ThatSpaceyKid
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2015
- Messages
- 338
Not sure if this is the right place ... But I'll be honest I am struggling with my PTSD. I am constantly dissassociating or just zoning out. I isolate a lot. I am living with my parents again.... Which is where a lot of my trauma happened. Theres so much here that triggers me. I am trying. I cant stop reliving those horrible days. I want to cry a lot. I try to eat and stuff and I do. I dont really talk about my feelings and such with them. My dad is constantly trying to encourage me. But it doesnt always help. I feel the need to drink, smoke, to have sex, or some thing just any thing to end the stuff in my head. I literally dont feel any thing. I have bee getting stuck in my head so much that I am missing out on time with my family. I get glued to the phone or music as a way for me to try to focus or at least stop it.... When I zone out I constantly am reliving so much bad shit. Especially when me and my father found marissa wilson dead in our yard.. All the horrors of that day 3 years ago are still alive and fresh. I try to hold conversation with my family. But it always goes back to some thing. Or my dad brings up my uncle and their shit. Or we get stuck in the senseless loops of guilt, shame, fear, blame, etc. My dad doesnt yell any more at me. But he does yell at my brother and such.. I hate loud noises. I dont like when my family is sneaky, when they come behind me, when they are in the side of me, when they watch me out side, or when they hound me.... I am struggling...
I am hoping to start a job Monday. I need to get out of debt. I struggle holding a job.... I dont want to go back to doing hard drugs every day. I don't want to go back to the state of mind where I become violent or dangerous because of panic attacks and misinformed family members who only ever escalate and fuel the panic attacks. I dont wanna lose my family. I don't wanna be alone. I just want an okay life. I just wanna be able to live with my PTSD. .. I dont have support here besides my family. I.. Have no friends whatsoever... My PTSD prevents my friend ships from prospering or chases away potential ones once they are aware of it.
But I know.... I cant always control this. I have a lot of tools and stuff to cope. I have learned ways to manage. But at times I lose control. And go over board and end up on hard drugs and intoxicated often. I quit jobs. I stay home and go into this mode... I literally become unable to function. I become suicidal and stuff. I become full of rage. I cry and dont eat or sleep. I hurt myself at times... and I basically just stare at walls all day and dont do much. I know I can go back go this state any time...
BUT I DONT WANT TO. Would EMDR be an option.... I am able to face and accept the trauma better. I am 23 years old and I am literally having a crisis in my life. I have been since I was 16. What would you guys suggest. I know this a pointless post.... Because there is no answer for this... But i am willing to try things I've not done.
I am hoping to start a job Monday. I need to get out of debt. I struggle holding a job.... I dont want to go back to doing hard drugs every day. I don't want to go back to the state of mind where I become violent or dangerous because of panic attacks and misinformed family members who only ever escalate and fuel the panic attacks. I dont wanna lose my family. I don't wanna be alone. I just want an okay life. I just wanna be able to live with my PTSD. .. I dont have support here besides my family. I.. Have no friends whatsoever... My PTSD prevents my friend ships from prospering or chases away potential ones once they are aware of it.
But I know.... I cant always control this. I have a lot of tools and stuff to cope. I have learned ways to manage. But at times I lose control. And go over board and end up on hard drugs and intoxicated often. I quit jobs. I stay home and go into this mode... I literally become unable to function. I become suicidal and stuff. I become full of rage. I cry and dont eat or sleep. I hurt myself at times... and I basically just stare at walls all day and dont do much. I know I can go back go this state any time...
BUT I DONT WANT TO. Would EMDR be an option.... I am able to face and accept the trauma better. I am 23 years old and I am literally having a crisis in my life. I have been since I was 16. What would you guys suggest. I know this a pointless post.... Because there is no answer for this... But i am willing to try things I've not done.