ThatSpaceyKid
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2015
- Messages
- 338
Hello every one. It is me again that worthless piece of shit ThatSpaceyKid. An utter hopeless wreck. I am honestly scared of this time or year..... From October until May every single year there is so much trouble... I have been traumatized. I am more comfortable talking about it now.. But it still is triggering. I dont want too fall again. I dont wanna go back to this dark place. I'm "okay" but I'm not okay..... I havent taken my medication any more. I just smoke weed and ride it through. I'm past the point of being a helpless victim.. And into the acceptance and grief stage..... My 4th trip to rehab from December 2018 until August 2019 saved my life... If I'd of not. I'd of killed myself.
. I am actually working. I paid off my credit cards. Trying to tackle student loans. I am getting along with my family pretty well. No more domestic violence... I handle my panic attacks and I dont take it out in my family. Being home is very triggering. I just want to be free of all of this. The past 16 years of my life have been fucked up. The past 7 too. But the past 3 especially. My trauma is what makes recovery difficult and if not impossible for me. I am to far gone.... And ready to die honestly but not by my own hands. Life was difficult for me.
I need to just put this out some where.... I know no one cares ... Or needs to know all this... I'm just used to pouring it all out somewhere besides to my parents, siblings friends, etc. Because none of them give a #####. Its all my fault to them. It is my fault. But my trauma wasnt. I hate my life. Such a waste. I've been broken since I was 6 years old. Being molested at age 6 really screwed me up in the head. It isolated me and kept me from living my life. I dont know what intimacy is unless it is in the form of sex..... I Compulsively seek sex..... It made me hate myself and it made me dehumanize myself. I was different... I stayed silent until I was 21 because I was afraid of what others would think.... Then until my teens it was constant abuse at home in the form of verbal and emotional abuse... My dad has controlled my life since I was a kid up until I was 22. I always felt alone , unloved growing up, neglected, useless, sad ... And at times suicidal. Which began when I was 6 years old too. I tried to reach out to my family whi rejected me, pushed me, told me I was attention seeking, told me mental illness doesn't exist... But they didn't know about what happened.. My dad pushed and was hard on me. He yelled at me all the time and put me down. Told me I was nothing. This really had an effect.... There was and is no affection in our house as I live with my parents again ...... We just live together. I tried to bring them into my life and bond through hobbies.... But I was always rejected and pushed aside...
I had no friends. Period. I was alone my whole life basically... My cousins and even siblings dont want me. It hurts .. But I get it I'm just trash. I deserve to just get a bullet in my head. Itll fix every thing.... I would break down a lot after school. At 12 I started to cut myself. Until I was 21 I struggled with it. I had to deal with drug addiction in my family. My parents used to drink too. They'd argue and fight.....band yell and slam doors.... My dad would take out all his anger on us. I tried to kill myself when I was 14,15,16, and 21. The first two times were petty.. I just basically ate all the pills I could find.... Didnt go the hospital. Didnt get caught. Just had one horrible next few days.... Didnt reach out to anyone. When I was 16 I was gonna kill myself. I got my dads rifile and went into my parents room and loaded it. It was a 30'6 hunting rifle. I was tired of being alone, depressed, sad, bullied, and neglected at home... I put it to my head and pulled the trigger. It barely flew past a few cm. Causing the bullet to go through the wall. My brother and sister were home... I put the gun back and broke down in my room. I didnt tell anyone I started using hard drugs at 16 years old. Heroin and meth. I'm so hopelessly addicted to meth. But it's the only way I feel alive now. My dads abuse got worse when I was 16. I started to have nervous break downs and panic attacks......I killed myself at 21 with heroin but was revived. I attempted again at 21 by getting lost whilst drunk and high on meth iv and dehydrated in the forest with no water or anything besides my clothes....
I have to change this subject. I will edit. I am triggered. I just feel hopeless. I wanna succeed. I need help. I just dont want to he stuck in the stupid bs loops of mental health and behavioral health here.
I know this post will probably stay blank because I'm just nothing but a waste and worthless trash. And a useless meth head. But I had to get some of this out. I'm in emotional pain..
Part 2:
My traumas continue.... So when I was 21 I had had another psychotic break. This one was my 10th or so one since I was 17. I had been homeless. Living in my friends car. It had been several months. I need to back up and cover an event when I was 20 first this will explain.... So it was February 15th, 2017. At about 7 am. My father came and grabbed me. He told me to come see something. Under his truck in our yard. Lay a dead 21 year old woman. She had died from "Environmental exposure and drugs". Meth and alcohol were in her system they said. I knew nothing about her. I never seen her nor spoke to her ever. I never even heard of her. This was all chance.... I had been on one for a while now to. I was method out of my mind. Determined to die.... I was bad off... My friend and I had gotten wasted in the back roads the night before. Wasted.... In winter and below freezing temperatures... Yet she died. This event ruined me. The next years will be hell because of this day.... It set me off.....
In june 2017 ... Back to my psychotic break. I had come home to eat and change. My family was trying to intervene. We got into a loud argument. I had rage. I was on acid. Drunk and meth. It got bad. My mom and sister blocked the door. My dad came charging at me. I threw my sister aside. And pushed my mom. My dad came and hit me a few times. Then I grabbed a flash light a big metal one. And I beat my dad in the face a few times. And punched him. He. Started hitting me. Threw me off our little porch step. Kicked me. Then got on my and started pounding on my face. No I bit him and hit him and kicked. Cops came. I left to jail for the night. Got out.... got an assault..
I didnt come home for weeks after.... Backing up to April 2017. Things were so bad at home... I broke again... My dad confronted me.. We got into it. He took me to my grandmas to live.... Worst mistake. Right away me and my auntie went on one... This was traumatic because of my dads and my fights. And all the violence... One day my dad threw me down and punched me. I almost hit him back but was stopped by my aunt. My aunt got beat by her father in front of us. My dog died from parvovirus. I had gotten a pitbull puppy to save my life I thought and for comfort... It was very ill. on the night of her death per advice from a vet.. I snapped her neck to put her out of her misery.
... Ruined me. It was a day before mg Birthday. My 21st. I spent that night from 12 am until 8 am doing meth. I spent my 21st b day and celebrated it at the trap house with some homies.... My parents and sister came the next day to take me to dinner for my b day .. We got into it bad..... Bad.... And even into a fight at Red Lobster..... Lastly from this set... My dad was fed up. He cornered me in my grandmas room and held me to on the bed. He demanded me to empty my pockets and what not. .. It turned dark fast. He began to cry and crumble. He got his gun and pit it to his head and told me he would go first then I can decide but just to know I caused him to do this....
On the side when I was bout 10 . My uncle shane killed himself after years of drug abuse. Which was very traumatic..... It ruined my cousins and I watched it kill them as they grew up
. Anyways.... From when I was 16 until bout 21. I also experienced domestic violence among my two homies who i would tweak with daily and be with all the time.... They would even get physical .. My homie would threaten me . And verbally and emotionally abuse me.. It ended one night when I was fed up.
When I was 21 as well. I was with my home girl and homie at her house bout to smoke. When... Her husband came running in and told me I need to go now because Whispers had hung himself in his basement.... I got into with my brother in 2018. Breaking a candle over his head and knocking him out .. By now I was broken. I had been being abused by my supposed closest friend......
I was raped a few times... once when I was about 17. I was really high and with my homies. We were chilling. I had started acting stupid... I got knocked out with a bottle. And then taken to the room and fucked in my ass...... I dont even remember much. No one helped.. Another time I'd just gotten to high .. And had a black out.. And same thing I got tricked into having sex with these men I didn't know. I was 18 and with this guy from school... we were smoking weed. He was giving me a ride. We got drunk. And he took advantage. Also had anal sex with me....
When I was 22. I got caught by dad with this dude I was getting from... He caught me degrading myself by having sex for dope. I was also drunk. I blacked out. We got into it again. The cops came. Before they came I had had a bad panic attack and thought I was in danger... when my fight and flight kicked in.. I was stabbing the door in our kitchen when the cops arrived.
The other events I can recall were many encounters with law enforcement, detox, and ER staff which were fucked up. When I was 18 my homies and I almost all got blasted because they tried to trade this guy fake percs. At 22 I almost got shot because these dudes tried to set me up after they jacked someone....
I am trying.... Its hard... I ain't no bad ass. No crazy mofo... Just a lost soul.
Thank you for letting me get this out.....
. I am actually working. I paid off my credit cards. Trying to tackle student loans. I am getting along with my family pretty well. No more domestic violence... I handle my panic attacks and I dont take it out in my family. Being home is very triggering. I just want to be free of all of this. The past 16 years of my life have been fucked up. The past 7 too. But the past 3 especially. My trauma is what makes recovery difficult and if not impossible for me. I am to far gone.... And ready to die honestly but not by my own hands. Life was difficult for me.
I need to just put this out some where.... I know no one cares ... Or needs to know all this... I'm just used to pouring it all out somewhere besides to my parents, siblings friends, etc. Because none of them give a #####. Its all my fault to them. It is my fault. But my trauma wasnt. I hate my life. Such a waste. I've been broken since I was 6 years old. Being molested at age 6 really screwed me up in the head. It isolated me and kept me from living my life. I dont know what intimacy is unless it is in the form of sex..... I Compulsively seek sex..... It made me hate myself and it made me dehumanize myself. I was different... I stayed silent until I was 21 because I was afraid of what others would think.... Then until my teens it was constant abuse at home in the form of verbal and emotional abuse... My dad has controlled my life since I was a kid up until I was 22. I always felt alone , unloved growing up, neglected, useless, sad ... And at times suicidal. Which began when I was 6 years old too. I tried to reach out to my family whi rejected me, pushed me, told me I was attention seeking, told me mental illness doesn't exist... But they didn't know about what happened.. My dad pushed and was hard on me. He yelled at me all the time and put me down. Told me I was nothing. This really had an effect.... There was and is no affection in our house as I live with my parents again ...... We just live together. I tried to bring them into my life and bond through hobbies.... But I was always rejected and pushed aside...
I had no friends. Period. I was alone my whole life basically... My cousins and even siblings dont want me. It hurts .. But I get it I'm just trash. I deserve to just get a bullet in my head. Itll fix every thing.... I would break down a lot after school. At 12 I started to cut myself. Until I was 21 I struggled with it. I had to deal with drug addiction in my family. My parents used to drink too. They'd argue and fight.....band yell and slam doors.... My dad would take out all his anger on us. I tried to kill myself when I was 14,15,16, and 21. The first two times were petty.. I just basically ate all the pills I could find.... Didnt go the hospital. Didnt get caught. Just had one horrible next few days.... Didnt reach out to anyone. When I was 16 I was gonna kill myself. I got my dads rifile and went into my parents room and loaded it. It was a 30'6 hunting rifle. I was tired of being alone, depressed, sad, bullied, and neglected at home... I put it to my head and pulled the trigger. It barely flew past a few cm. Causing the bullet to go through the wall. My brother and sister were home... I put the gun back and broke down in my room. I didnt tell anyone I started using hard drugs at 16 years old. Heroin and meth. I'm so hopelessly addicted to meth. But it's the only way I feel alive now. My dads abuse got worse when I was 16. I started to have nervous break downs and panic attacks......I killed myself at 21 with heroin but was revived. I attempted again at 21 by getting lost whilst drunk and high on meth iv and dehydrated in the forest with no water or anything besides my clothes....
I have to change this subject. I will edit. I am triggered. I just feel hopeless. I wanna succeed. I need help. I just dont want to he stuck in the stupid bs loops of mental health and behavioral health here.
I know this post will probably stay blank because I'm just nothing but a waste and worthless trash. And a useless meth head. But I had to get some of this out. I'm in emotional pain..
Part 2:
My traumas continue.... So when I was 21 I had had another psychotic break. This one was my 10th or so one since I was 17. I had been homeless. Living in my friends car. It had been several months. I need to back up and cover an event when I was 20 first this will explain.... So it was February 15th, 2017. At about 7 am. My father came and grabbed me. He told me to come see something. Under his truck in our yard. Lay a dead 21 year old woman. She had died from "Environmental exposure and drugs". Meth and alcohol were in her system they said. I knew nothing about her. I never seen her nor spoke to her ever. I never even heard of her. This was all chance.... I had been on one for a while now to. I was method out of my mind. Determined to die.... I was bad off... My friend and I had gotten wasted in the back roads the night before. Wasted.... In winter and below freezing temperatures... Yet she died. This event ruined me. The next years will be hell because of this day.... It set me off.....
In june 2017 ... Back to my psychotic break. I had come home to eat and change. My family was trying to intervene. We got into a loud argument. I had rage. I was on acid. Drunk and meth. It got bad. My mom and sister blocked the door. My dad came charging at me. I threw my sister aside. And pushed my mom. My dad came and hit me a few times. Then I grabbed a flash light a big metal one. And I beat my dad in the face a few times. And punched him. He. Started hitting me. Threw me off our little porch step. Kicked me. Then got on my and started pounding on my face. No I bit him and hit him and kicked. Cops came. I left to jail for the night. Got out.... got an assault..
I didnt come home for weeks after.... Backing up to April 2017. Things were so bad at home... I broke again... My dad confronted me.. We got into it. He took me to my grandmas to live.... Worst mistake. Right away me and my auntie went on one... This was traumatic because of my dads and my fights. And all the violence... One day my dad threw me down and punched me. I almost hit him back but was stopped by my aunt. My aunt got beat by her father in front of us. My dog died from parvovirus. I had gotten a pitbull puppy to save my life I thought and for comfort... It was very ill. on the night of her death per advice from a vet.. I snapped her neck to put her out of her misery.
... Ruined me. It was a day before mg Birthday. My 21st. I spent that night from 12 am until 8 am doing meth. I spent my 21st b day and celebrated it at the trap house with some homies.... My parents and sister came the next day to take me to dinner for my b day .. We got into it bad..... Bad.... And even into a fight at Red Lobster..... Lastly from this set... My dad was fed up. He cornered me in my grandmas room and held me to on the bed. He demanded me to empty my pockets and what not. .. It turned dark fast. He began to cry and crumble. He got his gun and pit it to his head and told me he would go first then I can decide but just to know I caused him to do this....On the side when I was bout 10 . My uncle shane killed himself after years of drug abuse. Which was very traumatic..... It ruined my cousins and I watched it kill them as they grew up
. Anyways.... From when I was 16 until bout 21. I also experienced domestic violence among my two homies who i would tweak with daily and be with all the time.... They would even get physical .. My homie would threaten me . And verbally and emotionally abuse me.. It ended one night when I was fed up. When I was 21 as well. I was with my home girl and homie at her house bout to smoke. When... Her husband came running in and told me I need to go now because Whispers had hung himself in his basement.... I got into with my brother in 2018. Breaking a candle over his head and knocking him out .. By now I was broken. I had been being abused by my supposed closest friend......
I was raped a few times... once when I was about 17. I was really high and with my homies. We were chilling. I had started acting stupid... I got knocked out with a bottle. And then taken to the room and fucked in my ass...... I dont even remember much. No one helped.. Another time I'd just gotten to high .. And had a black out.. And same thing I got tricked into having sex with these men I didn't know. I was 18 and with this guy from school... we were smoking weed. He was giving me a ride. We got drunk. And he took advantage. Also had anal sex with me....
When I was 22. I got caught by dad with this dude I was getting from... He caught me degrading myself by having sex for dope. I was also drunk. I blacked out. We got into it again. The cops came. Before they came I had had a bad panic attack and thought I was in danger... when my fight and flight kicked in.. I was stabbing the door in our kitchen when the cops arrived.
The other events I can recall were many encounters with law enforcement, detox, and ER staff which were fucked up. When I was 18 my homies and I almost all got blasted because they tried to trade this guy fake percs. At 22 I almost got shot because these dudes tried to set me up after they jacked someone....
I am trying.... Its hard... I ain't no bad ass. No crazy mofo... Just a lost soul.
Thank you for letting me get this out.....
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