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- Jul 8, 2017
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After my big falling out I decided to reach out to one of the friends I fell out with who I posted about here. I wasn't expecting a positive outcome, but I just was hoping that maybe we could have a phone call about what all went down in December from a more calm position. I messaged J and told him I'd be sending a letter (hopefully to the correct address as I had to search for it) and that he had zero obligation to respond to it, though I would appreciate an indication that he did at least read it.
J responded very positively. He said he would keep an eye out for the letter and that it was great to hear from me. He said he would be willing to do some reflection, set some boundaries and get back on speaking terms. I had stated in the message that the letter would essentially include some relevant points to what happened and the long lead up to it since the beginning of H, J and my friendship which was drenched in toxic 'drama triangle' behaviour. J commented that from my Instagram it seems like I've been doing better and he's been impressed at me cooking food. So he's obviously been silently following.
He read the letter, and said that reading it hadn't put him off engaging with me at all (one of my fears) and that he wanted to schedule a phone call for this week or next before he travels overseas to visit his partner.
Today he messaged me back after I just asked if he would message this week or next and he's calling me this coming Thursday.
The thing is, the letter itself didn't deviate much from my original stance, I just added some significantly important context that was lacking that J was utterly unaware of previously. I maintained entirely that I was confused and not annoyed, like he originally thought, and asked him to reflect upon saying I was overly reliant on people and that I sit around waiting for others to save me. I didn't do it in an accusatory way, I just pointed out the factual argument against that with the clear evidence supporting my position.
I did that for most of the letter. It wasn't aggressive or throwing blame on anyone, not even H. I simply stated the facts I knew, and the experiences I had over the years which illustrated a pattern of behaviour and pointed out that there were in fact *no* boundaries between me and H, and that was actually the problem.
Truthfully I find it hard to believe that J would be responding this positively to a letter which basically restates my original position (in a much more coherent manner) if he hadn't had a significant change of heart about the event over the past few months. The reality is, even me not speaking to him for 3 months may have triggered him reassessing his position as I had never, ever, not once cut contact with him like that ever before. So he probably expected me to come back after a week, then the next week, and maybe after a month he realised I actually meant what I said, and that got him thinking about whether what went down was completely fair on me. I honestly wouldn't put it past him to have spoken to H and not felt entirely convinced by his position and felt somewhat unsure and lacking a solid stance on it. Like he's really torn between two friends here because they're such opposing issues.
I've told him I don't mind if he stays friends with H, if he still wants to - as long as J can acknowledge that what he did was exceptionally hurtful and cruel. But after hearing the significant amount of harsh logical points I have to make about how poor H's behaviour was from the standpoint of behaving like a grown adult, I'm not sure J will really want much to do with him either.
For all his faults, J is an extremely honourable person who is aggressively defensive of his friends. He defended H when he thought I was in the wrong. Perhaps he may defend me once we have our discussion. I'm optimistic. If he'd have read the letter and not had a change of heart, he would have just dismissed me as banging on about the same bullshit as I did when it happened and not taking responsibility for what I did.
Instead, he wants to talk, reflect, create firm boundaries when we reconnect, and move forward together.
I've already decided on my boundaries.
1. He's not to be involved with any rescuing nonsense. It's not his job, he is not qualified. He need to entirely divorce himself from that position entirely and I won't accept anything short of that.
2. He is not to hold himself responsible for any of my self-destructive behaviour. He lives in another state. At best, I will update him post incident if necessary once I have debriefed with professional.
3. He is not to pass comment on me being 'more autistic' or 'more disabled' now than I was prior to my burnout. If he wants to be friends, he needs to accept this version of me in my entirety, autism stimming and all, regardless of how retarded he thinks it may be.
4. He is not to engage in emotional manipulation when I explain that I am trying to understand something and attempt to spin my confusion as anything but confusion. I am sick to death of people like H literally using my autism as a get out of jail free card. H himself stated at one stage that he thought my social deficits (level 3) were overdiagnosed. And yet he couldn't comprehend that perhaps the reason his friend wasn't understanding his bizarre behaviour was because he is, in fact, level 3 and not level 1 like H thought. It's not impossible that if H had stopped and taken a second to remember 'oh yeah E has level 3 social deficits with Autism, maybe he hasn't picked up on my subtle cues about this issue that I left largely unsaid' then maybe none of this would have happened. J is to accept that I am engaging in different types of therapy under the NDIS to better understand and communicate with neurotypical people better, but that shit takes time.
5. Perhaps one of the most important, I will be explaining to J that I am, in fact, listed as a 'vulnerable person' and this leads to frequent manipulation in my life, whether it be dodgy support workers, shitty sexual partners, or yes, even friends (like the dude who told me it was totally cool for me to keep taking a lower dose of my Dexamphetamine so I could continue diverting it to him, because I wanted my friend to be happy). My friends would do well to remember that just because I'm well educated and intelligent, I am indeed very vulerable to exploitation. It's me who gets manipulated by my friends - I don't manipulate them. It's why when I called the dude out for the dexamphetamine he cracked the biggest of tantrums I've ever seen. It's why H practically ignored me for 10 months with interspersed communication when convenient until he needed his house painted. I don't even consider that my friends would *think* to take advantage of my good will, but they do. And J needs to acknowledge that I'm vulnerable and make a point to remember that as well when interacting with me in an effort to ensure no power imbalance establishes itself purely as a result of that. All he needs to do is keep my vulnerability in mind if we have arguments, or if I'm having issues with something he has done. Too many times in the past it took him weeks to apologise for simple things I'd say sorry for at the drop of a hat. My friends who treat me well keep my vulnerability in mind, they make a point not to abuse any power imbalances, and they don't exploit my nature to do whatever my friends want to make them happy because I like making my friends happy. If they want something but it's detrimental to me (a present, but I can't afford it) they will outright tell me they don't want me to do it and explain why. This is a super important boundary, because I am vulnerable for multiple reasons.
6. If he asks me a question and I don't want to answer it, or I want to change the topic of a conversation I'm not comfortable with - that's it. No ifs, ands or buts. No threatening me to cut the conversation off, we just talk about something different. That was how the original power imbalance and lack of boundaries developed and I won't engage in that again. He is not entitled to know everything about my life.
I've asked him to make a list of boundaries he wants to have and I don't imagine there will be any I have an issue with. I imagine they will be regarding hearing about certain issues (which I agree with) or discussing certain topics (which I also agree with). From that end I think we will be in clear agreement.
I will update this thread after the phone call. I am genuinely hopeful about it. All signs point to a positive outcome.
J responded very positively. He said he would keep an eye out for the letter and that it was great to hear from me. He said he would be willing to do some reflection, set some boundaries and get back on speaking terms. I had stated in the message that the letter would essentially include some relevant points to what happened and the long lead up to it since the beginning of H, J and my friendship which was drenched in toxic 'drama triangle' behaviour. J commented that from my Instagram it seems like I've been doing better and he's been impressed at me cooking food. So he's obviously been silently following.
He read the letter, and said that reading it hadn't put him off engaging with me at all (one of my fears) and that he wanted to schedule a phone call for this week or next before he travels overseas to visit his partner.
Today he messaged me back after I just asked if he would message this week or next and he's calling me this coming Thursday.
The thing is, the letter itself didn't deviate much from my original stance, I just added some significantly important context that was lacking that J was utterly unaware of previously. I maintained entirely that I was confused and not annoyed, like he originally thought, and asked him to reflect upon saying I was overly reliant on people and that I sit around waiting for others to save me. I didn't do it in an accusatory way, I just pointed out the factual argument against that with the clear evidence supporting my position.
I did that for most of the letter. It wasn't aggressive or throwing blame on anyone, not even H. I simply stated the facts I knew, and the experiences I had over the years which illustrated a pattern of behaviour and pointed out that there were in fact *no* boundaries between me and H, and that was actually the problem.
Truthfully I find it hard to believe that J would be responding this positively to a letter which basically restates my original position (in a much more coherent manner) if he hadn't had a significant change of heart about the event over the past few months. The reality is, even me not speaking to him for 3 months may have triggered him reassessing his position as I had never, ever, not once cut contact with him like that ever before. So he probably expected me to come back after a week, then the next week, and maybe after a month he realised I actually meant what I said, and that got him thinking about whether what went down was completely fair on me. I honestly wouldn't put it past him to have spoken to H and not felt entirely convinced by his position and felt somewhat unsure and lacking a solid stance on it. Like he's really torn between two friends here because they're such opposing issues.
I've told him I don't mind if he stays friends with H, if he still wants to - as long as J can acknowledge that what he did was exceptionally hurtful and cruel. But after hearing the significant amount of harsh logical points I have to make about how poor H's behaviour was from the standpoint of behaving like a grown adult, I'm not sure J will really want much to do with him either.
For all his faults, J is an extremely honourable person who is aggressively defensive of his friends. He defended H when he thought I was in the wrong. Perhaps he may defend me once we have our discussion. I'm optimistic. If he'd have read the letter and not had a change of heart, he would have just dismissed me as banging on about the same bullshit as I did when it happened and not taking responsibility for what I did.
Instead, he wants to talk, reflect, create firm boundaries when we reconnect, and move forward together.
I've already decided on my boundaries.
1. He's not to be involved with any rescuing nonsense. It's not his job, he is not qualified. He need to entirely divorce himself from that position entirely and I won't accept anything short of that.
2. He is not to hold himself responsible for any of my self-destructive behaviour. He lives in another state. At best, I will update him post incident if necessary once I have debriefed with professional.
3. He is not to pass comment on me being 'more autistic' or 'more disabled' now than I was prior to my burnout. If he wants to be friends, he needs to accept this version of me in my entirety, autism stimming and all, regardless of how retarded he thinks it may be.
4. He is not to engage in emotional manipulation when I explain that I am trying to understand something and attempt to spin my confusion as anything but confusion. I am sick to death of people like H literally using my autism as a get out of jail free card. H himself stated at one stage that he thought my social deficits (level 3) were overdiagnosed. And yet he couldn't comprehend that perhaps the reason his friend wasn't understanding his bizarre behaviour was because he is, in fact, level 3 and not level 1 like H thought. It's not impossible that if H had stopped and taken a second to remember 'oh yeah E has level 3 social deficits with Autism, maybe he hasn't picked up on my subtle cues about this issue that I left largely unsaid' then maybe none of this would have happened. J is to accept that I am engaging in different types of therapy under the NDIS to better understand and communicate with neurotypical people better, but that shit takes time.
5. Perhaps one of the most important, I will be explaining to J that I am, in fact, listed as a 'vulnerable person' and this leads to frequent manipulation in my life, whether it be dodgy support workers, shitty sexual partners, or yes, even friends (like the dude who told me it was totally cool for me to keep taking a lower dose of my Dexamphetamine so I could continue diverting it to him, because I wanted my friend to be happy). My friends would do well to remember that just because I'm well educated and intelligent, I am indeed very vulerable to exploitation. It's me who gets manipulated by my friends - I don't manipulate them. It's why when I called the dude out for the dexamphetamine he cracked the biggest of tantrums I've ever seen. It's why H practically ignored me for 10 months with interspersed communication when convenient until he needed his house painted. I don't even consider that my friends would *think* to take advantage of my good will, but they do. And J needs to acknowledge that I'm vulnerable and make a point to remember that as well when interacting with me in an effort to ensure no power imbalance establishes itself purely as a result of that. All he needs to do is keep my vulnerability in mind if we have arguments, or if I'm having issues with something he has done. Too many times in the past it took him weeks to apologise for simple things I'd say sorry for at the drop of a hat. My friends who treat me well keep my vulnerability in mind, they make a point not to abuse any power imbalances, and they don't exploit my nature to do whatever my friends want to make them happy because I like making my friends happy. If they want something but it's detrimental to me (a present, but I can't afford it) they will outright tell me they don't want me to do it and explain why. This is a super important boundary, because I am vulnerable for multiple reasons.
6. If he asks me a question and I don't want to answer it, or I want to change the topic of a conversation I'm not comfortable with - that's it. No ifs, ands or buts. No threatening me to cut the conversation off, we just talk about something different. That was how the original power imbalance and lack of boundaries developed and I won't engage in that again. He is not entitled to know everything about my life.
I've asked him to make a list of boundaries he wants to have and I don't imagine there will be any I have an issue with. I imagine they will be regarding hearing about certain issues (which I agree with) or discussing certain topics (which I also agree with). From that end I think we will be in clear agreement.
I will update this thread after the phone call. I am genuinely hopeful about it. All signs point to a positive outcome.
