thanks for the kind words i really need them right now!! im sooooooo fucking compulsive and self destructing i wanna be actually really happy!! i have'nt felt happiness or real honest love and compassion in 11 years and believe me i know thats exactly the year the last of my innocence got sucked out of me!!! i remember exactly when the fun ended and my worst nightmare began!! tumbling further down the rabbit hole and the more i dug myself down the more i lost everything!! self worth, kindness, honesty, compassion, love, self esteem, friends, family!!!! all i gained in these years is sorrow, pain, meloncally, hatred, self bondage, hurt, loss, anxiety, felonys, jail, rehabs, overdoses!! I WANT SO BAD TO GO BACK TO MY REAL TRUE SELF!!!! BE A LOST BOY or in my case GIRL!! I dont know or remember my real self!!! sorry for rambling, i really need an outlet and thismis the only place i have!!! Thanks guys!!!
I know exactly how you feel, but all those good feelings actually do come back. The first to come back is laughter. After recovering from acute withdrawal, after a couple weeks to a month everything just seems hilarious. Just gotta give it TIME. I know time goes so fuckin slow while you are going thru it, and it is torturous. Seconds are minutes, minutes are hours, and hours seem like days, but it will pass. Since the drug in question is fentanyl, which I have kicked before and it was definitely very painful for a couple days, but the worst was over by day 4. Physical symptoms subside, maybe only a lingering hot sweat every so often, but tolerable. I imagine it's because of my nerves still recovering from the battle inside my body, but it's nothing a good dose of gabapentin can't handle.
Really the only thing that stuck for a couple weeks was no sleep. I remember one time I got picked up on a warrant, cuz the place I was staying at got raided cuz they suspected a meth lab inside the apartment. Well anywayz, I got taken to the Cuyahoga County Justice Center for a contempt of court warrant. If you tell them that you will be withdrawaling, they will give you detox meds for 4 days and get you thru the worst of it.
So while I was getting booked in there and was starting to withdrawal I told them about it. They told me I had to piss in a cup and be dirty for opiates to get the detox meds, making me prove I was really gonna be sick, and not lying just to get the meds, which is tramadol, Immodium, and klonopin.
So I piss in the cup for them and finish the booking process several hours later. In the meantime the fentanyl/heroin/whatever WD is getting worse and worse, I stand staring out the glass of the cell door, eagerly waiting for the medicine cart to show up to the pod.
Eventually it came, but to my dismay I received that bad news that when you get put on the heroin detox medication protocol there, you won't actually get the medication for 24 hours.
After a night of serious restlessness, flip flopping like a fish out of water, and repeated emptying of my bowels, which I am sure my cellmate wasn't to happy about, but I told him what was going on with me so he just let me do what I had to do. So after that night of zero sleep, I see the morning Med cart come to the pods door. I went up to the cart thinking I was going to get the meds, she looked in the book, and my name was not there!! WTF!? I told the nurse what I was going thru, sweat beading off my face, I was obviously visibly in full opiate withdrawal. She asked me if I had taken a drug screen yet, and I told her that I had been done the test the day before. She said they never received my urine sample. I told her the guard had taken my urine sample and put it in a box in the corner in booking where they do everyones medical screenings. They obviously lost it. So she told me to write a inmate request form to medical so I could redo the piss test. I filled it out and gave it to the guard.
By now I was halfway into day 2, and feeling like I was dying of course, we all know how it feels. YUCK! I am locked in the cell and couldn't take it no more. I hit the intercom button and told the guard I was feeling dizzy and having chest pains. An hour later I got took down to medical.
I get down there and told them about how they lost the piss test I took, which they saw a record of in the computer. They said I will have to take another one, but it wouldn't be that day. I was like WTF!? There was absolutely no way they couldn't see that I was definitely in full blown withdrawal. Sweat pouring down my face, yawning, runny nose, goosebumps, etc... Unfortunately I was returned to my cell with NOTHING coming.
After ekeing thru another night of horrible agonizing restless whole body, not just legs, constant diarrhea, soaking hot/cold sweats, day 3 started. Med cart came around, STILL NOTHING. FUCK!
About halfway thru day 3, I get called down to medical. They had me do another piss test, and only that STILL NO DETOX MEDS. I just about cried! They also had told me that if I was going to get the meds I wouldn't get them for another 24-48hours, which is an eternity when you're in WD. They told me to check the med cart when it comes the next morning.
I struggled and tried to keep from banging my head against the wall that night so it would knock me out and I would get some shuteye via that method. But after that long, long night of suffering, day 4 approached.
The med cart came to the pod finally. I ask the nurse if they had my withdrawal protocol ready to start. She asked my name and said oh yeah I saw your name somewhere here. I got a little excited, thinking I was finally going to get relief. NOPE. She found my paper, and she said that my PISS TEST CAME BACK NEGATIVE, and that they weren't going to give me the withdrawal protocol cuz I should be over the worst of it by now. Immediately an icy cold sweat engulfed my body and I wiped my hand across my forehead, which dripped off sweat, and I said to her, does this look like I am thru the worst of it!?? I showed the goosebumps I got from that hard chill, but she showed no sympathy. She said we'll you're just going to have to deal with it, and walked away with her med cart. I thought about what if I just jumped the med cart found the opiate meds real quick opened and poured some in my mouth and swallow them down before getting beat up by the guards and thrown in the hole. I didn't do it. I only yelled to her that those people who do the end processing down in booking need to be more responsible cuz what if I was withdrawaling from something that could kill me!? Someone dies because guard loses urine sample.
Another night zero sleep, diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea, vomiting while sitting, restless whole body I felt like ripping my skin off my bones, and seriously considering bashing my head against the wall hoping to be knocked out cold, I decided not to do so. Day 5 slowly approached.
Day 5 I started to feel a bit better, and the physical symptoms from the fentanyl/heroin mix started to subside, but the mental symptoms remained. I was still dealing with stomach problems as well, but I think it was compounded by the shitty nasty jail food, fucked me up til the day I walked out of there.
Sorry for such a long, long post. I just wanted to tell how I got fucked over for those detox meds, cuz some lazy as fuck guard who didn't give a shot fucked up, and I had to cold turkey it in jail to come off that fentanyl /heroin mix. That WD was one of the worst I had ever experienced. I didn't get a nights sleep for 13 days. I have no clue how it was possible because I didn't remember ever getting a wink of sleep during the 13 day stay there and the judge released me. I felt every minute of it. Each time I closed my eyes, they would just bounce right back open. I couldn't sit still for more than a minute. The sweating was so bad at one point, I was able to wring the sweat out of my shirt.
But I made it thru eventually, and like I said above, laughter was one of the first to come back, everything just seems comical for some reason. Maybe it is the return of those natural chemicals in your brain that cause laughter that were depleted when using. My libido also came back with a vengeance as well. The opposite sex anywhere on TV in person whatever I wanted sex BAD. haha.
Sleep came back steady in about a month, and after 2months, I was completely normal feeling again. All those feelings you mentioned come back. It will happen, and yeah you gotta travel thru hell to get to it, but you will get it.
Wasteland Warrior, feel free to PM me. I think since you are from the same area as me, the support could be good. PM me any time you're having trouble.
