I had an incident yesterday that was rather disturbing to me. I went ballistic after receiving a Christmas card from a high school friend yesterday, only to do a complete 180 after taking some ketamine. I think it demonstrates how distorted things can get in my head and how ketamine seems to temporarily un-distort my thinking. If you happen across someone who comes in to the hospital actively suicidal, you might try this, as it seems to bring some strange, brief clarity, but perhaps enough clarity and leverage to undermine the original distorted reasoning behind the suicide attempt. Luckily, my friend seems forgiving and sanguine about the whole thing.
I am starting to obsess a bit about bladder symptoms again (weird twinges and sensations, but no pain during urination, etc.), but am soldiering on for the moment.
X.
Hey,
I know that it absolutely wasn't your intent, and this is terribly embarrassing, but it's hard for me to describe the amount of despair that your Christmas cards of the last few years have caused me. Could you please take me off your generic communication list until further notice? I'm in a terrible place, and it seems like the only times I hear from my friends are when they want something from me (e.g., moving help), or to provide evidence that their lives are fulfilling in every way that mine is empty and barren. I am so sorry that I can't seem to draw on whatever inner strength is required to relate to broadcast communications from my friends in the benign way in which they were intended to be received, but I seem utterly incapable at the moment.
I do genuinely value you as a friend, and would welcome any communication of a more personal nature in the future, but if you could take me off the broadcast list, I think it would make things easier on me, especially during the holidays. Please don't take offense; it is clearly a problem with me, not you.
Thanks/love/sorry,
XXXX
and hours later, after a dose of ketamine, I sent this:
Honestly, you can disregard that last email. My brain is working overtime to kill me with thought distortions, it appears.
with a longer explanation this morning:
Ugh, thanks for understanding. It's hard to explain what's happening in my brain right now, but it seems to be almost borderline psychotic delusions (and hallucinations to boot) resulting from unipolar depression. I started intranasal ketamine (yes, that Special K) about a week ago, and it's the first thing that I've responded to, but I haven't found a way to dose it such that it maintains efficacy throughout the day. As I'm sure you can imagine, it's not particularly conducive to driving, working, or being a functioning member of society.
As an example of what was happening yesterday, a single dose in the evening brought me from feeling actively suicidal to being able to (within minutes of administration) objectively evaluate my thoughts and feelings and dismiss them as super distorted, only to start all over again when the dose wore off. I've always tried to evaluate everything rationally and objectively, and I feel kind of like John Nash when he said that he accepted his "messages from space" delusions as valid because they came to him in the same way as his mathematical ideas. However, under the influence of ketamine, I see brief glimpses of the grossly distorted leaps of logic, improperly applied statistical analyses, etc. It's all rather horrifying to not know which of your core beliefs are valid from one moment to the next, and especially when the murkiness is cleared by ketamine, which is so poorly understood and causes hallucinations and delusions in its own right.
Please bear with me as I try to figure this out.
Love,
XXXX