Pending breakup due to weed and no job

[Spicebread]

So I've been with the boyfriend for 5 years. Up until now, we've been daily stoners, with a couple months of quitting here and there when one of us needs a new job. We've lived together for 2 years. I've finished college and have a job that can pay the bills now, but no serious bread. I urged my boyfriend to go to a trade school to learn some valuable skills and get a better job. We discussed it, I agreed I would pay all the bills while he goes to school for less than a year. I said he would need to get a part time job to save up for school and maybe chip in for groceries. I also mentioned we should cut back on weed, because getting a tener every day/every other day gets expensive.

So he's been in school for 5 months. No job, smokes weed with a classmate or alone every day, he's high when I get home from working for 9 hours. I've lost my temper a few times with this over the last 5 months. He says he applies, but nada. I'm cool with smoking a few times a week, but every day's gotta stop. He's spent a good chunk of the money he had saved for school on weed, and now will have his mom pick up the slack for next semester's tuition.

I love him, but I feel he can't be an adult and smoke every day. I was able to work and go to school and smoke daily, and I still do fine at my job blazing daily. But I guess some people can't handle it. Do I give him another chance, even though I feel taken advantage of? Or do I cut it?

 

[queenbee1127]

I love him, but I feel he can't be an adult and smoke every day. I was able to work and go to school and smoke daily, and I still do fine at my job blazing daily. But I guess some people can't handle it. Do I give him another chance, even though I feel taken advantage of? Or do I cut it?

I was the same as you when I was in college and living with my boyfriend. I went to school, waited tables and paid the bills. He had a job instead of going to school but the issue was similar in that he couldn't keep a steady job, was late, would spend all his money behind my back, etc...it's exhausting, especially when you have agreed to work as a team, but then one teammate takes advantage of the other.

From personal experience, I can tell you to let the relationship fizzle out. I need a partner, a teammate who can match what I bring to the table, not someone I have to drag around behind me. I'm not sure how old you are, and it's possible that this is an immaturity phase he will eventually grow out of, but how long does that phase get to last before you stop expending resources on someone like that? I know that's an inelegant way to put it, but you are giving and not getting anything in return, and that always sucks.

On the other hand, have you discussed it with him to an extent where he knows if his behavior doesn't change, the relationship will end? If you break up and he moves out, can you afford to live on your own? Is his contribution to the relationship truly valuable? If it is, then maybe you approach things a different way. To me, it depends on how you see your future.

 

[Meow1243]

It definitely sounds like you're being taken advantage of. He's basically getting a free ride while you support his ass. It's not fair, I could understand smoking daily if he was contributing equally but that's not the case. He needs to get his priorities straight and lay off the bud until he's working a decent job. I take it he's using your money for bud sense he has no income. If that's the case I would cut him off and tell him that he's not gonna be spending your hard earned money on something so unnecessary as weed.

I can't tell you if you two should break up because I don't know enough about your relationship. All I can say is if you truely love him and think you'd be able to forgive him for slipping up then I would try to work on things. If you don't have much faith in him getting his shit together then I think you should just move on.

 

[Spicebread]

He does do all of the house stuff like cleaning, laundry, and most of the cooking. But he has asked me to help him clean on the weekends when he has slacked on cleaning during the week. A couple explosions from me set that straight, he's been keeping up with those responsibilities. So he does contribute at least that. But when I was living on my own, I did not have trouble keeping the place clean or cooking for myself.

Yeah bro, I have had aggressive arguments about his weed habit and lack of job/ambition throughout our relationship. For example, when he was 22-23 and didn't have a car because he would spend all his money on bud, I threatened to break up with him if he didn't quit smoking to save up quickly and get a car for his own independence. I feel like I have had to push him to grow up, like getting a car, getting a better job, going to school, etc. I love him dearly, but it gets tiring. Thanks for understanding.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Sit him down and have a serious talk with him. Money is such a sensitive subject when it comes to relationships. It may be better to have something set in stone, like he's responsible for groceries--ALL. "Chipping in" or "helping to pay" is so grey that it will probably lead to more frustrations. Decide together what he needs to specifically take care of as of NOW. Not, "when he gets a job". Tell him that he's had 5 months to find one so next month, he needs to pay for all the groceries every month. Let him know how you feel, not what he's doing, but how it makes you feel when you get off working and see him <action> (high, sleeping). Focus on, "When I see this, it makes me feel this", "When I do this, it makes me feel this" not "you are a blank" "you make me feel blank" because you don't want to "attack" him for his lifestyle, but he needs to realize how it's negatively affecting you.

If he doesn't pay for any groceries for the whole month, just buy food for yourself. As in, go to mac donalds, and get a meal for yourself. or a salad. It may seem insensitive, but you gotta be strict and really make him realize how hard you work to provide his "comfortable" life. Suck it up for a month and in that entire month, if he makes no effort.... then at least you gave it your best shot, right? If he truly loves you, he'd want to take care of you, snap out of his stoner reality, and try and make you happy.

 

[Spicebread]

Meow: He has money saved up from when he was working. Before he started school, we both worked and we split the bills 50/50 and he kept up his end of the deal. He disliked the line of work he was in, so it was my idea to push him to go to school, and I volunteered to pay all the bills as long as he got a part time job. I almost regret doing this because I feel I got myself into this situation. He finishes school in 7 months, but I already feel taken advantage of.

As far as bud, we usually took turns. But lately, he has been buying it more because he gets home earlier and will buy it then. He uses his money he saved from a previous job, but that money was intended for school next semester.

 

[Spicebread]

Pretty_Diamonds: I have had multiple talks with him, so at this point, "talking" turns into me yelling and swearing because I have always been trying to get him to cut back on weed. I love my smokes, but I know that if I smoke myself stupid every day and I don't have motivation to do anything, I cut back so I can function, you know? Also the fact that I feel like I'm always the one strapped with more responsibility and he always has more freedom to screw up and fuck around weighs me down.

I would like help with groceries, but I would even be satisfied knowing he is saving money to pay for the next semesters of school rather than shitting it away on weed would be alright.

 

[pokepoke420]

I mean, as a woman, that's pretty unattractive. I know women want to see a man with drive, ambition and goals. You need to have a talk with him (when he's not high) and say that this just isn't going to fly. You aren't his mother, and don't need to be taking care of him like you are. Continue on with your life and doing yourself, but make it aware to him that this can't last forever. Situations like this eventually grow to a point where you just lose all respect for the guy, and it's hard to be with someone you hold resentment toward. There is a magical word that I use often and it is called "moderation." Tell him to find a healthy balance or he's going to be very unbalanced when you throw him out. It WILL happen. Have a calm, logical, and rational talk about where you see this heading if it continues this way.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Pretty_Diamonds: I have had multiple talks with him, so at this point, "talking" turns into me yelling and swearing because I have always been trying to get him to cut back on weed. I love my smokes, but I know that if I smoke myself stupid every day and I don't have motivation to do anything, I cut back so I can function, you know? Also the fact that I feel like I'm always the one strapped with more responsibility and he always has more freedom to screw up and fuck around weighs me down.

I would like help with groceries, but I would even be satisfied knowing he is saving money to pay for the next semesters of school rather than shitting it away on weed would be alright.

Yeah, but you can't "make" someone save their money for their own education. Education is something that you really have to want. You can only inspire people, not really motivate them. It's the same thing with drug money, you can't really force someone to buy less/do less drugs. Ask anyone here! Haha. You can set a budget with him, but if he's not motivated to spend less/smoke less then it really won't help.

You'd have better chance "making" someone pay for groceries for your household. Since food is a necessity. This end plan would be to have him realize either, he's spending too much on weed, needs to contribute more (especially to groceries), or how much you work to provide for both of you. I would imagine by making him pay for groceries, he's have to cut down on his weed spending to buy food. I mean, food > weed. The necessities of life.

 

[axl blaze]

sucks. I pretty much pay for everything. drugs, smokes, bills, groceries. but I'm a man so I feel society doesn't put as much blame on me as it should for you - which is completely unacceptable?

I love being the man of the house, but damn, this shit would make more sense if I knocked her up a couple times, ya know??

 

[Spicebread]

sucks. I pretty much pay for everything. drugs, smokes, bills, groceries. but I'm a man so I feel society doesn't put as much blame on me as it should for you - which is completely unacceptable?

I love being the man of the house, but damn, this shit would make more sense if I knocked her up a couple times, ya know??

Nah man, I feel men and women should be a team. I mean there's always temporary unemployment, or if a woman just had a baby, or whatever. I would never dream of not working and riding on my man's paycheck. Hopefully your girl helps out in some way.

What sucks is, I don't have a dominant personality at all, so people still treat my boyfriend like he's the man of the house. I also live in a ghetto area and shouldn't let their opinions get to me, but it still pisses me off. At least I call the shots when I'm home.

 

[swilow]

Yeah, this is called addiction. Blah blah, weed is addictive to some people, or so habit-forming as to essentially be addictive. I don't think yelling at him will help to be honest, though I understand the desire to.

You mentioned that you too were a daily stoner "until now", so you do know what it's like... Weed is insiduous, it is mild enough to be used constantly, but it has deep, demotivating effects that become systemic over time. It makes trying to achieve anything really difficult, and should only be used sparingly. Given that you were both doing what he is now doing alone, I think you need to examine the role you have played in creating this situation too. Obviously, he is responsible for his problems and his life (not you) but there does appear to be dual factors at play.

Not trying to be an asshole here, but just pointing some things out.

We discussed it, I agreed I would pay all the bills while he goes to school for less than a year. I said he would need to get a part time job to save up for school and maybe chip in for groceries. I also mentioned we should cut back on weed, because getting a tener every day/every other day gets expensive.

So he's been in school for 5 months.

So, you agreed to this and now you have changed your mind? Does he know that you have changed your mind and no longer wish to pay the bills and whatnot? Make it clear, try and avoid yelling despite your frustration. If he only has 5-6 months to go of his studies, maybe things will change at that point? It seems silly to break up a long term relationship over what may be a short term problem.

 

[dopemaster]

Well college is a bit rough on you, so I understand the weed. It will probably stop once he finishes school.

It sounds like his mom is gonna help him out with finances this next semester, as parents typically do that for their kids while they are going to college.

I remember when I had a rather easy job and I could smoke weed all day and my gf had a shitty 9 to 5 and would be pissed off when she came home. She couldn't really complain cuz I made more than her but it bothered her that I could spend a large chunk of my day chilling with my friends and smoking weed and drinking.

I just told her it is not my fault that I was in the line of work I was in and she was welcome to give what I do a go if she thought she could. Going to school while in a relationship is about the long term and try not to forget that.

School is stressful. I usually smoke weed or use hard drugs while taking classes. Typically something to get me up and something to knock me out and some weed in between. Like I said, I found college stressful. I still had some income at that point but it was a fraction. I was lucky I had savings and well I went to community college so it was basically free vs. university which cleaned out my college funds in 3 semesters.

I think you outa cut the guy a break if he is taking classes. He will be making good money very soon.

 

[packet_sniffer]

I hate weed. I also don't like people who smoke it everyday. Honestly I wouldn't be with someone who smoked weed everyday or who loved smoking it.

Big turn off. I think weekend usage is fine. I can accept even hard drugs if they are only used on the weekend. But everyday would make me worried.

 

[pofacedhoe]

smoking daily is NO EXCUSE for laziness.

none

its a personality trait.

some people are productive stoned and some are not, if your always stoned and you cant be bothered to do jack then i wouldn't entertain it myself

 

[smackydowners]

^^ha, yeah. pablo escobar was stoned every day and look what he achieved.

i don't know. if you truly feel he's completely taking the piss out of you intentionally then maybe you should dump him. if it's a bit of silly complacency on is part then i suppose a calm discussion on how you're feeling and what he needs to do is a better way if you love him.

 

[axl blaze]

Nah man, I feel men and women should be a team. I mean there's always temporary unemployment, or if a woman just had a baby, or whatever. I would never dream of not working and riding on my man's paycheck. Hopefully your girl helps out in some way.

What sucks is, I don't have a dominant personality at all, so people still treat my boyfriend like he's the man of the house. I also live in a ghetto area and shouldn't let their opinions get to me, but it still pisses me off. At least I call the shots when I'm home.

I like the way you think, and I think that you sound like a very smart, successful, woman

if someone starts treating your man as if he is the "man of the house", you need to turn your little submissive side into a more dominant side (easier said than done, sure) and show him and them what's up. because technically, it's your house, you run shit, if you boyfriend ain't man enough then let him go? IMO