Please help, my husband died, I can't cope or function, any advice?

[Captainzo]

My husband told me he used to abuse meth and heroin many years ago before I knew him. For as long as I've known him I never thought he was using drugs. He was a loving husband, devoted father, and only one year out of law school already got a job working at one of the most prestiges law firms in the country. About two months ago I found out I was pregnant, I decided not to tell him until I saw the doctor because I've had a couple miscarriages and it dramatically effected booth of us. Right around that time he was very stressed from work and became extremely aggressive to me. He got physical twice with me that week. I was scared and stupidly wanted to teach him a lesson that he couldn't ever put his hands on me so I told him to stay at his moms until I decide if we should get a divorse. I honestly would never leave him but I figured this was the best way to stop the violence, plus I have a baby inside of me I had to think of. He was emotional broken, he begged and cried for me to take him back. After kicking him out for two days he definitely got the point and I was supposed to meet him for dinner that night once we booth finished work and I was going to tell him to move back in. I got off work that night later than planned and called him once I got off. He didn't answer so I figured he had a long day at work and probably fell asleep. The next day I found out he died the night before from a heroin/fentenal OD in his mother's bathroom. I immediately fell apart. The love of my life is dead because I triggured him to relapse. To make the situation worse his family reminded me constantly how it was my fault. I wasn't even allowed to go to my husband's funeral. My parents flew me back home for a week for emotional support. When I flew back home booth of our cars were missing from the driveway. I went inside my house and every item we owned was gone. My husband took out a loan to pay for booth the cars, even though i paid every payment and down payment for booth cars his mother felt obligated to turn booth cars in when I was gone. His family took all his belongings and either sold or threw my stuff away, the house was totally empty. I don't have one thing of his or one item that we bought together as a memory. This was inconvidient, but the least of my worries. All I can think about is how I don't want to live my life without him. I finally met and married the man of my dreams and he's dead. I'm loosing my mind. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any suggestions on what helps? Please help. I'm seriously so close to checking myself in somewhere.

 

[aihfl]

You should seek professional medical attention IMO. This is pretty heavy shit to take on by yourself. A psychiatrist can stabilize your mental condition with meds, at which point you can work through psychological issues with a psychotherapist.

 

[benzodmt]

I am so so sorry. I lost a brother last year aged 35..They say time is the greatest healer well it does get better.. there is plenty of help out there as mentioned before. I really do feel for you. Sending my best wishes and love your way..

 

[Captainzo]

Thank you Aihfl and Benzodmt, i do see a psychiatrist and psychologist. But I still think I'm going crazy. I normally am mentally stable but i think i should check myself into a nut house. I've never thought about killing myself before but I would do anything to be with him. Every day I have to talk myself out of it because I miss him so much. The only thing that's stopping me is i wouldn't wish this pain onto anyone and if I were to die my mom would be 10 times worse than me. I could never hurt her like that. Every time there is the smallest thing wrong with me like a cold she is literally on the next flight traveling 3000+ miles to make sure I'm okay (I'm not joking). She cries and begs me to move back to my hometown in oregon even though she visits me once a month I can't imagine the pain she would feel if I passed away.

 

[aihfl]

I normally am mentally stable but i think i should check myself into a nut house.

I actually think that's a good idea. The last two times I needed to detox I went voluntarily. The first time, I called and asked a friend to drive me, and the second, my ex-wife and her friend came over to check on me and suggested I go. I complied, because if they called the police, I would have been taken to the county-run facility where treatment is nonexistent and it only exists to warehouse mentally ill people who would otherwise be on the street.

I really think a quiet getaway where you can receive real help is a good idea, just make sure it's a good facility. The only complaint I would have is it's kind of boring, but given what the lives or alcoholics, junkies and our families and loved ones are like, boring isn't bad. Take a lot of comfortable clothes, good reading material and just chill for as long as it takes for you to get all this sorted out. Like I said before, this is some heavy shit, and an outpatient schedule doesn't sound like it's going to be enough. Continue with the outpatient after you're discharged, and again, do it for as long as it takes.

 

[Erikmen]

My husband told me he used to abuse meth and heroin many years ago before I knew him. For as long as I've known him I never thought he was using drugs. He was a loving husband, devoted father, and only one year out of law school already got a job working at one of the most prestiges law firms in the country. About two months ago I found out I was pregnant, I decided not to tell him until I saw the doctor because I've had a couple miscarriages and it dramatically effected booth of us. Right around that time he was very stressed from work and became extremely aggressive to me. He got physical twice with me that week. I was scared and stupidly wanted to teach him a lesson that he couldn't ever put his hands on me so I told him to stay at his moms until I decide if we should get a divorse. I honestly would never leave him but I figured this was the best way to stop the violence, plus I have a baby inside of me I had to think of. He was emotional broken, he begged and cried for me to take him back. After kicking him out for two days he definitely got the point and I was supposed to meet him for dinner that night once we booth finished work and I was going to tell him to move back in. I got off work that night later than planned and called him once I got off. He didn't answer so I figured he had a long day at work and probably fell asleep. The next day I found out he died the night before from a heroin/fentenal OD in his mother's bathroom. I immediately fell apart. The love of my life is dead because I triggured him to relapse. To make the situation worse his family reminded me constantly how it was my fault. I wasn't even allowed to go to my husband's funeral. My parents flew me back home for a week for emotional support. When I flew back home booth of our cars were missing from the driveway. I went inside my house and every item we owned was gone. My husband took out a loan to pay for booth the cars, even though i paid every payment and down payment for booth cars his mother felt obligated to turn booth cars in when I was gone. His family took all his belongings and either sold or threw my stuff away, the house was totally empty. I don't have one thing of his or one item that we bought together as a memory. This was inconvidient, but the least of my worries. All I can think about is how I don't want to live my life without him. I finally met and married the man of my dreams and he's dead. I'm loosing my mind. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any suggestions on what helps? Please help. I'm seriously so close to checking myself in somewhere.

I'm sorry you are going through this pain now. There aren't enough words to say how much that hurts, but you need to understand none of this was your fault. Once you are an addict or even use drugs in a recreational way relapsing is all about timing and being aggressive and physical with you was probably a sign that he was already triggered to use (maybe he was already doing it, we'll never know) but rest assured that this couldn't possibly be your fault. That's how addiction works, we have good periods and they can last for years and years and you can literally be triggered by a film or thinking about it after a long day. It's the condition itself that has lead him to do what he did.

I know it will be hard for you to understand this, and I can totally relate to you in regards to feeling down and sad. This takes time, and don't mind those who are telling you had anything to do with it. They don't know enough, they were not inside his mind. Besides, they are as angry with life as you are and talking to you like that may give them the a false feeling of resolution. I'm sure they have seem him like that before so you got to understand that this is all about time, patience and acceptance. I feel your pain, and as much as I would like to take these thoughts out of your mind I feel you need to do that yourself. Feelings are not rational, we try to find logic to non logic aspects of life. Accept your suffering but don't blame yourself, I'm old enough to have seem so many people lose their beloved ones to drugs and feel guilty. Trust me, whatever you may have said to him was the right thing to to at that time and that doesn't make you responsible for his passing.

You should probably try to look for someone more neutral that could talk to you, someone you trust, someone that can be there for you - even if you need to go to a doctor. I feel you must address these feelings accordingly, so that you suffer because of the loss but not out of guilty.

I wish you the best of life right now. Keep posting, we'll try to help you as much as we can.

 

[herbavore]

You should not take on the guilt and shame on his family for using you as someone to blame. If your husband physically abused you it makes perfect sense that you would not only ask but demand that he stay away--and two days? That is not very much time at all. The love of your life should not be aggressive due to outside stress and he certainly should not have hit you. I do not doubt at all that you loved him very much and your grief is palpable, but do not gloss over the abuse--even now. Especially now. You had every right and responsibility to set the boundary you did set. And most importantly, do not allow his family to poison your thinking. You did not push your husband into doing what he did. It sounds like he had a very difficult time with stress and that surely had more to do with his using than anything else. It was also very likely an accidental overdose--how are you responsible in any way? Families in grief often look for something or someone to blame--especially when it is their child. Just see that as their problem to deal with--because it is.

What does your psychiatrist or therapist think of your desire to check yourself into a psych ward? If you feel at all in danger of trying to take your own life it could be a safe place for you. What kind of support do you have outside of your mom? Do you have good friends where you are now? It would be good to let someone near you know how you are feeling and ask for some extra companionship or whatever you think would help. It's hard to ask but the truth is that everyone wants to help and usually can't figure out how.

 

[Reanimator13]

EVERY drug user rolls the dice when they use. Its a choice they make. Its a risk. HE made that choice. Not YOU!!!! If he loved you and he was here right now he would tell you that. He would want you to have a good life. Not a life wracked with guilt and sorrow. Grieve for your loss... But do not take responsibility for his actions.

Go and have a good life... Its what any loving person would want for someone they loved.

R13

 

[gmlifer]

EVERY drug user rolls the dice when they use. Its a choice they make. Its a risk. HE made that choice. Not YOU!!!! If he loved you and he was here right now he would tell you that. He would want you to have a good life. Not a life wracked with guilt and sorrow. Grieve for your loss... But do not take responsibility for his actions.

Go and have a good life... Its what any loving person would want for someone they loved.

R13

Well said. You don't actually know how long he was using before he od'ed. It is not your place to take the blame.