Need Help Quitting Meth/Stims.

[Cobalt5]

It’s quite a long post, so I’ve added a TL;DR at the bottom. If you can send ANY help/advice my way at all, I’d be extremely grateful.

Today I made the decision to flush out all my meth, and delete all my dealers’ contact details. This is not the first time I’ve tried quitting this way. I’ve done it countless times - the addiction started with cocaine before progressing to Adderall, then to meth; on many occasions I sunk £300+ worth of coke down the toilet because of how desperate I was to stop.

The cocaine became habitual after getting hooked at parties, which stopped after I tried Adderall. The Adderall was by far my favourite. I didn’t feel “high”, I just felt like me, but 10 times better in every way. I came to find out that, of course, this is a short lived delusion.

The meth happened because Adderall wasn’t available to me anymore (deleted the specific reason because it might be against forum rules to detail things like that, idk). I needed an alternative, albeit the worse version. Meth to me feels like an extremely disgusting version of pharmaceutical d-amps like Adderall. The high is almost identical, but it feels so much more wired and tweaky, and insanely taxing on my physical and mental health. On the addys I’d sleep after 36 hours at most, but with this shit I can’t for days on end.

Collective stim addiction duration (coke, adderall, meth) is about a year. The meth use has totalled less than 30 days of use. I don’t know how many days specifically. The addiction caught on far quicker than anything else I’ve tried. Day after day I’m railing larger and larger amounts. I can already see my life slipping away. Going in to work 3 days straight with no sleep, heart feeling like it’s on its last legs. My body’s been giving me very stern warnings that I’ve chosen to ignore time and time again.

If I don’t quit now, I’ll likely die from a cardiovascular event, and if not I’ll die mentally and became a hollow shell of my former self. I can already feel it hijacking my brain’s reward circuitry - there’s no desire for ordinary fun activities, it only craves meth. No longer interested in seeing friends, I just wanna sit in my room, do meth, and play video games for hours on end.
This is not who I aspired to be as a child. What a vile, evil drug. This shit is seriously from the devil himself. I’ve never felt this way about any other drug before.

I’ve outlined my problem with quitting in the summary below.

TL;DR:
Finally, to the point - what’s my biggest issue with quitting, why do I keep relapsing?
The things I’ve written above are generally how I feel when I’m coming down. As I write this post, I’m coming down from a two day binge. I’m perfectly set on quitting, and I’m sure I can stay disciplined. I even feel relieved and happy after throwing it all away. Great, I’ve taken the first step to recovery. However, once I get enough sleep, nutrition, and water, and I’m feeling “normal” again, the way my brain functions is completely different.
I’ll be fine, doing something ordinary… then the thought of having some will creep in… once that demon has latched onto my neck there’s absolutely no shaking it off. By that point, it feels nigh impossible to resist the urge. It’s like being mentally enslaved. These motivated thoughts of quitting and sorting my life out go completely out the window. The portion of my brain responsible for rational thought is completely malfunctioning at this stage. It’s like looking at sewage and willingly diving into it, not caring that I’ll be covered in shit.

How am I going to approach recovery differently this time?
For one, I am going to view it as an intentional and permanent cessation of a severely destructive habit that brings me nothing good. I’ve stopped. I’m done. I’m not trying to quit. I have quit. I think this may be a more effective strategy than trying purely with will power.

I will read this post every morning to myself to remind me of how I felt the night I called it quits.

I will find a recovery support group.

I will not play the video games that I played obsessively while high on meth as it will trigger me. Instead I will lift heavy weights, run marathons, and split the earth’s core with my bare fucking hands.

Why won’t I stop typing….

I’ve been awake for over 50 hours or something silly, and the meth is still in my system. So maybe this post isn’t coherent at all and it just looks like an idiot meth head that won’t stop typing. I was like this earlier today actually, obsessively cleaning my kitchen for hours. It looked absolutely pristine afterwards though, spotless.

Or am I being paranoid? I hope there’s some merit to this. At least I can read it for myself everyday. If I look stupid at least I’m anonymous. Can’t wait to get some sleep.

If you read this far, thank you so much. This is the first time I’ve reached out for help. I know an actual support group is probably more effective, and I’m going to find over the next few days. This post itself is more of a mix of: if you have advice, great, but also using this as a sort of journal, I guess. Introspection. Yeah.

If you have any advice at all, I’d really appreciate it!

 

[mauve]

I'll get back to you in more detail,

firstly delete your dealers contact details and anything that reminds you of using meth get rid of it.

Second sleep and lots of it.

Third nutrition.

Enjoy the outdoors and exercise

Tell someone close what you're doing so you have them on speed dial, when cravings set in and they can be manipulative.

 

[ninjapirateroberts]

Addiction and impulsivity is deeply intertwined. I never got addicted to substances, but I'm currently trying to quit a addictive behaviour that I've been struggling with for over 3 years now. I've relapsed multiple times, have depressive episodes after relapse. To be totally honest, psychedelics are the only ones that helped me retain a significant streak. After one particular LSD trip and insights I got, I maintained a streak of 70 days before relapse. Prior to that, my longest streak was 6 days max (in the span of 3 years). I'm still relapsing after that initial relapse after 70 days and will be taking taking the LSD in about few days. All the generic advices you get online like "just go outside, sleep, delete dealer number and info, go therapy, eat healthy, etc." wouldn't get through our heads. They are objectively good advices but on reality, they do not work and our brain do not accept or follow them. My more realistic suggestion (not advice) is to try LSD if you haven't already. IMO it have the potential to decrease your drug-seeking impulsive behaviour. At some point, you need outer intervention, drugs like LSD that will grab your balls and "show" you how you're fucking up your life.

Another suggestion is, it takes significant will-power to stop an addiction. I've learned this the hard way. Telling yourself, "oh the drugs are too powerful, I'm too weak to resist them" etc. should stop. It needs some amount of manhandling and "growing a pair" to really stop an addiction. You might feel like you're completely helpless -- but you aren't. It's an excuse we addicts tell ourselves to engage in our addictions. "Oh, I'm very helpless, so I might as well engage in this addiction all the way, because I don't have control". Stimulants addiction is mainly psychological. You might feel brain fog and tired for a few weeks upon sudden cessation, but you don't die (it's totally different from quitting benzo addiction, where you might die).

Those are my suggestions.

 

[Cobalt5]

Thank you @ninjapirateroberts

I appreciate the insight. I’ve heard about intervention using psychedelics like LSD before. Although it’s not LSD, shrooms left me depersonalised and anxiety ridden for months.

Not trying to sit on the pity potty here but I’ve had a rather traumatic childhood & life in general. While psychedelics can be therapeutic for some, by contrast they take me to perhaps the darkest corners of my mind. There’s definitely a lesson to take from that, but I don’t want to end up in a traumatised state whilst already suffering with an addiction problem.

I feel like you’re always rolling the dice with psychedelics and I’m never lucky on that roll.

 

[BlossomsBlooming]

I'll get back to you in more detail,

firstly delete your dealers contact details and anything that reminds you of using meth get rid of it.

Second sleep and lots of it.

Third nutrition.

Enjoy the outdoors and exercise

Tell someone close what you're doing so you have them on speed dial, when cravings set in and they can be manipulative.

Indeed especially having a trusted confidante who you out yourself too, as they can hold you accountable and lying is unbearable to your loved ones.

 

[ninjapirateroberts]

Thank you @ninjapirateroberts

I appreciate the insight. I’ve heard about intervention using psychedelics like LSD before. Although it’s not LSD, shrooms left me depersonalised and anxiety ridden for months.

Not trying to sit on the pity potty here but I’ve had a rather traumatic childhood & life in general. While psychedelics can be therapeutic, for me they end up taking me to perhaps the darkest corners of my mind. There’s definitely a lesson to take from that, but I don’t want to end up in a traumatised state whilst already suffering with an addiction problem.

I feel like you’re always rolling the dice with psychedelics and I’m never lucky on that roll.

Shrooms did left me somewhat "traumatized" at times as well, because shrooms will strongly suppress long-term and short-term memory, leaving you very disoriented (your ability to use language, know where you are, your parents, calling for help, etc. will also be suppressed under psilocybin shrooms). LSD is very different story. It doesn't suppress memory (in usual 120ug-150ug doses), and is rather stimulating, making me gain novel insights. They are very different in how they invoke feelings, insights, etc. I don't do shrooms for this very reason and stick to LSD and ketamine. But if you aren't comfortable with them in general, then they probably aren't good for you. Maybe behavioural interventions might work. But I'd also suggest to learn neurobiology of addiction (like robert sapolsky's lectures, etc.), because learning the underlying biology of things helps me.

 

[ninjapirateroberts]

Fear of dying from a heart attack from a meth overdose and disappointing your loved ones also helps me stay away from substance abuse. So have someone you value (it can be your gf, wife, close friends, parents, etc.) near you, by that I mean, converse with them regularly. You can also learn about techniques like urge surfing if cravings get too hard (https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/what-is-urge-surfing).

 

[jasperkent]

Besides sleep, good nutrition (vitamin supplements help, especially B Complex + C), exercise & sunshine, you will need activities to replace the addiction. Otherwise you'll have a big hole needing to be filled and that's when relapse creeps in.

Movies, hobbies, recovery literature, and meetings are some good options. Use everything and everyone you can-- the more tools you have in your toolbox, the better.

I've quit a lot of different substances. Coke and meth were two of the least difficult. Stim addiction is 99% psychological. It's entirely up to you.

Best wishes on your journey.

 

[thatmf]

Good on you for realizing you need to stop. It sounds like you haven't hit rock bottom (and I hope you never do). Generally the longer you take meth and the more you take it will make quitting harder and harder. Like others in this thread have said, movies/binge watching shows, hobbies and meetings would be helpful. For me video games were a lifesaver. But they might not be good for you since you associate them with meth. I recommend getting some good regular sleep, fighting the urges and just trying to take it easy, avoid people/situations in which/with whom you have used before as much as possible. Reach out to people if you need to (like you've done in this thread), daily exercise was super helpful for me as well, it takes the "fog" away a bit and helps you sleep and your body recover. The anhedonia (lack of pleasure) will last at least a month or two. So go easy on yourself. A recovery support group could help as well. I recommend seeing a psychologist at some stage if you can to make sense of it all. Or even a drug and alcohol counsellor. All the best and keep us in the loop

 

[Cobalt5]

So I’m not going to spam updates everyday, I don’t want to end up unnecessarily bumping the thread…

But so far I feel a very weird sense of fatigue. Not really a physical fatigue, it feels more psychological I guess. Not interested in doing anything, I’ve just been in bed all day. I made myself a coffee and tried to watch a movie but I can’t sustain my attention for even like 10 minutes. I just get an overwhelming urge to get in bed and senselessly scroll through social media - again not because of physical tiredness which is what I’m finding quite odd. It’s probably the dopamine depletion. I think going to the gym and doing some physical activity would be hugely beneficial right now.

I don’t want to make assumptions but I have a very good feeling that this will not be a lifelong battle to maintain sobriety. The urge to use at the moment isn’t because I want to get high but rather to take away the unpleasant symptoms. Another thing I forgot to mention is that I was using illicit stimulants to self medicate my existing depression. Adderall & meth were more effective than any anti-depressant I’ve ever tried. They also seemed to temporarily heal my PTSD symptoms.

I imagine I’ll get cravings on occasion but the frequency and intensity of these will diminish with time. This might not have been the case had I continued using for a prolonged period of time with a different ROA (I was swallowing it not smoking it. I also insufflated a few times).

 

[thatmf]

So I’m not going to spam updates everyday, I don’t want to end up unnecessarily bumping the thread…

But so far I feel a very weird sense of fatigue. Not really a physical fatigue, it feels more psychological I guess. Not interested in doing anything, I’ve just been in bed all day. I made myself a coffee and tried to watch a movie but I can’t sustain my attention for even like 10 minutes. I just get an overwhelming urge to get in bed and senselessly scroll through social media - again not because of physical tiredness which is what I’m finding quite odd. It’s probably the dopamine depletion. I think going to the gym and doing some physical activity would be hugely beneficial right now.

I don’t want to make assumptions but I have a very good feeling that this will not be a lifelong battle to maintain sobriety. The urge to use at the moment isn’t because I want to get high but rather to take away the unpleasant symptoms. Another thing I forgot to mention is that I was using illicit stimulants to self medicate my existing depression. Adderall & meth were more effective than any anti-depressant I’ve ever tried. They also seemed to temporarily heal my PTSD symptoms.

I imagine I’ll get cravings on occasion but the frequency and intensity of these will diminish with time. This might not have been the case had I continued using for a prolonged period of time with a different ROA (I was swallowing it not smoking it. I also insufflated a few times).

Yeah it will pass. Just give it time. I used meth to "fight" my depression. Eventually that went wayward. You'll get there, just don't reach out to any dodgy contacts and have enough will power to say no especially in the first few weeks

 

[Jnowhere]

I am not really, going to get into specifics, but focusing on any bad experiences you had on the substances, (try to not think about them, but you will), and try to only remember the bad times. I like to forget about things, so as not to trigger, but that is long past.
However, as you are( hopefully) past that chapter in life, try to forget about it, and only focus on the bad. Jail, ruined relationships, withdrawal may not apply here( but for me, definitely), psychological anguish, adding up wasted money if the thoughts are too intrusive, (I don't think waking up next to a bed breaker( a fat chick) applies here, but not sure if something similar would come to mind). No offense to the plus sized women, I am just trying to tell him to focus on things he might find unappealing in his past use, if the urge to use comes up. Forget, the good times when that little devil appears on your shoulder and only remember the bad.
As a former drunk, I know this sounds really bad but: if you have no issues with alcohol, a few beers and a lot of good comedic movies, laughter can really help and probably will release some endorphins or something.( only drink if you are not inclined to alcoholism, and don't start drinking if you have had issues or have never drank before) Don't substitute one bad habit for another, but if not an issue; a few great comedies and a few drinks( will enhance the funny parts). Distraction, is the key, and don't get wasted.
Also, like I said don't substitute one bad habit for another, but if you are a light to moderate drinker, then why not enhance the good times? Besides a few drinks and a lot of laughs might help you sleep.
Good luck.

 

[Cobalt5]

Yeah it will pass. Just give it time. I used meth to "fight" my depression. Eventually that went wayward. You'll get there, just don't reach out to any dodgy contacts and have enough will power to say no especially in the first few weeks

Aye. Obtaining meth (from my life experiences and environment) is difficult in London anyway, it’s always coke or weed in abundance. Adderall is virtually impossible lol. You usually need a connection and won’t just stumble upon it. So me deleting and blocking the contact is huge, and I can almost guarantee I’m not addicted enough to go through the effort of finding another contact.

Works in my favour

I just had another question - is chest tightness and a shortness of breath normal at this point? I’ve had several EKGs in the past which came back normal. Is this just a withdrawal symptom or something?

 

[Cobalt5]

I am not really, going to get into specifics, but focusing on any bad experiences you had on the substances, (try to not think about them, but you will), and try to only remember the bad times. I like to forget about things, so as not to trigger, but that is long past.
However, as you are( hopefully) past that chapter in life, try to forget about it, and only focus on the bad. Jail, ruined relationships, withdrawal may not apply here( but for me, definitely), psychological anguish, adding up wasted money if the thoughts are too intrusive, (I don't think waking up next to a bed breaker( a fat chick) applies here, but not sure if something similar would come to mind). No offense to the plus sized women, I am just trying to tell him to focus on things he might find unappealing in his past use, if the urge to use comes up. Forget, the good times when that little devil appears on your shoulder and only remember the bad.
As a former drunk, I know this sounds really bad but: if you have no issues with alcohol, a few beers and a lot of good comedic movies, laughter can really help and probably will release some endorphins or something.( only drink if you are not inclined to alcoholism, and don't start drinking if you have had issues or have never drank before) Don't substitute one bad habit for another, but if not an issue; a few great comedies and a few drinks( will enhance the funny parts). Distraction, is the key, and don't get wasted.
Also, like I said don't substitute one bad habit for another, but if you are a light to moderate drinker, then why not enhance the good times? Besides a few drinks and a lot of laughs might help you sleep.
Good luck.

Alcohol has always been a good vice for me. Even in my heaviest drinking phases I never had a problem. In fact it improved some dysfunctional areas in my life.

I don’t think I’ll ever drink again though. When inhibitions are out the window, it may become a little too easy for me to slip back into this hole I’ve just crawled out of.

I think I’m going to go back to the good old teenage days and dig out my grinder and rolling papers. It’s the summer time and we have some beautiful herb available nowadays.

Thanks for taking your time and writing your suggestions bro

 

[Baphomet64]

I was addicted to meth for over 10 years I believe, and it was a horrible addiction, spending 60$ a day maintaining my ability to stay awake all night so I can stare and see hallucinations, I've been to the mental hospital somewhere between 8 and 10 times from staying awake for so long, what really helped me quit was I went to jail for 2 weeks straight, no way of getting drugs there! After that I got re addicted to prescription amphetamine pills

At first it was vyvanse then eventually I started freaking out on that stuff and decided to try good ol adderall again, adderall was the final nail in the coffin because for some reason in my experience it's more neurotoxic (drived me nuts and made me delusional) when I was in the amphetamine psychosis phase. IME with amphetamines you gotta suffer an awful lot before you decide enough is enough, I knew that if I didn't quit adderall I'd end up back in the mental hospital and just ghosted my psychiatrist for a bunch of years, possibly like 5 or 6? because she was trying to get me back on amphetamine despite what I'm explaining is happening to me.

From what I've seen with meth addiction is people tend to not quit, even if they go through something worse than I did most meth addicts I've met were in their 50s I believe after so many years of speed addiction it's just set in stone because I mean if someones taken speed for 20 - 30 years that's basically their entire life revolving around drugs

TL:DR You should probably find a way to quit while your ahead before it's been 10 years, meth turned me into a different person and I have not been able to turn back to who I really am after the 5 - 8 years I've been sober. What is destroyed is rebuilt stronger though, Ave Satanas!

 

[thatmf]

Aye. Obtaining meth (from my life experiences and environment) is difficult in London anyway, it’s always coke or weed in abundance. Adderall is virtually impossible lol. You usually need a connection and won’t just stumble upon it. So me deleting and blocking the contact is huge, and I can almost guarantee I’m not addicted enough to go through the effort of finding another contact.

Works in my favour

I just had another question - is chest tightness and a shortness of breath normal at this point? I’ve had several EKGs in the past which came back normal. Is this just a withdrawal symptom or something?

Yeah it's probably your respiratory system trying to find a baseline again. Should be gone in 3-4 weeks. If you can at some stage get into a light exercise routine (even just a walk every day or 2nd day).