Need Help Pegnant and need advice, im very scared

[Chelsea87]

I'm 33 and about to have a miracle baby that my body wasn't supposed to be able to carry. I have no criminal history, no past drug abuse and have only become physically and mentally dependant on a medicine prescribed to me by a doctor. She had me on 1mg of ativan every day for about 4 months. I was not pregnant the first month, and didn't find out until the end of my 1st trimester. My doctor cut me off cold turkey and I went through withdrawals along with morning sickness for a long time. I got a therapist and a psychiatrist, who seemed to not understand the anguish I was going through. I thought I was just having really bad panic attacks, cuz I have a panic disorder. It was NY shrink who said that I might be withdrawalimg. So a few times I got ana from a friend and yep, I felt fine those days. I also let other people talk me into taking suboxone here and there. It somehow helped, I've taken it 6 times through out this entire time. I'm 37 weeks right now. I couldn't stand feeling like that, and understood thay benzo withdrawal can cause me to lose the baby. Or kill me. Both of us. So a few months ago I Joined a place called Brightview, basically to be moved onto a safer medicine and get weened off of it properly. Thats been working so far, but the suboxone stays in my system for weeks! I got my clonazepam cut back again last week By my own choice, I attend all groups and couselling, they have monitored everything in my system. I had wD symptoms this last time cutting it back and felt so sick and I was having Braxton hicks and I was scared and took the last little bit of suboxone I had, according to who I got it from it was just over 1mg. I dont know if I mentioned I was also anemic. That makes me feel pretty scrappy sometimes too, but never to the point I took mesicine that was not mine. Im crying because I hate myself right bow so sorry for the typos. I can go into labor any time now. I do not want my daughter born with that in her system, and its completely my fault. I know this. I yake full responsibility. The nurses at the dug yreatment place, brightview, say im on such a low dose of clonazepam now that they sont think she will have any problems when shes born but they cant know for sure. I'm prepared as I can be for that. Because I've had the suboxone in my system a few times, the doctor there keeps pushing me to gey put on it and take it every day. I dont want to do that. After she is born I dont Care how scrappy I feel. Im anemic, taking ibuprofen and pepto legitimately sounded more dangerous than the suboxone here ans there. Both of those things can cause or make bleeding worse, the other meds didnt. I know its stupid. OT made sense to me at the time, and I am so scared of what's going to happen to her after shes born. I dont want anyone taking hed from me. Im not addicted to it. Just the clonazepam and im so close to being sone with it! I'm terrified that they'll try to take her from me. Ive been a nanny for years, helped my sister raise her 3 kids. I have made other peoples children my life because im good with them, I love them endlessly, and I finally have my own coming and I messed it up. My stupid anxiety told me this would aork. No one has said anything about cps, but hospitals are the ones to report people. I do not want to lose her. Im looking for advice or to talk to anyone who has gone through something similar. Ask me anything. Ive been honest with everyone this whole time. That doesn't mean they believe me. I live in southwest ohio, hamilton county. I plan to continue to be honest and do everything thats askes of me. But ive heard stories of that not being good enough. Theres a decent chance I will not be able to get pregnant again. I hope this is allowed. Im terrified and ive never hated myself more. So far shes healthy and strong. My boyfriend, the father, who I have happily been with for 10 years doesn't think its as big of a deal as i make it out to be. He also does not do drugs or anything like that. Ive made all the bad decisions on my own and he would try help me as best as he can. We have our own home, no criminal records, we always have our bills paid, she has her own room, the house is clean, always have food. I dont wanna lose her to two stupid pills I took and broke down over several months. I also know i have severe anxiety issue and always expect the worst to happen.

Please just someone talk to me. I'll take whatever I deserve, I just want to keep my daughter. Im freaking scared out of my mind. Will they give me a chance to prove myself before they do anything? Really, anyone who has any insight. Ill be seeing both my ob in the morning and have a counselling session online with Brightview and I will ask about these things but sometimes what they say osnt what happens.
Thank you in advance to anyone who can talk to me about this.

 

[4meSM]

I'm not an expert but I think that using a low dose of benzodiazepines during pregnancy isn't actually that bad for the fetus, there might an increased risk for some problems but it's not dramatic like with other drugs iirc (some benzos might be safer than others). In your case there's not much you can do regarding that particular issue since you were already dependent, besides trying to be healthy on the other aspects of your life. The doctor that cut you off cold turkey on your second trimester should get fired. I don't see why he didn't at least put you on a taper if he really wanted you to quit before giving birth (don't know if this is ideal in every case).

And they want you to start taking suboxone everyday? I don't understand, doesn't seem like you're dependent on opioids. I'd think that a few isolated doses wouldn't pose a significant danger, on the other hand if you took it everyday your baby would likely be born physically addicted (then they would have to put him on a taper). That being said it would certainly be better for the fetus if you don't take opioids (suboxone) anymore.
Sorry if I missed something I read it quite quickly.

 

[MsDiz]

Hey! Welcome to bluelight, you are going to be ok! Your hormones are all over the place and it will be making your anxiety way worse. Try to think things out rationally. You have your own home, you’re not a drug user, you have food in your home. You have a partner who’s with you and supporting you. You have been actively seeking out therapy and advice. This is all good!! Your baby won’t be taken away from you unless there is significant risk to him/her. The last thing social services want to do is separate children from their parents!

Please stop taking the suboxone, that is not healthy for the baby. You should have issues because it’s was on rare occasions but don’t take it anymore. Follow your OBs advice about meds, you don’t need to be taking subs unless you were addicted to opioids which from what you’re saying you aren’t. The benzos may cause slight issues but it’s the hospital will have dealt with it before so everything should be fine.

Try to de stress yourself, it’s not good for you or baby. Take time for some self care, have a bath, paint your nails, read a book, whatever it is that chills you out!

 

[Chelsea87]

Thank you, both of you! I've only ever taken the suboxone to ease withdrawal symptoms from the anxiety medicine. I thought it was kind of messed up too that she cut me off cold turkey, and at the same time I had all these doctors giving me attitudes about how withdrawal can kill my baby, and if I can't be taking the medicine the next best thing was to take care of the symptoms because Thats what will ultimately hurt the baby or I. So Thats what I thought I was doing, especially by not taking something that will thin my blood even more. I honestly am not sure how many times I've taken it but I can probably count it on one hand, and i didn't get a high or anything from it. I was just able to function better. I've never had any problems with medications before, sometimes not feeling sober or like in control even triggers panic attacks.

The doctor that is helping me lower and manage the anxiety medicine has messed up the amounts that I'm given and once took 3 days to fix it and another time going on 4 days and I started withdrawaling again. I'm okay now, and the suboxone that I was taking is gone now and I have no intention of taking it again. After I have my daughter and if he messes it up again I plan on just dealing with how crappy I may or may not end up feeling because I won't be worried about it happening tp her too.
I plan on going over all of this with my ob tomorrow, I also have a pregnancy group before that.

I can't believe I let myself do something like this. I seriously convinced myself it was the best I could do until I could find a doctor to help me.

And yes, because it was in my system a few times he wants me to be put on it, but Ive refused every time. I've heard from other patients that he raises theor doses for no reason, and these are actual addicts that are trying their hardest to stay clean and cut back, and hopefully get off of the medicine.
Im just scared it will still be in her system when she is born and I know people dont like to believe you when you say that you aren't taking constantly to be on the safe side.

Really, thank you just for talking to me. I'll still be upset with myself until this is all over, but I should be ashamed. All I can do now is do better and hope the doctors are understanding.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

Hi Chelsea,
I agree with everything above.
The only thing I wanted to add is that if you have anemia you should lay off the ibuprofen, as well as any other NSAIDS or aspirin, now. Tylenol is fine to take. When you deliver, there’s always the risk of a significant blood loss, especially if you have to deliver via c-section, so it’s wise to discontinue the use of any blood thinning agents now. This would be different if you had a DVT, thromboembolism or similar condition that made it imperative that you take blood thinners or anti-thrombolytics throughout your pregnancy.

 

[MsDiz]

Oh yes, the anaemia issue. I also had it during pregnancy. It’s so important that you get some iron supplements, if you are clinically anaemic your dr should be prescribing you tablets for it so definitely ask him/her about it.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

Oh yes, the anaemia issue. I also had it during pregnancy. It’s so important that you get some iron supplements, if you are clinically anaemic your dr should be prescribing you tablets for it so definitely ask him/her about it.

Yes! Thanks Princess