Recovery Reborn - Memoirs of a vicious drug addict

[OpiateKiller]

Hello all.

This thread will represent my rebirth and the death of the old me who was a heinous junkie with no hope but an overdose death,

Much of my time on this forum has been actively using drugs, with brief periods of sobriety. But now I have once again found my way back into sobriety.

Today marks 7 days off of a rapid subutex taper, I took a 1 mg piece after around 5 days before the 7 I’ve achieved. I was on 110 mg of methadone with an iv fentanyl and occasional benzo and meth usage. Alcohol you name it. I’m an addict through and through sex, gambling, money, anything that fixes the lack of self and lack of love.

The last day I stuck a needle in my arm was December 13. It was a gram of high quality heroin before I hopped on a plane.

I’ve dug through trash bags to shoot up with a used 18 gauge steroid needle. Drugs have taken me to places many do not come back from.

I’ve chosen a bag of drugs over a place to sleep in the middle of a blizzard. I’ve bankrupted myself, I’ve been locked up.

—

Today marks day 7 clean. The light at the end of the tunnel is in sight. I’ve begun to dive deep into myself and gone inward to find what has lead me to repeated relapses and places of complete desperation,

I’ve come to the conclusion I’ve failed in the past to completely surrender to this process. I’ve always been half in half out. If you’re a drug addict like me, you love drugs. But the places they’ve taken me and the amounts my tolerance has reached are unsustainable to any meaningful life.

I’ve bottled so much pain and guilt it seemed sobriety was impossible - I needed the drugs to survive. But that’s a load of bullshit.

The world is full of energy that we don’t tap into and feel hopeless. We are not hopeless.

We can and do recover.

Follow my journey from needles, psychosis,
Homelessness, incarceration, overdoses, arrests. The complete bottom of my emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. A complete place of pure darkness.

Into the light. Into a beautiful life. Just another junkie whose willing to bet on my future because those who believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself.

2021 is my year and it can be yours too. Let’s do work.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done man. that is huge process.

just be careful not to get ahead of yourself. a week clean is easy. a month clean is easy. fuck a year clean is easy. its the rest of your life that's hard. it takes a huge amount of work, you need to dig deep for strength you never knew you had. are you still in rehab? what therapy/help are you getting? are you attending meetings?

i went 18 months clean of crack and heroin (the drugs that i lost of everything for before going to rehab) and sticking to complete abstinence then lapsed twice this year. thankfully that lapse helped me shut the door on those drugs but opened the door for alcohol and benzos (which i was addicted to for 6 years before i got on the dark), but i've been clean off those since i got back from my parents last week and hope to stay that way at least for the rest of january. its been fucking hard to get this long under my belt, but for my first 6 months out of rehab i expected to go back to speedballs and selling my body basically any moment so i'm proud of how i've done.

 

[OpiateKiller]

well done man. that is huge process.

just be careful not to get ahead of yourself. a week clean is easy. a month clean is easy. fuck a year clean is easy. its the rest of your life that's hard. it takes a huge amount of work, you need to dig deep for strength you never knew you had. are you still in rehab? what therapy/help are you getting? are you attending meetings?

i went 18 months clean of crack and heroin (the drugs that i lost of everything for before going to rehab) and sticking to complete abstinence then lapsed twice this year. thankfully that lapse helped me shut the door on those drugs but opened the door for alcohol and benzos (which i was addicted to for 6 years before i got on the dark), but i've been clean off those since i got back from my parents last week and hope to stay that way at least for the rest of january. its been fucking hard to get this long under my belt, but for my first 6 months out of rehab i expected to go back to speedballs and selling my body basically any moment so i'm proud of how i've done.

You’re right I’ve had 6-9 months 3 times. It’s always when I forget the pain and where the drugs have taken me and life gets good that it’s difficult to maintain recovery.

I’m in a halfway house, plan on doing sober living until I hit a year. Meetings are limited cause of Corona but we’ve been doing zoom and therapy groups. I got a lot of pain from my past and guilt. You’re right it takes a shit load of work to maintain sobriety. It takes a recommitment everyday.

I used against my will as have many others. We must recover against our will even when we don’t want to.

I’ve been in a cycle of jail sober houses relapses since 20 years old .

I’m proud of you too don’t sell yourself short. It took me 18 months to get back into treatment we truly lose all control. But don’t give up on me I won’t give up on you.

Wish you the best one day at a time

 

[Jabberwocky]

do you have any idea what went wrong the previous times? were you forced into it or had you gone voluntarily? i hope you can use your experience of relapsing to avoid doing the same this time!!

hows the halfway house? i was dead jealous of people in sober living when i got out of rehab, cos i was stuck at my parents, but then over time it became clear that a house full of adult children can be a bit of headache and a lot of drama!! hopefully the people you're living with are sound and it is definitely good that you won't be isolated from other people in recovery at this point.

guilt over the past is useless. i don't have an answer for how to get rid of it cos i still feel guilty about a lot of stuff i did while using. but i've also forgiven myself for a lot cos i can see how much pain i'd be in for so long- do you think you can give yourself a break? the pain is another issue, do you think you've got to the root of your issues so you can address them?

thanks man. i will never give up on anyone who has a genuine wish to get into/maintain recovery!! there's some great posters in here and between us i reckon we have a wealth of experience so if you ever need to vent or want some advice or whatever hit us up, and keep us posted on how you're doing!

 

[OpiateKiller]

do you have any idea what went wrong the previous times? were you forced into it or had you gone voluntarily? i hope you can use your experience of relapsing to avoid doing the same this time!!

hows the halfway house? i was dead jealous of people in sober living when i got out of rehab, cos i was stuck at my parents, but then over time it became clear that a house full of adult children can be a bit of headache and a lot of drama!! hopefully the people you're living with are sound and it is definitely good that you won't be isolated from other people in recovery at this point.

guilt over the past is useless. i don't have an answer for how to get rid of it cos i still feel guilty about a lot of stuff i did while using. but i've also forgiven myself for a lot cos i can see how much pain i'd be in for so long- do you think you can give yourself a break? the pain is another issue, do you think you've got to the root of your issues so you can address them?

thanks man. i will never give up on anyone who has a genuine wish to get into/maintain recovery!! there's some great posters in here and between us i reckon we have a wealth of experience so if you ever need to vent or want some advice or whatever hit us up, and keep us posted on how you're doing!

Thank you. I feel why does one relapses is a millionaire dollar question.

I was always forced into sobriety and recovery through courts, however even so I paid attention and when a sponsor asked me if I was an alcoholic I knew I was even at 21.

But I wasn’t done not even close.

Everything in that book was a clear cut description of my life.

I think I relapsed for multiple reasons. I wasn’t ready, I isolated myself from the sober community.

I wasn’t being honest with anyone around me getting laid was more important than working on myself or finding my inner self.

I am a firm believer as is someone who I greatly look up to, that the only way to sobriety is a spiritual solution.

I never embraced the spirituality side. I never built my spirituality or fed it. To me that looks like doing things on a daily basis that fill my spirit. NA and AA are not the only tools to accomplish this. For me things like exercise, yoga, breathing, meditating, caring for others, helping show others out of addiction, being transparent and honest. Showing love to others. These things fill my spirituality. And if I continue to do them God will show himself in my life I believe that.

Sober living can suck don’t get me wrong people are children but thankfully many of us police our own and if you don’t wash your dish or are acting a fool it’s just gonna make your life miserable. A kid found a pan full of tomato sauce in his pillow he wasn’t happy but he earned it

 

[Jabberwocky]

how are you getting on OK? hows your weekend been?

spirituality has really helped me in my recovery. i joined the local buddhist centre for a meditation course soon after rehab and stuck around, its good for my soul somehow. whatever path you choose i think its really important to find something that helps you explore your place in the world. i'm still not sure if i'm a buddhist but i find the fundamental concept 'do no harm' really is a good precept to live by, and their approach and attitude towards living is very compatible with everything i've learned in recovery.

 

[OpiateKiller]

how are you getting on OK? hows your weekend been?

spirituality has really helped me in my recovery. i joined the local buddhist centre for a meditation course soon after rehab and stuck around, its good for my soul somehow. whatever path you choose i think its really important to find something that helps you explore your place in the world. i'm still not sure if i'm a buddhist but i find the fundamental concept 'do no harm' really is a good precept to live by, and their approach and attitude towards living is very compatible with everything i've learned in recovery.

Hey I’m doing good saw my family and girl for the first time in a month. Family is full of alcoholics but they’re proud of me I’m a different breed of addict to them.

I agree spirituality while difficult to understand is so important.

A guy said a cool thing today in our group, he said he hates when people say shit like a light bulb is their higher power cause it’s bullshit. And it’s true; because the earth and what’s around us has way more power to offer us than a light bulb.

I agree completely we need to explore and analyze everything that happens to us. If we are not constantly growing and exploring why we are the way we are and making changes to be a better person in my experience it’s a matter of time before a needle is in my arm.

How was your weekend? How’s the process? How’s the fam? I hope you have some sober people who you can talk to a big part of my downfall was my isolation and I know it’s almost impossible to avoid especially with Corona.

I came to the realization Corona or not I can’t live in fear. Nothing can come in front of my sobriety or I’m fucked.

 

[Deru]

A guy said a cool thing today in our group, he said he hates when people say shit like a light bulb is their higher power cause it’s bullshit. And it’s true; because the earth and what’s around us has way more power to offer us than a light bulb.

I struggled with this big time when I was working step 2 and step 3 at the stage you're in right now, I think it's mainly to get people like me from obsessing about who or what your higher power is. I ultimately wound up coming to a very similar conclusion as you have.

Today marks day 7 clean

That is amazing and I'm seriously so happy to hear this.

 

[Skippwiggins]

Hey man i didn't go as deep but deep enough for me.

Alcohol, mdma, pills heavy from ages 14-18. Then came lots of heroin and an endless supply of morphine, oxy, hydro etc. Usually sold them all except the morphine. Endless benzos. For 2-3 years I used opiates and benzos heavily. Got on suboxone and didn't use for 3 years. Then got really bad into IV meth. Then IV meth and H speed balls, eventually pure fentanyl and bk edpb/eutylone from china. Dirt cheap endless speedballs. Better than thr street drugs, or equal too. Caught 2 felonies and bunch of fines. 3 overdoses requiring narcan and hospital overnight. 3 other overdoses revived from friends. 3 nights in jail was enough for me to stop.

got on methadone didn't use for 2.5 years. 6 meetings a week, gym 7 days a week, sponsor, worked the 12 steps over and over. Worked 60 hours a week. Countless hours on phone with wife everyday digging deep as possible, manifesting our dreams, working through every possible moment in our lives we can remember. Methadone saved me.

6 months off methadone and now drug free. I take valerian and ashwaghanda. Trt. Thats it.

Meetings, gym, family, meditation, breath-work, mantras, healthy living. This is needed to prevent relapse.

For ME the 12 steps is needed to remain sober and not relapse, among many other things. People who haven't worked the steps, and had a 10 page 4-5th step they had to say to their sponsor, righted every wrong with every person they've ever had, had a spiritual awakening and then sponsored other people youre accountable to can say shit about the steps. Its not about religion. Its not about God. Higher power can be the group, your sponsor, the earth whatever. I know many atheists in AA. People just talk shit because their afraid it might actually work or can't handle talking in a big group of people imo.

I believe in you man. Youve been sober before you can do it again. Theres more to being sober though its recovering snd finding things in life that make you fucking thrive for greatness and nothing short.. like the gym, helping people, making money, growing ethnobotanicals whatever. For me its the above but spirituality is the main aspect and I bet most people with long term sobriety who have zero spirituality in their daily lives are not happy, or as happy as they could be.

To me spirituality is the fucking key. The answer to all life's struggles. It heals and it cures. Psychedelics aid in my healing yet ive had very intense spiritual experiences while sober some even Moreso magical in ways. Without my spirituality id be dead. Theres magic all around is youre right spirituality is much much more than meetings and steps. Idk if its up your alley but you could read two books if youre bored... the secret and conversations with God. Those started me off and then got deep into hidden knowledge.

The other key. Love. Endless love. Spreading love to everyone and everything around us. Self love. Selfless love. Without love we have darkness. We've seen enough darkness have we not???

You got this. I believe in you.

 

[OpiateKiller]

Meetings, gym, family, meditation, breath-work, mantras, healthy living. This is needed to prevent relapse.

For ME the 12 steps is needed to remain sober and not relapse, among many other things. People who haven't worked the steps, and had a 10 page 4-5th step they had to say to their sponsor, righted every wrong with every person they've ever had, had a spiritual awakening and then sponsored other people youre accountable to can say shit about the steps. Its not about religion. Its not about God. Higher power can be the group, your sponsor, the earth whatever. I know many atheists in AA. People just talk shit because their afraid it might actually work or can't handle talking in a big group of people imo.

I believe in you man. Youve been sober before you can do it again. Theres more to being sober though its recovering snd finding things in life that make you fucking thrive for greatness and nothing short.. like the gym, helping people, making money, growing ethnobotanicals whatever. For me its the above but spirituality is the main aspect and I bet most people with long term sobriety who have zero spirituality in their daily lives are not happy, or as happy as they could be.

To me spirituality is the fucking key. The answer to all life's struggles. It heals and it cures. Psychedelics aid in my healing yet ive had very intense spiritual experiences while sober some even Moreso magical in ways. Without my spirituality id be dead. Theres magic all around is youre right spirituality is much much more than meetings and steps. Idk if its up your alley but you could read two books if youre bored... the secret and conversations with God. Those started me off and then got deep into hidden knowledge.

The other key. Love. Endless love. Spreading love to everyone and everything around us. Self love. Selfless love. Without love we have darkness. We've seen enough darkness have we not???

You got this. I believe in you.

Amen brother. Couldn’t have said it better myself if anyone is looking to obtain sobriety this is the fucking blue print to get that shit done and live a happy, free life. Walk the earth without being ruled by substances.

bless up

 

[deficiT]

I'm also getting clean and living in a sober house. 2021 will hopefully be a year of rebirth and monumental change for the both of us.

Sending prayers your way , best of luck.

 

[deficiT]

I'm at 39 days

 

[Jabberwocky]

i'm so glad you had a good weekend and got to see your family!

how was it? the first time my mum came to visit me in rehab i could feel the hate the second she got in the room. it was so fucking painful. thankfully she was watered down by my dad. the first thing she said to me was that she wanted her mp3 player back, which was the one thing keeping me sane in there since funnily enough i didn't have my own. its still hard between us, but much better cos i stayed clean-ish.

i have my boyf living with me and friends from NA, and contacts from the buddhist centre, so enough people to not be alone.

corona is a fucking arse but the main thing i hate about it is no live music and no travel. those are major motivations in my recovery so its kinda hard to keep going when there's no option of either for months.

 

[OpiateKiller]

i'm so glad you had a good weekend and got to see your family!

how was it? the first time my mum came to visit me in rehab i could feel the hate the second she got in the room. it was so fucking painful. thankfully she was watered down by my dad. the first thing she said to me was that she wanted her mp3 player back, which was the one thing keeping me sane in there since funnily enough i didn't have my own. its still hard between us, but much better cos i stayed clean-ish.

i have my boyf living with me and friends from NA, and contacts from the buddhist centre, so enough people to not be alone.

corona is a fucking arse but the main thing i hate about it is no live music and no travel. those are major motivations in my recovery so its kinda hard to keep going when there's no option of either for months.

Corona sucks especially for all of us in recovery or trying to get sober. It’s hit the world but the impact it’s had on us addicts has been tremendous. Shutting down meetings and concerts and the whole world.

I’m glad you’re doing well I get it I get the struggle.

Sorry it took me so long to respond I’m like non stop from 7 am to 9 pm in this place.

I’m almost at 30 days clean which honestly I never thought would happen again.

I’ve been irritable with sober living but honestly it’s just me not working with a sponsor or doing the steps because I’m stuck in groups and locked down sort of. I need to stop making excuses though and chase recovery like I did the next shot.

Life is getting better everyday though.

 

[Jabberwocky]

glad you're alright. its good you're busy. being busy every hour of every day for my first 6 months clean honestly made it so much easier to stay clean, cos even when i really wanted to use i never really had the time. i could have fucked off whatever i had planned but it somehow created quite a strong mental barrier for me.

its natural to be irritable. especially under lockdown, i've been fucking irritable, my boyfriend has, probably everyone is but you just don't know cos you're not stuck under the same roof as them. your brain chemistry will take a while to balance out at which point you should find you're less irritable and when you are you can get it under control more easily.

 

[SoCal424]

I've been there my friend - going through the withdrawals and wondering if it will ever end (it does). My three year anniversary of quitting methadone is April 2021. I still remember those withdrawals quite clearly if something comes up that reminds me, but I don't think about it much anymore. I don't wake up feeling withdrawals anymore - not for a long time.

After years of daily taking pills or whatever you use, it takes time to forget that life and truly let go of it. It takes time to relearn life and feel normal. I'm nobody special - not by a long shot, but I got through it and I know you can too. Believe in yourself. You'll get there if you keep trying. When you feel like using, just tell yourself "not yet" over and over - and keep going forward. You don't want repeat even a single minute of withdrawals. Avoid anyone that is using. Hanging around them is setting a trap you are easy prey for.

You can't control what happened in your past, but you are in control of tomorrow and the many years left in your life. When you think sad thoughts about the past, do anything and everything to distract yourself for a while. Put on music you like or get moving - go take a shower (again), or go for a walk with someone and talk - take up some hobby you dropped - and keep posting here. It will help you and it will help others that read your story.

Dale