Narcotic Withdrawal - First 24 hours. Insight, please.

[TheWriterGirl]

Hi everyone! Welcome to my first 24 hours of sobriety!

I'm starting this thread for several reasons.

1. I'm a writer, and writing about my experiences each day of withdrawal will help keep me accountable and grounded in the experience, no matter how crappy it is.

2. I've never really told anyone that I struggle with addiction to opiates. I'm actually a very upstanding citizen in my community. I'm the co-founder of a major non-profit. I spent years as a teacher, before becoming a successful marketing specialist for the public sector. I literally live to serve others. I volunteer all the time. I have a book deal coming out next Fall. Since nobody knows I struggle, including my spouse, and I'm pretty sure they'd all judge me, I'm turning here.

3. I'm "successful" by society's standards -- and so no one imagines that I could possibly struggle with such a demon. It's rather offensive -- to think that addiction somehow precludes a person from being moral, genuine, kind, or successful. Of course we, here, know it doesn't. We know addiction is just one part of us. But the world sees an "Addict" as a failure from the start. So I've never been able to admit it, even to my spouse. And I need to admit it somewhere, and talk to people about it. I need a community if I'm ever going to kick it.

That's what I'm trying to do today. I've been on them for--it horrifies me to realize this--5 years. I've been tapering down from as high as 90mg a day. Over the past months I've tapered to 40-60mg a day. Finally, in the past few weeks, I've dropped to 25-30mg. It's been kind of a mixed bag.

On the negative:

- My joints ache so deeply, and nothing helps. I have to simply lay here and ache.
- The chills and the sweats are the WORST. Nothing fixes this either.
- My diarrhea has surprisingly been less awful than in the past. But it's coming out with a yellowish tinge that worries me.

On the positive:

- I slept surprisingly well.

- When I was forced to leave the house today (I work from home), I made myself look nice. I found that driving around and listening to empowering music or nostalgic music from more innocent times played a great distraction. I felt better, and energized. Though when I finally got home, the pain was worse than before.

- I definitely feel the opiate haze leaving. And I miss it. I think I hazed myself away because, the more successful I became, the more people expected things of me. So I'd take opiates to deal with the stress. My first book deal was so exciting, but also so terrifying -- I find that when I really chase my dreams, I can catch them! ... but soon am not sure I want them anymore. The book deal filled me with such fear of failure, I needed more opiates to blot it out. Anyways, now that the haze is lifting, I feel my emotions much more potently than before. I feel anxious. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not brave enough to tackle my dreams. I think that haze is what I will miss most -- and perhaps being clear is the thing I need most if I am to re-connect with the part of myself that always wanted to change the world. I will never change the world hiding behind opiates.

So--Day 1. How many days until I'm better again?

 

[VastEmpty]

WriterG -

congrats on your choice to quit! I was just heading to bed when I saw your thread. I wanted to say welcome and you've come to the right place for support. I'll check back in tomorrow to see how day 2 is for you. Hang in there.

- VE

 

[TheWriterGirl]

Hi, VE! Thank you for responding. Having even a little support means a lot. It's been really tough trying to quit--and failing so many times--all in secret. With no support.

It's Day 2, but only about 36 hours in.

The Negatives:

1. Falling asleep was very difficult.
2. My joints in my legs hurt so bad last night. I eventually took a hot bath, and that eased them.
3. My diarrhea has finally kicked into gear. But so far it's not too awful. Maybe it will not get too awful, since I tapered so much. I'm hoping.

The Positives:

1. I watched the episode of House when he first goes through withdrawals. It helped me feel less alone.
2. After having some trouble falling asleep, I actually slept well last night. I even slept until 8:30 this morning.
3. I usually wake up very stiff and in pain, and need my medicine to get me going in the morning. This morning, I actually feel okay. A little achey, but not bad.
4. My chills and sweats have eased up a lot.

The good WriterGirl:

1. I've been drinking lots of water.
2. I've been sneezing, sweating, and making diarrhea. I imagine the toxins just pouring out.
3. I've been taking hot baths to help ease things.

The bad WriterGirl:

1. After slightly more than 24 hours since having anything in my system, I literally begged one of my friends for one. I offered $100 just for ONE, because I wanted the sweats, shivers, and cramps to be gone. She told me no. That was probably wise of her, but at the time I was like, "It's my money and my business. One pill won't 're-hook' me, it'll just help me taper more deeply."

2. Haven't done my yoga yet or gentle exercise to stimulate endorphins. But I did drive around for like three hours yesterday listening to empowering music and trying to clear my head.

That's it so far!

 

[slortaone]

sorry if i missed it but what are you tapering from? im guessing oxycodone

best of luck and i hope to check in in a week and hear about how well you did

 

[TheWriterGirl]

Thank you! Oxy is a good guess. I've been taking Oxy or Hydro -- whichever one is available, as they are both equally good as far as the high they provide. I guess I'm slightly more partial to hydro.

Interestingly, right now my physical symptoms aren't too bad. I'm mostly lethargic. I just really, really want just one pill. Just one more.

But I know it'll never be just one more.

So mostly I feel restless and antsy, but too lethargic and bleh to go do something. So I'm laying around watching TV shows and dwelling on wishing I could just find one last pill stashed away somewhere. That's where I am right now. Nearly 48 hours in.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

Hi, first of all congrats on getting clean.

I hope you know that if you take even one pill you will go back through withdrawals and start the cycle over, then you will start craving ... its NOT worth it

You need to come up with a long term plan, how are you going to stay clean? Have you gone to any NA meetings? Going to meetings now while you are still sick, but starting to feel better is crucial. Go to meetings...

Soon you will be in the "pink cloud" you will feel ok, hopeful, optimistic, just grateful to not be sick... but then once those feelings subside after about a day or two, you will be hit with crippling depression and ravenous cravings

Be careful, be smart, understand what I just wrote you, if you don't relapse now- you will start to feel better soon, and then much worse... so what are you going to do when that adhendonia (think i spelled that wrong) hits you like a truck?

 

[TheWriterGirl]

Day Three:

So I've gone through WDs before, and these have gone ODDLY smooth. Mrsnowgrainius -- you are right. I indeed feel like I'm in the "pink cloud."

The Good:

I'm overwhelmed with energy.
I barely ache.
My stomach is almost completely controlled with half an immodium.
Colors are brighter; my senses are returning.
Ahem. Orgasms are stronger. Sorry for the TMI!

The Bad:
I'm still a bit temperature-sensitive, and it's bitterly cold. So the chills and sweats suck. But I bought some very warm pajamas and that's helping.
I feel SO alive with energy it verges on mania. It's both pleasant and overwhelming. I'm not sure I like it.
I do still want a pill. None are available right now, which is helping. But I don't know how long that will last.

I can tell you from WDs in the past, rebounding like this in under 72 hours is pretty weird. I did taper pretty well, and I guess that's what's made the difference. So I think I'm past the sickness part.

I've been listening to a LOT of nostalgic music. It's very boring suddenly having hours of my day available when I'm not high. I don't know what to do with all the extra time. Having a lot of Christmas stuff to keep me busy is helping. Also, seeing old friends and family is helping, too. Listening to old music is taking my mind back to a time before I was addicted. Like regressing to the person who used to exist before I started taking all these meds.

However, that person before the meds was VERY energetic and idealistic (okay, even on the meds I'm energetic and idealistic. The meds just tone it down). I'm finding myself feeling very manic. I want to travel. I want to make my dreams come true. I do NOT want to do boring, meaningless work. I want to paint, and travel, and write, and run.

To be fair, I already have accomplished many of my dreams. I'm a writer. I have a great career. I'm all over TV and the news. These are some of the reasons I take the meds -- to deal with nerves when speaking on national TV or in front of a huge crowd. I have a major book deal. I suppose a part of me is worried that without opiates I won't be able to maintain my pace. I'll slow down. I'll lose focus.

Thank you for the thoughts on what to do now, before the "pink cloud" dissipates. I'm very nervous about meetings. I'm afraid a little nerdy thing like me won't fit in. I will reach out to a psychologist, though, and begin talking to someone. I agree, that is a good idea.

 

[TheWriterGirl]

Morning of Day Four:

Kind of achey. Probably should do some yoga, but wish I could just take a pill to make it go away.
Pretty energetic. A little stressed. Big Christmas stuff ALL WEEK should keep my mind off meds. But in the quiet morning before anyone is awake -- this was always my favorite time to take a pill -- or, you know, like six pills.

You see, I have a very demanding job. I work from home as a writer and marketing specialist, but I'm on call constantly; and I have to run out to cover stories, manage events, get photos. At a moment's notice I could be called to go run a 12 hour event or appear on television. My phone buzzes all the time.

But at 5am, no one is awake yet. No one can call me to an event. I have a moment free of peace. I can take my pills and relax and read and watch shows in the quiet, still morning -- without any fear my phone will buzz and call me to a big event.

This morning I woke up, and there's nothing to do just yet. I'm a little achey, and my tummy is upset. The quiet morning beckons me to take my pills. But, fortunately, there are none to take.

It will be better this afternoon, when I'm surrounded by friends and Christmas cheer.