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Need some help guidance with some issues..

D

dhgravity

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 20, 2016
Messages
4
So a few months ago I reconnected with a woman I met on vacation who now lives near me (about 2 hrs away by boat) And we began texting and talking on the phone every day for the past 2ish months(mostly texting) And we have met up in person twice now. I've really enjoyed getting to know her and we seem to have developed a really good connection and it feels amazing whenever I hear from her and just being close the few times we met in person.

Our first time hanging out was great, she slept over for 2 nights but we didn't have sex, we just ended up getting close, cuddling and enjoyed each others company. She came to visit again for new years eve and I think with all the build up and flirting via text and sexual tension when it did happen I couldn't really keep my erection(This has happened in the past with me with sleeping with a woman for the first time or 2 until I get really comfortable with them) So We talked about it and she suggested that maybe we were putting too much pressure on having sex which really put me at ease. She left to head back home for work the next day and we kept in contact every day like usual, but something seemed different this time, when I asked her if everything was ok, she sent me a message saying she didn't want to continue with the way things are going because she didn't think we were sexually compatible.

This whole situation really got in my head, I just can't help but blame myself and think what did I do wrong or how could I have done something differently to not turn her off, She was all hot for me then all of a sudden just went cold.

I also struggle with social and generalized anxiety which leads to depression, and I think that causes me to isolate myself and avoid contact or approaching women. And after this most recent relationship I've really realized how much better it can make me feel just having someone in my life who needs me and loves me. And that it's not healthy to just be a lone wolf. Also I'm a healthy 33 year old dude, women tell me I'm a good looking guy and have a lot going for me but I still just can't seem to make thing work.

Sometimes I'm really confident and feel great about my future and life in general and want to go out and talk to women and hang out with friends but most of the time I just would rather not be bothered, and enjoy spending time alone I think because there is no chance of being embarrassed or humiliated or being put in an awkward situation. I know how counter-productive this can be, I sometimes try to force myself out into uncomfortable situations but a lot of time I just feel unnatural and revert back to my crutch of avoidance. I'm probably making this sound a lot worse than it really is because I know sometimes I can be a pretty charming, funny and enjoyable person to be around. I think I just suffer from a very low self esteem and self-confidence.

I find I compare myself to others as well, a few of the guys at my work seem to have no problem talking to women and they are always sleeping with someone and just seem to have no issues, and a few of them take the piss outta me for being kinda shitty with women I know it's because they like me and are joking around but I don't think they realize that it actually does bother me a bit and in a way discourages me even more. I sometimes feel envious and wished I could be that stud of a guy that gets the girl.

I also masturbate on average once a day, but it's almost always to porn, but whenever I would have a woman in my life I would stop watching porn. The type I watch has also progressed as well to kinkier stuff over the years, at first it was just to pictures of certain pornstars or whatever I could get my hands on really, now it's kinda progressed to nothing crazy but I like watching lesbians and curvy women and women riding someones face and getting off on it. The whole mean dominatrix thing doesn't really do it for me it's more just that position I find to be really arousing. In my past relationships I think sex wasn't as good as it should have been? I just sometimes felt it was hard to fully relax and let myself go, and me and my partners never really talked about sex much or if something happened like if I lost my erection during sex or changing positions we wouldn't really talk about it much or satisfying fantasies. I just really want to get that feeling back of being close to someone and having a real connection and have some good sex. I also feel kinda repressed like I'm really missing out on a lot of fun times in my life.


Apologies if this post seems a little convoluted and it's a lot of information but I just wanted to see if anyone could relate to the stuff I'm going through or could share any advice some of this stuff I've never shared with anyone before so it feels good to get some things out in the open.

Cheers
 
I'd bet money that the majority of your problem is that you're rushing into the act of sex. It's easy to feel pressured and have erection problems when you feel put on the spot to perform. It's never a problem if you extend the foreplay. If you have a nice slow build-up with lots of oral sex and fingering, and make sure you get your dick sucked until it's rock hard, you won't have those problems. And if you feel like you're starting to lose your erection during sex (sometimes just being exhausted from fucking can make me go soft) you can pull out, wipe it off and make her give you a deep gagging BJ for a while. That usually restores your cock to rock hard really fast, and it's a nice porn star move to grab her by the hair and force your cock down her throat while you talk dirty to her. Most women really love that shit, especially if you have a big cock and you can force it way down their throat until they are gagging and choking. Then flip her over, pull her hair and pound her until her eyes roll up into her head. You won't go soft if you've got her pinned against wall and whimpering. The dirtier the sex, the harder my cock seems to get. Pulling her hair while I finger her and eat her ass always gets me rock hard. There's a lot more to being a wild fuck than just sticking your penis inside her. I'll eat a chicks pussy and ass for like an hour sometimes. Getting a chick to cum just by tonguing her ass is some porn-star-ninja type shit. And sometimes if you feel like you're going soft, you can just tell her you're exhausted and need a break. Then you can just finger and eat her pussy and ass until your dick gets hard enough to shove down her throat. I'd bet money you're putting too much focus on the actual penis-in-vagina part and skipping past all the fun nasty shit. In my experience, most women want to be dominated and treated like a filthy sex object. They rarely admit it, but if you grab a woman by the hair and start really getting nasty with her during sex, 99% will love it come back over and over again to get defiled by you. And then they will always see you as the badass fuck-beast who treats them like a whore, and they will let you do anything to them once they get a taste of being ruthlessly fucked. I've gotten really sweet innocent girls to do some crazy shit. They will let me fuck them up the ass for the first time, eat another girls pussy, fuck them with no condom, cum on their face... whatever you can think of they'll do it. Most girls have major fantasies of being dominated and fucked like a whore and once you establish yourself in that role, they will do anything for you. And when you're balls deep in some hot chicks ass for the first time in her life and you've got a hold of her by the hair to keep her from climbing up the wall, it's pretty much impossible to go soft.
 
screw her man. (no pun intended)

she prob thinks you have no experience with women. or at the least very little while she prob has 10X the experience. Also sounds like she doesn't really want a relationship with you, but is looking for a friends with benefits. If that is the case I understand her it a little bit more. It also sounds like you were into her more then she was into you. As in you wanted relationship she wanted FWB.

honestly if she isn't willing to give you a 2nd shot you are better off with her. Go practice on prostitutes.
 
You have self image issues and self doubt, this many years of that has had you develop sexual dysfunction. Watching porn further causes problems. Learn to let go, stop percieving everything as going wrong before it starts. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and the more failures you have this way, the more proof you have that it is going to keep happening. I struggle the same way, feeling rejection before it happens and doubting yourself constantly. You need to go out and just have positive sexual experiences. Maybe try explaining this to her. A lot of woman crave that experience where a mans sexual desire is insatiable and that they turn the man on to the point where they almost can't control themselves and embrace the masculine assertive sexual experience.

With men that have self image issues and doubt themselves, the lack of that sexual energy makes them feel insecure and like there is something wrong with them. Let her know this, that it is deeply ingrained within you and that you could use a little coaxing and to learn to let go and embrace that primordial male sexual identity. She may be willing or maybe the moment has passed. You can't own this though, just accept it and move on and don't dwell on it as it is a learning experience. You are learning more about yourself and knowledge, awareness is power. Keep moving forward with this new found knowledge and use the experience as a tool to move forward, use it as motivation to attain the love that you desire and the ability to engage with woman in a way that makes them feel good about themselves to achieve fulfillment through unity of opposing energies.

Stop watching porn, learn to rely on your imagination. Have experiences and be honest about how you are actually experiencing them, learn what you truly like and what gets you off. Constantly be honest with yourself and self aware and don't worry about how people may percieve it, only focus on self discovery and how to attain a sex life that you enjoy and that you can share with someone else who also enjoys that particular brand of sexuality.
 
Maybe you have developed a propensity toward being alone, unable to make that move forward and let someone in, let go and enjoy yourself and allow others to enjoy you. Maybe you are gay or bisexual, if that ends up being the case (just throwing that out there, I don't think you are gay or anything. Only you can know that) then that's completely fine. People require affection and a sexual outlet, repressed sexual desire and an inability to accept oneself will make a human being miserable. Finding out exactly what causes this inability to have sex will see you attain fulfillment and happiness, allow for personal development and growth. There is a massive problem with people who haven't developed sexually, never learning to be intimate and using porn as a crutch can hinder a mans ability to have and maintain an erection and it could be as simple as that. I sincerely hope you are able to overcome this and are able to achieve sexual fulfillment. Going out on a limb and finding a female that will listen to why you weren't able to achieve and maintain an erection and will be patient and supportive is key right now. It may even quell any insecurity and self doubt she may have experienced during this experience as well.
 
Thanks for all the replies,

I think you hit the nail on the head Ligaturd, I will have a negative experience weather it be socially or sexual and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and then I revert to my crutch of avoidance. The last time I spoke with her was almost 2 weeks ago now and she made it pretty clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me, and she also said she doesn't have the patience work on things. So yea.. I think that ship has sailed. I've had that sexual energy before and felt confident around women but it seems a bit lost to me right now. And has been for a while.

I'm not Gay or Bi-sexual, I've never been attracted or been interested in anything sexual with another man. I definitely get aroused by women and love a woman's body and touch, but it's hard to get excited by women when your not in the proper state of mind or anxious or depressed about things. I've had women ask me if I'm gay in the past, and it kinda freaks me out and my mind starts acting up.. and I thought to myself "Am I gay?" But it was usually because I wasn't interested in hooking up with them or asking them out for whatever reason, Usually it's in a bar setting which makes me anxious as fuck in the first place and when people are putting pressure on me to go talk to someone or there's pressure on talking to women it just makes me even more uninterested. Anytime I've ever hooked up with someone it's always because we have established some level of comfort and connection. Maybe part of this is because I'm a good looking guy and people have told me this and when women see that I'm single and good looking and avoiding talking to women out at a bar or party and probably looking uncomfortable they assume too much.

Recently I went to a friends wedding last summer and I was really anxious just being in the wedding party and I felt like the spotlight was on me, and there happened to be one of the bridesmaids there that was single and super sexy and I was single at the time as well and right away I felt pressure from my friends to go and try and make something happen with her, I even had my best friends little bro. come up to me and try and push me on the dancefloor to dance with her and he said "your tall she's tall just go for it dude!" I thought this girl was really really attractive but every fiber of my being couldn't relax and get into it because of all the pressure I felt.
 
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Watching porn too much causing you this issue, however you're also thinking of having sex a lot. You need to think normally during a meet up with a women. And when you're in a position of having sex try not to do anything overdo, instead take it slowly. One more thing when you'll have sex continuously your mentioned issues will be fixed.
 
DeadElvis666 said:
I'd bet money that the majority of your problem is that you're rushing into the act of sex. It's easy to feel pressured and have erection problems when you feel put on the spot to perform. It's never a problem if you extend the foreplay. If you have a nice slow build-up with lots of oral sex and fingering, and make sure you get your dick sucked until it's rock hard, you won't have those problems. And if you feel like you're starting to lose your erection during sex (sometimes just being exhausted from fucking can make me go soft) you can pull out, wipe it off and make her give you a deep gagging BJ for a while. That usually restores your cock to rock hard really fast, and it's a nice porn star move to grab her by the hair and force your cock down her throat while you talk dirty to her. Most women really love that shit, especially if you have a big cock and you can force it way down their throat until they are gagging and choking. Then flip her over, pull her hair and pound her until her eyes roll up into her head. You won't go soft if you've got her pinned against wall and whimpering. The dirtier the sex, the harder my cock seems to get. Pulling her hair while I finger her and eat her ass always gets me rock hard. There's a lot more to being a wild fuck than just sticking your penis inside her. I'll eat a chicks pussy and ass for like an hour sometimes. Getting a chick to cum just by tonguing her ass is some porn-star-ninja type shit. And sometimes if you feel like you're going soft, you can just tell her you're exhausted and need a break. Then you can just finger and eat her pussy and ass until your dick gets hard enough to shove down her throat. I'd bet money you're putting too much focus on the actual penis-in-vagina part and skipping past all the fun nasty shit. In my experience, most women want to be dominated and treated like a filthy sex object. They rarely admit it, but if you grab a woman by the hair and start really getting nasty with her during sex, 99% will love it come back over and over again to get defiled by you. And then they will always see you as the badass fuck-beast who treats them like a whore, and they will let you do anything to them once they get a taste of being ruthlessly fucked. I've gotten really sweet innocent girls to do some crazy shit. They will let me fuck them up the ass for the first time, eat another girls pussy, fuck them with no condom, cum on their face... whatever you can think of they'll do it. Most girls have major fantasies of being dominated and fucked like a whore and once you establish yourself in that role, they will do anything for you. And when you're balls deep in some hot chicks ass for the first time in her life and you've got a hold of her by the hair to keep her from climbing up the wall, it's pretty much impossible to go soft.
Click to expand...

OP, do not listen to any of this guys advice. :D
 
^Hahaha

OP, there's really no point dwelling on stuff like this. Sometime's shit's gonna work out, sometimes it isn't. Cutting back on porn and masturbation will probably. I know it takes me long as fuck to orgasm with a girl after I've been single (and watching lots of porn) for a while. The world's your oyster dood.
 
Yeah, definitely don't do "porn star moves" or anything like that. Just be yourself, ease into finding out who you are sexually. That's rough but at least she is being completely open and honest about not having any patience for that. There are many woman who do like that super masculine, dominant experience but there are also many who are patient and are into that innocence that could be perceived from such a situation. I am going through something similar right now actually but slowly I am starting to have more confidence and feel like I am almost ready to start going out and finding out what I want. I know all the reasons that have lead to these issues and also that being avoidant isn't going to get me anywhere, just gotta keep putting myself out there and not being afraid to fail and not getting discouraged but learning from failure.

Anyways I really hope that you find someone to give you what you need or that you can adapt to whatever you encounter.
 
this a self esteem problem.

i have no problem getting an erection but so many times no none can make me cum (and its not that hard). i cant let go these days without proper intimacy which i dont have so i feel your problem and i'm a similar age.

you need to look at why you dont value yourself and try and alter this. do you go to the gym or swimming? excercise does make your mood better and your body will look and feel better too. plus you see SOOOOOOOOO many hot men and women in the gym at the right times.
 
DeadElvis's advice was pretty fucking hilarious, but yea I didn't take that seriously at all!

Liga I think the last 2 women I dated were into and wanted that really masculine dude that just takes control and I think I played the romantic take things slow guy which kinda turned them off, and the rejections really got into my head, along with my ED issues in the past.

I agree with Potface, I think it's a self confidence/self-esteem issue. When I have a woman in bed or during foreplay I will be rock hard, but then I'll lose my erection when I go to fuck her or sometimes during penetration, I think I'm so focused on keeping stiff or subconsciously those times where I lost my erection creep into my head and I just lose my erection because of that. It's just frustrating as fuck because I want to have control over my sexuality and be confident to satisfy the women that I'm attracted to but I feel like I can't. I don't go to the gym, but I'm a pretty fit dude, I work out at home sometimes and I jog, mountain bike all year round and snowboard, I also use a bike to commute everywhere I go.
 
I've been reading a lot of sex articles lately and other threads on this forum and other forums, and I'm reading all these stories of people just letting losse and doing all this kinky shit to their partners and having really good sex, and I want that! I would love to just be able to have the confidence to do what I want with my sexuality.
 
It's definitely not something that happens over night, procrastination is your worst enemy. Many people have gone through all of this early on in life, have had their failures but have also had successes and experience connecting with others and discovering what they like so when they approach prospective partners now, it is second nature. Lagging behind in development sexually can be really intimidating but the more experiences you have, whether positive or negative, the less foreign and intimidating it will become.

I personally wouldn't go this route but there are sex therapists out there and some of them have sex with men or at the very least have that dialog with you. Also hiring an escort could be a viable solution as a sort of therapy through experience, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this however. It's something to think about if you just don't feel that you are able to get past the nervousness and self doubt to pick up a woman at a bar. I have in the past been confident and been able to flirt with and connect with, have casual sex with woman in the past but I was confident in myself back then. The problem is perceptual, a lack of self confidence, it's fear and having a streak of dysfunctional relationships that make it hard not to associate encounters with new woman, with those failures.

Being able to let go of the past is really hard, those associations have been built already but the past does not have to define your future. Anxiety and depression can be products of dwelling on the past and keeping bad experiences alive by automatically associating them with future encounters with new people and can be a form of unconscious self sabotage, a self fulfilling prophecy. Being to be able to pin point the cause of the issue at hand and remind yourself that things will get better of you keep trying and not giving up or procrastinating, putting yourself out there and taking action will allow you to gain self confidence through experience and provide you with positive experiences so that you can shed that self doubt and negative associations that have you irrationally assuming that things are going to go wrong. This is what I have learned to be true for myself and it might not necessarily help you but I think it might be able to you because your struggles seem so similar to mine. I don't have a problem with getting hard and staying hard, just with being able to be comfortable and not have this horrible inner dialog thinking that whomever I am having sex with is judging me negatively and enjoy sex, being comfortable enough to let go and embrace sexual energy and being able to climax. Being able to just ride those primal sexual urges and immerse myself in the moment and have that mutual pleasure exchange that sex should be. It's a struggle with both men and woman for me and I believe that pornography has affected my ability to enjoy normal sexual activities but also trauma issues, rejection issues, intimacy issues, and just plain social issues are responsible for my struggles. But therapy through experience and fully understanding what the root cause of it is allows me to have the power to make changes.
 
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