Trust me friend, you need to laugh. Always. I have a huge sense of humor, sometimes dark, and I laugh at myself constantly. The day I stop laughing I know something is seriously very wrong with me.
I love knowing that people can still laugh & make light of a dark past. Some of my favorite memes are dark memes about H use or the similar experiences we've all had using any D.O.C.
I don't like attention in public/from family/friends so I haven't been sad in front of hardly anyone. Putting on a smile is easy when you don't want people to know why you're hurting, & I'm kind of hoping the "fake it till you make it" thing holds true, bc I'm fantastic at seeming a-ok in front of others.
Hey, just being real with you, there's no way you're going to find pure fent powder on the dark net so easily like that. I've never seen it. It's not available domestically and if you imported it then it would most likely be seized. Stay away from the too-good-to-be-true vritual candy shop friend. I haven't been on there in 7 months and that's why I've been sober
That gives me motivation to quit researching how to get this & that off the Dark web. For some reason I've always been really careless about getting caught. I guess it's bc I've been lucky enough to be let go after getting hand cuffed...Every time & have only been in a holding cell for 6hrs, never been to jail... The state I live in is wayyyy to nice to us junkies. Oregon is probably nicer to addicts than the state of Washington, if you did a living homeless in Portland VS Seattle type thing, I think Portland would win by a long shot.
I get it, but these fantasies are not healthy. Forget about fent. It's a busted shit ass drug anyways. I never found any euphoria in it at all.
I'm a HUGE hypocrite, because when I was a H addict I felt the EXACT same way about Fent. I'd go on rants to other users about how I could never even feel a "high" from trying the blues & that they're over priced & a waste of $ and a high.. but somehow I quit using H just so I could smoke only blues... fentanyl Is a bitch of a drug.
Just being real with you here - if you're thinking about how to get as high as possible on fentanyl analogues for the lowest price (who hasn't?) maybe we need to focus on why you want that.
I'd love to figure out why I can't just stay sober, I think it's just boredom. I used to be a PC gamer in middle/high school but gave it up to hang w/friends in HS & had little hobbies like playing softball or nail art but now I really don't have a passion for anything besides getting/finding my next high.
I think there is some healing that needs to be done. I'm just curious - have you ever been to rehab, jail or mental wards or anything like that?
I go to a methadone treatment facility by choice, but they kind of for the most part leave us alone, even when our UAs come up dirty they don't force classes or anything on us :/ They kind of intervened when I came to dose after my bf passed, they all knew him in person as he & I started going there together.
I talked to my nurse & asked for a 10mg increase in my dose bc I was super fentanyl sick as I had run out of money & couldn't handle going to work sick. They sent me to my counselor to talk about relapsing & upped my dosage to 80mg the next morning. My counselor felt for me as she knew exactly why I had relapsed but I don't think she understood that my bf was the 1 keeping us from becoming raging fentanyl addicts. We used around the same amount every month & sharing blues + our methadone kept us from withdrawing super bad. But when he was away in hospitals for months, I increased my usage by 100% and withdrawals became unbearable. Especially when he passed, I put my bank acct on negative $250 just to get high for one night & had to endure withdrawals for days bc of it.
I'd like to try therapy/counseling even a medical ward or jail might change my perspective on using again... But my grandma & mom who raised me are/were very religious & my gma didnt believe in treating my panic attacks as a child with medications, especially since I was young but they hid them from me and told me I had a gluten allergy.
The Dr suggested giving me a problem for why I was always "sick & acting weird" and then give me the solution. So they chose a gluten allergy that 7+yrs ago I had just found out I didn't have, & I really had panic attacks.
Even in college 3yrs ago when I missed my finals on accident bc I misread the schedule (& was shooting up H daily before & after school) I had a raging panic attack in front of 2 other H users when I discovered I had missed finals & They we're like wtf is going on why is she acting crazy about a simple mistake. They'd known me for 2yrs & it was their 1st time seeing me flip out & even for myself it was a surprise to have a panic attack, after years of forgetting I had them.
I tried to go to the Drs to get mental help two weeks ago when everything was going down, but all they did was lab tests - sent me home w/ a script for UTI meds & they were happy to find out I was HIV negative. They haven't called back to schedule an upcoming appt. Like they said they would. Ill call them today & explain I need mental help bc I'm tired of not being able to control when I'll flip out over something small or flip out & not know why for days until I discover the reason behind my stress.
It seems simple, the reason right now is bc my loved one is dead and gone & there's nothing I'll ever be able to do about it but "cope". I'm afraid to ask for medicine to help being sad/panic attacks bc I'm a drug user they'll think I'm seeking out Xanax or something to get high & I'm not I just want to be/appear normal. Even as a child I had panic attacks I skipped the entire 3rd grade bc I would cry & flip out every morning & my mom had to go to work so she let me stay home from school w/my grandma & play sick all year. That's when they took me to the Drs & told me I was allergic to gluten & that's why I was sick 24/7. Drs should never tell parents to lie to their children it's really fucked me up thinking I was normal all those yrs to find out I'm actually unstable asf.
I also whole heartdly believed in God, being raised hardcore Christian. But in H.S my step dad told me every culture has a "god" bc we as humans can't accept that we were accidents & we have no real purpose. It hit me hard & destroyed my faith, I don't believe in anything but love now.
If you have any advice on what to say to my new Dr, about needing help for grief & depression maybe, but mostly my random panic attacks, I'm definitely all ears now.
Friend, you are on the right website to do just that! If you want to see the less serious more social side of bluelight you can go to The Lounge or other forums. We aren't all about drugs and doom + gloom.
https://discord.gg/v9R9UBG7 here is the social BL discord, we are quite active over there. We're here to talk, anytime
I'd love to check out the lounge, it's nice to not focus on only my problems every sec of every day, & try to get my mind off my loss right now, & look forward to what life could be if I change my ways sooner rather than later.
It makes me sad that I'm not 100% sure what discord is knowing that I used to be such a huge PC gamer 10yrs ago lol but I'll definitely Google it & check it out!
I need something to fill my time if I'm going to get serious about stopping my fetty use for good.
Thank you so much for your help, I think the reason I haven't had a panic attack since my bf passed is bc I knew he was getting worse & I know I'm an addict who needs help, and denying the problems I have is always what caused stress to turn into a panic attack so letting me vent I think is saving me right now, ty ty ty! & I hope you have a great day helping others like me!
-Kae
