parkinglotjunkie - (help with prose?)

[tocooperate]

this is my first venture beyond lyrics into prose- i would LOVE any feedback, tips, thoughts etc. WORK IN PROGRESS, maybe..? it feels incomplete though

my initial thoughts during this transition: its hard to find one's own "interest" in poetry at first, particularly when coming from lyrics which have an additional layer of emotional emphasis by way of melody. ive never spent too much time studying and reading poetry, though writing it without that exposure seemed like a fun challenge. in the end? i found that appreciation by simply breaking convention, undoing rhymes, adding imagery to make up for melody.. and eventually i found the "music" in words that doesn't need.. music .. i think ! >_<


parkinglotjunkie

this cocktail reeks of shame.
there were once calculations,
lies and numbers
painting a perfect passage of time

in the end was a parkinglotjunkie.
caught between a sleepy stupid figure and love
shooting wormholes for secret science

past pearly gates with hateful thoughts
shaking sounds of shame bring guilt.
tearful transactions make for silly silhouettes,
antiquated, all full but smeared

in time, these silly games pass time
figures in corners, shadows rhyme
A jumpstart to the heart! to reclaim all lovers
what a poison pissing shame

 

[herbavore]

I love it. I like your line breaks and the imagery as well. Especially 'shadows rhyme'. I'm drawn to images that I can't intellectually understand but resonate with on some other level. For me poetry is about surprise and, ultimately, emotion. In this poem, I love the tension between "the sleepy stupid figure and love".

 

[tocooperate]

thank you for reading!!

this, "images that i cant intellectually understand but resonate with on some other level"- this is exactly how it felt to write! at first i tried to make a more coherent story of it all, but it just felt better to imagine a storyboard and to describe the images instead

 

[Raz]

This is great! Very lyrical which I like..."shooting wormholes for secret science" is an awesome phrase which brings up a lot of imagery.

If I was gonna suggest a change at all it would be to lose the / in that one line but I don't think this actually needs anything changed.

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

It's beautiful, very abstract at moment but concrete when it needs to be. If you are trying to hit the main stream you'll probably want to use concrete imagery a bit more, but honestly fuck the mainstream it's beautiful the way it is.

 

[Wonka]

i like it.....have you ever jammed pantera? the perling gates reminds me of there work....i think you can write good music

 

[tocooperate]

This is great! Very lyrical which I like..."shooting wormholes for secret science" is an awesome phrase which brings up a lot of imagery.

If I was gonna suggest a change at all it would be to lose the / in that one line but I don't think this actually needs anything changed.

thank you! actually, your poem "heliotrope" inspired me quite a bit! id love to see some of your other work, your way with words is beautiful. regarding the "/" character, i accidentally left it in- this was originally in the form of lyrics

i like it.....have you ever jammed pantera? the perling gates reminds me of there work....i think you can write good music

thank you so much for reading! i am actually a songwriter and lyricist (no pantera.. but tool hell yes!) took a long hiatus from songwriting, 2 years or so.. drugs dreams and disappointment.. slowly trying to get back into it, i found it easier to just write first and that got me into prose.