Scared Recent temptations into opiate use

[BourbonMac]

I say scared because well, that's how it felt.
I had major sinus surgery recently and was given oxycodone, 5mg IR. I used them as directed, for the most part, but since I only had 8 I had to be careful about using them.
So I used them up, and started to enjoy the high more and more...

For context, I've been taking care of my mother at the same time who had a major hip replacement surgery and was prescribed the same drug. She offered me 5 or so well after my pain was bad, and I accepted. I started to enjoy the high even more, one night I was in total, complete, numb bliss.

I'm a daily kratom user, so in my mind, this was just replacing the kratom since the kratom would likely not do enough. I find that inaccurate at this point, because this morning with a BRUTAL headache, I took some kratom and it was gone, and I wasn't feeling quite the same level of high as the Oxy.

So what's the scary part? Well, I snuck at least one or two from her pill jar. They don't really help her pain, but still. I feel like total shit knowing that I did this, and I almost did it again tonight, but I stopped myself. I won't take any more of them. Opiates and I are drugs that should not be administered unless there is a genuine need. I likely get my wisdom teeth out later this year and I'm sure they would prescribe something, but I may request tylenol/codeine since that is weaker I'm pretty sure, and tylenol is the better pain reliever in general anyway. The oxycodone was never that helpful for my pain or for my mother.

I just had to get this off my chest. I see this is how addiction to these substances start out. I've always been one to experiment with drugs but this really pushes it for me and I feel ashamed. I'm not ashamed of using kratom because it has a genuine positive impact on my life (mostly) and is incredibly safe. I know when the time to stop using it will come, I will have to, whether it's banned or whether I just decide I no longer need it. I've been using it daily for close to 5 years, I use around 5-6g a day.

I still need to get off of valium too. I've been on it for 4.5 months at 10-15mg. I like this stuff quite a bit, but it really became like, a weed substitute in a stupid way because due to all of my sinus conditions, THC would actually exacerbate my pain, and it was my go-to for anxiety or panic attacks, which were increasingly frequent throughout this absolute hellish year I've had. By far the worst. I shot down benzos from my GP years before this because I knew they had addictive potential, but it reached the point where it was like, I'll probably kill myself if I don't stop some of these horrifying anxiety episodes. Fortunately, I can use cannabis again. I actually started to last month and have only been using it at night.

I think I need a good psychedelic cleansing, really. A friend of mine has heaps of DMT (including vape carts), and to really double down on the THC. I think I will always have a moderate addictive personality, because I don't see myself ever quitting using cannabis for the rest of my life. I just couldn't. It's like a shackle, but it's a shackle with a compass on it that tells me where to go... if that makes sense. Spending 3-4 months without any THC only showed me that my quality of life with it is seriously better, and I never really suffered from any memory problems or any of the stereotypical stuff associated with cannabis use (granted I was smoking like half a gram a day, but still). We all have our ceilings.

I'm not really sure where this is going now, but yeah... was scary to witness myself feeling the temptation to try and take more of the Oxy. She's no longer using them because they don't help her, so I could take all of them if I wanted. But I won't. Fuck no. I'm thankful for kratom in this instance, truly. She was also given Gabapentin for nerve pain but the dose is RETARDEDLY low. 100mg 3 times a day, after a hip replacement. The dude who prescribed that is an idiot. She ran out of them so I gave her quite a few of mine as I have them prescribed for anxiety, 600mg a day. I plan to quit this one sooner or later as it does diddly at this point, but I at least felt good knowing I could've helped her out. Gabapentin is what she needs more than oxycodone.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Fear not and do not feel bad. Every one of us opioid fiends has lifted a few of the family's pills at one point or another. I know I have...and more than once. Yeah, oxy is nice. It was my favorite. It's just so calm and soothing. Totally understand why you like it. I also take only kratom now ( can't be trusted with anything else ) and it works for my issues as well. Slight depression and minor anxiety and some minor muscle pain. Would actually like to have a mild opioid prescribed but I best not tempt fate. I laid everything down a couple years ago and knowing me i would be off and running again.

Don't beat yourself up. What you did was normal for people that like painkillers. You aren't gonna do it again so just put the bottle up somewhere and forget about it. I know you said your Mom doesn't take them so that makes it easier to use them. Put them away and forget they are there or better yet....if you think your Mom will never take another one again.....just pitch them and get rid of the temptation. Good luck and no guilt....okay .

 

[Uknowit4now]

With 30 years of opiate abuse , stop now please man.. you be happy you did.. it eventually brings you nothing but pain.. i think you alreqdy know the trade off.. stay safe, and try your best to stay clean, i hope you can.. of not and you mess up, just pick yourself up and start all over again, its what all of us users have to do unfortunately.
Good luck

 

[BourbonMac]

Thank you.
I'm not a casual opiate user or anything, it's just scary how I was witnessing myself developing the temptation.
I was hit by a car in late 2016 and prescribed oxycodone as well then actually, which I forgot about. It was on the last day that I decided, why not take 2 instead of 1?

It's only a theory, but I have a feeling this activated some sort of addict part of my brain, because I became extremely addicted to caffeine and cannabis for months after that, and months later, I eventually found kratom. I am definitely addicted to kratom, but it's an addiction I can accept because I can control my use. It's not the kind of drug that will just always work. I don't have any good reason to keep using it aside from the relief from anxiety, stress or pain, but I only really take a regular dose during the day, and a small dose at night (in case of RLS). I don't even get the RLS anymore, it's just severe fatigue, so my nighttime dose is really just a ritual I have to break.

I think that's how it is with me and just about any substance. It's mostly psychological, ritual addiction. The idea that consuming X will make me feel Y. I never feel a night time kratom dose, so I have no reason for it, and years back, didn't take any at night at all.

I don't want this stuff to get banned because it really is a wonder drug for anyone who's trying to stay off hard shit, or for people with chronic pain who genuinely do not like opiates and have bad reactions to them. My mother is allergic to most opiates for instance, except oxycodone, but it makes her feel nauseous either way. Her X-rays appeared to be good from her hip replacement though, had some done today, but is still in a lot of pain. I gave her some of my flexerils that I no longer take, then she was given some other muscle relaxer that insurance won't approve till Monday, and Ambien (because she hasn't been sleeping). I think the flexerils should probably knock her out, maybe throw some melatonin her way too.

 

[washingtonbound]

I say scared because well, that's how it felt.
I had major sinus surgery recently and was given oxycodone, 5mg IR. I used them as directed, for the most part, but since I only had 8 I had to be careful about using them.
So I used them up, and started to enjoy the high more and more...

For context, I've been taking care of my mother at the same time who had a major hip replacement surgery and was prescribed the same drug. She offered me 5 or so well after my pain was bad, and I accepted. I started to enjoy the high even more, one night I was in total, complete, numb bliss.

I'm a daily kratom user, so in my mind, this was just replacing the kratom since the kratom would likely not do enough. I find that inaccurate at this point, because this morning with a BRUTAL headache, I took some kratom and it was gone, and I wasn't feeling quite the same level of high as the Oxy.

So what's the scary part? Well, I snuck at least one or two from her pill jar. They don't really help her pain, but still. I feel like total shit knowing that I did this, and I almost did it again tonight, but I stopped myself. I won't take any more of them. Opiates and I are drugs that should not be administered unless there is a genuine need. I likely get my wisdom teeth out later this year and I'm sure they would prescribe something, but I may request tylenol/codeine since that is weaker I'm pretty sure, and tylenol is the better pain reliever in general anyway. The oxycodone was never that helpful for my pain or for my mother.

I just had to get this off my chest. I see this is how addiction to these substances start out. I've always been one to experiment with drugs but this really pushes it for me and I feel ashamed. I'm not ashamed of using kratom because it has a genuine positive impact on my life (mostly) and is incredibly safe. I know when the time to stop using it will come, I will have to, whether it's banned or whether I just decide I no longer need it. I've been using it daily for close to 5 years, I use around 5-6g a day.

I still need to get off of valium too. I've been on it for 4.5 months at 10-15mg. I like this stuff quite a bit, but it really became like, a weed substitute in a stupid way because due to all of my sinus conditions, THC would actually exacerbate my pain, and it was my go-to for anxiety or panic attacks, which were increasingly frequent throughout this absolute hellish year I've had. By far the worst. I shot down benzos from my GP years before this because I knew they had addictive potential, but it reached the point where it was like, I'll probably kill myself if I don't stop some of these horrifying anxiety episodes. Fortunately, I can use cannabis again. I actually started to last month and have only been using it at night.

I think I need a good psychedelic cleansing, really. A friend of mine has heaps of DMT (including vape carts), and to really double down on the THC. I think I will always have a moderate addictive personality, because I don't see myself ever quitting using cannabis for the rest of my life. I just couldn't. It's like a shackle, but it's a shackle with a compass on it that tells me where to go... if that makes sense. Spending 3-4 months without any THC only showed me that my quality of life with it is seriously better, and I never really suffered from any memory problems or any of the stereotypical stuff associated with cannabis use (granted I was smoking like half a gram a day, but still). We all have our ceilings.

I'm not really sure where this is going now, but yeah... was scary to witness myself feeling the temptation to try and take more of the Oxy. She's no longer using them because they don't help her, so I could take all of them if I wanted. But I won't. Fuck no. I'm thankful for kratom in this instance, truly. She was also given Gabapentin for nerve pain but the dose is RETARDEDLY low. 100mg 3 times a day, after a hip replacement. The dude who prescribed that is an idiot. She ran out of them so I gave her quite a few of mine as I have them prescribed for anxiety, 600mg a day. I plan to quit this one sooner or later as it does diddly at this point, but I at least felt good knowing I could've helped her out. Gabapentin is what she needs more than oxycodone.

Try not to beat to yourself up about it. Many people in the grips of opiate addiction have done a lot worse than taking a couple pills from a family member. And it seems like you caught yourself and had a conscience about it which is the important thing.

I might recommend trying to save up for an ibogaine retreat as that substance is used specifically for addiction. I wouldn’t advise smoking more weed or using DMT carts to try and achieve this. Perhaps an ayahuasca ceremony would also be helpful, but I recommend Ibogaine because many people with addictions have said it took away all cravings.

Best of luck.

 

[BourbonMac]

An Ibogane retreat is unfortunately not really viable for me in my current circumstances. Cannabis just hits the spot in the right way generally, and I can accept this addiction as it's another one I can control. At least, at this point. I know getting high during the day doesn't make me feel good, so I just get high at night.

I wouldn't really be using the DMT carts much more than for micro dosing potentially. I noticed in the past even puffs too little to even feel it would still leave me feeling refreshed afterward and into the next day. A friend of mine also has large quantities of the crystals and I did plan to take a high dose soon. I did 50mg last year and it was devastatingly bad because I didn't fully break through. This could've been because we dropped it on a dabber and some of it ends up getting lost I think, so I was going to try and just do 70 or something.

Although that trip was quite hellish, I didn't regret it, and it was like, 1/100th as bad as this entire year has been for me. So I'm ready to tackle it again soon enough.

 

[BourbonMac]

I honestly can't stop thinking about the way Oxy made me feel. Maybe it's because the prednisone I'm on has me under TREMENDOUS uncomfortably anxiety, edginess, frustration, and I think about how Oxy just made me feel euphoric and numb. I hope this passes. I will not fuck with this stuff again.

It's not even like that nice of a high either. I just feel like my whole mind body and soul are about to explode. Prednisone causes side effects like this often, and I've been on a pretty steady amount of it since my surgery starting last Friday. My pulse is constantly racing, my eyes bulge out of my head, I just wanna scream. Steroids are no fucking joke. Especially if it can make me think about wanting to do an opiate just to calm the hell down.

 

[BourbonMac]

Hate to triple post but I just wanted to mention it.
The craving to feel that high remained through most of the day, sometimes I'd forget about it, but I find something interesting.

I took 2g of kratom this evening, and that craving is completely gone even though I don't feel anything from the kratom. It's like, the mu-opioid receptors just wants any activity at all, even if it's minimal.

I'm thankful for kratom. Oxy felt way too good, and I'm clearly wired to be easily hooked on a substance like that. in the future for any surgeries, I will request the weakest narcotics possible, like Tramadol or Codeine (Tramadol is the weakest with the least addictive potential I believe)

 

[Uknowit4now]

I had a bullet in my spine for a year and a half trying to find a doctor to take ot out, while theybwere juicing me up with percs and methadone for pain.. that was my 21st bday... if i knew what this would turn into after tunring to dope because after even 1000mgs of methadone and about 30 pr 40 percs in "ONE DAY" wasnt enough. And whatbi know now after "30 Years+" of using f'ing A man a gunshot wound is like a "scratch" compared to what this shit put me thru...

Id rather have 10 bullets in me and never have done dope... i dont care what surgery i ever have again.. ill never take any narcotics hell no...its not worth it and no pain to me needs narcotics.. better to "DEAL n HEAL" trust me again been there done that... plently of "decades" of experience... i hope you stay clear of the junk.. it aint no joke! And not one person is immune from its grasp... be safe.. stay away from opiates... ive never done kratom.. but if you get any kind of wd's as you do from opiates say far clear of that sh!t too... a word of advise... id rather you be clean.. unless you got a death wish... then go all in.. not sure what else to say... be safe

 

[BourbonMac]

Kratom is a safe opioid agonist/antagonist (meaning if you take too high of a dose, it actually cancels out it's own effects). It's very safe, but can be addicting like opiates, just nowhere near. It is also a stimulant at lower doses. It sounds like it may have been able to help you, but it didn't get a lot of attention until 2016 or so. It does have withdrawals, but they are nothing compared to opiates, or even anti-depressants like SNRIs.

Your case is probably why I was prescribed so little to me. I'm thankful I wasn't prescribed more, seriously. I thiink they probably would've went with a weaker opioid like tramadol too, but it interacts with the Prozac I take. I'm willing to ween off of this just so I don't have to be given one of the strongest and most euphoric painkillers. Either way they don't give out scripts for narcotics that easily these days (guess it depends on your GP or whatever, some people can still get stupid supplies). I'm sorry to hear what you went through, that sounds like hell, truly.

I'm surprised you hadn't heard of it though, but your experiences must have been a long time ago. People have used kratom for centuries but it started showing up in gas stations in the US in the mid 2000s and gradually gained popularity as a "cheap opioid high." Gas station stuff is sketchy though, it was often mixed with synthetic opioids

 

[Uknowit4now]

Kratom is a safe opioid agonist/antagonist (meaning if you take too high of a dose, it actually cancels out it's own effects). It's very safe, but can be addicting like opiates, just nowhere near. It is also a stimulant at lower doses. It sounds like it may have been able to help you, but it didn't get a lot of attention until 2016 or so. It does have withdrawals, but they are nothing compared to opiates, or even anti-depressants like SNRIs.

Your case is probably why I was prescribed so little to me. I'm thankful I wasn't prescribed more, seriously. I thiink they probably would've went with a weaker opioid like tramadol too, but it interacts with the Prozac I take. I'm willing to ween off of this just so I don't have to be given one of the strongest and most euphoric painkillers. Either way they don't give out scripts for narcotics that easily these days (guess it depends on your GP or whatever, some people can still get stupid supplies). I'm sorry to hear what you went through, that sounds like hell, truly.

I'm surprised you hadn't heard of it though, but your experiences must have been a long time ago. People have used kratom for centuries but it started showing up in gas stations in the US in the mid 2000s and gradually gained popularity as a "cheap opioid high." Gas station stuff is sketchy though, it was often mixed with synthetic opioids

i have heard of it.. just never tried it... but im notnwilling tomtrademoff one for the other.. ive already dont that a few times over lol... best to mot do them at all.. wean off if needed or stop outright if possible.. i know its never easy. But dont give yourself a habit you can avoid. Hopefully you stay safe and your happy which is most important

 

[BourbonMac]

Well, I hated to do it, I really did. But I had a headache so bad that wasn't responding to anything, and I took an Oxy. I'm fortunate it's provided no real euphoria or good feelings, it just helped the pain. I'm about 2 weeks post surgery and still getting pretty bad pain on and off and I'm on my last doses of prednisone. Looks like I'll be OD'ing on tylenol for a bit... assuming this doesn't improve much. it's nice to be able to breathe out of my nose at least, but the whole left side of my face was in absolute agony earlier.

Either way, my supply is limited to like, 4 5mg capsules. I am mostly just trying to take kratom instead, but this time it wasn't enough. I'm at least proud of myself for being so aversive about taking it. Addiction runs in my family, so it's easy for me to get paranoid about it, the stigma with opiates, etc.

 

[Jen X]

Don't beat yourself up but also don't be someone who leaves someone in pain. You could be justifing they don't work for her, addicts do that.
If you're doing crap like that now for the love of god stop and don't get addicted .

Leave your sick mom's pain meds alone.

 

[BourbonMac]

That's coming from her mouth, not mine. She took them time and time again and they did nothing for her pain. She would have needed a higher dose and most opiates cause her to throw up profusely. She is also allergic to quite a few.

Don't try and judge what goes on in my own head lol. I know I have some addictive tendencies, albeit much milder than most especially compared to most of my family, but I disagree with you. If I feared I was making a justification like that I would have said so up front. That's the whole point of the thread, I was scared by my own temptation to take it when I didn't really need to. I know how additive opiates can be and I was afraid that I was falling into that kind of trap simply based on the stigmas surrounding opiate use and the knowledge that I do have some addictive tendencies.

As the days have progressed that feeling has dwindled, largely because I am about done with Prednisone, a drug that causes me to be in a state of constant panic, anxiety and dread. It was especially bad dropping from 40 to 20. This should be tapered by 10s, so I may have experienced a degree of adrenal shock. I don't know why it was ordered this way, but it is what it is. My anxiety was at its peak when I made this thread, so my desire to "feel something" that could numb it was much stronger, and my paranoia over the whole situation was very high. I don't in any way crave the feeling those gave me now because in retrospect it was barely anything to begin with, they're 5mg. I could get stronger effects from 4g of kratom.

I have already given them back to her in case she needs them. I have plenty of kratom if I need extra pain relief, and it works just as well. I just hated having to take higher doses because I was strictly limiting myself to 5-6g daily. But numbers don't really matter when the alternative is an actual opiate. It's an arbitrary limit at that point.

In any case she has been prescribed an extra strong nerve pain medication along with Ambien to help her sleep, and it has been working a lot better.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

@BourbonMac Please refrain from attacking a poster or name calling over something they said. If you do not agree, then please address what they said rather than saying they are "coming across" as whatever. I've edited the sentence in question on your reply. Please do not edit it back, thanks.

 

[BourbonMac]

No problem.
You're right that I could have chosen some better words. I realize in retrospect I took this a little extreme, and even with the edit, I look to come across more snarky than I would intend.

Don't beat yourself up but also don't be someone who leaves someone in pain. You could be justifing they don't work for her, addicts do that.
If you're doing crap like that now for the love of god stop and don't get addicted .

Leave your sick mom's pain meds alone.

I had basically said you came off as an a**, and I'm sure you weren't intending to. But you're right. I took your justifying comment the wrong way and I'm sorry if I came off apprehensive.

I am an addict, that's just a fact. To oxy, no, fortunately, but the fact that I am addicted to kratom shows that it isn't too far out there. I hope to eventually get clean from it, but the whole reason I became addicted to it is because I was justifying reasons to use it. Reasons it would help me achieve X or tell someone Y. Eventually it just became a ritual and I don't get much out of it anymore aside from feeling nice in the morning. I

And kratom got me way, way higher back then than oxy ever has. But it was 2017 and the internet was full of kratom this kratom that, it's just like coffee. I was smart enough to know it wasn't and that it was getting me really fucked up, but I would often turn to the internet, subreddits, etc. coming from longterm kratom users who praised it as a life saving drug. By the time I was reading half of that, I knew it was already starting to turn on me.

Kratom did help me in the beginning, I was a psychological trainwreck and it helped me develop the courage to start becoming who I'd always wanted to be. Though this could have been realized in any other number of ways. Either way, it has overstayed its welcome.

 

[Jen X]

No problem.
You're right that I could have chosen some better words. I realize in retrospect I took this a little extreme, and even with the edit, I look to come across more snarky than I would intend.



I had basically said you came off as an a**, and I'm sure you weren't intending to. But you're right. I took your justifying comment the wrong way and I'm sorry if I came off apprehensive.

I am an addict, that's just a fact. To oxy, no, fortunately, but the fact that I am addicted to kratom shows that it isn't too far out there. I hope to eventually get clean from it, but the whole reason I became addicted to it is because I was justifying reasons to use it. Reasons it would help me achieve X or tell someone Y. Eventually it just became a ritual and I don't get much out of it anymore aside from feeling nice in the morning. I

And kratom got me way, way higher back then than oxy ever has. But it was 2017 and the internet was full of kratom this kratom that, it's just like coffee. I was smart enough to know it wasn't and that it was getting me really fucked up, but I would often turn to the internet, subreddits, etc. coming from longterm kratom users who praised it as a life saving drug. By the time I was reading half of that, I knew it was already starting to turn on me.

Kratom did help me in the beginning, I was a psychological trainwreck and it helped me develop the courage to start becoming who I'd always wanted to be. Though this could have been realized in any other number of ways. Either way, it has overstayed its welcome.

No worries i do come across quite blunt sometimes. I stole my nans pills at the wake at her house. Everyone upset and my junkie butt stealing pills. I've justified robbing dealers cause their the bad guys. It's crazy what the brain does.