My marriage is going stale

[Sooner5900]

First off, Ive been reading this board for many, many years before I even registered - and I think Ive only posted twice since then!!! ...anyway, let me give you guys a little history about this relationship ...for a 2nd time. I did this on my phone and it didn't post or save my giant post!! lol

My wife and I have been married for 10 years this coming December. Shes my highschool sweetheart, Im 30 and shes 29. All together weve been together for 13 years. We have 3 kids ages 12, 9 and 6. Since I got her pregnant in highschool, I had to put my future school on hold and had to get a job right out of highschool (we both graduated). I went to work for the family business, and although that wasn't my master plan, I had a girlfriend and kid to support. I had pressure on me from both our families to get marries as soon as we greaduated. but we didn't. My theory is: you can have a kid with anyone - that doesn't mean you want to marry that person. So, much to the disgust of some of her family, we moved in together and everything was great. I loved her and my daughter, saw that we could get along living together and I asked her to marry me.

Almost 10 years later, here we are. I still work at the family business, which in fact, turned out to be a great decision. After our third child she went back to school and she'll finish up this fall. I know time and age change people, and we have the basic stress that married couples have. I work all day, shes goes to school and we run all the kids from one sport to the next. So that takes most of our time and we rarely have alone time with each other. But things aren't the same as they used to be. Its like our sex-life has hit rock bottom and just the overall affection of this relationship has been pretty weak the last several years. Mainly after our third child was born, and about a year later things kinda went downhill. We love each other, theres no doubting that, but Im kinda stuck at a point where I don't know what to do. I would try and instigate but I hear excuses of "Im too tired, I just did tons of homework." or "I have to get up early..." But I get up earlier than she does, every day. Or her back hurts. And that last one is understandable, she does have some back issues. But Im getting tired of being turned down. It got to the point about two years ago where I said, "Fuck it. Im not going to instigate anymore. If she wants it, shes gotta come get it." We didn't have sex for almost a month. Now the norm seems to be about once every two weeks. And ya know, that just doesn't work for me. I brought it up to her at one point and after the excuses that I listed above she told me, "If it was up to you we would have sex everyday!" And shes right. We would. Back in the day we would have sex as soon as I got home from work, ..if the kids were occupied. Not anymore. She likes things just the basic way, but just the "basics" aren't doing it for me anymore. Its like we just go through the motions and seems to be more of a chore than anything. She gets off, I get off, game over. Shes a terrible liar and terrible at faking things, and I know her fake sounds - so I know Im doing my job on the rare occasion that we do have sex. Over the last two years (which have been the worst between the sheets) Ive suggesting things like toys, anal, 69...anything that's different from just missionary, cowgirl and the occasional doggy. I LOVE getting head, its my favorite thing between the sheets and she knows this. But as much as I love receiving, I LOVE to give. And she loves the way I do it. It kinda bothers me because she knows I like it, but she wont do it - not even occasionally. So, Ive suggested different things to spice up our sex life, and Ive even tried to pull her into the bedroom after I get off work just to be spontaneous. I get turned down. I even suggested, rather than a quickie, we could exchange oral. Oh no, absolutely not..shes not big on giving head. But I do the things she likes, ...like eating her out, or going cowgirl. Cowgirl does nothing for me, but since she likes it - I give it to her that way. Now our occasional sex life is just boring.

3 years ago we all went out with several of my friends. One of these guys brought his girlfriend, who brought another girl along. This other girl was stunningly beautiful; and she kept flirting with me all night long. She didn't seem to care that I told her I was married and my wife is sitting right next to me. Of course my wife didn't like that; but since I didn't do anything or return the flirts she was just more upset over the whole deal rather than mad at me. Several weeks later I went out with a few of the same friends, this time without my wife, and that other girl showed up. That girl was all over me and I couldn't kick her away. And it was really, really hard to do since she was out of this world beautiful and I wasn't getting any at home. But I love my wife and Im not a cheater. I don't know who told her about that night, but someone did. I was honest, and whoever told her about that night was honest with her as well. She knew this girl was beautiful; knew I was attracted to girls that looked similar to her. I got a random blowjob that night while I was playing the PS3 and it was awesome!!!! But, in all seriousness, that was only the 3rd real blowjob Ive ever gotten in 12 years. I don't count foreplay head as a blowjob. ..but even then, that's rare in itself. She was a little more eager to jump on me for about two weeks after that. And I know why. She was afraid I would go out with that other girl who was willing to give it up at the drop of a hat. During those two weeks our sexlife was a good as its been since we were 16-20 year olds. After that it went back to normal, and here we are. Once every few weeks, going through the motions, and too busy to have sex and not even wanting to give foreplay head even if I go down on her. ...Our sexlife has bottomed out.

I don't question her love for me (or should I?) and she knows I love her with all my heart. I wouldn't cheat on her or do anything to hurt her. But theres just no affection in this relationship anymore and I don't know what to do about it. To me, this is one of the 1st signs of a relationship going down the tubes and I don't want to see that happen. I text her "I love you" while shes at school, or write it on the bathroom mirror after I take a shower. Its like we just go through the motions anymore, and I don't like it. I believe if we can get something to spark the relationship it will help things between the sheets. But I don't know what to do. Im kinda at a standstill here. I don't want my marriage to go south, I love her and I plan on being with her forever. But there has to be something to get a fire back in this marriage. ...ok, ..I just needed to vent!!!!!!!

 

[Psyke]

Could/would your wife enjoy psychedelics? if so, look into 5-meo-mipt.

 

[nooneanymore]

sounds like a mess. that's all i got. couldn't imagine being married or with someone that long.

 

[tomdpimp]

If you can afford it, take a vacation without the kids. Go for a couple of days somewhere different. Get a hot tub suite or something similiar. If you have a drug connection (if that was once a thing for both of you) get some Molly or 2cb. Recharge your love and souls.

 

[Issac Sinclair]

Wow I wish I had your character. Hmm but I like hitting new girls.

Maybe whoever went out that night would have covered your ass regardless.

But why would she let you go in the first place?

You should spend more time in love. Oftentimes marriages of love become marriages for money, care taking of kids and whatnot. That is why its feeling stale, its all work and no play. You turned a high school sweetheart of play into a workhorse, someone to take care of the house, the kids and to take care of while she is going to school.

 

[Uber_Penguin]

Dude, I sympathize with you. I'm young, shit, marriage isn't even close to anywhere near on my radar, I've only even been able to drink for almost a year exactly, but what you describe is, without a doubt, the absolute greatest fear I have of the idea of marriage and getting older. The idea of it all going stale, of falling into a comfortable domestic routine fighting as hard as you can to not just surrender to the mundane. When your morals and what's expected of you goes against everything you feel you really want.

I uh...I try not to naysay other people, but, while I'm assuming this isn't an option for you anyways judging by what you're describing, drugs ain't gonna help this, not doing them yourself nor doing them with your wife, as if she'd be willing to do that if she's not even willing to go down on you when she realizes what a fan you are (again, I'm obviously at a different point; as a young person the idea of knowing your significant other likes something and still just refusing to do it, even just on occasion, even if you really don't like it for whatever reason, would be totally insane). To be honest when it comes to people problems I usually at absolute minimum have a practical answer, even if not an appealing one, but in this case I'm not sure there is a good answer to this.

What I can say is that I hear a lot of people expressing guilt in situations like these, for, heaven forbid, wanting to have sex with their husband/wife. That's just bullshit traditional thought that has yet to wear away in time. I'd go so far as to say that you're way closer to the victim here than anything. Part of entering a marriage is the knowledge that it's both a physical and emotional union, both of those ends are expected to be kept up by both partners. I'm not saying one's partner owes them sex, but, well...well I guess at the same time I am. It's not an obligation of "we're married, so when I want to have sex we have to have sex!", it's the idea that both partners should care enough about the others' needs that they'd do their best to ensure that if their partner felt their more intimate needs were unfulfilled that they strove to help meet those needs to the best of their ability.
That's why I'm saying I view you as the biggest victim here. It strikes me as unimaginably selfish that your wife clearly realizes your needs aren't being met and doesn't seem to care in the least about doing anything about that or compromising...but then she gets upset at the very IDEA of you being with another woman. I think you're showing an incredible amount of restraint and respect for her just by having handled it the way you have thus far. That's all if she's just being uncaring though, and I suspect there might be more at play here. I'll come back to that.


I'd say, if it's really what you wanted, you'd certainly be right in wanting a divorce. It doesn't matter that this is about sex, that's totally and completely irrelevant, what matters is that your wife appears to be showing little care or concern for what you want in the relationship, and that, in my mind, is unacceptable when dealing with someone you're supposed to love enough that you agreed to spend your life with them.

On the other hand, I'm vilifying your wife a lot here, but I imagine there's something more going on. Could she be struggling with getter older, does she maybe feel self conscious or something? Could that be why seeing an attractive woman hitting on you made her so uncomfortable? You sound like you love your wife a fair bit, which is why I say that separation should only be on the table if she completely refuses to budge, especially when taking your kids into account. Plus, if she's really suffering from something deeper that's making her feel so averse to sex (I'm forgetting here that you're both only about 30, I keep thinking you're both, like, 45. Scientifically women should be at almost their horniest at 29, I think 28 is when they're at their peak orgasm frequency...), suggesting divorce could really leave her in bad shape. Maybe she's struggling with doubts? Could you both be looking around at other people and experiencing a degree of uncertainty over whether or not it was the right decision to marry that young? Cause in my mind that's pretty darn young. People are still only kids when they graduate high school.


So see, this is all why I say there's no good answer.
I guess in summation all I can really say for sure is that I'd try to make it clear to her that this is a very important issue to you, and one that can't just be brushed off, but also make sure to stop and ask if there's anything SHE wants to talk about. Like I said, this doesn't sound like a textbook case of two people who simply don't have matching sex drives; this sounds like she may be struggling with something she's afraid or ashamed or w/e to tell you about. Let her know you're there for her, and that, while you want something more in the relationship, it's extremely important to you that she's happy too, that you don't want it to just be a one sided thing. I'm not sure if counseling would be acceptable to either of you, but always keep that in mind as an option. It can really help some people. If you can't reach any concessions and she refuses to budge then I'd say you'd be right in whatever you decided to do at that point. I hate to suggest divorce, I hate suggesting that people should just give it all up, but at the same time what I hate even more is the idea of two people growing old, just drifting along, waking up one day to find their life has flown right by them as they sat around hoping it would somehow magically get better on its own, wishing more than anything that they could go back and enjoy what they once had rather than allowing it to slip away.


But what do I know, I'm some 22 year old who's never even so much as had a girlfriend, anything I know is just from observing the world and those around me, and hell, I could take some of that advise about not sitting around letting one's life drift away as well. As such I'd take this as you will. No matter what you do though, always make sure to remember that you married your wife and you've loved each other for a long time. Don't let frustration make you forget what you've already overcome together.

 

[Comrade Kane]

When u understand that the grass is rarely greener and when it is it soon turns brown well you'll understand that sex is like opiates and your first year will always be the best and none can compare to that but eventually sex is just well sex your pleasure centers become tolerant and with opiates you become tolerant to them and even if you change sex partners or increase your dose of opiates each time the period of goodness before tolerance sets in becomes shorter until you have had too much of a good thing and settle into maintenance sex maintenance opiates and after that its all over. See by then you should've produced your children and become conservative voices of ultra caution and ultra moralism and joyless to function as a conscience for your children to survive better. It's just evolutions plan. Stick with your wife because it will never get better so long as your getting your maintenance sex and not withdrawing too much or too miserable in which case exit stage left.

 

[Sooner5900]

She is on birth control and has brought that up before. I plan on getting snipped in January; Ive put it off for a while because, ..uh, yeah....Im not too fond of the idea of getting my junk cut on! Geez, some of you guys make me feel old!!!! lol Seems like just yesterday I was 18 years old and reading this forum! And like someone said above, some of these issues are just inevitable after you've been married this long. Thats expected. But for every problem I have, I can give you 5 reasons why the marriage works. I plan on talking to her about it later in the week. or maybe after this weekend. Sunday is her birthday and were going out with several friends Saturday night (this rare occasion where we can find a babysitter for 3 kids!!) but I wanted to end the evening on a good note after we get back. Any suggestions on how I can make it a little more "romantic" (I hate that word) to set the tone? Could be the first step to get some fire and passion back into the relationship!

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

^ Roses, sexy lingerie, candles, oils, hotel room, babysitter, ;].

 

[BK Bonkey Kong]

When u understand that the grass is rarely greener and when it is it soon turns brown well you'll understand that sex is like opiates and your first year will always be the best and none can compare to that but eventually sex is just well sex your pleasure centers become tolerant and with opiates you become tolerant to them and even if you change sex partners or increase your dose of opiates each time the period of goodness before tolerance sets in becomes shorter until you have had too much of a good thing and settle into maintenance sex maintenance opiates and after that its all over. See by then you should've produced your children and become conservative voices of ultra caution and ultra moralism and joyless to function as a conscience for your children to survive better. It's just evolutions plan. Stick with your wife because it will never get better so long as your getting your maintenance sex and not withdrawing too much or too miserable in which case exit stage left.

Whoa! Any other ex-opiate users agree with this? This is scary to read.

 

[T. Calderone]

Whoa! Any other ex-opiate users agree with this? This is scary to read.

The opiate part, sort of rings true. Sex is another story though because I had a diminished sex drive for a few years (late 20's-early 30's) I was also taking birth control pills and that might have contributed to this. I felt like 3 weeks out of the month I had severe PMS. I just didn't want sex period and the fact my husband was a raging alcoholic made it worse.

After I got divorced, I didn't think much about sex because I was too busy with working and raising a little kid. Once I got into pain management with opiates, sex was a distant memory for probably four years. When I lessened the drug intake, my sex drive came back ten-fold.

There could be a number of factors at work here- stress, hormones, fatigue, medications, depression, etc. can all make someone lose interest. Perhaps after you have your operation, see how it goes when she's not using the pill anymore. It's easy to get wrapped up into a daily routine and your wife doesn't have the same high interest in sex as you do.

Maybe she hasn't hit her sexual peak yet and having kids early can do this to a woman. Hope you two have a nice birthday outing but don't expect too much. I'm hopeful things will turn around for you though it might take some time.

 

[Comrade Kane]

Just remember not to confuse brown sex with loss of love just as those starting on the other end from you mustn't confuse good sex with love. I love my partner even more now after ten years not less even though sex is not as awesome as it used to be.

Pleasure is transient ability to perceive pleasure is transient but love is forever.

People often think they've fallen out of love when they are simply tired of sex ITS NOT THE SAME.

 

[missmeyet?]

Just remember not to confuse brown sex with loss of love just as those starting on the other end from you mustn't confuse good sex with love. I love my partner even more now after ten years not less even though sex is not as awesome as it used to be.

Pleasure is transient ability to perceive pleasure is transient but love is forever.

People often think they've fallen out of love when they are simply tired of sex ITS NOT THE SAME.

I agree....very nicely stated..