is it healthy to be off put by strangers kindness? After being traumatized repeatedly I no longer can trust anyone and become Uber suspicious when people show an interest in me, especially if they are extra kind. Is this how I should have been all along ? Sucks that those I should be able to trust already many take offense that I've lost trust in them and express an interest in building it back up.
Is it healthly? Maybe not.
Is it normal? Absolutely.
I have experienced all sorts of inabilities to trust people in my life. From traumatic shit that happened to me/ptsd, from learned experiences when I was using. There's lots of things that have made it extremely difficult to be able to trust anyone and it's taken a long time to be able to show trust in other people.
Even now, with the exception of my immediate family, my mother and my brother. I can't honestly say there's anyone I absolutely trust completely beyond any question or doubt.
Much as I'd want too.. When you've had your trust betrayed, and especially when you've had something very traumatic happen (or many somethings), it's extremely hard to completely trust anyone.
You're always on guard for potential threats. Everyone around you, as much as you might trust them and want to trust them. There's still that tiny part of you that can't help but wonder.
The lessons trauma teaches you at a subconscious level are tremendously powerful. And one of them is that just about everyone and anyone could be a threat.
Over time it has gotten better, but it's been a very very slow progression to be able to trust people to any great degree, and there will be setbacks, times when you feel your trust has been betrayed that will set off so much of your inability to trust anyone again.
And yeah, people being kind or nice to you is also something I sometimes struggle with.
It's not uncommon between ptsd and depression to also feel a lot of self loathing. And when people are nice to you you can't help but feel suspicious. Like that they have to be lying to you. That they can't really honestly care about you.
And if they're lying to you, why? What are they trying to get from you?
I get it.
@n3ophy7e s suggestion to seek therapy is probably a good one. I tried it a long time ago to limited success. But others have had a lot more success than me and I think it's worth a try.
Ironically one of the hardest parts for me is inability to trust therapists and shrinks enough to be honest with them. When you don't like yourself it's hard to be honest. Virtually everyone has a desire to be liked. But if you feel self loathing you feel like opening up to people is opening yourself up to betrayal and rejection.
And even if they do like you, then you think they're liking the more distant version of you, that they wouldn't if they knew the real you. Or that they're lying which gets back into that trust problem again.
It's not easy.
It does get better though, little by little, over time.
So yeah, is it healthy? Probably not, but it's normal, what is that thing people say about ptsd? It's a normal reaction to extremely abnormal circumstances. Like most any animal we do a great job of quickly learning and adapting to whatever environment we seem to be in, with early experiences setting the foundation for how we'll see the whole world.
And if your early experiences are traumatic, you can't help but react as if the whole world is a threat. That danger could come from anywhere, and anyone, at any time.
