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New Dom question...

I

infectedmushroom

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 14, 2007
Messages
1,371
Hi guys,

My girlfriend and I have been exploring the world of kink and bdsm for the past couple of weeks together, so we're both very fresh. It started with me lightly pulling her hair and her saying she wanted it harder, and we progressed from there.

Now, I enjoy having control in the bedroom, but probably enjoy "vanilla" love making just as much. The problem is I think my girlfriend prefers being submissive a little bit more than I enjoy being dominant - and as such - I end up taking on more responsibility than I'd always like too when we have sex.

I'm learning very quickly as a new Dom just how much responsibility there is when taking control of someone in such a vulnerable state. As I said, I do enjoy it, but it's also kind of exhausting.

I provide her with lots of aftercare, but the other day after some rough play, I went into a bit of a funk and I think I also kind of needed some aftercare too - I just don't know what that would look like. That's because I think my inner conflict was more psychological; How can I do those things to someone I love? How can she let me? What kind of person does that make me? Does this have implications on rest of my life and personage? Etc etc etc.

Any advice/passing comments would be appreciated.
 
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I remember hearing somewhere that if they want you to dom and do specific things, then sub ends up being the dom.
 
I myself am a domme and yes it is a HUGE responsibility and it is tiring. The most important thing is to not stress too much about things. My best experiences have just been taking things as they come. Learn new techniques and take it at a slow pace. You'll probably soon become very used to it. If you don't want to dominate though or are too tired, there are lots of pro dom/mes out there to aid with that. Also lots of kink meetups to discuss all things kink, sex and relationship related.

Scaredofmyself - That isn't quite how it works. All people are different and like different things. The most importsnt things to do with sex or kink is talking/communication and consent. These are things you should always go over with each other. Safe words and the like. All a learning curve :) PM me if you want/need any advice :)
 
Ah. I understand now.

I heard it from Vampire Freak. The goth girl doms were talking about the subs literally being slaves.
 
I've found my best experiences have also been when I've taken things how they come and when I'm relaxed. We have safe words but I care a lot about this person so it's inevitable I have a bit of anxiety too about things going wrong. (Well that's what the safe words are for, duh Infected. Yeah it's gonna take some getting used to.)

The other thing I'm learning has to do with boundaries. The other day we had a social event to attend and we both got out of the shower together and we were kissing and she basically dropped to her knees and gave me the "dominate me" eyes and we ended up being pretty late. I realized it was my responsibility mainly as Domme to stand her back up and say "not now."

Ahhh...if I knew I'd be doing this a few months ago lol

Scared - i think thats called topping from the bottom.

EDIT: So I just found the term "domdrop." It pretty much perfectly explains how I felt after our session. Especially the part about guilt.
 
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All good doms are anxious and worried about getting things wrong. Fact is - You are going to make mistakes. If you don't, you'll never learn and get better. You just have to make sure to be careful. I like to use the traffic light system. In the UK, we have red for stop, amber/yellow for get ready and green for good to go. Use that as well as a safeword. I use a safeword to completely stop all activity. Red means stop and rethink and /maybe/ carry on.

That isn't just your responsibility. As long as you are both aware of the possible consequences, It's both of your responsibility. Are you on fetlife? Fetlife.com is a kink social media site. Should be helpful :)
 
Thanks for your reply Enlight. That's the system we use as well.

I'm not on Fetlife, but I think i'll join up and have a look around when I get the time. :)
 
I found there was to much pressure when I was involved with a woman who worked as a dom mainly due to safety reasons

She was a sub in her actual gratification department

The thing was she had a fuckload of emotional baggage so I decided it was best that we were just friends because the whole thing with her was the extremes and well, I definitely and not a sub sexually but am a rather passive person in life unless someone gets violent with me

I suppose I was just too laid back for the whole thing despite enjoying that woman's company and well as friends I enjoy her company more, still would have sex with her though, but that is a whole nother story and well I am rather secure with my sex life so I do not want to discuss it here

I am just more interested in psychology and enjoy reading the posts in here as well as giving advice to people who seem to be having problems
 
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