blacksheep101
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2013
- Messages
- 2
Hi, I'm a first time poster here.
I know this post may seem a bit silly considering many here are experienced in this realm. I know this is a bit of a long story, but I wanted to see if someone could relate to what happened to me and maybe explain somethings.
I was doing some online research on long-term effects of taking MDMA, but all the accounts I read were people who were taking MDMA on numerous accounts, exceeding amounts and consecutively during a short time period. I couldn't find a lot on long-term affects from one-time use.
I want to share my experience of my one-time MDMA use.
In October, I went to a rave at an indoor club and was convinced by a friend to take some MDMA. I had no prior knowledge of the drug. Before hand he convinced me that it was a harmless drug, that gave you a clean, euphoric high. But that it was a pure version of E. Skeptically, I took a pill before arriving to the rave, not knowing exactly what it was or what was in it. At this time, I had experienced psychedelics before in the form of mushrooms on numerous occasions and was convinced that I was ready for a more intense trip and that I could handle whatever it threw at me. This type of thinking had helped in preparation for psychedelic trips before and I thought it would do the same in this aspect.
We arrived at the bar, and now I was starting to feel what I call the 'climbing' feel of the drug. The feeling I resemble as climbing the first hill of a roller coaster before you are about to drop. This feeling lasted about 20-30 minutes, but when it amounted to no 'climatic euphoric high' I felt extremely disappointed. My friend who I was rolling with, had taken MDMA probably 4-5 times before this, and suggested I take another pill. He has A.D.D. and has taken ritalin his whole life, and was ball of energy all the time. So for him, MDMA was probably his sanctuary whenever he went out to party. I should probably add that I am under 5'5'' and underweight for my height, so it doesn't take much for me to feel the affect of anything on my body (from medications, to caffine, to pot) Stupidly enough, I took the second pill not thinking about the compounding effects.
Soon enough, I was rolling hard, in the middle of the crowd enjoying this amazing feeling. It felt like every cell in my body was ejaculating simultaneously and I could feel the electronic music pulsate through my body, and let the lights dance around me as I moved hypnotically to the beat of the music.
When the second pill kicked in I started feeling some adverse, negative effects. First of, I was sweating profusely, and it felt like I was going to dehydrate myself by just dancing so I downed the bottle of water I was holding in seconds. Then I started feeling intense waves of anxiety, to the point where my aura was rubbing off on other people around me. I suddenly realized and remembered how claustrophobic I can feel when I'm in crowds, just because I am a small person and I can't through my weight/height around like other people to give them room in crowds, and closed-in spaces. Then I started to notice, for the first time, that a majority of the crowd was under the influence of some drug or another, and this added to my anxiety. I could just imagine "all these people are just exposed nerve endings, touching each other, sending neurons to each other, and I am in the middle of this building cauldron of tension, waiting to explode like a bomb."
I don't know why, but as soon as that thought crept into my brain, I noticed a lot of people were moving the opposite direction of the stage. This created a lot of tension on the crowd. Everyone was sweating, and arguing and asking the other to move. I would turn my ahead and get dirty looks from one direction, and then look in the other and see people almost fist fighting to an extent, just to get their way out of the crowd, but then totally forget that it even happened the next minute. At this point, I couldn't even concentrate on the music and all I wanted to do was leave the scene to get to a different environment and relax.
When we finally got out of the room, ordered a few drinks from the bar, that didn't feel like anything as I downed them. I had lock-jaw and had been grinding my teeth for what seemed like forever, so I thought gum and chain-smoking would help this. More importantly though, I was feeling massive bouts of depression because I had realized everything I was feeling was chemically induced, and this bothered me to a great extent. Everything became a very analytical process. All I could see were a bunch of phonies, acting fake because they were on drugs. To me, my perception of everyone was that they were worshiping a false god.
This is where I realized drugs are just not my thing. The after-effects were definitely noticeable, as it was hard to distinguish between emotions, maintain happiness at a genuine level, and not be miserable all the time.
The only thing is, afterwards my life took a total downward spiral for the next 4 months. I was trying to get back with my ex during this MDMA experience, and later on I got in a fight with my ex, who broke my heart even though we weren't dating. After a huge argument with two of my close friends at that time (one of which was the guy I went to the rave with), I cut them completely out of my life with no remorse. I disassociated myself with a lot of my high school friends who I had been hanging out with up until that time. I never did any hard drugs since then. Never went out, didn't feel like socializing at all and drank alcoholic substances a lot more. And now, I have cut down on smoking pot habitually (which is something I used to love) to the point where one puff makes me anxious/paranoid.
I have to admit, that a change in my life like this was bound to happen. But at this point I find it hard to properly manage my anxiety and depression, to the point where I am beginning to develop a type of social anxiety.Just being around people, sometimes can make me fluster, sweat and ramble. I've noticed I am moodier and more cynical. I can't tell if my brain function has dramatically been affected by this experience, but sometimes I just can't think straight. My guitar playing has gotten significantly sloppier, to the point where I have forgotten how to play how I used to.... and this itself is enough to make me want to give up playing entirely.
I must note, that I do generally do still feel happy and excited about life. I can't help shake the feeling that the effects of MDMA have not been thoroughly been researched to the point where people can brush off permanent affects of one-time use. I can't help but feel like this one drug experienced changed my life forever.
I know this post may seem a bit silly considering many here are experienced in this realm. I know this is a bit of a long story, but I wanted to see if someone could relate to what happened to me and maybe explain somethings.
I was doing some online research on long-term effects of taking MDMA, but all the accounts I read were people who were taking MDMA on numerous accounts, exceeding amounts and consecutively during a short time period. I couldn't find a lot on long-term affects from one-time use.
I want to share my experience of my one-time MDMA use.
In October, I went to a rave at an indoor club and was convinced by a friend to take some MDMA. I had no prior knowledge of the drug. Before hand he convinced me that it was a harmless drug, that gave you a clean, euphoric high. But that it was a pure version of E. Skeptically, I took a pill before arriving to the rave, not knowing exactly what it was or what was in it. At this time, I had experienced psychedelics before in the form of mushrooms on numerous occasions and was convinced that I was ready for a more intense trip and that I could handle whatever it threw at me. This type of thinking had helped in preparation for psychedelic trips before and I thought it would do the same in this aspect.
We arrived at the bar, and now I was starting to feel what I call the 'climbing' feel of the drug. The feeling I resemble as climbing the first hill of a roller coaster before you are about to drop. This feeling lasted about 20-30 minutes, but when it amounted to no 'climatic euphoric high' I felt extremely disappointed. My friend who I was rolling with, had taken MDMA probably 4-5 times before this, and suggested I take another pill. He has A.D.D. and has taken ritalin his whole life, and was ball of energy all the time. So for him, MDMA was probably his sanctuary whenever he went out to party. I should probably add that I am under 5'5'' and underweight for my height, so it doesn't take much for me to feel the affect of anything on my body (from medications, to caffine, to pot) Stupidly enough, I took the second pill not thinking about the compounding effects.
Soon enough, I was rolling hard, in the middle of the crowd enjoying this amazing feeling. It felt like every cell in my body was ejaculating simultaneously and I could feel the electronic music pulsate through my body, and let the lights dance around me as I moved hypnotically to the beat of the music.
When the second pill kicked in I started feeling some adverse, negative effects. First of, I was sweating profusely, and it felt like I was going to dehydrate myself by just dancing so I downed the bottle of water I was holding in seconds. Then I started feeling intense waves of anxiety, to the point where my aura was rubbing off on other people around me. I suddenly realized and remembered how claustrophobic I can feel when I'm in crowds, just because I am a small person and I can't through my weight/height around like other people to give them room in crowds, and closed-in spaces. Then I started to notice, for the first time, that a majority of the crowd was under the influence of some drug or another, and this added to my anxiety. I could just imagine "all these people are just exposed nerve endings, touching each other, sending neurons to each other, and I am in the middle of this building cauldron of tension, waiting to explode like a bomb."
I don't know why, but as soon as that thought crept into my brain, I noticed a lot of people were moving the opposite direction of the stage. This created a lot of tension on the crowd. Everyone was sweating, and arguing and asking the other to move. I would turn my ahead and get dirty looks from one direction, and then look in the other and see people almost fist fighting to an extent, just to get their way out of the crowd, but then totally forget that it even happened the next minute. At this point, I couldn't even concentrate on the music and all I wanted to do was leave the scene to get to a different environment and relax.
When we finally got out of the room, ordered a few drinks from the bar, that didn't feel like anything as I downed them. I had lock-jaw and had been grinding my teeth for what seemed like forever, so I thought gum and chain-smoking would help this. More importantly though, I was feeling massive bouts of depression because I had realized everything I was feeling was chemically induced, and this bothered me to a great extent. Everything became a very analytical process. All I could see were a bunch of phonies, acting fake because they were on drugs. To me, my perception of everyone was that they were worshiping a false god.
This is where I realized drugs are just not my thing. The after-effects were definitely noticeable, as it was hard to distinguish between emotions, maintain happiness at a genuine level, and not be miserable all the time.
The only thing is, afterwards my life took a total downward spiral for the next 4 months. I was trying to get back with my ex during this MDMA experience, and later on I got in a fight with my ex, who broke my heart even though we weren't dating. After a huge argument with two of my close friends at that time (one of which was the guy I went to the rave with), I cut them completely out of my life with no remorse. I disassociated myself with a lot of my high school friends who I had been hanging out with up until that time. I never did any hard drugs since then. Never went out, didn't feel like socializing at all and drank alcoholic substances a lot more. And now, I have cut down on smoking pot habitually (which is something I used to love) to the point where one puff makes me anxious/paranoid.
I have to admit, that a change in my life like this was bound to happen. But at this point I find it hard to properly manage my anxiety and depression, to the point where I am beginning to develop a type of social anxiety.Just being around people, sometimes can make me fluster, sweat and ramble. I've noticed I am moodier and more cynical. I can't tell if my brain function has dramatically been affected by this experience, but sometimes I just can't think straight. My guitar playing has gotten significantly sloppier, to the point where I have forgotten how to play how I used to.... and this itself is enough to make me want to give up playing entirely.
I must note, that I do generally do still feel happy and excited about life. I can't help shake the feeling that the effects of MDMA have not been thoroughly been researched to the point where people can brush off permanent affects of one-time use. I can't help but feel like this one drug experienced changed my life forever.
. It's more natural paranoia I have, to keep things perfect and genuine. I'm trying to analyze the way people see me now, v.s. then. So far they tell me I am more true to my heart and speak my mind more. I have become more head-strong, opinionated and simply don't really give two fucks about what people think about me. Although, interactions still give me a type of anxiety I never really felt before. I truly do believe that this type of thinking in my head, and transformation was bound to happen and that the drug experience was a catalyst. But I realized that I have a lot of anger and sadness built up in me from the series of unfortunate events that I have to let go before I can be the normal me again.
