My ex had BPD. I feel broken

[Issac Sinclair]

I met my now ex through my other ex gf. She and I broke up, and this girl I always knew liked me. You can kinda tell when someone likes you. Basically she put me on a roller coaster of horrible emotions, and its really hard to get my head off her. She has done some of the most horrible stuff to me, and also been one of the kindest people to me at the same time.

Our relationship started when she didn't like her ex anymore. We were fooling around, she went back and forth, and eventually chose me. I felt good because apparantly her ex fancied my ex and they all had a threesome, and I felt like it was the most fitting fuck you, you fucked my girl, now I will take away your girl from you forever! This was already exhilarating, and it was terrible, we both got chlamydia from her ex, thankfully nothing else. I should have worn protection, but we didn't since the start, and I didn't know any better (I do now).

I've never let anyone do that to me, and I don't think I will ever again either. She and I had a good few months of nonstop sex, and enjoying doing everything together, but then she cheated on me with her ex, and I found out at a festival when he came up to me and threw it in my face. It ruined the festival for us, and we left early. I should have ended it there, but I really felt that I loved her and we continued to be together, but she would always have emotional outbursts towards me about the guilt. Later she got pissed enough to fight me, and I let her hit me until she calmed down, while she threatened me with the fact that I was trying to rape her and she would call the cops and say I beat her. I packed my stuff to leave that day, but she held me back, and I thought it would be ok. This occurred again except this time I fought back and I felt very bad about it, because I am not a violent person. I don't want to blame her for my actions, and I told her family what I had done, although they agreed with me, I felt very guilty about it. She did more stuff after this like kissing the roommate, and lying about going out, in which I just moved all my stuff out and I just couldn't stand the pain anymore. I tried having no contact with her, but she is very beautiful, so it was really hard to say goodbye. I still saw her and I still love her for whatever reason. I even started cutting, doing excessive drugs, and I feel like this is rock bottom from my previous bad experiences.

I just want to ask... am I that pathetic? Am I that much of a loser to let all this stuff go because I felt love for her? I thought relationships could be fixed, and after a fight, it would be made up. I'm also not sure if Inherited traits from her that may impact future relationships. I don't know if that's possible, but I guess I wanted to write some of this stuff down, because in a relationship, I would have never accepted these things, but I let it go because I loved her, and I thought it was a symptom of her issues. Now I played with fire, and I got burnt.

If anyone has any advice from someone who has BPD or can chime in and tell me what a piece of shit I am, please do. I want you to tell me how fucked up I am, and what this means for my next relationship if I even have one. For those of you who are dating someone, and you google damaged good or BPD and discover their nature, try to leave. If you don't you'll end up like me, a fucking mess and a loser who has nothing to live for besides hoping that everything will be alright.

 

[RDP89]

Try to get over that crazy biatch.

 

[Gb2k7]

You're situation is probably way more common than you think. Reading the first part of your post gave me flash backs of a particular ex girlfriend and the "good ole times" we had.

Looking back at how things were, I now see it as the mutually abusive relationship that it was. Yet back before I was able to get over it I thought of our relationship as this bittersweet symphony that would play in my head daily. It was during college however, and I was attending an out of state university so I really had no choice but to move out of Arizona and head back east.

But to answer your question, no you're definitely not pathetic. For some reason when you take a very attractive woman, and add a whole bunch of crazy, she somehow becomes even more attractive to some people (IMO). Having said that, you need to start being honest with yourself and accept that it was an unhealthy relationship, and more importantly a valuable learning experience. Any damage your doing to yourself with drugs etc after the fact to help yourself cope is just silly. I would suggest that instead of feeling weak or guilty for the fact that still have feelings, you should embrace the emotions and see them almost like withdrawals after an unhealthy addiction. Things can only get better and make sure you have someone to talk/vent to even if its a stranger because just replaying the painful memories in your head is not condusive to the goal of getting over it and finding something better

 

[woamotive]

Ohh, man. I feel for you. Im dating a woman who has put me through the ringer. And I have to her! I must warn you to think about your relationship and the well being of both of you

Id be scared about that rape threat call the cops thing... I KNOW women that did that to my brother. He tends to fuck a lot of CRAZY bitches. One person can make anothers hell. And emotional manipulation is brutal. Be honest w yourself.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

No it does not make you a bad person, a fool, or as you posted 'a piece of shit' for falling in love with someone and for breaking up or cutting off contact with someone who has a mental illness they refuse to get help for. Some people are like this and hide their issues really well until you really start to get into a relationship and live with them, or they get stressed out and literally break mentally and that's when it comes out.

One of my ex's has mental health issues, and substance abuse issues and it took me about a year or more to get over it, and now I just chalk it up to a learning experience and I now know the red flags/warning signs, and what to look for to avoid having another relationship like this. No I don't have any contact with my ex and while we have mutual friends they know I want no contact or communication with my ex at all.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

That's just awful. There are many stories like this about people with BPD. I have BPD, but I have never in my life threatened someone or hit someone or been violent. I do have a huge fear of abandonment and it makes me clingy when I really like a person. I'm definitely not bad like this situation. I'm really sorry. Not all of us are monsters, but I wouldn't blame people for staying away. I'm so lonely. I end up pushing people away and I think they can sense something is wrong and move on. It's painful because I didn't ask to be this way. They say people can grow out of BPD and I think I have for the most part. It's major depression and anxiety that is my worst problem now. Maybe you need therapy to help you get over this.

 

[infectedmushroom]

My first gf had BPD and decided to cheat on me emotionally and physically with my closest friends, the clever succubus she was.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

ALWAYS remember that!

I remember going through the same process of self-loathing that you are now. Don't hate yourself friend. BPDs are by their very nature unstable as all hell. YOU are not the crazy one, and there's nothing wrong with you. Break off contact and give yourself some time to trust yourself and others before finding someone who isn't so crazy.

I thought I'd never date again, but I've found someone amazing, and knowing what crazy looks like from a mile away is going to make your future relationships a hell of a lot easier. Sometimes learning the hard way is the only way!