartment I was staying in as he entered it with a spare key while at work and it was untidy. I pay 80 percent of the rent - but the contract is under his name so he has control. I do not have a car, hence me living closer to work and it being pricey. My parents are quiet wealthy and enjoy controlling me with finance and fear. My dad emailed me saying I must meet him tonight with a written piece on how I will remain sober off everything (including cannabis and alcohol forever). They have enforced a FORENSIC HAIR DRUG TEST in december if I want to go home for chirstmas. Drugs I still use? coke most weekends, mdma now and then, same with acid. I enjoy ketamine now and again. I am employed, have kept the same job for 2plus years now. I suffer from PTSD and Anxiety, I smoke weed every day, all the time to keep my anxiety and flashbacks at bay. My parents believe I must be sober and in this letter I am appealing to them to accept me, even if I smoke weed. I even chose to stop using class A drugs for their drug test
I am seeing my dad tonight. Any better way of going about this? I am so tired of this ongoing struggle
here is my response:
Hi Dad,
It would seem we once find ourselves in an extremely uncomfortable position once again. First off, I am sorry you saw my apartment in that state. It was my friend’s birthday and they only left that morning - without helping me clean. I was super annoyed as my apartment is really never that messy anymore and I feel like they didn’t respect my boundaries as I asked them to leave the previous night. Regardless, I am sorry.
I will not even start trying to defend myself in the situation of the messy flat that you inspected. I just do not believe you can just come into my living space without notice, and make decisions based on my life, that you have chosen to have no part of.
Now I know you are going to say “I pay X amount every month for your flat”. I am not speaking about financial involvement. I am talking about as a figure of emotional support. Or a family figure. Just being involved in my life you would have actually noticed an exponential improvement in me coping without using substance all the time. It is easy for my colleagues to notice, easy for old friends to notice. But my Dad? How would he notice if he chose not to see me this whole year after I attended AfrikaBurn . Did you just expect me to become perfect and recovered with little to no family support? Clean/Neat/Sober/Perfect? Sorry that is not what you found when you barged into my apartment without notice.
I haven't seen you in over MONTHS Dad. If we are talking about respecting boundaries then let me please add that every single counselor/psychiatrist I have spoken to thinks it is a complete invasion of privacy to just enter my place without notice. I KNOW you pay towards the flat Dad. I KNOW you have the money. But does money supersede respecting a 24 year woman’s old basic privacy? You just go in there, making decisions about who I am - not knowing what happened before - or that a maid was scheduled for that afternoon? Or that I was begging my friends to leave earlier so I could clean? Or that IT DOESN”T GET LIKE THAT EVERY DAY?
So let me not cry over spilt milk here. I realise there is no use in trying to communicate why the flat looked like that, or how its normal state is nothing near what you saw. So let us discuss the way forward. I realise you have cancelled the lease and I have gathered you do not really want to play or pay a part of my life as it is not going the way you’d like to see it going. And that is fine. It is your money, your decisions. Who am I to tell you how is best to go forward for my recovery ? It is my recovery and I cannot expect you and Mom to keep helping me afford environments that are ideal for me to be sober in.
I do really want to thank you for helping me afford Knightsbridge this year. This year was possibly the most stable I have felt as an adult - being completely off benzos, living in a safe and beautiful place without and strange Durban boys to cause debilitating anxiety, the lack of fear running from faulty myciti to the next. I do not think you’ll ever know how much this move had helped me - and I know you didn’t have to help me. Really, thank you Dad. I am so sad I have to leave Knightsbridge. It was an absolute dream living there. I understand your reasons for the contract termination - I do wish you went a different way about entering my flat.
Talking about the way forward, I think it is important to note my progress till now. I am just over a year clean of regular benzo use. What I mean by that, is that for a whole 2 years before that - I was doped up on a minimum of 5mg of xanax every single day . That is 5 times the regular dose, but what did I care? It was the only thing that kept my anxious racing thoughts at bay. Memories that were meant to be suppressed never jumped out at me, I had the ability to sleep normally without night terrors . I had absolutely no idea how deeply addicted to benzos I was - and almost 90% of the shit that happened in my life is somehow linked to benzo use. That thought really messes me up. It was a vicious cycle. Blackouts, then using more to erase what I could eventually remember. My entire life was driven only by those devilish blue pills.
I do not even want to begin to explain how difficult it was stopping Xanax. I am still not the same person I was before I was prescribed them. My anxiety is through the roof in a sober state - hand tremors and night terrors. I am still learning to slow my thoughts naturally. Point is, I managed to get off of them. Tapered down for a few months to avoid the worst withdrawals and I have managed to stay clear of them, even when they are right in my face.
I feel like everyone who was in my life during the time of my benzo addiction have noticed a vast improvement in my general well being and appearance. I barely ate in that disgusting house last year because I was so scared of the people I lived with for numerous reasons. Apart from learning normal healthy eating patterns and gaining weight, dropping the xanax addiction and trying to move my friends groups - I NEVER once noticed one “well done” or “we can see you are getting better”. However people who barely even know me can see a vast improvement. These words of approval are SO important to me. You have no idea how much you and mom’s opinion of me actually affects my mental state. Your post-afrikaburn estrangement has caused me an extremely low self esteem Dad. I know you are serious about sobriety and how I present myself when out and about, but blocking me out of your life because of an art festival? Really makes me feel worthless as a daughter.
So I was told my next chance of connecting with you would be after a FORENSIC HAIR DRUG TEST. Let me not begin telling you how absolutely degrading and ridiculous that you are using a test of this magnitude on me ( you know it is reserved for court cases/ divorces and criminal cases? ) Nonetheless. I will try almost anything to be able to have my family back. So, I stopped using drugs - even though you were not there for me in any sense (except the flat financials) I tried. I cut out toxic friends.
Let me cut to the chase? You wanted an essay on how I am going to be completely sober (including weed and alcohol) for the rest of my life? NO CHEMICAL DRUGS ARE IN ME NOW DAD. Despite you cancelling the lease, and basically withdrawing all involvement in my life - I still want to show you I am off these drugs.
As for the part of the email where you wanted me to motivate as to how I am going to keep sober (including weed and alcohol) for the rest of my life. Just to avoid any dishonesty or disappointments - I do not aspire to remain completely sober for the rest of my life. Before you freak out, please realise that I know what addiction looks like - I have been in the deepest darkest pit of it and came out alive. As for alcohol, I am avoiding it , not only for your drug test but I can admit it does not have the best effect on my personality - and it is a risk factor for using other substances - like cocaine.
I want to avoid substances that are DESTRUCTIVE. What I mean by that is, substances that have the ability to cause amnesia/blackouts/aggression and blurred judgement. Alcohol is similar to xanax in the way that it is a depressant that can actually affect your intake of memory - therefore making it a substance that is easy to abuse. So yes, I am avoiding drinking for now Dad. This is because I am serious about my sobriety from cocaine too. I realise it is unfair of me to expect you to love or accept someone who is using illegal Class A drugs. So from that perspective - I am changing. And I am grateful for this test because it forced me to get out of the social pattern of using coke every now and then as it was always around me - it was so normalised in my brain I did not realise how much of a toll it was taking on my mental health. Now that I am off it, I have less mood swings, less drama in friends groups and less bouts of depression and hypersomnia.
As for cannabis, this is going to be one concept you are going to struggle to accept. Cannabis is now legal for people over the age of 21 to grow, cultivate, smoke, eat or drink in this country. Have I ever abused cannabis in the past? Yes. In first/second year I was very much abusing cannabis in the way that I never allowed myself to be sober. From the time I woke, till the time I slept, I was constantly high. It was a plaster on my wound of lack of identity. I used pot as a way to make friends, have status and numb responsibility.
I do not abuse cannabis like that anymore. My use of this plant is now mainly for medicinal purposes - at night time to combat my insomnia, not only that, but to combat my night terrors that come as a symptom of PTSD that Karder diagnosed me with. What makes Cannabis unique to all the sleeping pills I have been prescribed before is that it actually PREVENTS nightmares whilst allowing sleep.
Treat underlying symptoms. Often, underlying symptoms are the cause of night terrors. These can include but are not limited to, anxiety, stress, breathing disorders such as sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome and PTSD
There are many options for treating the above symptoms, but studies have shown that CBD can help alleviate many of these conditions including anxiety, PTSD, and sleep apnea. [SEE REFERENCE WEBSITE]
Also, does it make me a bad person if I want to unwind after a week of hard work at the office by having a toke and watch the sunset with friends?
I am not sure why you and Mom are so obsessive about me not using cannabis when you use CBD every night. Does THC make me a bad person? It’s not going to leave me blacked out or impulsive - if anything the risk behaviour with weed would be overeating or sleeping too early.
My point is, I know my life is not going to shit. I want a normal life - I don’t want to be “Hi there, I am chloe and I am an addict therefore I am sober” for the rest of my life? I want to put this addict page behind me. I admit I had a problem with xanax, AND THAT IS IT. I am sick to death of this whole “substance disorder” shit now. I am not addicted to chemical drugs. I am not an alcoholic. Therefore, I will proceed with my life like a normal human - obviously avoiding binge drinking. I want to be a cultured adult that is able to enjoy a drink on the weekend with her friends
I seriously think it would be easier for you and Mom to learn to accept who I am one day - instead of this endless war against who I am and what I do. I do believe you and mom are good people, but at the same time, I do not think I am a bad person either. We are just different to the core. It's not just substance - I have always been a bit alternative for you.
So this is my admission to you about who I am, what I was involved with, and who I am now. Take me , or leave me. I would love to have a relationship with you and Mom. You have no idea how detrimental your absence as a person in my life has been. I miss home, I miss the dogs, I miss my brothers, I miss Mom and I miss you. Maybe a life of complete sobriety would seem easier if I had the stability of being able to see my family or have a relationship with them.
I know I owe you for university. I am still working on making more money to eventually pay you back. I am still thankful for everything you have given me in my life and I am sorry I did not turn out into the daughter you and Mom wanted. I really hope we can meet at a middle ground. I want my parents in my life.
No more lies. No more illegal drugs. This is me. Take it or leave it
All my love
I am new here. Just felt extremely nervous about seeing my dad today for the second time this year. Just to give some context, he blocked me off Whatsapp and Facebook in March because I went to BurningMan (afrikaburn). I am 24 years old . I beat a xanax addiction a year ago
My dad cancelled the lease to the apartment I was staying in as he entered it with a spare key while at work and it was untidy. I pay 80 percent of the rent - but the contract is under his name so he has control. I do not have a car, hence me living closer to work and it being pricey. My parents are quiet wealthy and enjoy controlling me with finance and fear. My dad emailed me saying I must meet him tonight with a written piece on how I will remain sober off everything (including cannabis and alcohol forever). They have enforced a FORENSIC HAIR DRUG TEST in december if I want to go home for chirstmas. Drugs I still use? coke most weekends, mdma now and then, same with acid. I enjoy ketamine now and again. I am employed, have kept the same job for 2plus years now. I suffer from PTSD and Anxiety, I smoke weed every day, all the time to keep my anxiety and flashbacks at bay. My parents believe I must be sober and in this letter I am appealing to them to accept me, even if I smoke weed. I even chose to stop using class A drugs for their drug test
I am seeing my dad tonight. Any better way of going about this? I am so tired of this ongoing struggle
here is my response:
Hi Dad,
It would seem we once find ourselves in an extremely uncomfortable position once again. First off, I am sorry you saw my apartment in that state. It was my friend’s birthday and they only left that morning - without helping me clean. I was super annoyed as my apartment is really never that messy anymore and I feel like they didn’t respect my boundaries as I asked them to leave the previous night. Regardless, I am sorry.
I will not even start trying to defend myself in the situation of the messy flat that you inspected. I just do not believe you can just come into my living space without notice, and make decisions based on my life, that you have chosen to have no part of.
Now I know you are going to say “I pay X amount every month for your flat”. I am not speaking about financial involvement. I am talking about as a figure of emotional support. Or a family figure. Just being involved in my life you would have actually noticed an exponential improvement in me coping without using substance all the time. It is easy for my colleagues to notice, easy for old friends to notice. But my Dad? How would he notice if he chose not to see me this whole year after I attended AfrikaBurn . Did you just expect me to become perfect and recovered with little to no family support? Clean/Neat/Sober/Perfect? Sorry that is not what you found when you barged into my apartment without notice.
I haven't seen you in over MONTHS Dad. If we are talking about respecting boundaries then let me please add that every single counselor/psychiatrist I have spoken to thinks it is a complete invasion of privacy to just enter my place without notice. I KNOW you pay towards the flat Dad. I KNOW you have the money. But does money supersede respecting a 24 year woman’s old basic privacy? You just go in there, making decisions about who I am - not knowing what happened before - or that a maid was scheduled for that afternoon? Or that I was begging my friends to leave earlier so I could clean? Or that IT DOESN”T GET LIKE THAT EVERY DAY?
So let me not cry over spilt milk here. I realise there is no use in trying to communicate why the flat looked like that, or how its normal state is nothing near what you saw. So let us discuss the way forward. I realise you have cancelled the lease and I have gathered you do not really want to play or pay a part of my life as it is not going the way you’d like to see it going. And that is fine. It is your money, your decisions. Who am I to tell you how is best to go forward for my recovery ? It is my recovery and I cannot expect you and Mom to keep helping me afford environments that are ideal for me to be sober in.
I do really want to thank you for helping me afford Knightsbridge this year. This year was possibly the most stable I have felt as an adult - being completely off benzos, living in a safe and beautiful place without and strange Durban boys to cause debilitating anxiety, the lack of fear running from faulty myciti to the next. I do not think you’ll ever know how much this move had helped me - and I know you didn’t have to help me. Really, thank you Dad. I am so sad I have to leave Knightsbridge. It was an absolute dream living there. I understand your reasons for the contract termination - I do wish you went a different way about entering my flat.
Talking about the way forward, I think it is important to note my progress till now. I am just over a year clean of regular benzo use. What I mean by that, is that for a whole 2 years before that - I was doped up on a minimum of 5mg of xanax every single day . That is 5 times the regular dose, but what did I care? It was the only thing that kept my anxious racing thoughts at bay. Memories that were meant to be suppressed never jumped out at me, I had the ability to sleep normally without night terrors . I had absolutely no idea how deeply addicted to benzos I was - and almost 90% of the shit that happened in my life is somehow linked to benzo use. That thought really messes me up. It was a vicious cycle. Blackouts, then using more to erase what I could eventually remember. My entire life was driven only by those devilish blue pills.
I do not even want to begin to explain how difficult it was stopping Xanax. I am still not the same person I was before I was prescribed them. My anxiety is through the roof in a sober state - hand tremors and night terrors. I am still learning to slow my thoughts naturally. Point is, I managed to get off of them. Tapered down for a few months to avoid the worst withdrawals and I have managed to stay clear of them, even when they are right in my face.
I feel like everyone who was in my life during the time of my benzo addiction have noticed a vast improvement in my general well being and appearance. I barely ate in that disgusting house last year because I was so scared of the people I lived with for numerous reasons. Apart from learning normal healthy eating patterns and gaining weight, dropping the xanax addiction and trying to move my friends groups - I NEVER once noticed one “well done” or “we can see you are getting better”. However people who barely even know me can see a vast improvement. These words of approval are SO important to me. You have no idea how much you and mom’s opinion of me actually affects my mental state. Your post-afrikaburn estrangement has caused me an extremely low self esteem Dad. I know you are serious about sobriety and how I present myself when out and about, but blocking me out of your life because of an art festival? Really makes me feel worthless as a daughter.
So I was told my next chance of connecting with you would be after a FORENSIC HAIR DRUG TEST. Let me not begin telling you how absolutely degrading and ridiculous that you are using a test of this magnitude on me ( you know it is reserved for court cases/ divorces and criminal cases? ) Nonetheless. I will try almost anything to be able to have my family back. So, I stopped using drugs - even though you were not there for me in any sense (except the flat financials) I tried. I cut out toxic friends.
Let me cut to the chase? You wanted an essay on how I am going to be completely sober (including weed and alcohol) for the rest of my life? NO CHEMICAL DRUGS ARE IN ME NOW DAD. Despite you cancelling the lease, and basically withdrawing all involvement in my life - I still want to show you I am off these drugs.
As for the part of the email where you wanted me to motivate as to how I am going to keep sober (including weed and alcohol) for the rest of my life. Just to avoid any dishonesty or disappointments - I do not aspire to remain completely sober for the rest of my life. Before you freak out, please realise that I know what addiction looks like - I have been in the deepest darkest pit of it and came out alive. As for alcohol, I am avoiding it , not only for your drug test but I can admit it does not have the best effect on my personality - and it is a risk factor for using other substances - like cocaine.
I want to avoid substances that are DESTRUCTIVE. What I mean by that is, substances that have the ability to cause amnesia/blackouts/aggression and blurred judgement. Alcohol is similar to xanax in the way that it is a depressant that can actually affect your intake of memory - therefore making it a substance that is easy to abuse. So yes, I am avoiding drinking for now Dad. This is because I am serious about my sobriety from cocaine too. I realise it is unfair of me to expect you to love or accept someone who is using illegal Class A drugs. So from that perspective - I am changing. And I am grateful for this test because it forced me to get out of the social pattern of using coke every now and then as it was always around me - it was so normalised in my brain I did not realise how much of a toll it was taking on my mental health. Now that I am off it, I have less mood swings, less drama in friends groups and less bouts of depression and hypersomnia.
As for cannabis, this is going to be one concept you are going to struggle to accept. Cannabis is now legal for people over the age of 21 to grow, cultivate, smoke, eat or drink in this country. Have I ever abused cannabis in the past? Yes. In first/second year I was very much abusing cannabis in the way that I never allowed myself to be sober. From the time I woke, till the time I slept, I was constantly high. It was a plaster on my wound of lack of identity. I used pot as a way to make friends, have status and numb responsibility.
I do not abuse cannabis like that anymore. My use of this plant is now mainly for medicinal purposes - at night time to combat my insomnia, not only that, but to combat my night terrors that come as a symptom of PTSD that Karder diagnosed me with. What makes Cannabis unique to all the sleeping pills I have been prescribed before is that it actually PREVENTS nightmares whilst allowing sleep.
Treat underlying symptoms. Often, underlying symptoms are the cause of night terrors. These can include but are not limited to, anxiety, stress, breathing disorders such as sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome and PTSD
There are many options for treating the above symptoms, but studies have shown that CBD can help alleviate many of these conditions including anxiety, PTSD, and sleep apnea. [SEE REFERENCE WEBSITE]
Also, does it make me a bad person if I want to unwind after a week of hard work at the office by having a toke and watch the sunset with friends?
I am not sure why you and Mom are so obsessive about me not using cannabis when you use CBD every night. Does THC make me a bad person? It’s not going to leave me blacked out or impulsive - if anything the risk behaviour with weed would be overeating or sleeping too early.
My point is, I know my life is not going to shit. I want a normal life - I don’t want to be “Hi there, I am chloe and I am an addict therefore I am sober” for the rest of my life? I want to put this addict page behind me. I admit I had a problem with xanax, AND THAT IS IT. I am sick to death of this whole “substance disorder” shit now. I am not addicted to chemical drugs. I am not an alcoholic. Therefore, I will proceed with my life like a normal human - obviously avoiding binge drinking. I want to be a cultured adult that is able to enjoy a drink on the weekend with her friends
I seriously think it would be easier for you and Mom to learn to accept who I am one day - instead of this endless war against who I am and what I do. I do believe you and mom are good people, but at the same time, I do not think I am a bad person either. We are just different to the core. It's not just substance - I have always been a bit alternative for you.
So this is my admission to you about who I am, what I was involved with, and who I am now. Take me , or leave me. I would love to have a relationship with you and Mom. You have no idea how detrimental your absence as a person in my life has been. I miss home, I miss the dogs, I miss my brothers, I miss Mom and I miss you. Maybe a life of complete sobriety would seem easier if I had the stability of being able to see my family or have a relationship with them.
I know I owe you for university. I am still working on making more money to eventually pay you back. I am still thankful for everything you have given me in my life and I am sorry I did not turn out into the daughter you and Mom wanted. I really hope we can meet at a middle ground. I want my parents in my life.
No more lies. No more illegal drugs. This is me. Take it or leave it
All my love
