Pickledlemons
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2017
- Messages
- 2,014
Hey guys I had a very strange experience a few weeks ago. I thought I would write it down before I forget the details. Maybe somebody could shed some light on my experience.
I wont go into much detail on my use. But I usually take 5mg of suboxone a day. I had a bit of a slip and switched to fentanyl for about a week. During this period I also did a small amount of meth. A very small amount, for a couple days during the week. Not even enough to keep me up at night. And when I was done with this binge I went and took my subs again. I used to be careful and wait a full 24 hours after my last use. However I had pushed the limits here a few times before and never suffered any consequences. That... and I thought fentanyl had a higher affinity for the receptors and therefore wouldn't send me into precip withdrawals. Biggest mistake I have ever made.
So I had just taken my subs and was driving to my girlfriends house... I was starting to feel off. I was coughing up a lot of phlegm... and feeling cold. I arrived in the driveway and walked inside, feeling even worse I hopped onto the couch. But almost immediately I felt like I had to take a shit so I got up and went to the bathroom...
And thats when it hit me. I started to feel really ashamed for my actions the past week. I started hearing voices from my friends and family. It felt like they were spinning around my head. It was like they were taunting me. I started to cry. I was still sitting there on the toilet. I looked down at my hairy legs. They looked like a spooky forest, I started imagining that I was covered in spiders. I didn't see the spiders, but my hair was morphing in a way that it took the shape of spiders. This doesn't feel like withdrawal, I thought... this feels like a shroom trip. I even got that 'returning home' and 'real life is a lie' feelings that you get from shrooms.
So I dont know how long I was in the washroom, but it must have been a long time because as soon as I got out, my girlfriend walked in the house, and she had just gone shopping in the time I took a crap. My face was all red from crying. She could see I wasn't doing so good and sent me to her room. I guess we will call her 'Katie' from here. She had brought a friend over... 'Melanie' we'll call her. I was not stoked about having somebody over... So I ran up the stairs to Katies room and laid in bed.
My mental state was rapidly deteriorating... The walls were starting to melt. I was getting very restless and I was coughing uncontrollably. I remember wondering what the hell was happening to me but I didn't even have the ability to pull out my phone and do a google search. I just laid there and had the scariest most unbearable experience of my life. I remember I felt like a giant was holding me in his hands and crushing and squeezing and tearing me apart. I felt like my organs were being ripped out of me. Both in the pain I felt and also in my mind. It felt like I was on Salvia at this point.
Next I remember that I was trying really hard to calm down as I was freaking out. I was trying to change my mindset to get some control on this 'trip'. I kept saying to myself ' Just go with the flow' ... and I did. I started feeling like I was a wave in the ocean. I felt better for about 10 seconds until the storm came, and water started crashing all around me. I started to feel like I was drowning. All the sand from the water was getting in my eyes and hurting them ( Though in reality it was just my tears).
At this point I realized that a more traditional withdrawal had started to accompany my hallucinations. I was shaking and sweating, and my legs would not stop kicking no matter how hard I tried. Katie finally came in to the room and found me. I couldn't even speak. I was so ashamed of myself all I could do was hug her and cry. Eventually I was able to communicate that I was in precipitated withdrawals and asked her to find out what I should do and how long it would last... and if hallucinations are a normal effect. She left the room and Melanie came in. She is also a drug user but I dont know her very well and I really didn't want her there. She offered me an oxy-neo. I refused as I didn't think it would help and would probably prolong the effects. She did end up giving me some klonopin and half a clonidine. She told me I would feel like this for another 12ish hours and that I should wait 24 hours before taking more suboxone but at very least 14.
This continued for a few more hours. The girls kept coming in every few minutes to check on me. I felt a little better, Maybe because of the klonopin. But it didn't last. I started getting scared whenever somebody wasnt in the room. I kept seeing people walk in the door... people that werent actually there. Then the girl from hard candy was on the ceiling taunting me... it kind of reminded me of trainspotting where the baby was crawling on the ceiling. I always thought that was an exaggeration. I guess not. Withdrawal can actually be that bad.
Anyway... I started panicking and called katie in. I wouldn't let go of her. she was the only thing keeping me grounded in reality. But I was starting to realize another reality. I was going to have to get to sleep at some point. It was 9PM at that time. I had some seroquel at my house. Katie offered to get it for me but I was too scared to have her leave the room. Eventually we agreed that she would leave but would stay on the phone with me the whole time.
Melanie stayed with me and thats when she realized how much I was hallucinating. I was seeing birds flying around her head. When I said that to her she was getting pretty concerned. Katie eventually came back. Melanie said she has never seen withdrawal like what I was experiencing... and suggested maybe I go to the hospital. I refused. I know that may have been somewhat selfish of me looking back but I knew W/D wasn't lethal and didn't want to tarnish my good standing at the suboxone clinic. So I took the the seroquel. I didn't fall asleep but it shut my brain off enough that it was much more bearable. I kept taking more until I was out. 3 and a half pills altogether I think. I cant remember the dosage. At around 12:30 Katie found my phenibut and I was overjoyed. I knew between that and the seroquel I would finally be able to sleep. Took half a gram and finally dozed off.
What a hellish experience. This happened on a Friday night. Saturday I still felt like shit and couldn't get out of bed. But it was a million times better than the night before. I tried taking 2mg of suboxone saturday night. I didn't get any relief from it.... so I just took some more phenibut which helped wonders again. Sunday afternoon I took my full suboxone dose. It was enough to stop my restless legs. Sunday evening I was able to leave the house for the first time. But only for a few minutes. I was still unbelievably exhausted. It wasn't until Tuesday I felt 80% better and not until thursday that I was completely back to myself.
It has been almost 3 weeks.... Since this experience I have cleaned up my life a lot. I haven't touched any drugs other than my suboxone. I have moved some bad people out of my life. And I have oddly enough... become very tidy. I was so ashamed with myself that night, I have been working hard to shed that layer. I threw away a lot of my things. I bought new furniture. I bought new clothes. I clean every day because of how disgusted I was with myself. Anything that reminds me of that week I want OUT of my life.
I have never read anything about opiate withdrawal being psychedelic... So that is a big mystery for me. Katie told me she looked it up and found out that hallucinations can happen if there is an underlying condition. AND... I do have HPPD. When I was 14 I did mushrooms and acid together and ever since then I have had a change in my visual perception. That is the closest thing I have to an explanation. Severe precipitated withdrawal combined with my HPPD brought on the hallucinations. I have also considered the meth had something to do with it... but I did very little and didn't lose any sleep. And it felt much more like a mushroom trip then it did amphetamine psychosis. Anyway, if anybody has any insight into this experience it would be appreciated. Thanks!
TLDR; I went into precipitated opiate withdrawal and tripped balls like I was on mushrooms. It would be cool to get an idea why.
I wont go into much detail on my use. But I usually take 5mg of suboxone a day. I had a bit of a slip and switched to fentanyl for about a week. During this period I also did a small amount of meth. A very small amount, for a couple days during the week. Not even enough to keep me up at night. And when I was done with this binge I went and took my subs again. I used to be careful and wait a full 24 hours after my last use. However I had pushed the limits here a few times before and never suffered any consequences. That... and I thought fentanyl had a higher affinity for the receptors and therefore wouldn't send me into precip withdrawals. Biggest mistake I have ever made.
So I had just taken my subs and was driving to my girlfriends house... I was starting to feel off. I was coughing up a lot of phlegm... and feeling cold. I arrived in the driveway and walked inside, feeling even worse I hopped onto the couch. But almost immediately I felt like I had to take a shit so I got up and went to the bathroom...
And thats when it hit me. I started to feel really ashamed for my actions the past week. I started hearing voices from my friends and family. It felt like they were spinning around my head. It was like they were taunting me. I started to cry. I was still sitting there on the toilet. I looked down at my hairy legs. They looked like a spooky forest, I started imagining that I was covered in spiders. I didn't see the spiders, but my hair was morphing in a way that it took the shape of spiders. This doesn't feel like withdrawal, I thought... this feels like a shroom trip. I even got that 'returning home' and 'real life is a lie' feelings that you get from shrooms.
So I dont know how long I was in the washroom, but it must have been a long time because as soon as I got out, my girlfriend walked in the house, and she had just gone shopping in the time I took a crap. My face was all red from crying. She could see I wasn't doing so good and sent me to her room. I guess we will call her 'Katie' from here. She had brought a friend over... 'Melanie' we'll call her. I was not stoked about having somebody over... So I ran up the stairs to Katies room and laid in bed.
My mental state was rapidly deteriorating... The walls were starting to melt. I was getting very restless and I was coughing uncontrollably. I remember wondering what the hell was happening to me but I didn't even have the ability to pull out my phone and do a google search. I just laid there and had the scariest most unbearable experience of my life. I remember I felt like a giant was holding me in his hands and crushing and squeezing and tearing me apart. I felt like my organs were being ripped out of me. Both in the pain I felt and also in my mind. It felt like I was on Salvia at this point.
Next I remember that I was trying really hard to calm down as I was freaking out. I was trying to change my mindset to get some control on this 'trip'. I kept saying to myself ' Just go with the flow' ... and I did. I started feeling like I was a wave in the ocean. I felt better for about 10 seconds until the storm came, and water started crashing all around me. I started to feel like I was drowning. All the sand from the water was getting in my eyes and hurting them ( Though in reality it was just my tears).
At this point I realized that a more traditional withdrawal had started to accompany my hallucinations. I was shaking and sweating, and my legs would not stop kicking no matter how hard I tried. Katie finally came in to the room and found me. I couldn't even speak. I was so ashamed of myself all I could do was hug her and cry. Eventually I was able to communicate that I was in precipitated withdrawals and asked her to find out what I should do and how long it would last... and if hallucinations are a normal effect. She left the room and Melanie came in. She is also a drug user but I dont know her very well and I really didn't want her there. She offered me an oxy-neo. I refused as I didn't think it would help and would probably prolong the effects. She did end up giving me some klonopin and half a clonidine. She told me I would feel like this for another 12ish hours and that I should wait 24 hours before taking more suboxone but at very least 14.
This continued for a few more hours. The girls kept coming in every few minutes to check on me. I felt a little better, Maybe because of the klonopin. But it didn't last. I started getting scared whenever somebody wasnt in the room. I kept seeing people walk in the door... people that werent actually there. Then the girl from hard candy was on the ceiling taunting me... it kind of reminded me of trainspotting where the baby was crawling on the ceiling. I always thought that was an exaggeration. I guess not. Withdrawal can actually be that bad.
Anyway... I started panicking and called katie in. I wouldn't let go of her. she was the only thing keeping me grounded in reality. But I was starting to realize another reality. I was going to have to get to sleep at some point. It was 9PM at that time. I had some seroquel at my house. Katie offered to get it for me but I was too scared to have her leave the room. Eventually we agreed that she would leave but would stay on the phone with me the whole time.
Melanie stayed with me and thats when she realized how much I was hallucinating. I was seeing birds flying around her head. When I said that to her she was getting pretty concerned. Katie eventually came back. Melanie said she has never seen withdrawal like what I was experiencing... and suggested maybe I go to the hospital. I refused. I know that may have been somewhat selfish of me looking back but I knew W/D wasn't lethal and didn't want to tarnish my good standing at the suboxone clinic. So I took the the seroquel. I didn't fall asleep but it shut my brain off enough that it was much more bearable. I kept taking more until I was out. 3 and a half pills altogether I think. I cant remember the dosage. At around 12:30 Katie found my phenibut and I was overjoyed. I knew between that and the seroquel I would finally be able to sleep. Took half a gram and finally dozed off.
What a hellish experience. This happened on a Friday night. Saturday I still felt like shit and couldn't get out of bed. But it was a million times better than the night before. I tried taking 2mg of suboxone saturday night. I didn't get any relief from it.... so I just took some more phenibut which helped wonders again. Sunday afternoon I took my full suboxone dose. It was enough to stop my restless legs. Sunday evening I was able to leave the house for the first time. But only for a few minutes. I was still unbelievably exhausted. It wasn't until Tuesday I felt 80% better and not until thursday that I was completely back to myself.
It has been almost 3 weeks.... Since this experience I have cleaned up my life a lot. I haven't touched any drugs other than my suboxone. I have moved some bad people out of my life. And I have oddly enough... become very tidy. I was so ashamed with myself that night, I have been working hard to shed that layer. I threw away a lot of my things. I bought new furniture. I bought new clothes. I clean every day because of how disgusted I was with myself. Anything that reminds me of that week I want OUT of my life.
I have never read anything about opiate withdrawal being psychedelic... So that is a big mystery for me. Katie told me she looked it up and found out that hallucinations can happen if there is an underlying condition. AND... I do have HPPD. When I was 14 I did mushrooms and acid together and ever since then I have had a change in my visual perception. That is the closest thing I have to an explanation. Severe precipitated withdrawal combined with my HPPD brought on the hallucinations. I have also considered the meth had something to do with it... but I did very little and didn't lose any sleep. And it felt much more like a mushroom trip then it did amphetamine psychosis. Anyway, if anybody has any insight into this experience it would be appreciated. Thanks!
TLDR; I went into precipitated opiate withdrawal and tripped balls like I was on mushrooms. It would be cool to get an idea why.
