Mental Health My inside is black

[Shattered2310]

In the past 8 weeks I have cut myself, seriously considered death, cried a lot, worried friends and myself, starved myself, and this afternoon I had a mild panic attack.
This is not the person I've been the rest of my life, but now I'm wondering whether there is a point to life. Everyone dies eventually. So why not now. U will experience bad, sad, depressing and horrible things in life, that will over power the happiness. Opposed to no feeling, emotions, existence. I don't believe in an afterlife, because that defeats the purpose of death. I think about those suffering who would no longer suffer if they were dead, those who want to kill themselves but worry about the after effects, and those who want to live but it would be easier if they didn't, and wonder if absolutely everything would be better if something wiped all humans out in 10 minutes. And although I know thinking like this makes me crazy, it doesn't change my mind.

I'm not emotionless, heartless, or a physcopath. Im just so tired of the niceties of life, and scared of the pain

 

[JohnsThrowAway234]

You're not alone in what you're going through; but you ARE acutely depressed. Textbook.

It's a time limited condition and a treatable one. I know people will chime in with their experiences that they "always" depressed but what you are going through sounds acute / like a depressive EPISODE to me if you have not been like this for your whole life.

When you are in a depressed state - its a legit condition - you believe you are finally "seeing things as they really are" (i.e: that its all miserable). It can also be hard to accept you've become depressed if you have otherwise been well adjusted and you believe that you were fooling yourself all the times you've been happy in the past.

It's also true that depressed people find it impossible they will ever feel 'normal' again, although the weight of evidence is against this. Its an episodic thing for most.

Have you spoken to anyone close to you about these feelings?

 

[JohnsThrowAway234]

P.S: Find the local suicide phone number or 24 hour helpline and PUT IT IN YOUR MOBILE PHONE. Keep your phone with you at all times and if you reach the bottom, call it.

READ THIS: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ as often as you can.

Seek treatment as a priority. Its a treatable condition.