Advice Personal Space in Relationships, specifically, feeling like I need an absurdly large amount of it, and feeling guilty about that. Anyone relate?

[Vastness]

So I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, we see other once a week for 24 hours, give or take, which I feel objectively, is not a lot - but for me, honestly... it is enough. Prior to that, long term relationships were not my forte, I've lived alone for 4 or 5 years, quite happily, am pretty introverted, like my own space. For the first 5 months or so the high of a new relationship I think overwhelmed the feelings of needing personal space. But just recently - actually in the last few weeks or so - I started to find myself sometimes wanting to cancel like last minute, maybe just skip a week of seeing each other. Not for any particular reason, mind - I have very few actual responsibilities or obligations at the moment - just to bask in solitude. And I explicitly did not want to ask for a "break", that doesn't sound fun at all and is really not what I wanted. But I was really not sure how to express this.

It's possibly vaguely connected that I was taking clonazepam almost daily, on and off, before weaning myself off it, probably, within the last few months, perhaps non-coincidentally coinciding with when these feelings of incursions on my personal space really started to become more noticeable. It wasn't even that I didn't enjoy when we hung out, it was more-so realising that I had a commitment, any commitment at a time in my life I was actually aiming to have none for a while.

Like the commitment and sense of obligation is the issue more-so than the actual thing. Although - I will admit to sometimes kind of subconsciously waiting for her to leave the day after she stays over so I can just... recharge. We hung out for 3 days in a row recently for the first time and I admit to being quite apprehensive about that although I suppressed it until after the fact, although actually on the last day of that I did bring these feelings up to her because, I mean, obviously I just had to.

Basically... I think I am chronically undersocialised, commitment-phobic, completely inexperienced in navigating an adult romantic partnership (I'm just over 30 now - I consider people in their twenties to be children, for the most part - or at least, I was, and I think many people are but don't realise - no offence to anyone intended, there are some exceptions, some people are maturer than most, if this rubs you the wrong way please just assume you are one of the mature ones, I'm sure you are - actually my girlfriend is in her 20s and I consider her an adult, obviously - although I do think there is a lot of truth to the idea that women mature faster in general)... Anyway, I guess also I am pretty scared of being responsible for someone else's emotions.

Additionally, even though I am not the most spontaneous person, I like to have the freedom to be - but having plans of any kind is an inhibitor to this. I am so undersocialised that it's like I need immense buffer zones around any kind of planned event or social interaction - more than most could understand or would consider reasonable... like, multiple days at least - before I can kind of start to unwind this bizarre inner tension.

I see most of my close friends pretty rarely for that reason - and we are all totally fine with that arrangement, if they weren't, they wouldn't be my friends obviously. But relationships feel different. So for a while, maybe a week between meetings was enough... then, unconsciously, it started to become not enough, the next meetup coming round before I was fully recharged from the last one. Anyway so I said all this stuff finally, basically, and she was very understanding and we agreed to take a week off to do our own thing - I secretly wondered if a week would be enough, but, so far, I am feeling a lot better. However - definitely at the beginning, sometimes now, I get these intrusive feelings of strong guilt that I've even expressed this need which seems unusual and possibly selfish, even though I recognise that these thoughts are unhelpful illusions and there is no value dwelling on them in any way.

Can anyone relate to needing absurd amounts of personal space in romantic relationships, how you navigate this if so, especially if you and your partner have slightly different needs in this regard?

I think, additionally, it does not help that I just recently got out of an almost decade long business partnership with a guy who was once a friend but was also an insufferable narcissist, so this feeling of constant obligation and of not doing enough is something that I am very strongly resistant to right now. In retrospect, it may not have been the best time to get into a new relationship, but having got myself into one, and, honestly, the most mutually secure, trusting, drama-free and just overall best relationship I've ever had in my life thus far, I think it would be an enormous mistake to try to end it on these grounds, But then on the flipside... maybe I'm kind of wanting to have my relationship cake and eat it too, when I want, and then just put it in the fridge now and then and forget about it for a few weeks to months at a time... which is not how mutually mature and functional relationships should work, I'm pretty sure. I dunno.

 

[Mjäll]

I relate very much. I'm not sure what i can say that's helpful. Maybe with some practice, you can get by on less down-time.

For me it's a complex and painful issue, but a simple one at its core. A legit introvert need has likely become exaggerated by conflict with the world. It's a good thing your partner acknowledges your need. It may help lessen your need.

The dream would be to be able to hang out with someone without feeling that generalized social pressure deep down. To receive and to be capable of accepting the privilege to be alone in someone's company. Maybe i'm being a romantic at this point.

 

[Eligiu]

Okay soooooo.

Every 'relationship' (lasting all of 3 months) I've ever been in falls apart largely because of this issue that you mentioned. I require stupidly ridiculous amounts of time alone and personal space. Even time where they just don't text me, because to me it feels utterly relentless.

Perhaps it's my entirely Avoidant personality style with dating. Maybe it's the autism (it's probably the autism) but legit, the only way I could imagine being happy with someone is if they would be okay for me to go 'hey I need you to leave me alone for 5 hours please' and to actually do that.

 

[FULLofSTARS]

It doesn't look like healthy need for personal space to me, but rather fear of commitment and viewing relationship as a threat that has to be kept at a distance in order to feel safe.

 

[Eligiu]

It doesn't look like healthy need for personal space to me, but rather fear of commitment and viewing relationship as a threat that has to be kept at a distance in order to feel safe.

Not always. I often tell friends 'i need you to take me home now/I need to leave now' when I feel like going. And with my support workers I go 'i need you to leave so I have time to myself before I go to work' which is really just scheduling some me time in.

I am avoidant, but I do really just require a lot of time to myself. It'd be fine if the partner was just chilling silently in a room with me, so long as they don't push for verbal interaction.

 

[Vastness]

Thank you all for your responses.

A legit introvert need has likely become exaggerated by conflict with the world. It's a good thing your partner acknowledges your need. It may help lessen your need.

100%, I am certain this is what has happened. My partner, honestly, has been great. And I do make an effort to reach out, text her, even when I don't really feel it, she deserves that much at least. Without placing "blame" on anyone, which is not really helpful, because, stuff just happens, and I am to blame in how I have chosen historically to deal with certain difficult situations... I do think the last 4 years in my toxic as fuck partnership of a different nature has a lot to do with my attitude now. I read Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People", which, fuck me, is bad, bad advice to follow when dealing with a narcissist. I also tried to emulate some of the great stoics, which, again, in retrospect, as much as I do have respect for stoic ideas - for me, was a mistake. I also revived my relationship with dissociative drugs, particularly ketamine, and just could no longer face the gruelling exercise regime I had kept up in the 4 or 5 years prior to that. My tactic for dealing with my increasing sense of deep, crushing unhappiness and pressure was basically just endure, suppress the resentment and frustration simmering under the surface. Endure, and wait until I can be alone again. But never admit how much I need to be alone. I always was introverted of course and had a need to be alone, while simultaneously, somehow, not wanting to be alone - but basically just white knuckled it until the wheels started to come off the wagon.

My partner actually cancelled for her own reasons shortly after we had this conversation which in retrospect, was quite unusual for her, and now I am wondering if she did it just so I would feel less guilt about doing it myself in the future. I will say that doing less dissociatives and more exercise generally lessens my need for alone time. Dissociatives are poisons for the soul, IMO, at least for me, and for many more people than admit it to themselves.

Every 'relationship' (lasting all of 3 months) I've ever been in falls apart largely because of this issue that you mentioned. I require stupidly ridiculous amounts of time alone and personal space. Even time where they just don't text me, because to me it feels utterly relentless.

Perhaps it's my entirely Avoidant personality style with dating. Maybe it's the autism (it's probably the autism) but legit, the only way I could imagine being happy with someone is if they would be okay for me to go 'hey I need you to leave me alone for 5 hours please' and to actually do that.

I identify with the feeling of text messages even being a kind of pressure, and can sense a completely unfair, irrational annoyance sometimes in myself, which I know is wrong, and in contrast to the elation and happiness I also sometimes feel at text messages from the same person - and the immense, crushing sadness I know I would feel if they stopped forever one day. I know I am avoidant - I don't know if I am autistic, but I have been told before by some friends that I have some borderline autistic-traits, and it is a spectrum of course. I do identify with some behaviours that I see, stereotypically, as "austist", ie, rising anxiety with certain situations with too much unpredictability, general lack of social skills when I was younger, although these behaviours generally do not or have not become overwhelming for a long time. I have been diagnosed a few times of recent, although not in situations specifically targeted to look for autistic traits - but separately with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and ADHD-I (Inattentive Type). Both diagnoses I have found helpful in framing my admittedly counterproductive approach to life a lot of the time, and my ADHD-I, I believe, maybe contribute to my difficulties in relationships because, frankly, relationships take some work (obviously it shouldn't always feel like a job, that sounds like a red flag to me, but they are not always easy, and the things I need to keep in my head to avoid my relationship just falling apart sometimes threaten to become some kind of overwhelming - leading me to honestly wonder if I should just give up, because I will never be able to give them what they want... then I recognise how absolutely insane that idea is).

I will note that for me, though, I think my partner would be absolutely fine if I asked her to leave me alone for 5 hours. I think she would have more difficulty if I said something like, "hey, could we just not hang out for like... a month or 2?" That is a bit excessive and I'm not sure it's even something I'd want but, the freedom to do that if I wanted to is something I fear losing. Of course, this is an illusory fear, because the fact I didn't have anyone who would miss me if I didn't speak to them for 2 months, other than, perhaps, my mum, doesn't mean I had freedom to just selectively leave people by the wayside while I just get lost in my own head or my own side-quest. Drugs are often involved in my instability, I hate to admit. Mainly just fucking dissociatives. I've done a pretty good job keeping it together since recognising that fact though, I think, but it won't be sustainable if I don't stop using dissociatives more than, probably, a few times a year.

It doesn't look like healthy need for personal space to me, but rather fear of commitment and viewing relationship as a threat that has to be kept at a distance in order to feel safe.

Yep, that is how I perceive it. I do not feel it's healthy. I do fear commitment or any kind. I am afraid of the relationship's threat to my personal autonomy, for all the good I ever do with that autonomy, which is to say, I do not do very much with it most of the time even when I am alone.

Not always. I often tell friends 'i need you to take me home now/I need to leave now' when I feel like going. And with my support workers I go 'i need you to leave so I have time to myself before I go to work' which is really just scheduling some me time in.

I am avoidant, but I do really just require a lot of time to myself. It'd be fine if the partner was just chilling silently in a room with me, so long as they don't push for verbal interaction.

See, this, again, is where I think I am a little more on the extreme end - I have no issues telling my friends "I'm leaving, see ya!" with no explanation. I do chill silently in a room with my partner now and then. This is fine - even, nice - for a set period of time. After that, no matter what it is we're doing... the very fact of the presence of another human being in my malfunctional over-sensitive personal-space-bubble, even one that I love, starts to cause me some kind of vague psychological unease. I can suppress it, both for my partner's sake and for my own, to an extent... But I know that if I pushed it too far, too fast, there would be a breaking point where I would probably just shut down and be no longer able to enjoy their company but just waiting for them to leave, even knowing what a mess I was making of things and how fucked our relationship might be afterwards by my involuntarily, fear-induced stonewalling... when solitude arrived again, I would first experience relief, then, probably, immense self-loathing and regret at my inability to do without it.

It strikes me actually, that I am pretty much addicted to solitude, in many ways. But, I'm working on it... thanks again for all of your inputs.

 

[wareika]

So I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, we see other once a week for 24 hours, give or take, which I feel objectively, is not a lot - but for me, honestly... it is enough. Prior to that, long term relationships were not my forte, I've lived alone for 4 or 5 years, quite happily, am pretty introverted, like my own space. For the first 5 months or so the high of a new relationship I think overwhelmed the feelings of needing personal space. But just recently - actually in the last few weeks or so - I started to find myself sometimes wanting to cancel like last minute, maybe just skip a week of seeing each other. Not for any particular reason, mind - I have very few actual responsibilities or obligations at the moment - just to bask in solitude. And I explicitly did not want to ask for a "break", that doesn't sound fun at all and is really not what I wanted. But I was really not sure how to express this.

It's possibly vaguely connected that I was taking clonazepam almost daily, on and off, before weaning myself off it, probably, within the last few months, perhaps non-coincidentally coinciding with when these feelings of incursions on my personal space really started to become more noticeable. It wasn't even that I didn't enjoy when we hung out, it was more-so realising that I had a commitment, any commitment at a time in my life I was actually aiming to have none for a while.

Like the commitment and sense of obligation is the issue more-so than the actual thing. Although - I will admit to sometimes kind of subconsciously waiting for her to leave the day after she stays over so I can just... recharge. We hung out for 3 days in a row recently for the first time and I admit to being quite apprehensive about that although I suppressed it until after the fact, although actually on the last day of that I did bring these feelings up to her because, I mean, obviously I just had to.

Basically... I think I am chronically undersocialised, commitment-phobic, completely inexperienced in navigating an adult romantic partnership (I'm just over 30 now - I consider people in their twenties to be children, for the most part - or at least, I was, and I think many people are but don't realise - no offence to anyone intended, there are some exceptions, some people are maturer than most, if this rubs you the wrong way please just assume you are one of the mature ones, I'm sure you are - actually my girlfriend is in her 20s and I consider her an adult, obviously - although I do think there is a lot of truth to the idea that women mature faster in general)... Anyway, I guess also I am pretty scared of being responsible for someone else's emotions.

Additionally, even though I am not the most spontaneous person, I like to have the freedom to be - but having plans of any kind is an inhibitor to this. I am so undersocialised that it's like I need immense buffer zones around any kind of planned event or social interaction - more than most could understand or would consider reasonable... like, multiple days at least - before I can kind of start to unwind this bizarre inner tension.

I see most of my close friends pretty rarely for that reason - and we are all totally fine with that arrangement, if they weren't, they wouldn't be my friends obviously. But relationships feel different. So for a while, maybe a week between meetings was enough... then, unconsciously, it started to become not enough, the next meetup coming round before I was fully recharged from the last one. Anyway so I said all this stuff finally, basically, and she was very understanding and we agreed to take a week off to do our own thing - I secretly wondered if a week would be enough, but, so far, I am feeling a lot better. However - definitely at the beginning, sometimes now, I get these intrusive feelings of strong guilt that I've even expressed this need which seems unusual and possibly selfish, even though I recognise that these thoughts are unhelpful illusions and there is no value dwelling on them in any way.

Can anyone relate to needing absurd amounts of personal space in romantic relationships, how you navigate this if so, especially if you and your partner have slightly different needs in this regard?

I think, additionally, it does not help that I just recently got out of an almost decade long business partnership with a guy who was once a friend but was also an insufferable narcissist, so this feeling of constant obligation and of not doing enough is something that I am very strongly resistant to right now. In retrospect, it may not have been the best time to get into a new relationship, but having got myself into one, and, honestly, the most mutually secure, trusting, drama-free and just overall best relationship I've ever had in my life thus far, I think it would be an enormous mistake to try to end it on these grounds, But then on the flipside... maybe I'm kind of wanting to have my relationship cake and eat it too, when I want, and then just put it in the fridge now and then and forget about it for a few weeks to months at a time... which is not how mutually mature and functional relationships should work, I'm pretty sure. I dunno.

Totally relate! This is just very understandable to me in the context of diverse human types."Being responsible for someone else's emotions" - great way to say it & it really captures a feeling for me personally. Feels like a pressure on my upper chest right now.

I'm not experienced in relationships. I'm both avoidant because i have issues in that area. But also cos i'm an introvert. I'm a very social introvert. But being alone is my recharge space where i do my background processing. All kinds of shit get 'done' by me just being alone.

> I get these intrusive feelings of strong guilt that I've even expressed this need which seems unusual and possibly selfish, even though I recognise that these thoughts are unhelpful illusions and there is no value dwelling on them in any way.
>> I suspect this is one of the primary issues here. Not feeling at peace with your needs & the right to have them, will always bleed into some other facet of your life if not addressed.

I think you can have your cake and eat it too! Why not? With a trusted & secure partner, this is the Gold to have so to speak.

> but having got myself into one, and, honestly, the most mutually secure, trusting, drama-free and just overall best relationship I've ever had in my life thus far,
>> congrats Vastness i don't know you but so very happy for you.

 

[Vastness]

Thanks @wareika, did you delete something btw about MBTI types and enneagrams? I am, in fact, very interested in MBTI specifically, and other personality typologies to a lesser extent. (maybe just because I haven't looked into them as much, or connected with them as strongly). I am INTP, for what it's worth, almost indisputably, it is just so identifiable to me and I have never really come close to identifying with, or even being categorised as, any other type. Enneagrams I have a harder time with, I've tried a few times with results that seem to vary a lot depending on my present mood, and sometimes I either don't identify at all with the primarily likely "wing" types or even the secondary possibilities. It is something that interests me though.

I thought you might have recommended some reading, or a book, or something, and came back to check... please do share, if you don't mind, I will appreciate it for sure.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I'm also undersocialised, am autistic and have PTSD. So yeah I need to be on my own for extended periods of time. Thankfully my partner also needs solitude at times. 2 bedrooms is ideal because we can choose whether we want to sleep in the same bed or seperate for the night. We can also both tell the other that we'd like to be by ourselves without this being taken the wrong way.

That said, in a relationship you should naturally WANT to spend the majority of your time together. If somebody could only stand my presence around them for one day in an entire WEEK and I practically had to make appointments to see them, I'd feel like he was taking the piss. That's not a relationship, that's extended occasional dating. I doubt she's happy about the situation because unless she's as extremely antisocial as you, which I doubt, your respective needs don't balance out.

Especially you saying you need to 'recharge' between meetings is a massive red flag for me. If a person is good for you, being with them is what recharges your batteries to help you face the rest of the world and life's general stress. They should be your easy refuge rather than something you have to take refuge FROM.

 

[thujone]

I get the same way, prefer to be alone and work on my own.

One possibility is that you're just not that into her. I've seen normally extroverted guys become low-energy when they're dragging their feet on ending an unwanted relationship.

 

[Mysterier]

Yes, I feel a struggle of wanting to be with someone vs wanting to be left alone constantly.

 

[wareika]

Thanks @wareika, did you delete something btw about MBTI types and enneagrams? I am, in fact, very interested in MBTI specifically, and other personality typologies to a lesser extent. (maybe just because I haven't looked into them as much, or connected with them as strongly). I am INTP, for what it's worth, almost indisputably, it is just so identifiable to me and I have never really come close to identifying with, or even being categorised as, any other type. Enneagrams I have a harder time with, I've tried a few times with results that seem to vary a lot depending on my present mood, and sometimes I either don't identify at all with the primarily likely "wing" types or even the secondary possibilities. It is something that interests me though.

I thought you might have recommended some reading, or a book, or something, and came back to check... please do share, if you don't mind, I will appreciate it for sure.

I did delete a bunch of things Vastness, yeah. When my high turned a corner into shame and clammy paranoia . Not specific to this post.

If you haven't felt the enneagram yet, i understand cos I hadn't either until i met someone recently and it somehow re-jigged my interest. A while after that i came across 'The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up Find Your Path Face Your Shadow Discover Your True Self', I completely recommend. It's a very balanced book..there's a intuitive/compassion/full-bodied-ness i hadn't come across on the subject. Also pragmatic but gently so.

I don't understand the wings fully either, that type of thing overloads me, i just say "later". Also an IN type here (INTJ i believe). Personally i don't feel the need to decide my wing or even my type. When i read the type 9 chapter recently i was struck with a lot of truths. Maybe '9' was just playing a song for me at that moment idk

The other thing i said was less important, you reminded me of a friend who i feel is a 'type 7'. But that's pretty worthless if you ask me & just a passing intuition. In my understanding of it the Enneagram is an organic morphing web that we are all roving around/sensing or clinging to like spiders. The wisdom comes in moving around freely, and balancing out the type preference behaviour that we have (that was something that person explained to me anyway).

 

[wareika]

I'm also undersocialised, am autistic and have PTSD. So yeah I need to be on my own for extended periods of time. Thankfully my partner also needs solitude at times. 2 bedrooms is ideal because we can choose whether we want to sleep in the same bed or seperate for the night. We can also both tell the other that we'd like to be by ourselves without this being taken the wrong way.

That said, in a relationship you should naturally WANT to spend the majority of your time together. If somebody could only stand my presence around them for one day in an entire WEEK and I practically had to make appointments to see them, I'd feel like he was taking the piss. That's not a relationship, that's extended occasional dating. I doubt she's happy about the situation because unless she's as extremely antisocial as you, which I doubt, your respective needs don't balance out.

Especially you saying you need to 'recharge' between meetings is a massive red flag for me. If a person is good for you, being with them is what recharges your batteries to help you face the rest of the world and life's general stress. They should be your easy refuge rather than something you have to take refuge FROM.

From what i recall there was also an appointment-like metaphor in there somewhere.

Would it be accurate to say that relationship time can be/is deeply important to them, but spontaneity/flexibility are also a highly prized personal value?

(^there's my type 7 friend Vastness)

 

[wareika]

I'm also undersocialised, am autistic and have PTSD. So yeah I need to be on my own for extended periods of time. Thankfully my partner also needs solitude at times. 2 bedrooms is ideal because we can choose whether we want to sleep in the same bed or seperate for the night. We can also both tell the other that we'd like to be by ourselves without this being taken the wrong way.

That said, in a relationship you should naturally WANT to spend the majority of your time together. If somebody could only stand my presence around them for one day in an entire WEEK and I practically had to make appointments to see them, I'd feel like he was taking the piss. That's not a relationship, that's extended occasional dating. I doubt she's happy about the situation because unless she's as extremely antisocial as you, which I doubt, your respective needs don't balance out.

Especially you saying you need to 'recharge' between meetings is a massive red flag for me. If a person is good for you, being with them is what recharges your batteries to help you face the rest of the world and life's general stress. They should be your easy refuge rather than something you have to take refuge FROM.

People's batteries recharge in different ways. Its a classic introvert vs extrovert difference i've heard. Which are very general categories but just a start. From one individual to the next, the relationship to energy & its regulation can be wildly diverse. Think of how differently people respond to cannabis, andrenaline/risk activity, being near a fight/confrontation. There's so much variability there & i think they all express how differently we deal with stimulation attention & energy.

In attention there are differences, like i have a tendency to give full attention if i'm around someone. I find it hard to zone out. Means i might get tired sooner, have shorter periods of availabilty. So perhaps this appointment type metaphor is not without merit? Maybe designating time together for something that fulfils both partners specifically is quite a fruitful thing? If both people know their value systems etc it cold be amazing thing.

 

[w01fg4ng]

So I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, we see other once a week for 24 hours, give or take, which I feel objectively, is not a lot - but for me, honestly... it is enough. Prior to that, long term relationships were not my forte,

I believe you are in a solid relationship that is good for you but 6 months is not what I'd consider long term. That's ok too because everyone moves at different speeds. Just know that you have a lot more discovery to uncover.

I think, additionally, it does not help that I just recently got out of an almost decade long business partnership with a guy who was once a friend but was also an insufferable narcissist, so this feeling of constant obligation and of not doing enough is something that I am very strongly resistant to right now.

There's a huge difference between business and personal relationships that is crucial for you to understand at this point in your life.

Money quarrels is one of the biggest reasons for a divorce and it's almost always completely unnecessary. Don't become a statistic.

 

[Vastness]

I get the same way, prefer to be alone and work on my own.

One possibility is that you're just not that into her. I've seen normally extroverted guys become low-energy when they're dragging their feet on ending an unwanted relationship.

It's not a possibility I've never considered. However - I'm not normally extroverted. My energy levels are naturally low. If anything, most of the time I am higher energy when I am with her when I'm not. Also - these issues aren't specific to my relationship with my girlfriend, the situation is the same with practically everyone I know. It's just that romantic relationships are a higher intensity of emotional connection, for a more sustained period, than I have ever really had to deal with before. My last "serious" relationship of about a year or so, about 7 years before this, it's hard to compare to because pretty much the entire time we were both high and the last 4 months or so were more toxic and personally damaging than I can really be bothered to get into right now. I find intense emotions of any kind quite difficult to deal with and my instinct is to retreat beyond a certain threshold, I'd say this is a categorically unhealthy pattern of behaviour that spans a wider segment of my life than this one aspect - I've just been able to avoid dealing with it for most of my life by keeping everyone at arms length, for the most part. Honestly I think it would be an immensely bad call if I were to think eh, I just can't be bothered to deal with this, I'll just be alone instead, which is what the result would be for some time, I know myself well enough to know that. Of course, being with someone out of fear of being alone isn't cool either - but, I don't believe that's what I'm doing. I'm not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of ruining all the good things in my life because of my pathological inclination to solitude, and dissociatives, if I'm honest, it's a road I've walked for a long time and it's not a happy one.

I'm also undersocialised, am autistic and have PTSD. So yeah I need to be on my own for extended periods of time. Thankfully my partner also needs solitude at times. 2 bedrooms is ideal because we can choose whether we want to sleep in the same bed or seperate for the night. We can also both tell the other that we'd like to be by ourselves without this being taken the wrong way.

That said, in a relationship you should naturally WANT to spend the majority of your time together. If somebody could only stand my presence around them for one day in an entire WEEK and I practically had to make appointments to see them, I'd feel like he was taking the piss. That's not a relationship, that's extended occasional dating. I doubt she's happy about the situation because unless she's as extremely antisocial as you, which I doubt, your respective needs don't balance out.

Especially you saying you need to 'recharge' between meetings is a massive red flag for me. If a person is good for you, being with them is what recharges your batteries to help you face the rest of the world and life's general stress. They should be your easy refuge rather than something you have to take refuge FROM.

Gonna have to push back on this a little, that need to recharge is a red flag. In fact... I'm gonna respectfully disagree with the idea that in a relationship I should naturally want anything. What I want, is not something that I really, consciously, control, and not necessarily what it actually good for me. I'm gonna flat out say that you should probably avoid telling people what they should want about anything - you cannot tell what it's like to live within the landscape of any mind other than your own.

On that note - if a person is good for you, being with them is what recharges your batteries. This is not true for everyone - again, for reasons that are often not clear, and not under their control. Equally - I really take issue with the idea that anyone should be anything to anyone else. You are entitled to define your own boundaries of course, but you cannot generalise them to everyone. Finally - I think to say that I am "taking refuge from my partner" specifically is really a mischaracterisation of what I've actually taken pains to explain in some detail, and misses a lot of nuance. I appreciate your response, but, I fundamentally disagree with almost everything you've said, and would suggest you consider it more deeply before telling anyone else how other people should behave, or how the world should be, because you just cannot know that what you've said is true for anyone but yourself.

I believe you are in a solid relationship that is good for you but 6 months is not what I'd consider long term. That's ok too because everyone moves at different speeds. Just know that you have a lot more discovery to uncover.


There's a huge difference between business and personal relationships that is crucial for you to understand at this point in your life.

Money quarrels is one of the biggest reasons for a divorce and it's almost always completely unnecessary. Don't become a statistic.

Coming up to 10 months now and I'd say I am getting better at dealing with my own aversion to feeling my own emotions, but thank you for your input. On the second point however - I actually think I fully understand the difference between business and personal relationships. I don't look at personal relationships transactionally, and money quarrels are not something I have any experience of in this context.

I only really brought up my previous business partnership because it was, I have recently come to understand a bit better through therapy, a prolonged period of narcissistic abuse from a person who I thought for a long time was my friend, but has obviously had some pretty lasting negative effects on me. The fact that we were involved in business together is really inconsequential compared to the fact that we seemed to be, at at one point, good friends. It did however give me a strong incentive to find reasons why it wasn't nearly as damaging a situation to remain in as it actually was, because extricating myself from it was significantly complicated by the fact that it would also mean making myself unemployed, essentially walking away from something I'd spent years building with practically nothing, and with such low self confidence that I had trouble believing I even could do anything else.


@wareika - thanks for your input. I had another go at enneagrams and I think 9w8 is probably the closest to describing me, stastically, having taken several tests now and discussed them with people a little more knowledgeable than me. It's interesting stuff - definitely a little more opaque than MBTI. Maybe I'll respond in a bit more detail later, for now I think I've exhausted my psychological effort pushing back at what I see to be a few slightly misunderstood interpretations of the situation I described, ... no offense intended to anyone if I've come across a little abrupt or rude or whatever.

 

[thujone]

It's not a possibility I've never considered. However - I'm not normally extroverted. My energy levels are naturally low. If anything, most of the time I am higher energy when I am with her when I'm not. Also - these issues aren't specific to my relationship with my girlfriend, the situation is the same with practically everyone I know. It's just that romantic relationships are a higher intensity of emotional connection, for a more sustained period, than I have ever really had to deal with before. My last "serious" relationship of about a year or so, about 7 years before this, it's hard to compare to because pretty much the entire time we were both high and the last 4 months or so were more toxic and personally damaging than I can really be bothered to get into right now. I find intense emotions of any kind quite difficult to deal with and my instinct is to retreat beyond a certain threshold, I'd say this is a categorically unhealthy pattern of behaviour that spans a wider segment of my life than this one aspect - I've just been able to avoid dealing with it for most of my life by keeping everyone at arms length, for the most part. Honestly I think it would be an immensely bad call if I were to think eh, I just can't be bothered to deal with this, I'll just be alone instead, which is what the result would be for some time, I know myself well enough to know that. Of course, being with someone out of fear of being alone isn't cool either - but, I don't believe that's what I'm doing. I'm not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of ruining all the good things in my life because of my pathological inclination to solitude, and dissociatives, if I'm honest, it's a road I've walked for a long time and it's not a happy one.

Isn't this something of a vicious cycle, then? Being avoidant to not experience intense emotions makes it harder to become acclimatized to such emotions...