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- Jul 8, 2017
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Very long post. About trust issues arising from trauma and a problem I'm currently having. Previous experiences are included which makes post longer but adds context for why I have this specific issue.
I used to have a friend who knew a lot about my trauma, and he made a point to always be there for me if I ever texted him asking 'was it my fault' and he would respond telling me it wasn't, it was my dad's.
He did this for me til we stopped being friends. Life happens. But I lost the first person who ever believed me about the trauma, who constantly reassured me I didn't deserve it, and who taught me (until he hurt me) that it was safe to trust people again.
I started talking to someone who is now a friend on the discord over a mutual member we were trying to help. This person had promised to talk to this member every day, which I raised as an issue due to the member in question being a teenager who clearly would eventually be diagnosed with BPD. Said boundaries would need to be established or if he missed a day all hell would break loose. I mentioned how I thought him offering that was kind, and it reminded me of my ex friend, who when I got sober in 2017 made himself available as a non 12 step mentor 24/7 7 days a week for me. This reduced over time of course. Initially texting contact was pretty constant in the early days, but then it was just when I needed something or we were chatting shit. I slept at his house not infrequently initially, but that morphed more into phone calls. If it was super important regarding how I was travelling I'd usually ask for a call a specific date and time, basically something to look forward to in order to get through the week so that when we called I could go 'before we chat shit, just need to hear the things. Not my fault, didn't deserve it. Not a bad person' and he would do that then he would tell me all about his latest lady friend. And like he also relied on me, he would call me and discuss being really upset about things and ask for my advice and we would talk for 2 hours. He gave me a lot, but it wasn't one sided. I always made sure he knew how much I appreciated him, by doing things like cleaning his dishes when I slept over and putting them away, making dinner, making this little cross stitch that said 'did you call first' when he laughed at the doormat picture of that I sent. Making him a Bob Ross painting with a handwritten letter of how much I valued him. Books chosen because I knew they would be of value. Being honest all the time. Taking feedback on board. Respecting boundaries. It worked well, until his attitude towards specifically IV meth which when it was just me was tolerant to the point of absurdity because so long as I wasn't doing it every day anymore he couldn't care less if I shot up twice a year, provided I wasn't stupid and didn't overamp. But when his partner came in and he was exposed to the type of IV meth user who the drug just brings out the worst in, well his opinion of the drug, and that route of administration changed dramatically and he ceased mentoring me practically overnight.
It jarred the friendship, because our connection over his prior cocaine use and guiding me through my recovery was the basis for our friendship. And that vanished. He was still there to help with the self harm, or issues with my dad. But then eventually some dumb pointless disagreement happened where he didn't want to admit he said he would help with zero intention of actually doing it and when asked to follow through instead of just admitting that, acted like a knob, well my efforts to figure out why someone who had always at least explained why he couldn't help and suggested I ask another friend suddenly acted like he didn't care. Didn't go down well, and that was the end of 5 years and the most painful thing was, I disclosed my full history to him March 2021. About 2 weeks after my disastrous manic episode ended. And what I did to him when I was manic? Goddamn, I'd have accepted him calling it quits on me due to that.
I'd just had a blow up with a friend who fucked up when we went camping and not checked the stove, then threw a tantrum that he didnt want to buy a second stove so I paid $150 (my grocery money) when I had a functional stove at home. Dude then calls me Monday to brag he got the broken stove replaced. I ask if he's going to apologise for screwing me over or just rub his good luck in my face and he asks what I'm on about. I point out that HE didn't check the stove dispute ample time. HE told me not to bring mine as a back up, HE apparently shouldn't have two while I should. And I end up with no food money and an extra stove. Told him if I did what he did I'd give me the money out of a sense of moral correctness. He made a bunch of excuses and I told him it was all bullshit as it would have taken 30 seconds. Eventually he goes 'youre so fucking retarded and Autistic sometimes you spastic, why do you have to rub my nose in my mistake' and I sat there stunned. The only other time he got mad at me was when I put up a boundary. And I wasn't rubbing his nose in it, he hadn't acknowledged he cost me $150 at any stage.
Upset, I contacted other friend. I called immediately after leaving work. Now, because the world is a lovely place and full of joy I cannot remember any of the pleasant, kind, and supportive things Haydn said to me were. All I recall is saying 'i fucking hate my autism getting in the way of shit. I don't care I'm doing fucking meth tonight' and Haydn exclaims 'eli no! It's 11.5 months this is the longest you've ever gone, we've got your lunch planned in 2 weeks and everyone is so excited to celebrate supporting you' so I said 'well they supported the wrong person. Fuck you man, I've got the money anyway, who cares'
Now, I don't recall who hung up but the next morning I got a text saying 'i am furious with you right now. Do not message me for a few days. I don't want to say anything I regret' and I was confounded as I couldn't remember anything big happening'.
Got into an arguement with my other best friend.
By Thursday (4 days later) my friend Jack pointed out I may be manic after I pressure talked at him for 2 straight hours. Still denied it. After leaving work I got into my car and suddenly had the bright plan of quitting my job, breaking my lease, and joining a church (I'm Jewish) due to being able to talk to god. Suddenly everything became so clear.
Called my old housemate Blair to tell him and asked if he could come to mind to try and get me triaged into the short stay unit for delusions. Didn't have any luck even with him but luckily got blasted with Seroquel the following day.
On Thursday I told Haydn I was manic and he asked me to keep him updated with medication, and that when I was back to normal we would have a chat about what happened.
He called he asked me if I remembered speaking on the phone. I said I remembered we had a phone call but none of the conversation. He explained what I said and I literally just said 'haydn honestly I am not even going to try to apologise because there is no way that I can ever fully make up for what I said to you and how hurtful that was. I threw 5 years of you supporting my recovery through everything, and then tossed that back into your face. And what literally makes me ashamed and horrified at myself is telling you I could use because I had the money, and what hurts me about that is that YOU GAVE me that $100, not lent it, GAVE it to me so I wouldn't have to ask the sperm donor and I said to your face I would spend it on the drug which you now hate and which has inflicted misery on your partner and her kids through their biological dad. I honestly can't make up for that. I don't expect you to want to stay friends with me'
And he went 'actually once you told me you were manic it clicked immediately. I wasn't talking to you. Not really'
So I said 'i can't help but feel as though I've been given a pass here due to the Bipolar and I'm not entirely comfortable with it being an excuse'
'it isn't an excuse, it's the reason that you said something to me that was so out of your typical character that I couldn't understand what you said to me when you said it. And also, we have now sorted this, it's done. If I ever try to bring up what you said in the future to hold against you, you can tell me to fuck off. It's sorted.'
So like, everything was backwards to me because everyone I showed the conversation to pointed to him as the party in the wrong, except our mutual friend at the time Jad who took Haydn's side to my complete disbelief.
Cut to months later, I miss Haydn as a friend when he wasn't shit. I can't forgive him for finally getting me to fully trust him then two weeks later distancing himself due to the drugs instead of having a fucking adult conversation about how the ex husband IV meth users drug use was too much for him to handle and to remain friends with me he couldn't mentor me anymore, so any help I required I had to look elsewhere but keep him updated on success. Nope nothing. But he was always shit at that. But I miss Jad more, and his last words to me were that he hoped we could talk again, and I was the one to break things off by saying I needed to have a break from him until he could see how Haydn hurt me and acknowledge what really happened. I messaged him saying I'd written a letter.
The first thing I did in the letter was apologise for calling him an asshole and say it was unjustified. He had been (badly) trying to help me understand. I explained something called the Karpman Drama Triangle which represented Haydn me and my dad or Jad me and my dad. Jad and Haydn sitting in the role of rescuer, me the victim, and my dad the persecutor. They both wanted to protect me from him, and hurt him for me. But it creates learned helplessness and eventually even some of the stuff Jad said in our last arguement came across as though they kept me around so they had someone all fucked up to know they were better than. So I became the prosecutor towards them both to get out of that fucking perpetual victim role and then a week later went no contact with my dad without either of them.
Explained how boundaries for me are actually super important and I wanted to discuss with him some new ones. I admitted relapsing but said I learnt it was self punishedment. Requested he not tell Haydn. Told him explicitly that he was not in the future should we reconnect to attempt in anyway to manage, fix, or intervene in my substance use because he like Haydn was wildly unqualified.
Then explained my questioning of Haydn through the autistic lens of if someone goes off script I need to find out why and that I can only surmise Haydn either somehow didn't understand what I was asking, or didn't want to answer. But I made it very clear that unlike what Jad said when we argued this was far from the first time Haydn said no. He actually said no more often than he said yes. I'd ask, expecting a no but hoping for a yes. That was the status quo. And I always cast a wide net.
Jad read the letter and asked if I wanted to have that phone call he originally offered when we argued. I said yes. We chatted. Caught up. He explained he is now barely talking to Haydn Because when he came back home and visited he got blown off and then Haydn asked if his partner could come for a 30 min coffee and Jad remembered me saying Haydn ignored me asking him to my birthday until I invited his partner too. Suddenly he wondered what else he misunderstood. He went and literally read back through everything when he wasn't agitated and he told me that he was wrong, I got screwed hard. Jad literally was like 'i need to apologise to you profusely. You were in a crisis and you told me what happened and you gave me evidence and for some stupid reason instead of believing the guy who never lies I sided with the dude you can't get a straight answer out of. Then when I visit for the first time in 2 years he can't be fucked making time. You literally rescheduled things to see me when I visited. You made me your priority. I idolised Haydn but now I realise honestly he's kind of a cunt when you take away the good traits. But you were the best friend I made at uni and I lost that. I'm sorry I didn't believe you'
And like all that got fixed, but this huge glaring hole in my life remains.
Enter guy from discord. I tell him he reminds me of Haydn because Haydn, up until he went asshole mode, had the fucking patience of a saint with me. Or was a narcissist. Honestly it's a 50/50 because his drive to get me off drugs likely stemmed from his friend getting all coked up with him in the army on barracks one night and the paranoia kicked in and his mate blew his brains out in front of him using Haydn's service rifle and after the military formally interviewed him they gave him 2 counselling sessions then psychiatrically discharged him. Nice. So then he becomes friends with me and I relapse but this time he actually has time to intervene and holy shit does he make that his life mission. Because last time it was over in a split second and he 100% blamed himself something terrible for that happening. So it's impossible to say but I prefer to think he was trying to have a second chance than think he was an awful person. He was a fucked up guy, and not okay. But I don't think he deliberately manipulated me. He is definitely a questionable step parent though. But for 5 years he just was there every fucking step of the way and that is a once in a life time thing.
So eventually this friend tells me how he walked in after his fiancee hanged herself and found the body. Very traumatic. I've never experienced something like that and it's sort of like when Haydn told me he was right there when his friends head blew apart I'm like 'honestly how do you function after experiencing that' because it's such a *different* type of trauma than what I've lived through.
Because he shared that I shared mine. And because it's over text I was able to be more detailed than I can verbally. And he believed me. Was reassuring. Like a nice person. Asked at one stage how I could possibly blame myself because he cannot understand that logic so I stepped him through it.
Then randomly I messaged and said 'hey man, now that haydn is out of the picture and I don't have anyone in my life who was just always there to help make sure my brain didn't go all fucky, could you message me sometimes if I message you or just randomly saying I didn't deserve it and it wasn't my fault? You know more than anyone else, so it means the most coming from you.
He happily agreed.
He did it and then... TRUST ISSUE TRAUMA BUTTON SMASHED.
In 2015-2016 an older, very rapey guy from the lacrosse club took me from drives to get me away from dad and let me sleep on his couch. I made it clear this was friendship only. Eventually he tells me 'Eli, I'm attracted to you' and I went 'get unattracted to me, I'm a man, you're straight' 'right, but I do let you sleep here and I have spent money on you plus I did know you before you transit-' 'okay firstly daren, you're a fucking asshole and secondly don't finish that sentence. I'm leaving, don't contact me.
If he said he was bisexual i would have only raised the asshole move of requesting sex as payment for kindness. The trauma came in due to my dad misgendering me to maintain his straight sexuality.
Enter my housemate Blair. Just like daren he is desperate to her me off drugs, and likewise is deeply curious about my dad. Also, older than me by a bit. Same deal. Friends only. Works alright until again, oh 'im attracted to you' and we'll, he is bisexual so it didn't slam the major trauma bottom but because he did help with stuff I felt obliged to give him what he wanted. Blair later apologised profusely for engaging in this relationship of convenience because he understood it harmed me. But he genuinely liked me in that way and with different timing things may have been different. He's one of my closest friends.
Enter Haydn. Not anything in common. Wants me off drugs. Very tuned into the trauma. Older than me. And like daren and Blair fit himself neatly into a helper or mentor role. Instant suspicion. Asked him when we met to discuss his help why he was doing this. When he said he liked me I apparently looked aggressively defensive, so he clarified as a person and he was straight with a long term partner. He said he hated seeing me waste my potential sticking needles in my arm and knew I was a good person. In 2019 we got dinner and I mentioned that day was 3 months off meth. He say he would pay. I asked him why he kept helping me when all I did was get 3-9 months off meth and then fuck up, like how had he not become fed up by now. He said the days I messed up were hard, but days like today made it all worth it and he promised that as long as I was still trying, he wouldn't ever give up. I said that still didn't answer my question. What was he getting out of it. I didn't understand and I still honestly suspected a sexual element.
He said 'im not Daren. I don't do transactional friendships'
And I sat there stunned before going 'wow, you managed to specifically pick the exact issue I had down to the person and now I feel like you understand why I didn't trust you and honestly suddenly I do?'
So like ANYONE who fits into the older male, wants to help with drugs, shows interest in helping with my trauma, and inserts themselves into a helper or mentor role is sheer fear.
And this new friend without me even realising it fucking ticked all those boxes again plus this huge massive red flag because he offhandedly mentioned how years ago randomly he met a trans guy he found really hot so my dumb as shit fucking brain is like 'he wants to fuck me because I'm trans and the only reason he's being so nice is to lure me in'
And I am honestly SO fucking pissed off. Like I get I've had a shit run of people helping me. But I ASKED this guy because with Haydn it helped and made me feel reassured but with this new friend I was deeply unsettled.
I want to just be able to trust that some people, not all because that would be stupid and unsafe to think but MAYBE this guy I met in a harm fucking reduction server with his own trauma just wants to help.
But I cannot fucking bring myself to do it. I hate this. It was like this with haydn too, he did fuck up once or twice but he proved over and over again that I could trust him and one day I just had to call him and tell him I realised that he has done everything to prove that I can trust him, but because of my trauma I actually just cannot trust another person with my entire being. Not when I couldn't trust a parent. I told him I didn't think he was wanting to hurt me but he just wouldn't ever understand this and all he needed to know was that I was doing my best.
This experience. Trust? I can't. I can't ever date, because i can't trust them enough. I can't have support workers who aren't confirmed long term workers with trauma training. I can't engage in any therapy unless it is long term. I need ample warning for someone to leave my life.
If someone lies to me there are zero second chances. That is it. You're gone. Done. Never again. If they break that trust it is never coming back.
I don't know what to do about this. I want to trust this new friend but I hold myself back. Like I want more than anything to feel what it feels like to have a person I can completely trust. I had that with Haydn for all of two weeks then he ripped it away and I fell apart. But I don't know if it's worth it again.
If anyone knows how to work on this please tell me.
I used to have a friend who knew a lot about my trauma, and he made a point to always be there for me if I ever texted him asking 'was it my fault' and he would respond telling me it wasn't, it was my dad's.
He did this for me til we stopped being friends. Life happens. But I lost the first person who ever believed me about the trauma, who constantly reassured me I didn't deserve it, and who taught me (until he hurt me) that it was safe to trust people again.
I started talking to someone who is now a friend on the discord over a mutual member we were trying to help. This person had promised to talk to this member every day, which I raised as an issue due to the member in question being a teenager who clearly would eventually be diagnosed with BPD. Said boundaries would need to be established or if he missed a day all hell would break loose. I mentioned how I thought him offering that was kind, and it reminded me of my ex friend, who when I got sober in 2017 made himself available as a non 12 step mentor 24/7 7 days a week for me. This reduced over time of course. Initially texting contact was pretty constant in the early days, but then it was just when I needed something or we were chatting shit. I slept at his house not infrequently initially, but that morphed more into phone calls. If it was super important regarding how I was travelling I'd usually ask for a call a specific date and time, basically something to look forward to in order to get through the week so that when we called I could go 'before we chat shit, just need to hear the things. Not my fault, didn't deserve it. Not a bad person' and he would do that then he would tell me all about his latest lady friend. And like he also relied on me, he would call me and discuss being really upset about things and ask for my advice and we would talk for 2 hours. He gave me a lot, but it wasn't one sided. I always made sure he knew how much I appreciated him, by doing things like cleaning his dishes when I slept over and putting them away, making dinner, making this little cross stitch that said 'did you call first' when he laughed at the doormat picture of that I sent. Making him a Bob Ross painting with a handwritten letter of how much I valued him. Books chosen because I knew they would be of value. Being honest all the time. Taking feedback on board. Respecting boundaries. It worked well, until his attitude towards specifically IV meth which when it was just me was tolerant to the point of absurdity because so long as I wasn't doing it every day anymore he couldn't care less if I shot up twice a year, provided I wasn't stupid and didn't overamp. But when his partner came in and he was exposed to the type of IV meth user who the drug just brings out the worst in, well his opinion of the drug, and that route of administration changed dramatically and he ceased mentoring me practically overnight.
It jarred the friendship, because our connection over his prior cocaine use and guiding me through my recovery was the basis for our friendship. And that vanished. He was still there to help with the self harm, or issues with my dad. But then eventually some dumb pointless disagreement happened where he didn't want to admit he said he would help with zero intention of actually doing it and when asked to follow through instead of just admitting that, acted like a knob, well my efforts to figure out why someone who had always at least explained why he couldn't help and suggested I ask another friend suddenly acted like he didn't care. Didn't go down well, and that was the end of 5 years and the most painful thing was, I disclosed my full history to him March 2021. About 2 weeks after my disastrous manic episode ended. And what I did to him when I was manic? Goddamn, I'd have accepted him calling it quits on me due to that.
I'd just had a blow up with a friend who fucked up when we went camping and not checked the stove, then threw a tantrum that he didnt want to buy a second stove so I paid $150 (my grocery money) when I had a functional stove at home. Dude then calls me Monday to brag he got the broken stove replaced. I ask if he's going to apologise for screwing me over or just rub his good luck in my face and he asks what I'm on about. I point out that HE didn't check the stove dispute ample time. HE told me not to bring mine as a back up, HE apparently shouldn't have two while I should. And I end up with no food money and an extra stove. Told him if I did what he did I'd give me the money out of a sense of moral correctness. He made a bunch of excuses and I told him it was all bullshit as it would have taken 30 seconds. Eventually he goes 'youre so fucking retarded and Autistic sometimes you spastic, why do you have to rub my nose in my mistake' and I sat there stunned. The only other time he got mad at me was when I put up a boundary. And I wasn't rubbing his nose in it, he hadn't acknowledged he cost me $150 at any stage.
Upset, I contacted other friend. I called immediately after leaving work. Now, because the world is a lovely place and full of joy I cannot remember any of the pleasant, kind, and supportive things Haydn said to me were. All I recall is saying 'i fucking hate my autism getting in the way of shit. I don't care I'm doing fucking meth tonight' and Haydn exclaims 'eli no! It's 11.5 months this is the longest you've ever gone, we've got your lunch planned in 2 weeks and everyone is so excited to celebrate supporting you' so I said 'well they supported the wrong person. Fuck you man, I've got the money anyway, who cares'
Now, I don't recall who hung up but the next morning I got a text saying 'i am furious with you right now. Do not message me for a few days. I don't want to say anything I regret' and I was confounded as I couldn't remember anything big happening'.
Got into an arguement with my other best friend.
By Thursday (4 days later) my friend Jack pointed out I may be manic after I pressure talked at him for 2 straight hours. Still denied it. After leaving work I got into my car and suddenly had the bright plan of quitting my job, breaking my lease, and joining a church (I'm Jewish) due to being able to talk to god. Suddenly everything became so clear.
Called my old housemate Blair to tell him and asked if he could come to mind to try and get me triaged into the short stay unit for delusions. Didn't have any luck even with him but luckily got blasted with Seroquel the following day.
On Thursday I told Haydn I was manic and he asked me to keep him updated with medication, and that when I was back to normal we would have a chat about what happened.
He called he asked me if I remembered speaking on the phone. I said I remembered we had a phone call but none of the conversation. He explained what I said and I literally just said 'haydn honestly I am not even going to try to apologise because there is no way that I can ever fully make up for what I said to you and how hurtful that was. I threw 5 years of you supporting my recovery through everything, and then tossed that back into your face. And what literally makes me ashamed and horrified at myself is telling you I could use because I had the money, and what hurts me about that is that YOU GAVE me that $100, not lent it, GAVE it to me so I wouldn't have to ask the sperm donor and I said to your face I would spend it on the drug which you now hate and which has inflicted misery on your partner and her kids through their biological dad. I honestly can't make up for that. I don't expect you to want to stay friends with me'
And he went 'actually once you told me you were manic it clicked immediately. I wasn't talking to you. Not really'
So I said 'i can't help but feel as though I've been given a pass here due to the Bipolar and I'm not entirely comfortable with it being an excuse'
'it isn't an excuse, it's the reason that you said something to me that was so out of your typical character that I couldn't understand what you said to me when you said it. And also, we have now sorted this, it's done. If I ever try to bring up what you said in the future to hold against you, you can tell me to fuck off. It's sorted.'
So like, everything was backwards to me because everyone I showed the conversation to pointed to him as the party in the wrong, except our mutual friend at the time Jad who took Haydn's side to my complete disbelief.
Cut to months later, I miss Haydn as a friend when he wasn't shit. I can't forgive him for finally getting me to fully trust him then two weeks later distancing himself due to the drugs instead of having a fucking adult conversation about how the ex husband IV meth users drug use was too much for him to handle and to remain friends with me he couldn't mentor me anymore, so any help I required I had to look elsewhere but keep him updated on success. Nope nothing. But he was always shit at that. But I miss Jad more, and his last words to me were that he hoped we could talk again, and I was the one to break things off by saying I needed to have a break from him until he could see how Haydn hurt me and acknowledge what really happened. I messaged him saying I'd written a letter.
The first thing I did in the letter was apologise for calling him an asshole and say it was unjustified. He had been (badly) trying to help me understand. I explained something called the Karpman Drama Triangle which represented Haydn me and my dad or Jad me and my dad. Jad and Haydn sitting in the role of rescuer, me the victim, and my dad the persecutor. They both wanted to protect me from him, and hurt him for me. But it creates learned helplessness and eventually even some of the stuff Jad said in our last arguement came across as though they kept me around so they had someone all fucked up to know they were better than. So I became the prosecutor towards them both to get out of that fucking perpetual victim role and then a week later went no contact with my dad without either of them.
Explained how boundaries for me are actually super important and I wanted to discuss with him some new ones. I admitted relapsing but said I learnt it was self punishedment. Requested he not tell Haydn. Told him explicitly that he was not in the future should we reconnect to attempt in anyway to manage, fix, or intervene in my substance use because he like Haydn was wildly unqualified.
Then explained my questioning of Haydn through the autistic lens of if someone goes off script I need to find out why and that I can only surmise Haydn either somehow didn't understand what I was asking, or didn't want to answer. But I made it very clear that unlike what Jad said when we argued this was far from the first time Haydn said no. He actually said no more often than he said yes. I'd ask, expecting a no but hoping for a yes. That was the status quo. And I always cast a wide net.
Jad read the letter and asked if I wanted to have that phone call he originally offered when we argued. I said yes. We chatted. Caught up. He explained he is now barely talking to Haydn Because when he came back home and visited he got blown off and then Haydn asked if his partner could come for a 30 min coffee and Jad remembered me saying Haydn ignored me asking him to my birthday until I invited his partner too. Suddenly he wondered what else he misunderstood. He went and literally read back through everything when he wasn't agitated and he told me that he was wrong, I got screwed hard. Jad literally was like 'i need to apologise to you profusely. You were in a crisis and you told me what happened and you gave me evidence and for some stupid reason instead of believing the guy who never lies I sided with the dude you can't get a straight answer out of. Then when I visit for the first time in 2 years he can't be fucked making time. You literally rescheduled things to see me when I visited. You made me your priority. I idolised Haydn but now I realise honestly he's kind of a cunt when you take away the good traits. But you were the best friend I made at uni and I lost that. I'm sorry I didn't believe you'
And like all that got fixed, but this huge glaring hole in my life remains.
Enter guy from discord. I tell him he reminds me of Haydn because Haydn, up until he went asshole mode, had the fucking patience of a saint with me. Or was a narcissist. Honestly it's a 50/50 because his drive to get me off drugs likely stemmed from his friend getting all coked up with him in the army on barracks one night and the paranoia kicked in and his mate blew his brains out in front of him using Haydn's service rifle and after the military formally interviewed him they gave him 2 counselling sessions then psychiatrically discharged him. Nice. So then he becomes friends with me and I relapse but this time he actually has time to intervene and holy shit does he make that his life mission. Because last time it was over in a split second and he 100% blamed himself something terrible for that happening. So it's impossible to say but I prefer to think he was trying to have a second chance than think he was an awful person. He was a fucked up guy, and not okay. But I don't think he deliberately manipulated me. He is definitely a questionable step parent though. But for 5 years he just was there every fucking step of the way and that is a once in a life time thing.
So eventually this friend tells me how he walked in after his fiancee hanged herself and found the body. Very traumatic. I've never experienced something like that and it's sort of like when Haydn told me he was right there when his friends head blew apart I'm like 'honestly how do you function after experiencing that' because it's such a *different* type of trauma than what I've lived through.
Because he shared that I shared mine. And because it's over text I was able to be more detailed than I can verbally. And he believed me. Was reassuring. Like a nice person. Asked at one stage how I could possibly blame myself because he cannot understand that logic so I stepped him through it.
Then randomly I messaged and said 'hey man, now that haydn is out of the picture and I don't have anyone in my life who was just always there to help make sure my brain didn't go all fucky, could you message me sometimes if I message you or just randomly saying I didn't deserve it and it wasn't my fault? You know more than anyone else, so it means the most coming from you.
He happily agreed.
He did it and then... TRUST ISSUE TRAUMA BUTTON SMASHED.
In 2015-2016 an older, very rapey guy from the lacrosse club took me from drives to get me away from dad and let me sleep on his couch. I made it clear this was friendship only. Eventually he tells me 'Eli, I'm attracted to you' and I went 'get unattracted to me, I'm a man, you're straight' 'right, but I do let you sleep here and I have spent money on you plus I did know you before you transit-' 'okay firstly daren, you're a fucking asshole and secondly don't finish that sentence. I'm leaving, don't contact me.
If he said he was bisexual i would have only raised the asshole move of requesting sex as payment for kindness. The trauma came in due to my dad misgendering me to maintain his straight sexuality.
Enter my housemate Blair. Just like daren he is desperate to her me off drugs, and likewise is deeply curious about my dad. Also, older than me by a bit. Same deal. Friends only. Works alright until again, oh 'im attracted to you' and we'll, he is bisexual so it didn't slam the major trauma bottom but because he did help with stuff I felt obliged to give him what he wanted. Blair later apologised profusely for engaging in this relationship of convenience because he understood it harmed me. But he genuinely liked me in that way and with different timing things may have been different. He's one of my closest friends.
Enter Haydn. Not anything in common. Wants me off drugs. Very tuned into the trauma. Older than me. And like daren and Blair fit himself neatly into a helper or mentor role. Instant suspicion. Asked him when we met to discuss his help why he was doing this. When he said he liked me I apparently looked aggressively defensive, so he clarified as a person and he was straight with a long term partner. He said he hated seeing me waste my potential sticking needles in my arm and knew I was a good person. In 2019 we got dinner and I mentioned that day was 3 months off meth. He say he would pay. I asked him why he kept helping me when all I did was get 3-9 months off meth and then fuck up, like how had he not become fed up by now. He said the days I messed up were hard, but days like today made it all worth it and he promised that as long as I was still trying, he wouldn't ever give up. I said that still didn't answer my question. What was he getting out of it. I didn't understand and I still honestly suspected a sexual element.
He said 'im not Daren. I don't do transactional friendships'
And I sat there stunned before going 'wow, you managed to specifically pick the exact issue I had down to the person and now I feel like you understand why I didn't trust you and honestly suddenly I do?'
So like ANYONE who fits into the older male, wants to help with drugs, shows interest in helping with my trauma, and inserts themselves into a helper or mentor role is sheer fear.
And this new friend without me even realising it fucking ticked all those boxes again plus this huge massive red flag because he offhandedly mentioned how years ago randomly he met a trans guy he found really hot so my dumb as shit fucking brain is like 'he wants to fuck me because I'm trans and the only reason he's being so nice is to lure me in'
And I am honestly SO fucking pissed off. Like I get I've had a shit run of people helping me. But I ASKED this guy because with Haydn it helped and made me feel reassured but with this new friend I was deeply unsettled.
I want to just be able to trust that some people, not all because that would be stupid and unsafe to think but MAYBE this guy I met in a harm fucking reduction server with his own trauma just wants to help.
But I cannot fucking bring myself to do it. I hate this. It was like this with haydn too, he did fuck up once or twice but he proved over and over again that I could trust him and one day I just had to call him and tell him I realised that he has done everything to prove that I can trust him, but because of my trauma I actually just cannot trust another person with my entire being. Not when I couldn't trust a parent. I told him I didn't think he was wanting to hurt me but he just wouldn't ever understand this and all he needed to know was that I was doing my best.
This experience. Trust? I can't. I can't ever date, because i can't trust them enough. I can't have support workers who aren't confirmed long term workers with trauma training. I can't engage in any therapy unless it is long term. I need ample warning for someone to leave my life.
If someone lies to me there are zero second chances. That is it. You're gone. Done. Never again. If they break that trust it is never coming back.
I don't know what to do about this. I want to trust this new friend but I hold myself back. Like I want more than anything to feel what it feels like to have a person I can completely trust. I had that with Haydn for all of two weeks then he ripped it away and I fell apart. But I don't know if it's worth it again.
If anyone knows how to work on this please tell me.
