Mental Health Realising how limited I am

[Eligiu]

So like up until last year, inclusive of the beginning I was very like 'my disabilities will never stop me' and I didn't hide my struggles with mental health at all. I mean, I finished a law degree when I had undiagnosed bipolar for 2 years, untreated complex trauma for basically the whole time, and a heavy meth and heroin addiction for my first two years as well, as well as homelessness and what I later found out was undiagnosed level 3 autism and ADHD. Like I was proud as fuck of myself because I could pretty safely sit there with my degree and pretty safely say that there were basically no other law students at my university who can say they did what I did and made it through not just to graduate, but with a commendable GPA with distinctions and high distinctions.

I applied for a scholarship the night before entries closed for $3000 at the beginning of last year. They interviewed me and said it was an incredibly strong application. They told me I'd probably have to wait a couple of weeks to hear back though. The very next day I got the scholarship offer in my email inbox and accepted it on the spot. But the thing is when I applied to the scholarship I was super positive about everything I'm still able to do despite my impairments. It's a bit of a brag session, listing all my achievements.

When I applied for the National Disability Insurance Scheme for government funding to help with disability related costs and the Disability Support Pension (welfare) my life suddenly dramatically shifted and it's a deficits based model. Now instead of talking about my achievements I get report after report talking about how disabled and functionally impaired I am and all the shit I can't do independently.

I wanna be back like I was before but I can't anymore. I feel like shit.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

So like up until last year, inclusive of the beginning I was very like 'my disabilities will never stop me' and I didn't hide my struggles with mental health at all. I mean, I finished a law degree when I had undiagnosed bipolar for 2 years, untreated complex trauma for basically the whole time, and a heavy meth and heroin addiction for my first two years as well, as well as homelessness and what I later found out was undiagnosed level 3 autism and ADHD. Like I was proud as fuck of myself because I could pretty safely sit there with my degree and pretty safely say that there were basically no other law students at my university who can say they did what I did and made it through not just to graduate, but with a commendable GPA with distinctions and high distinctions.

I applied for a scholarship the night before entries closed for $3000 at the beginning of last year. They interviewed me and said it was an incredibly strong application. They told me I'd probably have to wait a couple of weeks to hear back though. The very next day I got the scholarship offer in my email inbox and accepted it on the spot. But the thing is when I applied to the scholarship I was super positive about everything I'm still able to do despite my impairments. It's a bit of a brag session, listing all my achievements.

When I applied for the National Disability Insurance Scheme for government funding to help with disability related costs and the Disability Support Pension (welfare) my life suddenly dramatically shifted and it's a deficits based model. Now instead of talking about my achievements I get report after report talking about how disabled and functionally impaired I am and all the shit I can't do independently.

I wanna be back like I was before but I can't anymore. I feel like shit.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with the Disability programs. I was on Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) for schizoaffective disorder bipolar type when my delusional ass decided to go to grad school. I actually graduated with a 3.8 GPA and my Disability payments were what paid my rent those two years. Helped me out a ton. Got a full time job after grad school, which meant saying goodbye to the Disability payments. After working for a while and making a decent salary, my disability reared it's ugly head again in August 2020 when my cat/emotional support animal died. I went a little nuts and ended up laid off from my job due to not showing up to work. Now I regret ever getting off Disability and have a pending application to get back on.

In my experience with the Disability Insurance program where I live, I just followed protocol and took their meds as prescribed. Once I went to a vocational rehab program and it was a joke for me. Like, they were teaching people how to write a resume and how to complete a basic job interview. Shit I could already do successfully. Sometimes you have to eat a turd and let them dictate what hoops you must jump through in order to receive financial support. Just know in the back of your mind that you are a successful person and neither they nor your status as a disabled person can take that away from you. I know it can be difficult to listen to doctors talk about how impaired you are. I just sat back and said "Yes sir, mhmm" and let them talk. You can still live your dreams. The hardest part for me after grad school was that there is an income limit in order to work and still receive Disability payments. I don't know what country you are in or what income requirements they have. Maybe you could practice law part time or perform charitable work for people who cannot afford a full time attorney.

What is it about the pension program and the doctors' opinions that make it to where you can't be like you were before? Would you be able to get a job while in the program?

 

[Eligiu]

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with the Disability programs. I was on Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) for schizoaffective disorder bipolar type when my delusional ass decided to go to grad school. I actually graduated with a 3.8 GPA and my Disability payments were what paid my rent those two years. Helped me out a ton. Got a full time job after grad school, which meant saying goodbye to the Disability payments. After working for a while and making a decent salary, my disability reared it's ugly head again in August 2020 when my cat/emotional support animal died. I went a little nuts and ended up laid off from my job due to not showing up to work. Now I regret ever getting off Disability and have a pending application to get back on.

In my experience with the Disability Insurance program where I live, I just followed protocol and took their meds as prescribed. Once I went to a vocational rehab program and it was a joke for me. Like, they were teaching people how to write a resume and how to complete a basic job interview. Shit I could already do successfully. Sometimes you have to eat a turd and let them dictate what hoops you must jump through in order to receive financial support. Just know in the back of your mind that you are a successful person and neither they nor your status as a disabled person can take that away from you. I know it can be difficult to listen to doctors talk about how impaired you are. I just sat back and said "Yes sir, mhmm" and let them talk. You can still live your dreams. The hardest part for me after grad school was that there is an income limit in order to work and still receive Disability payments. I don't know what country you are in or what income requirements they have. Maybe you could practice law part time or perform charitable work for people who cannot afford a full time attorney.

What is it about the pension program and the doctors' opinions that make it to where you can't be like you were before? Would you be able to get a job while in the program?

I can have a job while on the NDIS and be able to work as a lawyer, but I'd lose a significant amount of my funding as they would be like 'if he can work as a lawyer he isn't impaired and doesn't need the support' because of the nature of my impairments. If I had a phsyical disability I could keep the support but because my deficits are with executive functioning if I do any work that implies that isn't an issue they'll take it away.

DSP payments you can only get if you earn under a certain amount of money. This im less concerned about losing if I go back to being more functional as if I could work more I obviously wouldn't need the pension.

I'll only be able to function better with the supports that I have in place, that's sort of the point. When I did my placement I barely made it through.

 

[Flynnal]

I can have a job while on the NDIS and be able to work as a lawyer, but I'd lose a significant amount of my funding as they would be like 'if he can work as a lawyer he isn't impaired and doesn't need the support' because of the nature of my impairments. If I had a phsyical disability I could keep the support but because my deficits are with executive functioning if I do any work that implies that isn't an issue they'll take it away.

DSP payments you can only get if you earn under a certain amount of money. This im less concerned about losing if I go back to being more functional as if I could work more I obviously wouldn't need the pension.

I'll only be able to function better with the supports that I have in place, that's sort of the point. When I did my placement I barely made it through.

The scary part is that once you're kicked off, you have to reapply under the new rules, and that's where so many unfortunate souls get massively fucked over. I'll stay on mine thanks and I won't be doing anything extraordinary unless I have millions to back me up in case I fail.

Go into the deep end, get kicked off, end up having a meltdown, having to reapply but then getting a diagnosis that won't count, you can't get back on, and you end up under a train or bus or truck or at the bottom of a tall building or bridge...it's not a good feeling believe me. I'm stupid and impaired, but not so dumb that I don't understand the implications of trying to succeed when it only takes one slip up and I'm streetbound and, presumably, gravebound.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I can have a job while on the NDIS and be able to work as a lawyer, but I'd lose a significant amount of my funding as they would be like 'if he can work as a lawyer he isn't impaired and doesn't need the support' because of the nature of my impairments. If I had a phsyical disability I could keep the support but because my deficits are with executive functioning if I do any work that implies that isn't an issue they'll take it away.

DSP payments you can only get if you earn under a certain amount of money. This im less concerned about losing if I go back to being more functional as if I could work more I obviously wouldn't need the pension.

I'll only be able to function better with the supports that I have in place, that's sort of the point. When I did my placement I barely made it through.

I hear you about trying to work while still receiving gov't payments. Looking back, I wish I had never attended grad school or tried to work a full time career. Should have stayed on Disability and maintained fulfillment through my music and art.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

The scary part is that once you're kicked off, you have to reapply under the new rules, and that's where so many unfortunate souls get massively fucked over. I'll stay on mine thanks and I won't be doing anything extraordinary unless I have millions to back me up in case I fail.

Go into the deep end, get kicked off, end up having a meltdown, having to reapply but then getting a diagnosis that won't count, you can't get back on, and you end up under a train or bus or truck or at the bottom of a tall building or bridge...it's not a good feeling believe me. I'm stupid and impaired, but not so dumb that I don't understand the implications of trying to succeed when it only takes one slip up and I'm streetbound and, presumably, gravebound.

This is exactly what feels like is happening to me. I was on Disability for like 6 years but got off when working full time. Fast forward 8 more years and even though I've been med-compliant, I started having functionality problems again. In the US, if you jump off Disability you have a window of like 5 years to re-apply and be fast tracked back on. I missed that deadline by 2 or 3 years so I am having to re-apply and start over under new rules as if I had never been on it before. It's infuriating. My application has been processing since June of last year and still no decision.

Being in limbo has been very stressful. I haven't worked full time since late 2020. I've only written one song since the pandemic started, so I've essentially had writer's block for 2 years meaning music and art aren't even fulfilling anymore.

Thank you Bluelight for allowing me to rant and giving me some sort of fulfillment outside of my not-so-regular hobbies.